Uncle John's the Enchanted Toilet Bathroom Reader for Kids Only! Read online

  THE STENCH OF DEFENSE

  A moat’s job was to keep intruders outside, where they belonged. Bodiam Castle’s moat was very wide, thanks to a spring that flowed into it. But some say it was a washout. “There are no records of the castle ever having been attacked,” says castle administrator, Cathy Roberts.

  That may have been a good thing. Roberts says the moat would have been “so easy to drain that it would not have been any value as a defense.” If anyone had drained the moat back then, they would have discovered what happens when thirty-three garderobes empty into a moat. What are those? Medieval toilets. Festering at the bottom of Bodiam’s moat was three feet of silt, mud, and other (ahem) waste.

  SECONDHAND MOAT

  After Sir Dalyngrigge’s bloodline died out, Lord George Nathaniel Curzon bought the castle. He drained the moat in 1925 to search through the muck for artifacts. Here are a few of the “treasures” he found:

  •One half of an old handcuff

  •One shoulder piece from a suit of armor

  •One steel sword hilt

  •One spearhead

  •Two horseshoes (extra wide)

  •Glass from the chapel window

  •One bronze vessel (probably an incense burner)

  •One iron circular frame (part of a fishing net)

  •One iron door hook

  •One black-glass wine flagon

  •Three iron cannonballs

  •Four stone catapult balls

  QUACK ATTACK

  When Lord Curzon died, he left all that he’d found to the people of England. (They must have been very grateful.) He also left them the castle, complete with moat. Today, the moat is full again. A large population of carp thrives in its waters. And there has finally been an invasion—a colony of ducks.

  οοο

  MORE MOAT-I-FACTS

  A few more oddities found in castle moats.

  •Desmond Castle, Ireland: a musician’s lyre (a type of hand-held harp) made from the bone of Cervus megaceros, an extinct giant elk

  •Leeds Castle, England: a warder’s horn, which would have been used to announce arrivals at the gate

  •Tower of London, England: the skulls of two lions and one leopard

  •Söder Castle, Germany: 15 anti-vehicle mines placed there during World War II

  THE SHOEMAKER AND THE ELVIS IMPERSONATORS

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  An Uncle John’s Totally Twisted Tale

  A POOR SHOEMAKER had only enough suede leather left for one pair of shoes. As he cut the shapes he needed, he accidentally spilled blueberry juice all over it.

  “I am finished,” he said. “I have no money to buy more suede.” So he went to bed and cried himself to sleep.

  In the morning, he found a pair of blue suede shoes on his worktable. He could not understand what had happened. Did I make these in my sleep? he wondered. The shoes were beautiful. Every stitch appeared to have been made by a master.

  The front door opened, and a man with bushy sideburns and dark glasses rushed in. “I’m all shook up,” he said. “I have a show tonight, and I can’t find my shoes!”

  “What kind of show?” asked the shoemaker.

  But the man didn’t answer. He’d spied the blue suede shoes and his eyes lit up. “How much?” he asked.

  The shoemaker could see how excited the man was. He could also tell that the man must be wealthy, because he wore a shiny white suit dotted with jewels.

  “One hundred dollars,” said the shoemaker.

  “Don’t be cruel!” said the man. “How about fifty?”

  The shoemaker thought it over. With fifty dollars he could buy leather for two more pairs of shoes. So he agreed.

  “Thanks,” said the man. “If you make more shoes like this, I’ll send my show-biz friends over to buy them.”

  That evening, the shoemaker cut out suede for two pairs of shoes. He dyed it with blueberry juice. Then he went to bed while the suede dried. When he awoke, he was amazed to find two perfect pairs of shoes. Within minutes, he’d sold them to two other men who looked exactly like the man who’d bought the first pair, including the bushy sideburns.

  The shoemaker bought more suede—enough for eight shoes. In the morning he found four pairs of blue suede shoes on his worktable. More bushy-sideburn guys in white bejeweled suits bought them.

  “Tonight I will sit up and see who is doing this marvelous work,” said the shoemaker. He hid in a dark corner of his workshop and waited.

  At midnight, two tiny elves crawled in through a window. Their clothes were tattered and torn. They went straight to work with the blue suede, stitching, sewing, and hammering so neatly and quickly that the shoemaker could hardly believe his eyes. They worked until just before dawn, then they scampered away.

  “Those poor little elves have saved my business,” the shoemaker said to himself. “I will reward them with new clothes to replace the rags they’ve been wearing.”

  And what better outfits to make than shiny white suits dotted with jewels, just like the ones his new customers wore? He spent the day stitching the clothing, and in the evening he made tiny blue suede shoes. He set the presents on the table, and he hid again, eager to see the elves’ delight.

  When the elves arrived, they stared at the new clothing. “For us?” said one.

  “Who else?” said the other.

  They quickly undressed and put on the new outfits.

  “How do I look?” asked the first.

  “Slick as a hound dog,” said the second.

  “No more Heartbreak Hotel for us,” said the first elf.

