Uncle John’s Giant 10th Anniversary Bathroom Reader Read online

  Until then, thanks for your support, and remember:

  Go with the flow.

  —Uncle John and the

  Bathroom Readers’ Institute.

  COURT TRANSQUIPS

  Do court transcripts make good bathroom reading? Check out these quotes, from a little book called Disorder in the Court. They’re things people actually said in court, recorded ward for word.

  Q: “What is your date of birth?”

  A: “July fifteenth.”

  Q: “What year?”

  A: “Every year.”

  Q: “What gear were you in at the moment of impact?”

  A: “Gucci sweats and Reeboks.”

  Q: “Are you sexually active?”

  A: “No, I just lie there.”

  Q: “This myasthenia gravis—does it affect your memory at all?

  A: “Yes.”

  Q: “And in what ways does it affect your memory?”

  A: “I forget.”

  Q: “You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?”

  Q: “How old is your son—the one living with you.”

  A: “Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.”

  Q: “How long has he lived with you?”

  A: “Forty-five years.”

  Q: “What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?”

  A: “He said, ‘Where am I Cathy?’”

  Q: “And why did that upset you?”

  A: “My name is Susan.”

  Q: “And where was the location of the accident?”

  A: “Approximately milepost 499.”

  Q: “And where is milepost 499?”

  A: “Probably between milepost 498 and 500.”

  Q: “Sir, what is your IQ.”

  A: “Well, I can see pretty well, I think.”

  Q: “Did you blow your horn or anything?”

  A: “After the accident?”

  Q: “Before the accident.”

  A: “Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.”

  Q: “Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?”

  A: “We both do.”

  Q: “Voodoo?”

  A: “We do.”

  Q: “You do?”

  A: “Yes, voodoo.”

  Q: “Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?”

  A: “Yes.”

  Q: “Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?”

  A: “Yes, sir.”

  Q: “What did she say?”

  A: “‘What disco am I at?’”

  First person to refer to a coward as a “chicken”: William Shakespeare.

  YOUR GOVERNMENT AT WORK

  BRI member Tim Harrower found most of these in a book called Goofy Government Grants & Wacky Waste. Now you can breathe a sigh of relief that your tax dollars are well spent on things like…

  SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH

  • Using bikini-clad women as bait, the National Science Foundation spent $64,000 to study whether distractions such as sex would decrease the honking of drivers stuck in traffic jams.

  • Researchers from the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism spent $102,000 to learn whether sunfish that drink tequila are more aggressive than sunfish that drink gin.

  • University of Washington scientists used a government grant to monitor worm defecation. They discovered that all their worms were constipated.

  • The National Institutes of Health spent more than $1 million to study cervical cancer using two test groups: nuns who were virgins and “nuns who are sexually active.”

  BUILDING A STRONG MILITARY

  • Martin Marietta, a Department of Defense contractor, was caught charging the government $263,000 for tickets to a Smokey Robinson concert in Denver and $20,194 for professional-quality golf balls.

  • In 1981, the U.S. Air Force said it could build 132 B-2 bombers for $22 billion. After eight years it had spent the money and had only one plane. A year of tests showed that the B-2 could perform its missions only 26% of the time…and it deteriorated in rain, heat, and humidity. The Air Force said it didn’t want any more B-2s; Congress authorized contractors to build 21 of them anyway, at a cost of $44.7 billion.

  But It’s Not Just Us: The government of Japan recently financed a 7-year study to determine whether earthquakes are caused by catfish wiggling their tails.

  The saguaro cactus does not grow its first arm until it’s at least 75 years old.

  SUPERSTITIONS

  Here’s where some common superstitions come from.

  FINDING A FOUR-LEAF CLOVER

  The belief that four-leaf clovers are good luck comes from the Druids, ancient residents of the British Isles. Several times a year, they gathered in oak groves to settle legal disputes and offer sacrifices…then they ended their rituals by hunting for four-leaf clovers. Why? They believed a four-leaf enabled its owner to see evil spirits and witches—and therefore avoid them.

  THROWING PENNIES INTO A WELL

  Ancient people believed spirits living in springs and fountains demanded tribute—usually flesh. Young Mayan girls, for example, were sometimes tossed into the Well of Sacrifice (where they would “marry” the spirits). Today we just toss the spirits a penny or two for luck.

  KNOCKING ON WOOD

  In the Middle Ages, churchmen insisted that knocking on wood was part of their tradition of prayer, since Christ was crucified on a wooden cross. They were right…but the tradition started several thousands of years earlier, with a different deity. Both Native Americans and ancient Greeks developed the belief (independently) that oak trees were the domain of an important god. By knocking on an oak, they were communicating with him and asking for his forgiveness. The Greeks passed their tradition on to the Romans, and it became part of European lore. The oak’s “power” was eventually transferred to all wood.

  NAILING A HORSESHOE OVER A DOOR

  This “good luck charm” is a combination of two superstitions:

  1. In early times, horses were considered magical. Because they can find their way in the dark, for example, people believed they could foresee danger or could guide souls through the underworld so anything connected with a horse was lucky.

