Uncle John's Creature Feature Bathroom Reader For Kids Only! Read online

  NO SWEAT

  Did you ever hear the phrase “sweat like a pig”? Guess what? Pigs can’t sweat! They don’t have sweat glands.

  MR. PIG HOGS IT ALL!

  A pet porker named Mr. Pig and a dog named Calamity Jane inherited $600,000 when their owner, Margo Lamp, died in 1990. When the dog died, Mr. Pig became the sole inheritor. (Did he keep the money in his piggy bank?)

  POODLE DOO

  Poodles are smart, strong, fast, and loyal. So, what’s with that wacky hairdo?

  Originally, the poodle cut had a practical purpose. The fur was kept thick around the joints and organs for protection in cold water. The rest of its coat was shorn to keep it from getting caught in the brambles. Then, somewhere around the 1700s, owners went a little nutty. Groomers clipped the dogs in any design their owners requested, such as a family coat of arms or monograms. They even sported tiny mustaches and pointy beards. Often they capped the poodle with a pompadour to match the owner’s big puffy wig. Poodles were a natural for the circus—smart and talented—and their exaggerated pom-poms matched the round pom-poms on the clowns’ costumes.

  TELE-CUBBY. A Beauséjour, Canada, teenager was startled to find a bear in his basement, lounging in front of the fireplace, eating potato chips, and watching TV.

  COUCH POTATO. A family in Evesham, England, discovered a ferret on their couch, cheerfully watching their telly.

  IT’S A HOOT. An owl in Jiangxi, China, loved TV so much that he built his nest in the rafters of one family’s home. The owl slept during the day and watched TV from the kitchen table all night.

  APE TV. Gorillas at the Moscow Zoo were getting so bored that televisions were installed in their cages. The zoo director said, “We want them to spend less time picking their noses and more time thinking about life.”

  SMARTY JONES

  At the 2004 Kentucky Derby, a little chestnut colt named Smarty Jones won the hearts of Americans because of his champion spirit and his amazing story.

  SOMEDAY FARM

  Things started out nicely for Smarty. He was born at Someday Farm in New Hope, Pennsylvania, on February 28, 2001. Smarty’s owners, Roy and Pat Chapman, wanted to name the spunky colt after Pat’s mother, Mildred McNair (who was also born on February 28). But they didn’t think “Mildred” was a very good name for a racehorse…so they gave him Mildred’s nickname, “Smarty Jones.”

  DISASTER STRIKES

  Nine months later, the Chapmans’ horse trainer and his wife were murdered. The shock was so great to the Chapmans that they decided to sell the farm and most of their horses, including Smarty. But on the day of the sale the little horse hid out in the pasture with his mother, so they kept him.

  DISASTER STRIKES AGAIN

  The Chapmans sent Smarty to a trainer named John Servis in Philadelphia. But tragedy struck again when Smarty reared up and hit his head on an iron bar in the starting gate and collapsed, unconscious. Smarty hit his head so hard he fractured his skull and shattered his eye socket. John Servis thought Smarty had killed himself. Miraculously Smarty lived, but he nearly lost his left eye.

  THE COMEBACK KID

  After weeks in the hospital and a month of rest, Smarty Jones went back into training. His jockey was a Canadian named Stewart Elliot. Elliot had won thousands of races but had never ridden in the Kentucky Derby. Some thought of that as a drawback, but it turned out that the partnership between “Stew” Elliot and Smarty Jones was a good one. Smarty won his first eight races—at eight different distances and at five different tracks.

  This little champion was making such a splash on the racing scene that one man told the Chapmans to name their price and he’d pay it. Any amount! The Chapmans nearly sold Smarty for millions, but they decided to hold out to see if he could win the Kentucky Derby. They weren’t disappointed.

  THE WINNER’S CIRCLE

  On May 4, 2004, the undersized Thoroughbred with the dent still showing in his head was first across the finish line at the Kentucky Derby. Less than two weeks later, Smarty Jones won the Preakness Stakes and became the first horse in 27 years to win both races.

  RANDOM DOG FACTS

  • All dogs are descendants of wolves.

  • Dogs sweat through the pads of their feet, not by panting.

  • A dog’s nose print is like a human fingerprint—no two are alike.

  • Nine mail carriers a day are bitten by dogs.

  HORSE PUCKY

  Here’s the inside poop on life in the theater.

  A TRUE STORY

  In a production of Camelot in the 1970s, a horse had to appear on stage every night. To make sure that the horse didn’t poop on the stage and embarrass everyone, a veterinarian was hired to put his hand up the horse’s butt and pull out any waste before the horse appeared on stage. One night, just before the cue, the veterinarian was doing his job when the horse tightened his muscles and the vet’s arm got stuck. The cue came and the horse made his entrance—with a man sticking out of his butt!

  BEASTLY EXPRESSIONS

  More origins of the crazy phrases you may have heard Grandma say.

  NEVER LOOK A GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH.

  Meaning: When you get a gift, don’t question it—just accept it with gratitude.

