Uncle John’s Briefs Read online

  Uncle John’s Briefs

  Bathroom Readers’ Institute

  Portable Press (2012)

  * * *

  * * *

  Quick Bits

  of Fascinating Facts

  and Amazing Trivia

  By the

  Bathroom Readers’

  Institute

  Bathroom Readers’

  Press Ashland, Oregon

  OUR “REGULAR”

  READERS RAVE!

  “I started reading your books after a colleague, ordinarily not much of a conversationalist, started to get smarter and smarter by the day. We couldn’t figure out what was going on until we caught him reading one of your books. I bought my first one that night.”

  —Ernie

  “God bless the Bathroom Reader. A lavatory without it is like a Pinto without a bumper: You could use it, but who’d want to?”

  —Gregory

  “Bathroom Readers are perfect for any occasion. When we needed a housewarming gift, we got an Uncle John’s. When we needed Christmas presents, we gave Uncle John’s. We were invited to a birthday party for three men and needed gifts for all three. Not knowing what they liked or needed, we bought three Bathroom Readers! The response?… They can’t stop talking about it. Thank you.”

  —John

  “Just wanted to let you guys know that you are the BEST. I absolutely love your books—I’ve been reading them since I was ten, and I’m sure I’ve read all eight or nine in my collection fifteen times each, at least. And, thanks to you, I now have an interesting (albeit annoying) tidbit for every conversation! Many kudos.”

  —Kristin

  “I worship your books. They are the best. Congratulations on making the only book I’ve read in five years that I wasn’t forced to read. Rock on!”

  —Vincent

  “You’re the best thing to happen to the reading room since indoor plumbing and store-bought tissue (them cornhusks can get mighty rough, you know!) Keep up the good work and Go with the Flow!”

  —Rick

  UNCLE JOHN’S BRIEFS

  Copyright © 2010 by the Bathroom Readers’ Press (a division of Portable Press). All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. “Bathroom Reader” and “Bathroom Readers’ Institute” are registered trademarks of Baker & Taylor. All rights reserved.

  Articles in this edition have been included from the following books: Uncle John’s Ultimate Bathroom Reader © 1996; Uncle John’s Giant 10th Anniversary Bathroom Reader © 1997; Uncle John’s Great Big Bathroom Reader © 1998; Uncle John’s Absolutely Absorbing Bathroom Reader © 1999; Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader © 1999; Uncle John’s All-Purpose Extra Strength Bathroom Reader © 2000; Uncle John’s Supremely Satisfying Bathroom Reader © 2001; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Plunges Into History © 2001; Uncle John’s Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader © 2002; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Plunges Into the Universe © 2002; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader for Kids Only © 2002; Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader © 2003; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Plunges Into Great Lives © 2003; Uncle John’s Colossal Collection of Quotable Quotes © 2004; Uncle John’s Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader © 2004; Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader © 2005; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Tees Off on Golf © 2005; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Plunges Into Hollywood © 2005; Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader © 2006; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Wonderful World of Odd © 2006; Uncle John’s Tales to Inspire © 2006; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Quintessential Collection of Notable Quotables © 2006; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Cat Lover’s Companion © 2006; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Dog Lover’s Companion © 2007; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Plunges Into Music © 2007; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Plunges Into National Parks © 2007; Uncle John’s Triumphant 20th Anniversary Bathroom Reader © 2007; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Takes a Swing at Baseball © 2008; Uncle John’s Unsinkable Bathroom Reader © 2008; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Plunges Into Pennsylvania © 2009; Uncle John’s Certified Organic Bathroom Reader © 2009.

  For information, write:

  The Bathroom Readers’ Institute,

  P.O. Box 1117, Ashland, OR 97520

  www.bathroomreader.com • 888-488-4642

  Cover design by Michael Brunsfeld, San Rafael, CA ([email protected])

  eISBN: 978-1-60710-649-4

  E-book edition: June 2012

  THANK YOU!

  The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely thanks the people whose advice and assistance made this book possible.

  Gordon Javna

  Amy Miller

  Jay Newman

  Brian Boone

  John Dollison

  Thom Little

  Michael Brunsfeld

  Angela Kern

  JoAnn Padgett

  Melinda Allman

  Sydney Stanley

  Monica Maestas

  Amy Ly

  Lilian Nordland

  Ginger Winters

  Sarah Rosenberg

  David Cully

  Mustard Press

  Scarab Media

  John Javna

  Karen Malchow

  Publishers Group West

  Raincoast Books

  The Boxer Rebellion

  Long John Silver

  Amelia Bloomer

  Will Shortz

  Porter the Wonder Dog

  Thomas Crapper

  …and the many writers, editors, and other contributors who have helped make Uncle John the bathroom fixture he is today.

  CONTENTS

  Because the BRI understands your reading needs, we’ve divided the contents by length as well as subject.