  The elves danced and wiggled their tiny hips and started to sing. “Let’s run, run, run, run, runaway!”

  “Wait!” The first elf stopped dancing. “What about the shoemaker?”

  The shoemaker stood up from his hiding place. “Don’t think twice.” He waved a hand. “It’s all right.” So the elves clicked their blue suede heels and scampered out the window.

  The shoemaker really didn’t mind. He had missed making shoes. So he went back to work, and he prospered. On Friday nights, he visited the retro rock-and-roll club in town to watch the Elvis impersonators. His favorites were tiny compared to the others. But they looked great in their sparkly white suits and blue suede shoes.

  THE END

  Spot all the Elvis songs in this story? See page 286.

  A VISIT TO THE WITCH DOCTOR

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  Just thinking about these weird cures might make you sick.

  In the Zulu, Swazi, Xhosa, and Ndebele tribal traditions of South Africa, sangoma are healers who call upon dead ancestors to help diagnose and cure patients. Sangoma have a more familiar title: witch doctor. Tribal people swear by their witch doctors’ skills. Most sangoma cures are made with ingredients such as plants. But cures like the ones below might be a bit harder to…swallow.

  PROBLEM: Backache

  CURE: Eat crocodile fat.

  PROBLEM: You want to win a soccer game.

  CURE: Eat lion fat.

  PROBLEM: Your crops won’t grow.

  CURE: Bury a human skull in the field.

  PROBLEM: You want to be elected President.

  CURE: Eat a slice of brain.

  PROBLEM: Stroke

  CURE: Eat lizard flesh.

  PROBLEM: You feel weak.

  CURE: Eat ground-up finger bones.

  PROBLEM: You’re sleepy and low on energy.

  CURE: Drink human blood.

  PROBLEM: Your store needs more customers.

  CURE: Bury a human hand under the entrance.

  WIZARD HEADGEAR

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  If you make and wear this wizard hat, you will either gain massive magical power with no training at all…or become a stylish perch for birds and squirrels.

  WHAT YOU NEED:

  οLarge sheet of construction paper

  οScissors

  οClear tape

 
οQuick-dry craft glue

  οTwigs, acorns, leaves

  οOld newspaper

  οSilver glitter spray

  WHAT TO DO:

  1.Roll the construction paper to form a cone. Tape it in place and try the hat on for size. If it needs to be bigger or smaller, peel off the tape and adjust the size before taping it back in place.

  2.Cut off the extra paper at the bottom of the cone so that the hat will stand up on a table.

  3.On the next full moon (for extra power), go outside and gather twigs, acorns, and dried leaves.

  4.Glue on these natural elements to decorate your hat. Let the glue dry for at least a few hours.

  5.Set the hat on newspaper and spray it with glitter spray for that magical sparkly effect.

  6.Put on your hat and feel the power of nature surging through your body (or those birds landing on your head).

  THE THREE LITTLE JACKALOPES

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  An Uncle John’s Totally Twisted Tale

  ONCE UPON A TIME...there were three little jackalopes. They were homeless and sick of wandering the streets. So they decided to build houses. Because they had no money—and were big on recycling—they used building materials they found around town.

  The first little jackalope took down all the old concert flyers he found stapled to telephone poles. He folded them into an origami house. It was as colorful as a rainbow, and he always had plenty of reading material.

  Then one night, as the first little jackalope was reading his bathroom wall, a hungry Doberman came to his door. “Let me in!” he barked. “Or I’ll huff and puff and blow your house down.”

  “I’m in the middle of something here,” said the first little jackalope. “Come back later!”

  The Doberman didn’t want to come back later. He wanted jackalope for dinner. So he huffed and puffed and blew the origami house down. The first little jackalope pulled up his pants and ran as fast as he could to his brother’s house next door.

  The second little jackalope had built his house out of soda cans he found in the trash. The walls smelled as sweet as high fructose corn syrup, and when it rained, the cans made a pleasant tinkling sound.

  Then one tinkly night, the same hungry Doberman dropped by. “Open the door!” he barked. “Or I’ll huff and puff and blow your house down!”

  The second little jackalope looked at his brother. “He’s kidding, right?”

  But the Doberman was not messing around. He huffed and puffed and blew the recycled-can house down. (This also made a pleasant tinkling sound, but the little jackalopes were too busy fleeing to care.)

  The third little jackalope had built his house out of wads of ABC gum he’d found under park benches. He could stick anything to the walls of his house—bottle caps, seashells, his collection of Pez dispensers… He even stuck the toilet paper roll to the bathroom wall.

  When the hungry Doberman came by, he tried his best to blow the gum house down. He huffed and puffed. Nothing happened. Then he coughed up the loogie stuck in his throat and huffed and puffed some more. Still nothing. So he walked up to the house and gave it a giant push. And…his paws stuck. He kicked the house. His foot stuck. Then he kicked the house with his other foot. (He was not the brightest bulb in the lamp.)

