Uncle John’s Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader Read online

  •Laura does a bit of everything, from answering the mail, to revamping our store, to writing about Jackie Chan’s most brutal injuries. Thanks to John G. for his typesetting prowess and creative eye (and to Jeff for helping during crunch time!). And thanks to Rain for filling all of our customer orders with a smile.

  •Sam came to Ashland, said “Whassup?” wrote some articles (“Upstanding Citizens,” for instance), then said “Later,” and flew back to New York City. Who was that masked man?

  •Special props: to Michael B., the world’s best (and most patient) cover designer; to Angie, who provided hundreds of great running feet (including Uncle John’s new favorite: “This page is about 500,000 atoms thick”); to the Godfather, Allen Orso; to Jenny Baldwin and Paul Stanley, our cohorts at Banta; and to our copyeditor, Sharilyn (Weer verry sad two sea you goe., but dont wurrry—weel bee just find).

  •Holding it all together is our production manager, Julia, whose grace and perseverance make our lives a whole lot easier.

  •Thank you to Mrs. Uncle John from the BRI for sparing your wonderful husband for most of the summer and fall so we could get this book done. You can have him back now. (He may need a nap.)

  •And last, but most, thank you to our dedicated readers. You’re a part of our family, too. See you next year.

  And in the meantime,

  Go with the Flow!

  —Uncle John, the BRI staff, and Porter the Wonder Dog

  YOU’RE MY INSPIRATION

  It’s always interesting to find out where the architects of pop culture get their ideas. These may surprise you.

  SUPER MARIO BROTHERS. Mario, the Italian-American plumber in dozens of Nintendo video games, was modeled after the landlord at Nintendo’s New York offices in the 1970s.

  GOLLUM. Actor Andy Serkis provided the voice and movements for the character in the Lord of the Rings films. He based the voice on the sound of his cat coughing up a hairball. Special effects artists modeled Gollum’s wiry, bony frame on punk rocker Iggy Pop.

  “SMOKE ON THE WATER.” In 1971 the band Deep Purple was about to perform at a casino in Montreux, Switzerland. Just before they went on, a fan fired a flare gun into the crowd (the opening act, Frank Zappa, was performing). The casino burned to the ground, spreading huge plumes of smoke across Lake Geneva. The image stuck with the band and inspired the classic rock song.

  NBA LOGO. The National Basketball Association’s logo is red and blue with the white silhouette of a player dribbling a ball. The model: 1960s Los Angeles Lakers star Jerry West.

  TAXI DRIVER (1976). Paul Schrader created Robert De Niro’s creepy Travis Bickle character after reading the published diaries of Arthur Bremer, the man convicted of trying to assassinate presidential candidate George Wallace in 1972. In turn, John Hinckley, Jr. claims Taxi Driver inspired his attempt to murder President Reagan.

  COLUMBIA PICTURES LOGO. The woman in a toga holding a torch aloft is not based on the Statue of Liberty. The model for the logo—used since 1925—was Evelyn Venable, a bit player at Columbia.

  AMERICAN FLAG BUMPER STICKERS. Peter Fonda got the idea to use American flags to decorate the motorcycle he rode in his 1969 film, Easy Rider, from John Wayne’s flag-emblazoned jacket in Flying Tigers (1942). But when Fonda rode the motorcycle through Los Angeles, police stopped him for desecrating the flag. “By 1970,” says Fonda, “every cop car had a flag on its fender.”

  Princess Diana’s favorite band was Duran Duran.

  COURT TRANSQUIPS

  The verdict is in! These real-life courtroom exchanges make some of the best bathroom reading there is. These were actually said in court, and recorded word for word.

  Q: Do you recall telling the police that you passed out at that time?

  A: I passed out, yes. I passed out. I think I blacked out. I passed out, but I don’t know if I was really out. I just remember blacking out, and I assume I passed out. If I didn’t pass out, maybe just my mind blacked out.

  Judge: Had you been drinking that day? Alcohol, I mean?

  Defendant: Uh-huh.

  Judge: Had you?

  Lawyer: Answer it audibly.

  Judge: Had you been drinking alcohol that day?

  Defendant: Audibly.

  Lawyer: Do you now wear corrective glasses?

  Witness: There are three of you?

