Uncle John's Top Secret Bathroom Reader for Kids Only! Read online

  Ketchup was once sold as medicine.

  STING

  Birth Name: Gordon Matthew Sumner

  Also Known As: Bandmates nicknamed him Sting because he used to wear a yellow-and-black-striped sweater that made him look like a bee.

  OPRAH WINFREY

  Birth Name: Orpah Winfrey

  Also Known As: Oprah Winfrey’s first name is actually a typographical error on her birth certificate. Her parents wanted to name her Orpah, a biblical name, but the midwife mistakenly spelled it Oprah.

  JODIE FOSTER

  Birth Name: Alicia Christian Foster

  Also Known As: Her brothers and sisters didn’t like the name Alicia, so they called her Jodie…and it stuck.

  NICOLAS CAGE

  Birth Name: Nicolas Kim Coppola

  Also Known As: Cage has a famous uncle, film director Francis Ford Coppola. When young Nicolas began his acting career, he wanted to make it big on his own merit, not on his famous name, so he took the name of his favorite comic book character, Luke Cage.

  Benjamin Franklin invented the rocking chair.

  AYE CARAMBA!

  Kids say the funniest things. Especially on The Simpsons.

  “Me fail English? That’s unpossible!”

  —Ralph Wiggum

  “I’m not a nerd, Bart. Nerds are smart.”

  —Milhouse

  “I’m not lazy, I’m…Hey, Lisa, finish my sentence for me.”

  —Bart

  “An earring, how rebellious. In a conformist sort of way.”

  —Lisa

  “Dad, should I poke Rod with a sharp thing?”

  —Todd Flanders

  “The doctor said I wouldn’t have so many nosebleeds if I kept my finger outta there.”

  —Ralph Wiggum

  “Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.”

  —Bart

  “Shoplifting is a victimless crime, like punching someone in the dark.”

  —Nelson

  “Bushes are nice because they don’t have prickers. Unless they do. This one did. Ouch!”

  —Ralph Wiggum

  “Remember, you can always find east by staring directly at the sun.”

  —Bart

  “Why do I have the feeling that someday I’ll be describing this to a psychiatrist?”

  —Lisa

  Smile! In Pocatello, Idaho, it is illegal to look unhappy.

  THE BALLOON FARM

  You’ve heard of a potato farm, a wheat farm, a corn farm, even a rutabaga farm. But how about a Balloon Farm?

  BOY MEETS GIRL

  Professor Carl Myers and Mary Breed Hawley were made for each other; he liked to build hotair balloons, and she liked to fly them. They met and married in New York in 1871. Together, they helped make ballooning what it is today.

  UP, UP AND AWAY

  Mary’s first professional flight was on July 4, 1880, in Little Falls, New York. A crowd of 15,000 watched “Carlotta, the Lady Aeronaut” lift off and sail east into the clouds (Mary thought her real name was too ordinary for such an exciting career, so she changed it to Carlotta). Once airborne, she sent four carrier pigeons to her home in Mohawk, New York, to let her friends know of her success. Carlotta traveled 20 miles in 35 minutes—a triumph that launched her career as a balloonist.

  A STAR IS BORN

  The Myers traveled to fairs and resorts, putting on lavish balloon shows. Dressed in a blue flannel suit, cream-colored gaiters (leggings), and a stylish straw hat, Carlotta was always a hit with the crowds. Audiences loved her, and the Myers made a lot of money from their performances. But they weren’t simply entertainers—they were inventors, too.

  Sleeping through the winter is called hibernation. Sleeping through the summer is estivation.

  In 1889 Carlotta and the professor bought a 30-room mansion on a huge estate in Frankfort, New York, where they went to work designing and building new and better balloons. They called their new home the Balloon Farm.