  And that is how the three little jackalopes came to live in a very sturdy house with a scraggly Doberman stuck to it.

  THE END

  CONFUCIUS AND THE UNICORN

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  You know those stories moms spread while bragging about their kids? This might be one of them. But we’ve mixed a lot of history with the myth.

  COUGHING UP NEWS

  Legend says that in 551 B.C., a young Chinese woman visited a holy shrine to pray for a son. As she prayed, a unicorn came to her and coughed up a tiny jade tablet. On the tablet was a prophecy: “You will give birth to a throneless king.” What did that mean? Her son would not be a ruler, but he would be a great leader.

  In Chinese mythology, dragons mark the birth of emperors. Unicorns mark the birth of sages (wise men). To thank the unicorn for the good news, the young woman tied a satin sash around its neck.

  FOLLOW THE LEADER

  As predicted, the woman gave birth to a son. His name: K’ung fu-tzu. (Westerners call him Confucius.) True to the unicorn’s prediction, Confucius never served as a ruler of China. In fact, he thought the Chinese ruling class had a lot to learn. They lived in luxury and made commoners foot the bill. How? They forced their people to pay taxes…lots and lots of taxes.

  Confucius believed that taking advantage of the people was wrong. Rulers, he said, should lead by setting a good example. The people being ruled should support good leaders by being loyal followers.

  JACK OF ALL TRADES

  The history of Confucius is confusing. Why? Because there’s a lot of fiction mixed in with the facts. Add in the many names the sage has been called, and the mix gets muddier: Kong Zi, Kong Fu-zi, Master Kong, Kong Qui, K’ung fu-tzi, and, more simply…The Master.

  Before he became The Master, Confucius worked at odd jobs, such as accounting and caring for livestock. At age 50, he became a government official. First he was Minister of Public Works and then Minister of Crime. But before long, Confucius offended a duke—probably with his ideas about what makes a good leader. He was fired as a minister and sent into exile.

  A LITTLE RESPECT

  After that, Confucius became a traveling teacher. He spent his life creating a code of behavior based on the concept of li. Li means respecting others and performing rituals to create order and harmony. Here’s an example: A friend comes by for a visit. To show respect, you treat the visit as a special occasion and offer your friend a cup of tea. In China, that doesn’t mean plopping a tea bag into a cup and pouring boiling water over it. It means spending time to brew a perfect pot of tea (the ritual) and then serving it to your friend (the respect).

  LIKE MOTHER, LIKE SON

  When he was 70 years old, Confucius is said to have finally met his mother’s unicorn. “In the spring,” he wrote, “a unicorn was captured on an imperial hunt.” Some versions of the legend say that the hunters had killed a strange beast in the woods. They had no idea what kind of animal it was, so they asked Confucius to take a look.

  When he saw the animal, Confucius recognized it right away. How? The lifeless unicorn still had his mother’s sash tied around its neck. Confucius had a good cry, and not just for the death of the unicorn. He believed the unicorn’s end foretold his own death.

  THE UNICORN’S LEGACY

  Did the unicorn really exist? “The facts about Confucius are few and far between,” says biographer Russell Freedman. “The spaces are filled in by legend and myth.”

  Those who study Chinese philosophy say that the unicorn represents good government. Confucius knew that the rulers of his day weren’t ready for his ideas. He may have written about the unicorn to show that he feared his ideas would die with him. They did not. After his death, commoners and rulers alike began to follow the “Confucian Code.” His ideas shaped Chinese government and society into the 20th century—that’s about 2,500 years. Not bad for a “throneless king.”

  What did Confucius say—or not say? See pages 115–116.

  TAKE THAT!

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  The price of being royal in England? People make fun of you. (Then again, if you want to keep your head…hold your tongue.)

  KING HENRY VIII

  “He was a blot of grease upon the history of England.”

  —Charles Dickens, author

  QUEEN CAROLINE

  “Most gracious queen, we thee implore, to go away and sin no more. But if the effort be too great, to go away, at any rate.”

  —Anonymous

  KING CHARLES II

  “Here lies our mutton-loving king, whose words no man relies on. Who never said a foolish thing, and never did a wise one.”

  —John Wilmot, second Earl of Rocheste
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  QUEEN VICTORIA

  “In heaven, she’ll have to walk behind the angels—and she won’t like that.”

  —King Edward VII

  QUEEN CHARLOTTE

  “I do think the bloom of her ugliness is wearing off.”

  —Horace Walpole, author

  QUEEN ELIZABETH II

  “She’s just five feet, four inches tall. To make someone that height look regal is difficult.”

  —Hardy Amies, designer

  PRINCE WILLIAM

  “The prince isn’t my type. He’s too horsey-looking.”

  —Keira Knightley, actress

  HOARD IT! THE TOOTH FAIRY

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  An Uncle John’s Totally Twisted Tale

  THE TOOTH FAIRY’S SON, BOB, could hardly believe it. His mother had been at it again. “Another tooth? Mother! Are you serious?” This time, television cameras were there to capture her obsession on film.