Uncle John's the Enchanted Toilet Bathroom Reader for Kids Only! Read online

  •Ursula K. Le Guin says: “I didn’t feel Rowling ripped me off. My incredulity was at the critics who found the first book wonderfully original. She has many virtues, but originality isn’t one of them.”

  •Jane Yolen says: “If Ms. Rowling would like to cut me a very large check, I would cash it.”

  LITTLE MISS MUFFET

  BY MICHELLE R. WEAVER

  GREMLINS’ GUIDE

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  Gremlins are mischievous beasties that mess up machines. During World War II, pilots often blamed them for sabotaging planes. These days, they like to crash computers. Want to be a gremlin? Try these tricks!

  1. AUTO INCORRECT

  The AutoCorrect option in word processing programs will replace any word with any other word. Set Auto-Correct to replace a common word like “Sir” with something silly like “Smelly Sock.” From then on, Auto-Correct will change “Dear Sir” to “Dear Smelly Sock.”

  2. SHRIEKING CELL PHONES!

  Go to a cell phone’s sound setting. Choose the most annoying ringer sound. Then turn up the volume.

  3. SCREEN SHOCKER

  Add some scary photos to a computer’s desktop photos. Set the photos to change every five minutes.

  4. GOOFY EMAIL GREETING

  Go into an email program’s settings. In the “Compose” section, look for “Greeting Name.” Type in a silly name, such as “Ura Fruitcake.” Save the change. The next time the email program is opened, the greeting message will read, “Good morning, Ura Fruitcake!”

  GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE PUFFER FISH

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  An Uncle John’s Totally Twisted Tale

  FOR YEARS, PEOPLE HAVE SPREAD the story of a little girl named Goldilocks. She sneaks into a house where three bears live, eats their food, breaks their chairs, and falls asleep in the smallest bear’s bed. What a fairy tale!

  Goldilocks’s real story took place in Atlantis, where a family of mutant puffer fish lived in an undersea castle. Papa Puffer Fish was the size of a hot-air balloon. Mama Puffer Fish was the size of a beach ball, and Baby Puffer Fish was the size of a super ball—you know, those little bouncy things that roll under the sofa and can never be found again?

  Anyway, Goldilocks was a skilled SCUBA diver. For months she’d been on a quest to discover the lost city of Atlantis. During one dive, she spotted the puffer fish family’s underwater castle.

  Goldie’s crew was on the deck of her ship, The Naughahyde, watching the dive via her helmet cam.

  “Going in!” Goldilocks signaled.

  The inside of the castle was magnificent. Goldilocks floated into the first room, where she found three chairs made of calcified coral. She tried to sit in the first one. “Geez!” she said. “Whoever sits in this chair must have a butt the size of a hot-air balloon.” The second chair was smaller, but it was still too big for Goldie’s tush. The third chair was…just right. But when Goldie sat down, the weird round depression in the middle of the chair—about the size of a super ball—made it very uncomfortable.

  So Goldilocks swam to the next room, where she found three bowls of seaweed stew. The first bowl would have served a blue whale. The second, a great white shark. So she swam to the third bowl to sample what was inside. “Ew!” She took off her helmet cam and pointed it toward herself so her crew could see that she was holding her nose. “This stuff reeks!”

  In the final castle room, Goldilocks found three beds covered with soft sea sponges. The crew members could see the sleepy look in their team leader’s eyes.

  “Goldie! Don’t do it!” they shouted. But Goldilocks turned off the sound on her helmet cam and ignored them.

  She sat on the first bed, but it was too hard. “Not enough sponges.” She yawned and moved on to the next bed. It was covered in so many sponges that when she flopped down on it, all you could see was the lens on her helmet cam sticking out. “Too fluffy,” said Goldie’s sponge-muffled voice. The last bed, however, had one perfect layer of sea sponges. “Just right,” said Goldie.

  As Goldilocks drifted off to sleep, her crew watched in horror. The mutant puffer fish family was swimming toward the castle. (Bah-dum…Bah-dum.)

  “Get out of there!” they yelled, but Goldie couldn’t hear them.

  What followed is too terrible to describe.

  Really.

