Uncle John’s Briefs Read online

  • On average, cats have 24 cheek whiskers—12 on each side of their face—that are arranged in four horizontal rows.

  • Each whisker is rooted in the cat’s upper lip, and every root connects to 200 or more nerve endings.

  • As a cat moves around an object—a bush or a sofa—air currents create a tiny breeze. The whiskers pick up the changes in air pressure, helping the cat to avoid objects in its path.

  • Whiskers also direct hunting cats to their prey. In one experiment, a blindfolded cat was placed in an enclosure with a mouse. When the cat’s whiskers touched the mouse, the cat grabbed its prey and delivered a killing bite in one-tenth of a second.

  • Once the prey is in the cat’s mouth, the whiskers curl forward to sense any movement that might mean the animal is still alive and not safe to eat.

  • The width of a cat’s outstretched whiskers is usually the same as the width of his body, enabling him to measure whether a hole or opening is wide enough for him to enter. When a cat gains too much weight, though, his whiskers stay the same size. So a fat cat may misjudge the size of his body and get stuck in a hole or cat door.

  • Cats also have whiskers on the backs of their front paws, which help him walk over uneven ground without stumbling. Paw whiskers also help cats determine the size and position of captured prey.

  • Cats use their whiskers to communicate. Whiskers held out to the side indicate calmness or friendliness. When they’re pointed upward, the cat is alert or excited. Backward-pointing: Look out—that’s a defensive or angry cat.

  • Whiskers are such an important part of a cat’s physiology that the feline fetus develops whiskers before any other hairs. And when kittens are born, they’re blind and deaf, but the touch sensors on their whiskers are fully operational.

  So where do they sleep? Ornithologists say birds do not sleep in their nests.

  SNAP, CRACKLE…FLOP!

  For every successful cereal like Frosted Flakes or Wheaties, there are hundreds of bombs like Banana Wackies and Ooboperoos. Here are a few legendary cereal flops.

  Kellogg’s Kream Crunch (1963). Frosted-oat loops mixed with cubes of freeze-dried vanilla-orange or strawberry ice cream. According to a Kellogg’s exec: “The product kind of melted into gooey ice cream in milk. It just wasn’t appetizing.”

  Sugar Smiles (1953). General Mills’ first try at sugar cereal. A bizarre mixture of plain Wheaties and sugar-frosted Kix. Slogan: “You can’t help smiling the minute you taste it.”

  Dinos (early 1990s). After the success of Fruity Pebbles, Post tried naming a cereal after the Flintstones’ pet dinosaur. “A question that came up constantly,” recalls a Post art director, “was ‘We’ve got Cocoa Pebbles and Fruity Pebbles…so what flavor is Dino?’…It sounds like something Fred would be getting off his lawn instead of something you’d want to be eating.”

  Day-O (late 1960s). “The world’s first calypso-inspired presweetened cereal,” from General Mills.

  Ooops (early 1970s). General Mills had so many bombs, they came up with a cereal they actually said was based on a mistake—jingle: “Ooops, it’s a crazy mistake, Ooops, it’s a cereal that’s great!”

  Kellogg’s Corn Crackos (1967). The box featured the Waker Upper Bird perched on a bowl of candy-coated twists. An internal company memo said: “It looks like a bird eating worms; who wants worms for breakfast?”

  Punch Crunch (1975). A spinoff of Cap’n Crunch. The screaming pink box featured Harry S., an exuberant hippo in a sailor suit, making goo-goo eyes at Cap’n Crunch. Many chain stores perceived the hippo as gay and refused to carry the cereal. Marveled one Quaker salesman: “How that one ever got through, I’ll never understand.”

  To shuffle one’s feet while mumbling is to whittie-whattie.

  REJECTED!

  If you gave up every time you failed, you’d never succeed. These people got rejected, but they didn’t give up—and the rest of us benefited.

  Who wants to copy a document on plain paper?”

  This was included in one of the 20 rejection letters Chester Carlson received for his invention—the Xerox machine. After six years of rejections, the Haloid Company bought his idea in 1944. The first copier was sold in 1950, and Carlson made over $150 million in his lifetime.

  “The product is worthless.”