  Judge: How do you plead, guilty or not guilty?

  Defendant: I’m guilty as hell.

  Judge: Let the record reflect the defendant is guilty as hell.

  Lawyer: Officer, at this point in your mind, did you consider him to be a suspect in the homicide?

  Officer: No. I really did not have enough intelligence to make that decision.

  Q: I take it you helped milk the cows?

  A: I milked them.

  Q: Did you help with breeding at all?

  A: The bulls did the breeding. I couldn’t do that.

  Lawyer: When you said that, there was some hesitation. Have you heard of others that you haven’t heard about yet?

  Q: So you don’t recall the exact distance?

  A: That he was from me? Or I was from him?

  Lawyer: What about the research?

  Witness: I don’t think there is any research on that. There’s a logical hunch that may be true, but I know of no research study that would support that.

  Lawyer: What about just common sense?

  Witness: Well, I am not here using common sense. I’m here as an expert.

  Lawyer: Now, Doctor, which way would someone fall after receiving a twelve-gauge shotgun blast directly in the chest?

  Witness: Down.

  Eight percent of pet owners dress up their dogs and cats for Halloween.

  NOT EXACTLY SEABISCUIT

  Here’s the story of a pokey little horse who has won the hearts of Japanese racing fans...by losing every race she enters.

  STEED WITHOUT SPEED

  In the summer of 2003, the owners of a struggling track in Kochi, Japan, were looking for a way to keep from going under. Someone noticed that one of the horses competing in an upcoming race, an eight-year-old named Haru-urara (“Glorious spring”), was just a few races away from losing her 100th race in a row—why not try to get some publicity out of it?

  They got a local newspaper to do a story on Haru-urara, and the national press picked it up. Until then she’d been just another unknown loser, but Haru-urara turned out to be just the right horse at just the right time: Japan had been on a losing streak of its own—the economy had been in bad shape for more than a decade and unemployment was high—and the losing horse that kept on trying was an inspiration to Japanese workers worried about their own economic futures. Attendance at the race track soared from an average of 1,600 fans per day to 5,000 on Haru-urara’s 100th race. (She lost.) Thirteen thousand showed up on her 106th. Japan’s top jockey rode her...and she lost again.

  NEVER GIVE UP

  Haru-urara has become the most famous horse in Japan. Fans expect her to lose but bet on her anyway, just to get a ticket with her name on it—it’s considered good luck. So many people place bets on her, in fact, that she’s usually favored to win, even though everyone knows she will lose. Like a pro athlete, she endorses products (she races with a pink Hello Kitty riding mask), appears in beer commercials, has her own line of merchandise, and has been the subject of both a pop song and a major motion picture.

  Best of all, she has been saved from the fate of many losing horses—the slaughterhouse. Her trainer, Dai Muneishi, has arranged for her to retire to a farm on the northern island of Hokkaido. “I don’t really know why she’s so popular,” Muneishi says, “but I guess the biggest reason is that the sight of her running with all her heart gives comfort to people’s hearts.”

  Non-dairy creamer is flammable.

  YOUNGEST & OLDEST

  Some people seem to be able to overcome any obstacle—including age.

  HIT RECORD

  Youngest: In 1992 a 4-year-old named Jordy had a hit in France
with “Dur Dur d’Être Bébé!” (“It’s Not Easy Being a Baby!”)

  Oldest: Louis Armstrong was 62 in 1964 when “Hello, Dolly!” hit #1.

  PRO HOCKEY PLAYER

  Youngest: Bep Guidolin joined the Boston Bruins in 1942 when he was 16.

  Oldest: Gordie Howe played professionally from 1946 to 1980, when he was 52 years old.

  MAYOR

  Youngest: Jeffrey Dunkel won the mayorship of Mount Carbon, Pennsylvania, in 2001 at the age of 18.

  Oldest: Dorothy Geeben was still leading Ocean Breeze Park, Florida, at age 96.

  CONVICTED MURDERER

  Youngest: Thirteen-year-old Nathaniel Abraham was convicted in 2000.

  Oldest: Leonard Nathan Sherman of Daly City, California, was 85 in 1999 when he got life in prison for shooting his sister.

  OSCAR WINNER

  Youngest: Tatum O’Neal won for Paper Moon at the age of 10.

