Uncle John’s Giant 10th Anniversary Bathroom Reader Read online

  Uncle John’s

  GIANT

  10th ANNIVERSARY

  BATHROOM

  READER

  The Bathroom Readers’

  Institute

  Bathroom Readers’ Press

  Ashland, Oregon

  UNCLE JOHN’S

  GIANT 10th ANNIVERSARY

  BATHROOM READER

  Copyright © 1997 by The Bathroom Readers’ Press (a division of Portable Press). All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

  “Bathroom Reader” and “Bathroom Readers’ Institute” are registered trademarks of Baker & Taylor, Inc. All rights reserved.

  For information, write The Bathroom Readers’ Institute,

  P.O. Box 1117, Ashland, OR 97520

  www.bathroomreader.com

  Cover design by Michael Brunsfeld

  BRI Technician on back cover: Larry Kelp

  Uncle John’s Giant 10th Anniversary Bathroom Reader

  by The Bathroom Readers’ Institute

  eISBN: 978-1-60710-669-2

  E-Book Edition: November 2012

  “One Tough Lama,” reprinted with permission from CyberSangha: The Buddhist Alternative Journal, copyright © 1996.

  “Sex in Aladdin: Anatomy of a Rumor,” copyright © 1995; “Is Your Name Your Destiny?,” copyright © 1997, and “The First Computer Programmers,” copyright © 1996, reprinted by permission of the Wall Street Journal, Dow Jones and Co., Inc. All rights reserved worldwide.

  “A Clean Fight: Bath vs Shower,” by Jay Stuller, reprinted with permission from HEALTH (formerly IN HEALTH), copyright © 1990.

  “What a Trip! The CIA & LSD,” “Silkwood,” and “Castro vs. the CIA,” originally appeared in It’s a Conspiracy! by The National Insecurity Council. Text copyright © 1992, by Michael Litchfield. Published by EarthWorks Press. Reprinted by permission of EarthWorks Press.

  Selections from Primetime Proverbs, copyright © 1989, by Jack Mingo and John Javna, reprinted by permission of the authors.

  “The Insane Experiment,” by David Perlman, copyright © 1973, San Francisco Chronicle, reprinted with permission.

  “Elvis Sings Opera,” and “So You Want to be a Rock and Roll Star?” from Behind the Hits, copyright © 1985, by Bob Shannon and John Javna, reprinted by permission of the authors.

  “The Great Regurgitator” and “The Proverbial Truth” extracts from THE BOOK OF LISTS, copyright © 1980, by David Wallechinsky, Irving Wallace, Sylvia Wallace, and Amy Wallace and DAVID WALLECHINSKY’S TWENTIETH CENTURY copyright © 1995 by David Wallechinsky, reprinted with kind permission from the authors.

  “Who Painted the Elevator?,” from Opus Maledictorum: A Book of Bad Words copyright © 1966 by Reinhold Aman, reprinted by permission of the publisher, Marlowe & Co.

  “Countdown to 2000,” “Exploitation 2000,” from The Bathroom Readers’ Guide to the Year 2000, copyright © 1996, by Eric Lefcowitz, reprinted by permission of EarthWorks Press.

  Excerpts used in “Japan’s Space-Age Toilets,” from But Do They Flush?, by Mary Jordan and Kevin Sullivan (Washington Post Foreign Service), copyright © 1997, The Washington Post, reprinted with permission.

  “Alias ‘Alan’ Smithee,” from Allen Smithee, copyright © 1996, The Economist Newspaper Group, Inc., reprinted with permission. Further reproduction prohibited.

  “Encyclopedia Bathroomica,” originally appeared as “Encyclopedia Tropicana: A Reference Book to the Modern World,” by Joel Achenbach, copyright © 1986. Reprinted with permission of The Miami Herald.

  “Techno-Slang,” from Jargon Watch by Gareth Branwyn, copyright © 1996. All rights reserved. Reprinted by permission of Gareth Branwyn and Wired Books, Inc.