  Bayer Pharmaceuticals’ 1897 rejection of Felix Hoffman’s formula for aspirin. (They eventually accepted it in 1899.)

  “Too different from other juvenile titles on the market to warrant its selling.”

  One book publisher said this in 1937 about And to Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street, the first children’s book by Dr. Seuss. In fact, 27 publishers rejected it before Vanguard Press accepted. Dr. Seuss went on to write over 40 children’s books that sold nearly half a billion copies.

  “Balding, skinny, can dance a little.”

  Paramount Pictures made this assessment after an early audition by Fred Astaire. He signed with RKO Studios instead.

  “We are not interested in science fiction which deals with negative utopias. They do not sell.”

  This was said to Stephen King in the early 1970s about his first novel, Carrie. The book went on to become the first of dozens of bestsellers for King, the top-selling horror author of all time.

  “Hopeless.”

  A music teacher’s opinion of his student’s composing ability. The student: Ludwig van Beethoven.

  The region of the U.S. that consumes the least alcohol (the “Bible Belt”) is also known by many doctors as “Stroke Alley.”

  UNCLE JOHN HELPS OUT

  AROUND THE HOUSE

  Impress your family with these strange household tips.

  • Having trouble removing a stubborn splinter? Squirt some Elmer’s Glue on the area. When it dries, peel it off—the splinter will come off with it.

  • To protect fine china from getting scratched, put a coffee filter between each dish or teacup when you stack them.

  • Telephone getting grimy? Wipe it down with a soft cloth dipped in rubbing alcohol.

  • Lose a contact lens in your carpet? Cover the end of a vacuum hose with a stocking and secure it with a rubber band. Then vacuum, holding the hose about an inch off the carpet. The stocking will prevent the lens from being sucked in.

  • In a pinch, olive oil makes an effective (but greasy) substitute for shaving cream.

  • Used fabric softener sheets are excellent for wiping dust off computer and TV screens.

  • Adding a cup of coarse table salt to a load of wash helps prevent colors from fading.

  • You can use Silly Putty to clean the gunk off your computer keyboard (and when you’re finished you can use it to remove lint from clothes).

  • Spy tip: Mailing a sensitive document? Seal the envelope with egg white—it’s nearly impossible to steam open.

  • Wash windows on a cloudy day: sunlight makes the cleaner dry more quickly, which can cause streaks.

  • Kitty litter is good for soaking up oil and other fluids your car drips on your driveway.

  • Spice drops (similar to gum drops) make an effective bait for mousetraps.

  • To unclog a metal showerhead, unscrew it, remove the rubber washer, and simmer the shower-head in equal parts water and vinegar for about five minutes. (Soak—do not boil—plastic showerheads.)

  • If you freeze candles before you use them, they will burn slower and last longer.

  “DID I SHAVE

  MY LEGS FOR THIS?”

  …and other great—and real—country song titles.

  “Mama Get a Hammer (There’s a Fly on Papa’s Head)”

  “Rednecks, White Socks, and Blue Ribbon Beer”

  “He Went to Sleep and the Hogs Ate Him”

  “Redneck Martians Stole My Baby”

  “If Fingerprints Showed Up on Skin, Wonder Whose I’d Find on You”

  “It Ain’t Love, but It Ain’t Bad”

  “Flushed from the Bathroom of Your Heart”

 
“She Feels Like a Brand New Man Tonight”

  “She Got the Gold Mine (I Got the Shaft)”

  “You’re the Reason Our Kids Are Ugly”

  “She Dropped Me in Denver (So I Had a Whole Mile to Fall)”

  “Thank God and Greyhound She’s Gone”

  “She Broke My Heart at Walgreens (and I Cried All the Way to Sears)”

  “Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth (Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye)”

  “All My Exes Live in Texas (That’s Why I Hang My Hat in Tennessee)”

  “I Got in at Two With a Ten and Woke Up at Ten With a Two”

  “Touch Me with More Than Your Hands”

  “My Wife Left Me for My Girlfriend”

  “Get Your Biscuits in the Oven and Your Buns in the Bed”

  “Drop-Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goalposts of Life”

  “I’m the Only Hell (My Mama Ever Raised)”

  “Too Dumb for New York, Too Ugly for L.A.”