  OLD MACDONALD HAD A BALLOON

  The couple made quite a team. Professor Myers specialized in building hydrogen gas balloons. He attached gigantic bags made of silk to lightweight wooden baskets wrapped in wicker. Hydrogen gas was pumped into the silk bags to inflate them. Since hydrogen is lighter than air, the balloons would lift up into the sky. Spare tanks of gas, attached to the baskets, provided more lift as needed. The couple often piloted their balloons as high as three miles above the ground! When they wanted to descend, they’d let some gas out of the bag—and down, down, down they’d come.

  FIELDS OF BALLOONS

  Building the balloons required acres of space…and a lot of help. While seamstresses worked in the barn—cutting and stitching together hundreds of yards of brightly colored cloth—test pilots experimented with parachutes by leaping off the roof of the mansion. Workers out back stirred kettles full of bubbling varnish. In the field, yards and yards of freshly dyed balloon cloth lay draped over stakes, drying in the sun.

  Think fast: Scientists estimate that thoughts travel through your head at about 150 mph.

  Visitors to the Balloon Farm (and there were thousands) described seeing the countryside dotted with the half-inflated balloons looking like gigantic pumpkins. Neighbors joked that “Farmer” Myers planted his balloon crop in the spring, gathered it in the fall, and stored it away for winter.

  SKY GAMES

  In the summer, there would often be a captive balloon hovering 1,200 feet above the house for research and testing purposes. The professor and his assistants used long ropes dangling from the balloon as safety belts while they flew experimental flying machines off the roof of the house.

  Carlotta practiced takeoffs and landings on the front lawn in one of her homemade balloons, while Professor Myers went for afternoon sails above the house on his Skycycle. This flying machine was a small balloon (about half the size of a regular balloon), shaped like a football, with a bicycle-like saddle suspended from it. The professor used the pedals on the Skycycle to turn a propellor, which moved the Skycycle through the air at speeds of up to 12 miles per hour.

  GONE WITH THE WIND

  After completing more balloon ascents in her 10-year career than any other aeronaut, Carlotta retired from public performances in 1891. But her passion for balloons lived on through her husband. Professor Myers continued to invent: he worked with the U.S. government designing weather balloons, furnishing military balloons for use in the Spanish-American War, and even experimenting with rain-making. His personal motto was “I refuse to let this world bore me.”

  Abraham Lincoln wore a size 14 shoe.

  The Myers sold the Balloon Farm in 1910 and moved to Atlanta, Georgia, with their daughter Ariel. But Professor Myers was still pedaling through the clouds on his Skycycle at the age of 68!

  * * *

  Q: What do you get when you drop all your french fries on the sofa?

  A: Couch potatoes.

  Potent rodent: The Asian moon rat secretes an odor that smells like raw onions.

  BEEEEEEEEP!

  Uncle John makes lots of phone calls, so he hears a lot of wacky answering machine greetings. Here are a few of his favorites.

  •“Hi, this is the Porter residence. We’re in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name at the beep and whoever loses will call you right back.”

  •“Hello. Now you say something.”

  •“Hi! Uncle John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly. I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.”

  •“Hi, this is Skye and Dash’s phone. If this is one of our friends, we’re outside playing basketball. If this is our parents, we’re at the library studying.”

  •“Twinkle, twinkle, little star,

  How we wonder who you are.

  Leave a message at the beep.

  We’ll call back before you sleep.

  Twinkle, twinkle, little star,

  B
et you’re wond’ring where we are.”

  •“Greetings! This is not an answering machine—this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.”

  Only active diamond mine in America: the Crater of Diamonds in Murfreesboro, Arkansas.

  A KID’S CHOICE

  The future of one of the best-loved books in English rested in the hands of a kid. Here’s the story.

  AN EXPERT OPINION

  In 1936 an English book publisher named Stanley Unwin sat at his desk, staring at a manuscript. A university professor had written a children’s story about the adventures of an elflike creature, and he wanted Unwin to publish it. Unwin believed that children were the best judges of children’s books, so he hired his 10-year-old son, Rayner, to read the book and write a report on it.