  “Looking Forward, Looking Back,” was originally the Palo Alto High School Baccalaureate Speech given June 11, 1995 by Guy Kawasaki, copyright © 1995 Guy Kawasaki. Used by his kind permission.

  “Radio Waves” from Reading the Numbers, A Survival Guide to the Measurements, Numbers, and Sizes Encountered in Everyday Life, copyright © 1989, Beaver Island Books. Permission to reprint by Mary Blocksma.

  Calling all Bathroom Readers!

  Visit our new website at

  www.unclejohn.com or

  www.bathroomreader.com

  • Submit articles!• Enter contests!

  • Suggest topics for future editions!

  THANK YOU!

  The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely thanks the people whose advice and assistance made this book possible.

  John Javna

  John Dollison

  Gordon Javna

  Jack Mingo

  Lenna Lebovich

  Tim Harrower

  Erik Linden

  Sage

  Jennifer Massey

  David Sugar (Prof. Pear)

  Erin Keenan

  Casey Bourgeois

  Melissa Schwarz

  Sharilyn Hovind

  Andy Sohn

  Michael Brunsfeld

  Sherry Powell

  Chris Rose-Merkle

  Béla Keenan

  David Wallechinsky

  Scott Dalgarno

  Stephanie Keenan

  Askjanis Editorial

  Julie Roeming

  Lonnie Kirk

  Paul Stanley

  Bennie Slomski

  Jeff Altemus

  Valerie Hendel

  Jeff Painter

  Paul Protter

  Shelley Brigman

  Mary Kaufman

  Andrea Freewater

  Abby Granach

  Richard Moeschl

  Jenny McCracken

  Bill Eriksen

  Peter McCracken

  Thomas Crapper

  Jesse & Sophie, B.R.I.T.

  Steve Brummett

  Sam and Sarah

  Hi to Emily and Molly!

  “The trouble with facts is that there are so many of them”

  —Samuel McChord Crothers, The Gentle Reader

  Hiya Gideon! Hiya Sam!

  CONTENTS

  NOTE

  Because the B.R.I. understands your reading needs, we’ve divided the contents by length as well as subject.

  Short—a quick read

  Medium—1 to 3 pages

  Long—for those extended visits, when something a little more involved is required.

  *Extended—for a leg-numbing experience.

  BATHROOM NEWS

  Short

  Bathroom Beginnings

  Medium

  A Clean Fight: Bath vs Shower

  Who Painted the Elevator?

  Long

  Japan’s Space-Age Toilets

  THE REEL STUFF

  Short

  First Films

  Movie Bloopers

  Reel Quotes

  Reel Quotes

  Hard-Boiled

  Damn You, Stink Man!

  Wretched Reviews

  Medium

  Video Treasures

  Long

  Little Shop of Horrors

  *King Kong

  WORDPLAY

  Short

  Flubbed Headlines

  Why Ask Why?

  Why Ask Why?

  The Personals

  Har-Har! Rah-Rah!

  Techno-slang

  Alpo & Green Slime

  Yiddish-American Slang

  Parlez-Vous Pentagonese?

  Modern-Day Latin

  SUPERSTITION & TRADITIONS

  Short

 
; Celebrity Superstitions

  Medium

  Why a Rabbit’s Foot?

  Love Potion #9

  Old Wives’ Tales

  Curses!

  Curses!

  Baseball Curses

  Superstitions

  Long

  The Curse of the Hope Diamond

  POP SCIENCE

  Short

  Q&A: Ask the Experts

  Q&A: Ask the Experts

  Here Comes the Sun

  Mr. Moonlight

  The Proverbial Truth

  Medium

  Life’s an Itch

  Fart Facts

  Oh, What a Tangled Web

  How a Microwave Works

  The Insane Experiment

  The Big Dipper

  The Discovery of the Planets

  Great Moments in Telephone History

  Long

  Radio Waves

  * Encyclopedia Bathroomica

  MYTH-INFORMED

  Short

  Myth-Conceptions

  Myth-Spoken

  Medium

  Classic Rumors

  Based on a True Story

  Queen of the Nile

  Olympic Myths

  Long

  *Urban Legends

  * Anatomy of a Rumor

  POLITICS

  Short

  Your Government at Work

  Medium

  Democracy in Action

  Presidential Influence

  Other Presidential Firsts

  Long

  Celebrity Also-Rans

  THE NAME GAME

  Short

  Brand Names

  Brand Names

  Founding Fathers

  For Your Reading Pleasure

  Medium

  Word Geography

  Word Geography

  Alias “Alan Smithee”

  Long

  Is Your Name Your Destiny?