  We can’t talk about it.

  Why? Because Goldie’s crew sold the video to America’s Most Horrible Fairy-Tale Endings. The episode airs next season. (Unless the show is canceled, which would be a shame.)

  THE END

  οοο

  BARELY BEARABLE RIDDLES

  Q:What do you call Goldilocks when it’s freezing outside?

  A:Coldilocks.

  Q:What did Goldilocks call her grandmother?

  A:Oldylocks.

  Q:What do you call Goldilocks when she plays pin the tail on the donkey?

  A:Blindfoldilocks.

  Q:What do you call Goldilocks’s mother when she nags?

  A:Scoldilocks.

  Q:What do you call Goldilocks when she gets out of jail early?

  A:Paroledilocks.

  Q:What do you call a zombie Goldilocks?

  A:Moldylocks.

  DRAGON DOMAINS

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  Q: Why don’t you ever see dragons? A: Because they’re hiding! Here’s where people once thought you could find them.

  A (RIDICULOUSLY) BRIEF HISTORY

  Legends of dragons terrorizing people have been around for thousands of years. Dragons show up in the ancient lore of China, Europe, the Middle East, and, more recently, in the Americas. Over time, rumors spread that dragons liked to steal treasure, breathe fire, and eat maidens. Result: Some knight or dragon slayer was always out to prove himself by finding a dragon and killing it. So a crafty dragon had to find a place to hole up. Here are a few legendary lairs.

  COOL CAVES. For dragons that loved dark, damp places, caves made ideal hideouts. A dragon could see nearby villages from its cave and stay out of sight while planning attacks. Wawel Hill in Krakow, Poland, is now crowned by a castle. But before the castle was built (sometime before A.D. 1100) a dragon was rumored to live in a cave on the hill’s western slope. The name of this fearsome creature? Smok Wawelski. To avoid the dragon’s wrath, villagers were supposed to leave a certain number of cattle outside his cave each day. But if “lunch” didn’t show up? Smok stormed out of his cave and gobbled up an equal number of human heads.

  MAJESTIC MOUNTAINS. Flying dragons sought safety in dens near the tops of steep mountains. A dragon could swoop down to steal a cow or a wandering child, and then return to its den to eat. The Drachenfels (Dragon Rock) near Bonn, Germany, was the legendary home of a dragon with a very unbalanced diet: It ate only young women. That made it the prime target of a hero named Siegfried. Siegfried climbed up to the dragon’s lair, killed it, and then bathed in its blood. (And you thought dragons were vicious!)

  WILD WATERS. Serpent-like dragons once lurked in lakes, rivers, and oceans. Thousands of years ago one water dragon, the Carthaginian serpent, supposedly hid out in the reeds of Africa’s Bagrada River. When Roman soldiers tried to wade across the river, the dragon squeezed them to death in its terrible coils and then gulped them down. The soldiers fought back. They set up machines to catapult boulders from the riverbank. After several tries, they managed to smash the beast’s skull. A general named Regulus sent the dragon’s skin home to Rome. It was 120 feet long; that’s longer than the blue whale, the largest mammal now living on Earth. The dragon’s skin “disappeared” in 322 B.C.

  DEEP SWAMPS. In England, swamp dragons—called knuckers—hid out in marshy holes. Knucker holes were so deep the water near the bottom never froze, not even in winter. The swamp gas made a knucker’s breath foul enough to scorch skin right off the bone.

  The Dunna Knucker, said to have once lived near Lyminster, West Sussex, liked to eat livestock and people. A boy named Jim Puttock s
et a trap: he put a poisoned pie in a cart near the knucker’s hole. The knucker ate the pie and the cart…and the horse.

  οοο

  YOUR PET DRAGON

  Take this quiz to discover the dragon that’s right for you!

  1.If bites that can infect and kill you don’t matter, go to number 2. If they do, go to number 4.

  2.If your parents won’t let you keep a 300-pound dragon in your room, go to 4. If they will, go to 3.

  3.If you want a 10-foot-long dragon that eats pigs, deer, and the occasional child, go to A. If you want a safer pet, go to 4.