  2. Horseshoes are made of iron, which was considered protective.

  J. Edgar Hoover liked to fire FBI agents who “looked like truck drivers” or had “pointy heads.”

  The Norse god of battle wore iron gloves and carried an iron hammer. Romans nailed pieces of iron over their doors, believing it could ward off evil spirits.

  In the 10th century, Christians added their own twist to the superstition—the tale of a blacksmith named Dunstan, who later became Archbishop of Canterbury. Dunstan had an unusual customer one day, a man with cloven feet who requested iron shoes. Dunstan pretended not to recognize him and agreed to make the shoes. But he knew who the fellow was—he shackled the Devil to the wall, treating him so brutally that Satan cried for mercy. Dunstan released him only after extracting a promise to never enter a dwelling with a horseshoe on the door.

  OPENING AN UMBRELLA INDOORS

  One of the few superstitions that isn’t ancient or irrelevant. In the 18th century, spring-loaded, metal-spoked umbrellas were new and unpredictable. Opening one indoors was courting disaster—it could fly out of control and damage property…or people. It was a practical impulse to regard it as bad luck.

  PULLING ON A WISHBONE

  Over 2,000 years ago, the Etruscans (an early Italian civilization) believed that chickens—which squawk before they lay their eggs—could tell the future. The powers extended to part of the chicken’s skeleton, too, so when a sacred hen died, the Etruscans put its collarbone in the sun until it dried out. Then people would pick it up, rub it, and make a wish. It became known as the “wishbone.” Why this particular bone? Apparently because the V-shape looks a little like a human crotch.


  Later, as more people wanted to get in on the wishing, the rubbing turned into a symbolic tug-of-war. Not everyone was going to get their wish; it became a contest to see whom the gods favored.

  THE STORK BRINGING BABIES

  In Scandinavia, storks—gentle birds with strong family ties—habitually nested on top of people’s chimneys. So when Scandinavian parents needed to explain to youngsters how babies arrived, the stork was a handy answer. This traditional tale was spread in the 1800s by Hans Christian Andersen, in his fairy tales.

  Teddy Roosevelt had 24 pets in the White House, including 4 guinea pigs, 2 cats and 1 bear.

  OOPS!

  Everyone’s amused by tales of outrageous blunders—probably because it’s comforting to know that someone’s screwing up even worse than we are. So go ahead and feel superior for a few minutes.

  HOT CLUE

  PHILADELPHIA—“A former Philadelphia fireman, in Federal Court here trying to overturn his dismissal for long hair, set his head on fire.

  “William Michini apparently tried to dramatize that his locks were not a safety threat to his job. ‘Hair is self-extinguishing. It doesn’t burn,’ he boasted. With that he struck a match and held it to his head, which caught fire. ‘It must have been the hairspray I used,’ said the sheepish firefighter.”

  —Remarkabilia, by John Train

  …AND HOW’S YOUR WIFE, CARLY?

  “Kathie Lee Gifford inadvertently stumbled into talk-show hell on a recent ‘Live with Regis and Kathie Lee.’

  “Singer-songwriter James Taylor was one of the guests, and the perky one, just making conversation, asked how his older brother, Alex, was doing. Sweet Baby James replied: ‘I wish I could say he was doing well….Alex died about four years ago.’

  “The Washington Post noted: ‘Mortification hung in the air for a few long moments.’ Blues singer Alex Taylor died of a heart attack in 1993, at age 46.”

  —The Portland Oregonian, May 1, 1997

  WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

  “The Aldo Oliveri Stadium was meant to be the perfect memorial for one of Italy’s greatest sports heroes: a stadium in Verona, dedicated to the memory of the goalie who led Italy to victory in the 1938 World Cup. Everything went smoothly right up to the weekend before it was due to open, when a small problem was discovered. Aldo Oliveri wasn’t dead; he was alive, 86, and by all accounts, in the best of health. Plans are now afoot to open the stadium late, under a different name.”

  —The Fortean Times, 1997

  The Apaches referred to horses as “God dogs.”

  …AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

  “In 1964 Gary Grannai escorted Tricia Nixon to the International Debutante Ball in New York City. Seven years later President Nixon was justifying his prosecution of the Vietnam War, despite the family’s loss of a friend: ‘Gary was a second lieutenant. He was on patrol duty when it happened. You feel the personal tragedy when it comes into your own home. Yet there is no alternative to the war’s going on.’ Publication of these remarks was followed by the [embarrassing] reappearance of Gary Grannai, who was very much alive and happily married.”

  —Oops, by Richard Smith and Edward Recter

  WELL, IN FRANCE KIDS LIKE IT

  “French broadcasting system Canal France International blamed a ‘technical glitch’ that sent an X-rated film instead of children’s programming to Arab countries last Saturday. ‘We deeply regret this unacceptable incident, and we share in the high feelings prompted in Saudi Arabia and more widely in the Arab world,’ a foreign ministry spokesman said. An investigation is under way.”