  MOUTHING OFF

  Short

  Alienisms

  Barryisms

  Uncle Albert Says

  The First Lady

  Roseanne Sez

  What’s a Rudner?

  Seinfeldology

  Give ’em Hell, Harry

  Mark Twain Says

  Wilde About Oscar

  Wright On

  Canine Quotes

  The Best Things Ever Said?

  Let’s Rock!

  You Should Never

  Politalks

  THAT’S DEATH!

  Short

  Near-Death Experiences

  Medium

  They Went That-a-Way

  They Went That-a-Way

  After the Funeral

  FOOD FOR THOUGHT

  Short

  McRevenge!

  A Yen for Egg Rolls

  The Fortune Cookie

  What’s for Breakfast?

  Medium

  The Tomato

  Freeze-dried Cats and Cottage Cheese

  Long

  Let There Be Lite

  Let There Be Lite, Part II

  TV’s TOP 10

  Short

  1949-1954

  1955-1960

  1961-1966

  1967-1972

  1973-1978

  1979-1984

  1985-1990

  1991-1997

  As Seen on TV!

  Legendary TV Flops

  AMERICANA

  Short

  Building a Better Squirt Gun

  Weird Celebrations

  Medium

  The Birth of the Microwave

  The Writing on the Wall

  More Writing on the Wall

  Launching Air Jordan

  Lemons

  Notable Books

  Long

  The History of the Yo-Yo

  THE TONIGHT SHOW

  Medium

  The Birth of “The Tonight Show,” Part I

  The Birth of “The Tonight Show,” Part II

  “The Tonight Show,” Part III

  “The Tonight Show,” Part IV

  “The Tonight Show,” Part V

  “The Tonight Show,” Part VI

  “The Tonight Show,” Part VII

  “The Tonight Show,” Part VIII

  MODERN MYTHOLOGY

  Short

  Modern Mythology

  Medium

  Bond…James Bond, Part I

  It’s a Miracle!

  Long

  Bond on Film

  Bond(s)…James Bonds, Part II

  The Resurrection of Elvis, Part I

  The Resurrection of Elvis, Part II

  ANCIENT MYTHOLOGY

  Short

  The Sword of Damocles

  Medium

  The Foolish Hunter

  How the Spider Was Created

  PRIMETIME PROVERBS

  Short

  Primetime Proverbs

  Primetime Proverbs

  Primetime Proverbs

  FAMILIAR PHRASES

  Short

  Familiar Phrases

  Familiar Phrases

  Familiar Phrases

  Medium

  Familiar Phrases

  LAW & ORDER

  Short

  Dumb Crooks

  Court Transquips

  Court Transquips

  Looney Laws

  Medium

  Strange Lawsuits

  More Strange Lawsuits

  Celebrity Lawsuits

  It’s the Law…Or Is It?

  FRAUDS & HOAXES

  Medium

  Read All About It!

  Read All About It!

  You Call That Art?

  You Call That Art? II

  Television Hoaxes

  Famous Publishing Hoaxes

  Long

  *The Newspaper Hoax That Shook the World

  CONSPIRACY

  Medium

  The Acme Anti-Castro Spy Kit

  Long

  What Happened at Roswell?, Part I

  What Happened at Roswell?, Part II

  What a Trip! The CIA & LSD

  *Silkwood

  POP-POURRI

  Short

  Little Things Mean a Lot

  Spaced-Out Sports

  The Truth About Love

  Medium

  One Tough Lama

  For Cynics Only

  Broadway Obsession

  The Great Regurgitator

  Groucho Marx, Attorney at Law, Part 1

  Groucho Marx, Attorney at Law, Part II

  Groucho Marx, Attorney at Law, Part III

  There’s Egg on Your Face!