  Rayner gave it a big thumbs-up. He wrote in his report: “The book, with the help of maps, does not need illustrations. It is good and should appeal to all children between the ages of 5 and 9.” His father took his advice and published it in 1937. What was the book? J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Hobbit. It was an immediate success and has remained in print ever since.

  THE STORY CONTINUES

  Sixteen years later, that same kid (now grown up) was working for his father’s publishing company. That’s how he happened to be there when a heavy package from Professor Tolkien arrived, containing the long-awaited sequel to The Hobbit.

  The manuscript was more than 1,000 pages long, and no one at the company thought a fantasy story that long would ever sell. Rayner Unwin thought differently. “This is a work of genius,” he told his father. Then he came up with a clever idea: split the story into three parts and publish each one separately.

  Angelina Jolie graduated from high school when she was 16.

  And that’s what they did. The Fellowship of the Ring and The Two Towers were first published in 1954, and The Return of the King followed in 1955. The names of Bilbo, Frodo, Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli went on to be known and loved by millions of readers.

  And it was all because a 10-year-old boy knew a good story when he read one—and his father had the good sense to listen to his son’s advice.

  A baseball catcher squats an average of 150 times during a nine-inning game.

  MR. EAT-IT-ALL

  What’s the difference between a gourmet and a gourmand? A gourmet loves to eat fine food; a gourmand just loves to eat. Meet the world’s #1 gourmand.

  IRON STOMACH

  Michel Lotito will eat anything. In fact, this Frenchman gets paid to eat. His stage name is Monsieur Mangetout (pronounced, MAWN-juh-too), which means “Mr. Eat-It-All.”

  Since 1966 Monsieur Mangetout’s diet has included 18 bicycles, 15 shopping carts, 7 television sets, 6 chandeliers, 1 waterbed, 1 coffin (it was empty), and a computer.

  Mangetout discovered his unusual appetite in 1959 when he was nine years old. His friends were really impressed when a glass broke in his mouth…and he ate it. Soon he was chowing down on coins, nuts and bolts, plates—even razor blades! Doctors say that his stomach lining is twice as thick as that of a normal stomach. This allows him to consume up to two pounds of metal per day. How does he do it? He slices everything up into little pieces with a power saw, then swallows them whole with water—like taking a pill.

  SO WHAT’S FOR DESSERT, A CHOPPER?

  Monsieur Mangetout earned a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records when he ate an entire Cessna 150 airplane. That’s 1,500 pounds of aluminum, steel, vinyl, Plexiglas, and rubber! It took him two years to do it, chewing away at a rate of two pounds of aircraft a day.

  The world’s first zoo was built in China in 1900 B.C. It was called the Park of Intelligence.

  Monsieur Mangetout says that his stomach will digest anything his brain tells him to eat…almost. The only foods that Mr. Eat-It-All can’t eat: bananas and hard-boiled eggs (they upset his stomach).

  Special message from Uncle John:

  Don’t try this at home, kids. Remember, Monsieur Mangetout has abilities (and a stomach lining) far beyond those of normal people. Stick to your regular diet…you know, the four food groups: burgers, tacos, pizza, and cookies.

  * * *

  THE OL’ SNAKE-THROUGH-THE NOSE TRICK

  A 32-year-old performer named Manoharann became famous in India for a peculiar talent: he can pass a snake through his mouth and pull it out of his nostril. Other highlights of his act: he eats snakes, lizards, and cockroaches. “I learnt to do this,” he explained, “because I’ve always been driven by the urge to do things which nobody else can.”

  Scientific name for winking: nictitating.

  BITE THE WAX TADPOLE

  Companies spend millions of dollars coming up with memorable campaigns to advertise their products. But crazy things can happen when those ads travel to foreign countries.

  COCA-COLA

  When Coca-Cola was first advertised in China, it was called Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, thousands of signs were printed before the Coca-Cola company discovered that the phrase meant “bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax,” depending on the dialect. Coca-Cola quickly renamed their product Ko-kou-ko-le, which can be loosely translated as “happiness in the mouth.”