  —USA Today, July 23, 1997

  SURE IT WAS A MISTAKE

  TORONTO—“Proofreaders at Canada’s postal service let a royal error slip through in the production of a souvenir stamp book—a reference to ‘the Prince of Whales.’

  “Much to Canada Post’s chagrin, the book was printed with a passage describing a visit by the ‘Prince of Whales’ to the snowy shores in 1860. He eventually became King Edward VII.

  “It was human error and there was no intended slight to the Royal Family or to Prince Charles, said a spokesman. He also said Canada Post will not pull the book from shelves.”

  —Reuters News Service, 1997

  ALPHABET SOUP

  In the 1980s, the Pfeiffer Brewing Company decided to use its successful print ad campaign on the radio. They realized it was a mistake when they heard the announcer say their written slogan aloud: “Pfeiffer’s…the beer with the silent P.”

  On the day that The Wizard of Oz’s Judy Garland died, a tornado touched down in Kansas.

  HOW THE SPIDER WAS CREATED

  Here’s the ancient Greek story of the creation of the spider—and the reason we call spiders “arachnids.” From Myths and Legends of the Ages.

  There was a maiden named Arachne who was so skillful at weaving and embroidery that people would come from far and near to marvel at her work. Not only was the work itself beautiful, but Arachne’s movements as she wove were so graceful and lovely that people would say, “Minerva herself must have taught you!”

  But Arachne had become so vain about her skill that she couldn’t bear to hear even the goddess Minerva praised.

  “Is that so,” scoffed Arachne. “Let Minerva try her skill with me. If I don’t surpass her, I will pay the penalty!”

  Minerva, hearing this, was angry. But she was also merciful. She disguised herself as an old woman and came to Arachne. “I am an old woman,” she said, “and I have learned much in my long lifetime. Challenge your fellow mortals, if you want, but don’t challenge a goddess. If I were you, I would beg Minerva’s forgiveness and hope she’ll pardon you.”

  But Arachne laughed scornfully. “I am not afraid,” she said. “I meant what I said. Let Minerva come down and compete with me…if she dares!”

  “She comes!” answered Minerva. And dropping her disguise, she stepped forward.

  Arachne paled, but only for a moment. “Let us begin,” she said. So the contest began. Minerva wove scenes showing the immense power of the gods. The beauty of her work was so great that the watchers were breathless with admiration.

  Then Arachne began to weave. She purposely chose to weave pictures showing the weakness and errors of the gods. Her pictures were so lifelike they almost seemed to move. She wove so marvelously that even Minerva admired her art. But furious at Arachne’s insults, Minerva struck her shuttle and it fell apart. Then she touched Arachne’s forehead and made her feel guilt and shame.

  The last United States train robbery took place in 1933.

  Arachne, in remorse, rushed away and hung herself. Then Minerva took some pity on her and said, “Live, guilty woman. But from now on, you and your children shall continue to hang.”

  As she spoke, Arachne’s form shriveled up, while her arms and legs grew thinner, until finally she was changed into a spider. Her descendants can be seen to this day, hanging from the thread which they weave into webs.

  ****

  TARANTULA ATTACK!

  The poor tarantula is misunderstood—some people still believe its bite is fatal. (In Dr. No—the first James Bond film—for example, villains try to kill 007 by putting a tarantula on his pillow.)

  • Actually, some species are not poisonous at all. And those that are have a bite generally no more harmful than a bee sting. Unlike bees, however, tarantulas give warnings before they attack—they rear up and bare their fangs. If that doesn’t work, they sting.

  • John Browning writes in Tarantulas, a pet guide for tarantula owners, “Tarantulas have never been known to kill a human being with their venom.” However, he suggests caution: just as some people are allergic to bee stings, some can have severe allergic reactions to tarantula bites.

  • Of more concern than a bite: Some species have poisonous hairs that can temporarily blind their enemies—including humans. If a tarantula feels threatened, it will rub its abdomen with its hind legs until some strands of hair fall off, then throw
the strands at its enemy. (A tarantula with a large bald spot on its abdomen is either old, or under a lot of stress!)

  President William McKinley’s parrot was named “Washington Post.”

  WHY ASK WHY?

  Sometimes, answers are irrelevant—it’s the question that counts. These cosmic queries are from the Internet.

  Why is abbreviation such a long word?

  Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

  Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

  Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?

  Why do we drive on parkways, and park on driveways?

  If you’re driving in a vehicle at the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

  Why don’t you ever hear about gruntled employees?

  What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?

  Why do they call it necking?

  Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

  If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

  Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

  If he’s arrested, does a mime need to be told he has a right to remain silent?

  Why do they call it a TV “set” when you only get one?

  What was the best thing before sliced bread?

  If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

  If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?

  If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

  What’s another word for synonym?

  What is the speed of dark?

  Poll results: 74% of Americans say they make their beds every day; 5% say they never do.

  FAMILIAR PHRASES

  Where do these familiar terms and phrases come from? Etymologists have researched them and come up with these explanations.