  “If You See Me Gettin’ Smaller, It’s ’Cause I’m Leavin’ You”

  By age 30, the average American has had 7.5 different jobs.

  BASEBALL’S DISABLED

  (AND EMBARRASSED) LIST

  Uncle John was supposed to have this article done a month ago, but he broke three of the fingers on his typing hand when he jammed them in the toilet paper dispenser. It turns out he’s not the only guy to hurt himself in a way that he’d rather not talk about.

  Vince Coleman (St. Louis Cardinals, 1985): Bruised his leg and chipped a bone in his knee when a mechanical tarp at Busch Stadium rolled over him while he was stretching before a playoff game. (He wasn’t paying attention.) Coleman ended up missing the rest of the postseason, including the World Series, which the Cardinals lost to the Kansas City Royals in seven games. “That tarp was a real maneater,” said Coleman.

  • Bill Lee (Montreal Expos, 1979): While jogging in Montreal, Lee jumped into the street to avoid a cat and was hit by a taxi.

  • Pea Ridge Day (St. Louis Cardinals, 1920s): Famous for his hog calls and his ability to snap leather belts by expanding his chest, Day broke three ribs while demonstrating the latter.

  • Dwight Gooden (New York Mets, 1990): Suffered a broken toe when teammate Mackey Sasser placed a metal folding chair on his left foot and sat on it without looking. The incident caused Gooden to miss a game; three years later he missed another game when Vince Coleman hit his shoulder with a nine-iron while practicing his golf swing in the locker room.

  • Marty Cordova (Baltimore Orioles, 2002): Fell asleep in a tanning bed and suffered burns to his face and other body parts.

  • Eric Show (Oakland A’s, 1991): Stabbed himself in the finger with a toothpick; the resulting infection kept him out for 15 days.

  • Jerry May (Pittsburgh Pirates, 1969): Crashed into the dugout while trying to make a catch. While being rushed to the hospital for that injury, he injured his shoulder when the ambulance he was riding in got into an accident. That injury cost May his job with the Pirates; his career never recovered.

  The Manhattan cocktail was invented by Winston Churchill’s mother.

  • Clarence Blethen (Boston Red Sox, 1923): Blethen, who’d lost all his teeth by the age of 30, liked to intimidate batters by removing his dentures and grimacing when he pitched. During one game, he forgot to put them back in after batting; they were still in his back pocket when he slid into second base. He is the only player in major league history (as far as we know, anyway) to bite himself in the butt during a game.

  • Greg Minton (San Francisco Giants, 1985): Drove a nail into his pitching hand while trying to shoe a horse.

  • Wade Boggs (Boston Red Sox, mid-1980s): Sprained his back after he lost his balance while trying to remove his cowboy boots.

  • Steve Sparks (Milwaukee Brewers, 1994): Pitcher Sparks dislocated his shoulder while trying to tear a phone book in half, a stunt demonstrated to him earlier in the week by motivational speakers hired by the team.

  • Jose Cardenal (Chicago Cubs, 1972): Missed a game due to exhaustion when crickets in his hotel room kept him up all night.

  • Randy Veres (Florida Marlins, 1995): Another hotel-related injury: Veres injured the tendon in his right pinkie while punching his headboard several times when the people in the next room wouldn’t quiet down.

  • Bret Barberie (Florida Marlins, 1995): Missed a game after he was “blinded” by his chili-pepper nachos—he failed to wash his hands thoroughly before putting in his contact lenses.

  • David Wells (San Diego Padres, 2004): Kicked a 40-lb. iron bar stool, lost his balance, and fell on a beer glass, cutting his left hand and a tendon in his right wrist.

  • Glenallen Hill (Toronto Blue Jays, 1990): A sleepwalker who’s also terrified of spiders, Hill suffered cuts and bruises on his hands, feet, and elbow after he smashed his foot through a glass coffee table and fell down a flight of stairs while “fleeing” the spiders in one of his dreams. The incident landed him on the 15-day disabled list and earned him the nickname “Spiderman.”

  Ants cannot chew their food.