  Short—a quick read

  Medium—2 to 3 pages, but still brief

  HEROES & VILLAINS

  Short

  Odd Superheroes

  Medium

  Local Heroes

  Vampires on Bikini Beach

  Local Hero: Leroy Gorham

  IT’S A BLUNDERFUL LIFE

  Short

  Not Exactly Prince Charming

  Little Things Mean a Lot

  I Apologize

  Medium

  Baseball’s Disabled (and Embarrassed) List

  Unintended Consequences

  Oops!

  BATHROOM LORE

  Short

  Died on the John

  Medium

  Uncle John’s Stall of Fame

  Ask Uncle John: In the Bathroom

  Fart Facts

  PLANES, TRAINS & AUTOMOBILES

  Short

  Just Plane Weird

  A Dotty Idea

  Medium

  Wrong Way Corrigan

  FADS & FLOPS

  Short

  Snap, Crackle…Flop!

  The Chew-Chew Man

  Medium

  Toy Fads

  TV OR NOT TV

  Short

  Star Trek Wisdom

  Game Show Goofs

  Medium

  Flintstone v. Jetson

  Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?

  AMERICANA

  Short

  You Yell, We Shell!

  Uniquely Presidential

  The Joy of Sects: A Quiz

  Medium

  How to Read a Dollar Bill

  Castle in the Desert

  Tearing Down the White House

  The Sad Tale of Centralia

  POP SCIENCE

  Medium

  Wrinkles in Time

  You Want a Piece of Me?

  The Garbag
e Vortex

  The Earth Is Flat!

  The Symbol

  Patently Absurd

  Nature’s Revenge

  Close Encounters of the Credible Kind

  Earth’s Greatest Hits

  LAW & ORDER

  Short

  You Stole What, Now?

  Grounds for Divorce

  Court Transquips

  Medium

  Dumb Crooks

  To Tell the Truth

  To Tell the Truth, Part II

  Celebrity Lawsuits

  AROUND THE HOUSE

  Short

  Uncle John Helps Out Around the House

  I Walk the Lawn

  Medium

  (Bad) Dream Houses

  WORDPLAY

  Short

  How Do You Say… “Mullet”?

  Tom Swifties

  Tongue Twisters

  Ol’ Jay’s Brainteasers

  I Toast You!

  I Curse You!

  Bierce-isms

  Lost in Translation

  Medium

  Sound Smarter

  CANADIANA

  Short

  Canadians on Canada

  Medium

  Jellied Moose Nose

  The Avro Arrow, Part I

  The Avro Arrow, Part II

  BODY OF KNOWLEDGE

  Short

  What Dreams Mean

  Anatomy of a Hiccup

  Medium

  Left-Handed Facts

  Nudes & Prudes

  Love at First Sight?

  Ask Uncle John: The Human Body

  To Sleep…or Not to Sleep?

  BUSINE$$

  Short

  Plop, Plop, Quiz, Quiz

  How to Avoid Getting Hired

  Pleased to Meat You

  Brand Names

  Medium

  New Products

  MUSIC

  Short

  “Did I Shave My Legs for This?”

  Juzt Nutz

  The First…

  Medium

  Swan Songs

  The Other Sopranos

  The Who?

  INTERNATIONAL AFFAIRS

  Short

  Why Don’t We Have a Word for That?

  Cold, Hard Facts

  Brits vs. Americans: A Word Quiz

  Dialogues With World Leaders

  Weird Mexico

  Jesus in Shingo

  Medium

  Know Your Geography

  Where’s Your Mecca?

  Maneki Neko

  Name That Country

  CREATURE FEATURES

  Short

  Whisker Facts

  The Bugs and the Bees

  Jaws, Jr.

  Statue Rats

  Medium

  Madison Avenue Mutts

  Die-Hard Chicken

  FOOD & DRINK

  Short

  Drink Up

  Food Superstitions

  What’s for Breakfast?

  Medium

  Name Your Poison

  Food a Millennium Ago

  What Is Spam?

  Scotland’s Dish

  THAT’S DEATH

  Short

  Ironic Deaths

  Reading Tombstones

  Death Customs

  My Body Lies Over the Ocean

  POP-POURRI

  Short

  You’re My Inspiration

  Speaking “Tourist”

  Crazy Eights

  You’re My Inspiration

  Uncle John’s Page of Lists

  That’s About the Size of It

  Medium

  Smithsonian Fun

  Golden-Age Radio Treasures

  Q&A: Ask the Experts

  FORGOTTEN HISTORY

  Short

  Firsts

  Stagecoach Rules

  Medium

  Filthy Water People

  The Iceman Cometh

  REEL LIFE

  Short

  Yah-Hah, Evil Spider Woman!

  Hollywood's #1 Star

  I’d Like to Thank the Academy…

  Medium

  Lebowski 7:16

  Oscar’s Bloopers

  Video Treasures

  Rambo, Starring Al Pacino

  LIFE IS STRANGE

  Short

  Rejected!

  Why Ask Why?

  Medium

  Lucky Finds

  Family Reunions

  The Missing Mom

  MYTHS & HOAXES

  Short

  Not What They Seem to Be

  Myth America

  Medium

  Myth-Spoken

  “Bunga Bunga!”

  SPORTS & GAMES

  Short

  He Slud Into Third

  “Going, Going…Gone!”