  Now Hear This!

  What’s a Blue Moon?

  Long

  Anatomy of Laughter

  The Eiffel Tower, Part I

  The Eiffel Tower, Part II

  The Leaningest Tower on Earth

  The Disappearance of the Mary Celeste

  *Looking Forward, Looking Back

  KIDS’ CLASSICS

  Medium

  Go Ask Alice

  The World According to Alice

  The Secret of Nancy Drew

  THE YEAR 2000

  Short

  Countdown to 2000

  Exploitation 2000

  PUBLIC LIVES

  Short

  Celebrity Gossip

  Medium

  Famous for Being Naked

  The Naked Truth

  The First Centerfold

  Public Proposals

  Animals Famous for 15 Minutes

  Anonymous Stars

  Unlucky Stars

  Long

  Famous for 15 Minutes

  Famous for 15 Minutes

  LIFE IS STRANGE

  Short

  Oops!

  Oops!

  Informal Writing

  Medium

  The Spider Dance

  The Secret of

  Missed It By That Much

  Oops—False Alarm!

 
In Dreams

  Politically Correct Quiz

  Lucky Finds

  Lucky Finds

  FORGOTTEN HISTORY

  Short

  Forgotten History

  Forgotten Pop History

  Forgotten Pop History

  Medium

  Dustbin of History

  Mothers of Invention

  The First Computer Programmers

  Long

  The Fight for Safe Milk, part I

  The Fight for Safe Milk, part II

  MUSIC

  Short

  Oh, Frankie!

  Medium

  So You Wanna be a Rock-’n-Roll Star?

  The History Of Rock: A Quiz

  The History of Rock: A Quiz

  Elvis Sings Opera

  Long

  History of the Electric Guitar

  QUIZ ANSWERS

  Politically Correct Quiz

  Rock Quiz, I

  Rock Quiz, II

  Legal Quiz

  INTRODUCTION

  Today, on the way to work, Uncle John stopped at a coffee stand to brace for the final push to get this book to the printer. He noticed some “French Vanilla” Coffee Mate on a table, and mused that it might make a good article. “Oh, you write?” said the kid making the coffee. “Whaddya write?”

  “Books. Something called the Bathroom Reader.”

  “You’re kidding! I grew up with them! My grandma has the whole collection!”

  That’s when Uncle John realized how long he’s been doing this. We at the Bathroom Readers’ Institute are actually writing for a second generation of bathroom readers! “I can’t believe that this series is older than my kids,” Uncle John says.

  Suddenly it’s been 10 years and 1.5 million books since the first Bathroom Reader. People know who we are. We’ve even spawned imitators—there’s a burgeoning Bathroom Books segment of the publishing industry. We know we’re extremely lucky to have such loyal readers.

  We’ve also been lucky, over the years, to have worked with some wonderful people: John D., Lenna L., Michael B., Sharilyn H., Paul Stanley and Julie Roeming at Banta, Andy S., Eric L., and a whole bunch more. By the way—that’s Larry Kelp of the BRI on the back cover, not Uncle John.

  This edition of the Bathroom Reader is a little different from the others (but not by too much). The biggest difference is the special “Extended Sitting” Section at the end. Over the years, the most persistent request from readers has been for us to add some longer pieces, for times when it’s necessary to sit in one place for a while. But we’ve never wanted to limit the rest of the material to do it. This year, we’ve made the book longer than usual—and now there’s room for everything.

  This was also the first book we’ve done in the sleepy little town of Ashland, Oregon, the Institute’s new home. We have a whole new staff at the BRI helping to put it together, and you can see for yourself how well they’ve done. We’re proud of them…and amazed that they’ve come up with even more material to fit the needs of bathroom readers everywhere. We’re already hard at work on the next volume!