  4.If you are willing to wait for scientists to genetically engineer a dragon like the ones you see in movies, go to B. If you want a pet dragon now, go to C.

  A.The Komodo Dragon is for you! These giant lizards live in Indonesia. (Sorry. They won’t let you take one on a plane.)

  B.The GeneDupe Real Dragon is for you! (Oops! The “scientific article” about this dragon was an April Fools’ Day hoax.)

  C.The bearded dragon is for you! They’re real lizards, and they’re easy to care for. Buy one at your local pet store.

  A WITCHY SNACK

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  Rumor has it that witches enjoy eating fresh eyeballs. So, quick! Make a batch of these witch-catching treats.

  WHAT YOU NEED:

  SUPPLIES

  οAn adult (not a witch)

  οKnife

  οCutting board

  οPlate

  INGREDIENTS

  ο1 Roma tomato

  ο2 fresh mini mozzarella balls

  ο4 large basil leaves

  ο2 green olives

  οOlive oil (optional)

  WHAT TO DO:

  1.Ask the adult to help (or to keep an eye out for witches).

  2.Put the tomato, mozzarella, and olives on a cutting board. Slice the narrow top and bottom ends off the tomato. Then slice the rest of the tomato into four even pieces.

  3.Cut each mini mozzarella ball and each olive in half. Lay out the basil leaves on a plate.

  4.Top each leaf with a tomato slice. Put a mozzarella “eyeball” on top of each tomato slice, and then top each eyeball with an olive “pupil.”

  5.If you want to really tempt the witches, drizzle eye slime (olive oil) over the snack.

  Caution: If there are a lot of witches in your neighborhood, double the recipe!

  EVERYDAY KNIGHT FACTS

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  Knights don’t just show up in fairy tales—they’re a real part of history. From the late 700s through the 1400s knights were warrior nobles in service to king and country. Here are a few fascinating facts.

  οKnights started their training at age seven. A noble boy bound for knighthood went to a neighboring lord’s castle to train as a page. The lady of the castle taught him manners. A priest taught him to read and write. And he learned swordplay—with a wooden sword.

  οAt age 14, a page could become a squire. He might guard prisoners, care for a knight’s armor, and begin to train with real weapons.

  οThe age for becoming an actual knight? About 21.

  οCleaning armor was a bit like making Shake ’n Bake chicken. A knight (or his squire) tossed the armor into a bag with sand, vinegar, and urine (water was too precious) and gave the bag a good shake.

  οOnly the richest knights could afford full-body armor. Others wore partial armor to protect critical areas like arms, legs, or shoulders. But a used suit of armor could sometimes be picked up for free. Where? On the battlefield. (Dead knights don’t need protection.)

  οKnights kept their armor much cleaner than they kept themselves. Until the 1200s, knights never bathed. Why not? They believed that bathing sapped their strength.

  οA full set of plate armor could weigh 60 pounds or more. That may sound like a lot, but it wasn’t enough to slow most knights. To show off how well he could move, a French knight turned a somersault while wearing a full suit of armor.

  οIn battle, a knight’s armor wasn’t the only thing weighing him down. He usually carried a two-edged sword, a dagger, a lance, and a heavy club or battle-axe. Total weight of armor and weapons: 100 pounds. (That’s about the same weight soldiers carry today.)

  οWearing armor and falling off your horse while crossing a river? Bad idea. An experienced German knight did it, and he drowned.

  οKnights weren’t the only ones who needed arms and armor. In 1285, every British male between 15 and 60 had to help keep the peace. The more money a man had, the more arms and armor he was forced to buy. If his land brought in about $20 per year, he had to have an iron breastplate, a mail shirt, a sword, and a knife.

  οIf nature called, a knight had to remove pieces of his armor. But what if he had to pee in the middle of a battle? With swords swinging and arrows flying, no knight in his right mind would take off his armor. If the need grew too great, the knight peed in his suit.

  THE PUDDING-CAKE MAN

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  An Uncle John’s Totally Twisted Tale

  ONCE UPON A TIME, a boy who had no idea how to cook got a craving for chocolate. So he decided to bake a chocolate pudding cake. He didn’t know the first thing about following directions. His cake ended up wobbly and man-shaped. While it was cooling on the counter, the cake sat up and looked at the boy.