  Medium

  Animals in the Outfield

  NASCAR 101

  Games People Play

  Let’s Play Gorufu!

  Card-Playing Superstitions

  Best Deal in $port$ History

  PUBLIC LIVES

  Short

  Late Bloomers

  Famous Tightwads

  Medium

  Famous for 15 Minutes

  Diva of the Desert

  ORIGINS

  Short

  Random Origins

  Let’s Dance!

  Founding Fathers

  Medium

  Random Origins

  Let’s Dance!

  A Musical Is Born

  THE PRINTED WORD

  Short

  Free Pork With House

  My Other Vehicle Is in Orbit

  Little Willie

  Flubbed Headlines

  Medium

  Novel Starts

  What the #!&%?

  The League of Comic Book Creators

  A Barrel of Laughs

  PAST & FUTURE

  Medium

  Were You Raised in a Barn?

  Predictions for the Year 2000

  When Your Husband Gets Home…

  Ladies, Behave Yourselves

  MOUTHING OFF

  Short

  Mr. T

  Always…

  Never…

  Say Goodnight, Gracie

  When Celebrities Attack

  The English Language

  Final Thoughts

  Medium

  Supposedly Said

  WORD & PHRASE ORIGINS

  Short

  He’s a Curly Wolf

  Underworld Lingo

  Smudgers & Sleepers

  Medium

  Word Origins

  Familiar Phrases

  Answer Pages

  INTRODUCTION

  First, a brief history of the Bathroom Readers’ Institute: In 1987 a small gaggle of pop-culture aficionados led by Uncle John decided to make a book just for the bathroom. We compiled strange news stories, interesting facts, trivia, history, science, and whatever else we could find to create the very first Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader. Since then, we’ve released 22 annual volumes as well as dozens of special editions—kids’ books, plus books about pets, states, sports, quotes, science, movies, and much more. All in all, it adds up to nearly 20,000 pages of bathroom reading. (Really? Wow.)

  So why this book? Most of our Bathroom Readers include short, medium, and long articles—and a few extra-long ones for those leg-numbing bathroom experiences. But over the years, a lot of our readers have asked us to put together an edition with all of the best short stuff. So we scoured our entire library to find our all-time favorite 1- and 2-page articles (along with a few absorbing 3-pagers). And voilà—here it is.

  Open up Briefs to any page, and you’re sure to find something you didn’t know: an interesting origin, a wise quotation, an obscure bit of history, or something totally random, such as the “Bunga Bunga” hoax (a prankster fools the British Navy), symbolic meanings of dreams, the true story of Mike the Headless Chicken, Irish toasts and curses (our fa
vorite: “Your nose should grow so much hair it strains your soup!”), how to say “mullet” in other languages, the science of farts, and…well, you get the idea.

  So turn the page and treat yourself to a few seconds (or hours) of entertainment. Happy reading and, as always…

  Go with the Flow!

  —Uncle John, the BRI staff, and Porter the Wonder Dog

  Check out www.bathroomreader.com for more bite-sized pieces of bathroom-reading fun.

  YOU’RE MY INSPIRATION

  It’s always interesting to find out where the architects of pop culture get their ideas. These may surprise you.

  CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY. In the 1920s, England’s two biggest chocolate makers, Cadbury and Rowntree, tried to steal trade secrets by sending spies into each others’ factories, posed as employees. Result: Both companies became highly protective of their chocolate-making process. When Roald Dahl was 13, he worked as a taste-tester at Cadbury. The secretive policies and the giant, elaborate machines later inspired him to create chocolatier Willy Wonka.

  MARLBORO MAN. Using a cowboy to pitch the cigarette brand was inspired when ad execs saw a 1949 Life magazine photo—a close-up of a weather-worn Texas rancher named Clarence Hailey Long, who wore a cowboy hat and had a cigarette in his mouth.

  NAPOLEON DYNAMITE. Elvis Costello used it as a pseudonym on his 1986 album Blood and Chocolate. Scriptwriter Jared Hess met a street person who said his name was Napoleon Dynamite. Coon liked the name and, unaware of the Costello connection, used it for the lead character in his movie.

  THE ODD COUPLE. In 1962 TV writer Danny Simon got divorced and moved in with another divorced man. Simon was a neat freak, while his friend was a slob. Simon’s brother, playwright Neil Simon, turned the situation into The Odd Couple. (Neil says Danny inspired at least nine other characters in his plays.)

  CHARLIE THE TUNA. The Leo Burnett Agency created Charlie for StarKist Tuna in 1961. Ad writer Tom Rogers based him on a beatnik friend of his (that’s why he wears a beret) who wanted to be respected for his “good taste.”

  “I DON’T GET NO RESPECT.” After seeing The Godfather in 1972, comedian Rodney Dangerfield noticed that all the characters did the bidding of Don Corleone out of respect. Dangerfield just flipped the concept.

  An average covered wagon train crossed the prairie at 1-2 miles per hour.

  WHISKER FACTS

  A cat’s whiskers are a marvel of form and function. Here are a few facts about them that will have you feline fine.