  NIKE

  Nike filmed a television commercial in Kenya using members of the Samburu tribe. As the commercial ends, the camera zooms in on a tribesman who says something in his native language. Subtitles appeared on the screen, apparently translating his words to mean the famous Nike slogan, “Just do it!”

  But what the tribesman actually said was: “I don’t want these. Give me bigger shoes!”

  Q: Why did the lion lose the race? A: Because his opponent was a cheetah.

  A PIRATE’S LIFE

  When Uncle John was a wee lad, he dreamed of becoming a pirate, sailing the sea in search of adventure and treasure. Then he read what a pirate’s life was really like…and became a writer instead. Arrrgh!

  “A SHORT LIFE BUT A MERRY ONE!”

  Pirates have been marauding the high seas since humans first took to the sea in ships. But the heyday of piracy was the 16th and 17th centuries, when thousands of pirates roamed the Caribbean Sea. Why there? Because of the vast fleets of Spanish treasure ships sailing back and forth from the New World to Spain, laden with gold, silver, and jewels taken from the native peoples of the Americas. These freighters, called galleons, were slow and clumsy, and sat on the water like fresh fruit just ripe for the picking.

  PRIVATEERS AND BUCCANEERS

  The pirates of the Caribbean were known by many names:

  Privateer. Sometimes countries actually hired pirates to raid the ships of their enemies, on the condition that these “privateers,” as they were called, shared their stolen treasure, or booty, with the sponsoring government. Many pirates started out as privateers…but then decided to work for themselves. The most successful of them was Sir Henry Morgan (see page 110), who later became lieutenant governor of Jamaica.

  Starbucks coffee got its name from a character in the novel Moby Dick.

  Buccaneer. The word is taken from the French word boucanier, which means “one who hunts wild pigs.” It was the name given to the drifters, rogues, and deserters who lived together in bands on deserted islands off Jamaica or Cuba. Many of them eventually grew tired of hunting pigs and went after richer game on the seas. Their name followed them.

  Marooner. This name comes from the old Spanish word cimarrón, which means “deserter” or “runaway.” Many pirates started out as sailors in European navies but deserted as soon as they could. Some pirates were African slaves brought to the New World to work for the Spanish. Those who escaped and joined the pirate bands became known as cimarrónes negros.

  …WELL, MAYBE NOT SO MERRY

  It was a rare pirate who lived to old age. Most were dead within two years of turning pirate—usually by execution. So why do
it? Because in those days, the life of a regular sailor was brutal. Many sailors were impressed into service, which means they were captured and forced to become sailors. Routinely beaten by officers, paid poorly, and at sea for months at a time, many sailors deserted at the first port of call.

  These tough, hardened men had been trained to sail and fight. For many of them, the life of a pirate with its adventure and plunder was their best option and their only chance for a taste of freedom.

  Some Alaskan natives are allowed to pay their income taxes in walrus ivory.

  COMPUTER SPEAK

  Ever wonder where names like Google and Hotmail come from? Here are the answers.

  Apple. What’s the favorite fruit of Apple Computer founder Steve Jobs? Apples, of course. In 1976 the new company was three months late filing an official name and Jobs just wanted to get it done. He told his colleagues that if they didn’t come up with a name he liked by five o’clock, he was naming the company Apple. They didn’t, so he did.

  Adobe. In 1982 John Warnock named this computer software giant after Adobe Creek which ran behind his house in Los Altos, California.

  Google. In 1998 Sergey Brin and Larry Page were looking for money to help start their company, so they boasted to investors that their new search engine could find a googol pieces of information, which is the word for the numeral “1” followed by 100 zeroes. One investor liked them, and immediately wrote a check made out to “Google.” The name stuck.

  Hotmail. In 1995 Jack Smith came up with a program to access e-mail from anywhere in the world. His partner, Sabeer Bhatia, wanted to use the word “mail” in the program’s name and tried to find a word to go with it. He finally chose “Hotmail” because it uses the letters “html” in the word, which is the programming language used to write Web pages. It was originally written as: “HoTMaiL.”