  Story: You can tell the age of a horse by looking at its teeth. Checking his age is sort of like looking for the price tag on a gift—you could be in for a big shock.

  I SMELL A RAT!

  Meaning: Something is terribly wrong.

  Story: In the olden days, rats often lived quietly in the walls of houses. People didn’t see them, but when their dogs started whimpering and scratching at the walls for no apparent reason, they would say, “Bowser must have smelled a rat.”

  THAT’S HOGWASH.

  Meaning: That’s nonsense.

  Story: Hogwash was a limp, watery substance that was fed to pigs. It contained leftover scraps and some flour, but nothing very substantial.

  ANOTHER MAD COW

  Boolah, boolah! Where’s your moolah?

  DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH

  In 2004 a diamond merchant in India hid a bag full of 1,700 small diamonds in a pile of hay at his home. Unfortunately, his cow ate the hay…and the bag. Since cows are sacred in India, it never occurred to him to kill the cow to get the bag. Instead, he followed the cow around everywhere, picking one diamond at a time out of the cow’s poop.

  ANIMAL NEWS

  CAT WINS BIG!

  One winter’s night in 1996 a man named Gayle McManamon saw his cat, Skipper, playing with his lottery shaker (a simple device that some people use to help them pick their lottery numbers). He noticed that Skipper had picked six numbers: 8, 11, 16, 25, 26, and 42.

  So the very next day McManamon bought a lottery ticket with the cat’s numbers. And amazingly—you guessed it—he won. How much? $3.72 million!

  BOOK HOUND

  Read all about it.

  Wofford, a golden retriever from Norfolk, Virginia, likes to fetch, all right—but not sticks or balls. Wofford is a book hound. He loves books. Even as a young pup, Wofford liked to take books to bed with him. He often greets guests at the door by offering them a book. One day Wofford got out of the yard and slipped into the public library. He picked up a children’s book and waited in line to check it out. The librarian took the book and tried to offer Wofford a chew toy instead, but Wofford would have none of it. He headed right back to the stacks and got himself another book.

  SPIRIT GUIDES

  Many cultures believe that an animal’s spirit enters into a person when they are born. Which animal are you?

  CAT

  Serene

  You are extremely independent—no one can tell you what to do. But you can be lovable and playful when you want to be. Above all you are serene, graceful, and love to relax.

  BEAR

  Patient

  You are a patient and wise friend. You love your family but you are just as happy being alone. You may enjoy fishing, hiking, and wrestling with your friends.
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  DOG

  Loyal

  You are a loving, fun, and loyal pal. You are eager to help and are always the first to volunteer. You are protective—you can smell trouble coming from a mile away.

  DOLPHIN

  Cheerful

  You are friendly, outgoing, and trustworthy. You know how to find the balance between work and play. You love to talk and you might even like to write or sing.

  EAGLE

  Alert

  You are courageous, observant, and thoughtful. If you are missing, all anyone needs to do is look up—you’re probably in a tree watching the world.

  ELEPHANT

  Compassionate

  You are strong and compassionate. You see every moment as an opportunity to learn and you never forget. You love being with your family and friends.

  GIRAFFE

  Aware

  You are intuitive and can see far into the future. You aren’t afraid to take risks because you are able to see your dreams come true.

  HIPPOPOTAMUS

  Protective

  You are a gentle soul. Yet when it comes to your home and family you are fiercely protective. You are very inventive and know how to have a good time.

  HORSE

  Faithful

  You are a faithful and wise friend. You find creative solutions to life’s problems. You love to travel—especially with a group.

  LION

  Proud

  You are the center of attention—you can’t help it. You love playing, working, or just hanging with your family and friends. You know how to chill.

  MONKEY

  Imaginative

  You are energetic, imaginative, and creative. You have a knack for inventing and love to play practical jokes on your family and friends.

  PIG

  Honorable

  You are truthful and honorable—you look out for the little guy. You are smart enough to know that the simple pleasures in life are the best.

  RABBIT

  Creative

  You are creative and intelligent. Being quick thinking, you are an excellent problem solver. You enjoy life—“No Fear” is your motto.

  SNAKE

  Charming

  You are a creative and ambitious leader. Charm is your middle name. Your friends think you are mysterious because you love illusions and have a talent for magic.

  TIGER

  Powerful

  Energetic and powerful, you know what you want and you get it. You are also mischievous and love a good surprise.

  VIP’S VIPS

  (VERY IMPORTANT PEOPLE’S VERY IMPORTANT PETS)

  President Teddy Roosevelt’s family had quite a menagerie, including a lion, a hyena, a coyote, five bears, a badger, two parrots, a zebra, a raccoon, an owl, cats, dogs, horses, guinea pigs, and a snake named Emily Spinach. Their pet pony, Algonquin, made a number of secret trips up the White House elevator to visit young Archibald Roosevelt when he was ill.

  Sir Isaac Newton, the British physicist from the 1600s, considered one of the most influential scientists of all time, was a cat owner. In addition to discovering gravity, he also invented the cat door.