  LATE BLOOMERS

  Sometimes it seems like child prodigies and teenage phenoms are a dime a dozen. But, as these people prove, it’s never too late to become a spectacular success.

  LATE BLOOMER: Clara Peller

  STORY: Peller was a 74-year-old manicurist when a television crew member plucked her out of her salon and asked her to appear as an extra in a commercial—as a manicurist. Eight years later, the commercial’s producer remembered Peller when he was casting a series of ads for Wendy’s hamburgers. He located her—now 82 and retired from her nail salon—and gave her a role as a grumpy old lady with a catchphrase: “Where’s the beef?” Peller’s one-line performance was a hit. In the final three years of her life, she worked in commercials and movies, and even made an appearance on Saturday Night Live.

  LATE BLOOMER: Helen Hooven Santmyer

  STORY: Santmyer, born in 1895, always wanted to be a writer. By the age of 33 she’d published two novels, but neither was a commercial success. That wouldn’t come for another 55 years when, at the age of 88, she published her landmark novel …And Ladies of the Club. The book, which had taken her nearly 10 years to write (and a year and a half to condense down to 1,300 pages), became a runaway success, selling more than a million copies and spending eight months on the New York Times bestseller list.

  LATE BLOOMER: Jacob Cohen

  STORY: At the age of 19, Cohen was determined to become a comedian. But after struggling for nine years, he gave up—he needed a real job to support his family. He worked odd jobs (including selling aluminum siding) until his 40s, when he decided to give show business a second try. Cohen went on to have a very respectable 40-year career in television and films under the name Rodney Dangerfield.

  No $%@&! Over a lifetime, the average driver will swear 32,000 times in his or her car.

  FREE PORK WITH HOUSE

  Have you ever been stuck in the bathroom with nothing to read? (Our greatest fear.) Try flipping through the classifieds to look for ones like these.

  FREE

  Beautiful 6-month-old kitten, playful, friendly, very affectionate OR… Handsome 32-year-old husband—personable, funny, good job, but hates cats. Says he goes or cat goes. Come see both and decide which you’d like.

  Free! 1 can of pork & beans with purchase of 3-Bedroom, 2-bath home

  German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.

  FOR SALE

  1-man, 7-woman hot tub, $850

  Amana Washer Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.

  Cows, Calves never bred… also 1 gay bull for sale.

  Tickle Me Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Mustang, 5l, Auto, Excellent Condition $6800

  Georgia Peaches California Grown—89¢ lb.

  Fully cooked boneless smoked man—$2.09 lb.

  Kellogg’s Pot Tarts: $1.99 Box

  Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs—$175

/>   Used tombstone, perfect for someone named Homer Hendelbergenheinzel. One only.

  For Sale: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man)—$50

  Turkey for sale: Partially eaten, eight days old, drumsticks still intact. $23 obo

  MISCELLANEOUS

  Have Viagra. Need woman, any woman between 18 & 80.

  Shakespeare’s Pizza—Free Chopsticks

  Hummels—Largest selection. “If it’s in stock, we have it!”

  Wanted: Somebody to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. You’ll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.

  Hairobért: If we can’t make you look good…You ugly!

  Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

  It is believed that “canoe” was the first Native American word to be assimilated into English.

  MYTH-SPOKEN

  We hate to say it (well actually, we like to say it), but some of the best-known quotes in history weren’t said by the people they’re attributed to…and some weren’t even said at all!

  Line: “Go west, young man, go west.”

  Supposedly Said By: Horace Greeley, publisher of the New York Tribune, in 1851

  Actually: Even in 1851, big-city media had all the influence. Greeley merely reprinted an article from the Terre Haute, Indiana, Express, but ever since, people have identified it with him. The line was really written by a “now forgotten and never very famous” newspaperman named John Soule.

  Line: “Taxation without representation is tyranny!”

  Supposedly Said By: James Otis, a lawyer arguing in a Boston court against British search warrants, in 1761

  Actually: For years, schoolchildren were taught that this was “the rallying cry of the American Revolution.” But no one in Otis’s time ever mentioned him saying it. It wasn’t until 1820, almost 60 years later, that John Adams referred to the phrase for the first time.