  “Hey, kid? Don’t you know I’m supposed to be made of gingerbread?” said the pudding-cake man.

  The boy blinked. “But I wanted chocolate,” he said.

  “Look at me!” said the pudding-cake man. “I’m too jiggly to move! There’s no way I can stand up or run away.”

  “Then I guess it’s time for dessert.” The boy grabbed a big spoon and stuck it into the pudding-cake man, who began oozing molten chocolate.

  “GAAAHHH!!!” cried the pudding-cake man.

  The boy stuck the chocolaty spoon in his mouth. But—since he knew nothing about cooking—he had forgotten to let the pudding cake cool. So he burned his tongue and the roof of his mouth. “GAAAHHH!!!” said the boy. “Evil cake!”

  “Sure, blame it on me,” grumbled the pudding-cake man. He stuck his finger in the hole the boy had made and realized that he didn’t feel a thing. Wait a second, he thought. I can’t feel pain, but I yelled as if I did. Maybe I can run away, even though I don’t have muscles or bones!

  He decided to give it a try. While the boy scrambled to fill a glass with cold water, the pudding-cake man wiggled to a standing position. Then he stepped off the pan and wobbled across the countertop. He crouched at the edge, waiting for his chance.

  The boy gulped down the water and turned around. “I’ll show you who’s boss,” he began, but the pudding-cake man knew that his time had come.

  “HIIII-YAH!” screeched the pudding-cake man (even though he had no vocal cords). In a leap that even a flying squirrel would have admired, he soared off the countertop and stuck to the boy’s face.

  The boy tried to scream, but his cries were muffled by oozing chocolate pudding. Finally, he managed to pull the pudding-cake man off his face. He yanked open the door and flung the terrifying creature outside. “Go!” he ordered. And the pudding-cake man ran, ran, ran, as fast as he…could…his sides jiggling with evil laughter.

  The boy slammed the door and looked at the kitchen. It was a wreck. Pudding blobs were everywhere: on the counter, the cabinets, even the floor. Worse still, for the first time ever, the smell of chocolate made him want to spew chunks.

  “That’s it,” said the boy. “I’m never baking again.”

  THE END

  RIDDLE ME THIS

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  Solve these nursery-rhyme riddles or be a silly goose.

  CHOMPING AT THE BIT

  Twenty white horses

  Upon a red hill;

  Now they tramp,

  Now they champ,

  Now they stand still.

  THIS GIRL IS HOT!

  Little Nancy Etticoat,

  In
a white petticoat,

  And a red nose;

  The longer she stands,

  The shorter she grows.

  THE YOLK IS ON YOU

  No doors there are on this stronghold,

  Yet thieves break in and steal the gold.

  TUG OF WATER

  As round as an apple,

  As deep as a cup,

  All the king’s horses

  Can’t pull it up.

  Answers on page 286.

  Three Silly Huntsmen

  Inspired by Mother Goose

  by Valeri Gorbachev

  MOAT, MOAT...WHAT’S IN THE MOAT?

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  Before you start swimming in a castle’s moat, you might want to know what’s been found floating around in them.

  KNIGHT DEFENDS KING

  Bodiam Castle near Robertsbridge in East Sussex is one of Great Britain’s most famous castles. It was built more than 600 years ago by Sir Edward Dalyngrigge, a knight who served England during the Hundred Years’ War.

  The Hundred Years’ War, by the way, started in 1337 and ended in 1453. This seems to prove that a) the French and English had a hard time getting along in those days, and b) people in the Middle Ages weren’t very good at math.

  ROOK TAKES CASTLE

  Sir Edward must have been quite a knight. He returned from France with so much plunder he needed a castle to show it all off. But he couldn’t just start building. First he had to secure his king’s permission. How did Sir Edward convince King Richard II that he needed a castle? He told the king that the castle would keep the French from rowing up the nearby River Rother to invade England. The king gave Sir Edward a “license to crenellate.” (That meant he could build those towers that look like rooks in a chess game.) But to be a proper castle, Bodiam needed a moat.