  Walt Disney owned a pet mouse named Mortimer, which was the inspiration for the famous cartoon mouse. His wife Lillian didn’t like the name, so he changed it to Mickey Mouse.

  MEET PORKCHOP

  The Keekorok Lodge in Kenya has an unusual “guard dog” who gallops out to greet the guests. She’s a warthog named Porkchop. Porkchop was only two weeks old when she was found stuck in some bushes in the Masai Mara Game Reserve. The lodge owners adopted her and now this little warthog trots around the grounds, pays visits to sunbathers by the pool, and is even up for a game of fetch. However, one roar from hippos in the nearby pond and Porkchop’s tail stands straight up and she runs for the nearest place to hide, which could be behind your legs or in your lap!

  SNORKEL MASTERS

  Did you know that elephants can snorkel? They can walk along the bottom of a river with just the tip of their trunks sticking out for air. They have even been seen snorkeling far out at sea. Some scientists think elephants may have evolved from water creatures because of their snorkeling ability.

  DID YOU KNOW?

  • Elephants’ eyes are only slightly larger than humans’.

  • The average elephant weighs less than a blue whale’s tongue.

  • There are 40,000 muscles in an elephant’s trunk.

  • Elephants can hear the footsteps of a mouse.

  • Elephants cry when a loved one dies.

  THEY NEVER FORGET

  CASE #1. When a female elephant named Kura was brought to the Shambala Preserve in California, the keepers worried that she wouldn’t get along with Timbo, a bull elephant who already lived there. But the moment they saw each other, the two elephants wrapped their trunks together like old friends. It turned out that they had been shipped from Africa on the same freighter more than 40 years earlier.

  CASE #2. An elephant in a game park in Kenya had a badly injured foot but wouldn’t let anyone get near him to treat it. Finally the vets sent for the elephant’s old trainer. He hadn’t seen the elephant for 15 years, but the minute he called the elephant by name, it lay down and held up the hurt foot so the vets could take care of it.

  THE ELEPHANT AND THE COWBOY

  ORPHAN AMY MEETS BOB

  When Amy the elephant first met Bob the cowboy, she was just a baby. She was also an orphan—one of five that had been brought to the United States from Africa by a man who rented stalls at Bob’s T-Cross Ranch in Pueblo, Colorado. The man’s plan was to sell the orphaned elephants to zoos or circuses. But Amy was sickly and undersized and nobody wanted her…except Bob.

  RANCH HAND

  Bob Norris saw something special in the tiny elephant, and he decided to adopt her. The T-Cross Ranch was a working ranch, so Bob put Amy to work, too. He taught her how to lead a horse, separate a single cow from the herd, and feed the goats. When she wasn’t working, he taught Amy how to play the piano and the harmonica. She also played with giant beach balls and stuffed animals. Bob took her to the local schools to teach children about elephants. Amy even had her favorite restaurants. She’d wait patiently in the back of the truck while Bob would run in to El Chorros and get her favorite food: sticky buns.

  AMY JOINS THE CIRCUS

  By the time she was seven, Amy had become too big to live on the ranch. So Bob got her a job with the Big Apple Circus. Amy loved the circus and the circus loved her. But Bob missed Amy more than he’d ever imagined he would. A year later Bob and his wife flew to New York to see Amy perform. They sat in the front row. Bob had brought Amy’s favorite sticky buns from El Chorros. He was very nervous: would Amy even know who he was anymore?

  AMY AND BOB, TOGETHER AGAIN

  The lights came on and the clowns and performers ran into the ring. Finally came the star of the show: Amy. She began her act—and suddenly stopped. Her trunk went up and she sniffed the air. She rumbled and trumpeted. The crowd froze.

  What was Amy doing? Suddenly she ran straight to Bob, dropped to her knees, and laid her head in his lap. She touched the tip of her trunk under his chin and all over his face. She made the chirruping sound she always made when she was happy. Bob wrapped his arms around Amy and cried, “She remembers me!”

  HOMEWARD BOUND

  In his book The Parrot’s Lament, author Eugene Linden tells the story of a remarkable leopard named Harriet.

  As a cub, Harriet had been rescued and taken into the home of a conservationist named Billy Arjun Singh. He raised Harriet to adulthood, then returned her to the forest preserve across the river in northern India where she was born. Harriet’s return to the wild was successful and she soon gave birth to two cubs of her own. Everything was fine until the flood season came. As the water rose and filled her den, Harriet quickly had to find a safe place for her cubs.

  Where’d she go? Home. One by one, she carried her cubs across the rising river to Billy Singh’s house.
The leopards stayed in Singh’s kitchen until the floodwaters receded. Then she was ready to return to the preserve. She tried to carry the cubs across the river, but the current was too strong. Thinking quickly, Harriet took the cubs to Singh’s boat, where she had ridden many times, and dropped her children inside. Then she climbed into the boat and patiently waited until Singh ferried her and her family safely across the raging river, back to her den.