  Oldest: Jessica Tandy won for Driving Miss Daisy at age 80.

  POPE

  Youngest: Benedict IX, elected pope at age 11 in 1032.

  Oldest: Adrian I, elected at age 80 in 772.

  PERSON TO SWIM THE ENGLISH CHANNEL

  Youngest: Thomas Gregory did it in 1988 when he was 11.

  Oldest: Clifford Batt did it in 1987 at 67.

  AUTHOR

  Youngest: Dorothy Straight was 4 years old in 1964 when her book, How the World Began, came out.

  Oldest: Sarah Louise Delany’s book, On My Own at 107, was published in 1997. She was 107.

  SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE HOST

  Youngest: Drew Barrymore hosted in 1982 at age 7.

  Oldest: Miskel Spillman was 80 when she won an “Anyone Can Host” contest in 1977.

  Average life expectancy worldwide: 66 years old.

  OOPS!

  Everyone’s amused by tales of outrageous blunders—probably because it’s comforting to know that someone’s screwing up even worse than we are. So go ahead and feel superior for a few minutes.

  AVANT GARBAGE

  “Damien Hirst, an avant-garde artist, saw his brand-new installation at London’s Eyestorm Gallery go missing briefly. The work is a collection of found objects recovered from an artist’s launch party (cigarette butts, beer bottles, soda cans, candy wrappers, etc.). A cleaning man mistook the ‘exhibit’ for the nightly garbage and tossed it out. Gallery officials recreated it later by referring to a photograph of the trash to get the exact placement of the items.”

  —News of the Weird

  LEAST WANTED

  “Two Mexican criminals, Alfredo Ramirez and Alvaro Valdes, were recently withdrawn from a highly publicized ‘Most Wanted’ list distributed to police stations all over Mexico. The reason: officials discovered that the two men were already in prison. The state prosecutor’s office released a congratulatory statement saying that it ‘recognizes the unmatched cooperation of the citizens and authorities of the country...which allowed us to locate these two dangerous evil-doers, who are already in jail.’”

  —Reuters

  DUMMY

  “When Claudia Sassi, 57, heard a voice from inside her husband’s casket, she collapsed and died. Jacques de Putron, a ventriloquist friend of the husband, told police he thought mourners would find it uplifting to hear ‘Let me out!’ coming from his coffin.”

  —Stuff magazine

  YOU LIGHT UP MY LIFE

  “A lovestruck German man burned down his house after candles he lit for his girlfriend sparked a fire. The unnamed man had laid out hundreds of candles in the shape of a heart carrying the words ‘You set my heart on fire.’ The 18-year-old had hoped the gesture would impress his girlfriend. Instead the heat was so intense it melted the candle wax onto the floor, where it ignited. Ten firefighters fought the blaze for an hour before getting it under control. No one was hurt but emergency services said damage to the property came to about £33,000 ($60,000). The young man told police: ‘My girlfriend didn’t even see the message, all I have left of it is a photograph...and she was not in the mood to look.’”

  —Ananova

  In ancient Greece, sick people slept in medicine temples to dream about how to get better.

  MP3, M16—WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE?

  “A Canadian student who ordered an MP3 player over the Internet from the U.S. was shocked to receive a licensed handgun instead. Brandon Buchan, 21, an English student at the University of Saskatchewan in Saskatoon, bid for the MP3 player on eBay, the Star Phoenix newspaper said. The pawnshop that auctioned the device sent him an unloaded .22-caliber Smith & Wesson gun and a license by mistake. ‘I was mostly confused about it all. I’m not a hit man,’ Buchan insisted. ‘I figured it must just be a mistake.’ The student called the police, who removed the weapon. He also e-mailed the shop, who are arranging for his MP3 player to be sent to him. Mr. Buchan says he is keeping a photocopy of the gun license as a souvenir.”

  —BBC News

  SORRY, WRONG CAR

  “A German woman became so furious after a telephone quarrel with her husband that she stormed out of the house armed with a hammer and smashed up his car—before realizing that the car didn’t belong to her husband. The 43-year-old from Essen told police she shattered the windshield, broke the headlights, and wrenched off the wing mirrors, causing more than $1,200 in damage. After going back indoors she realized she had attacked her neighbor’s blue Opel Corsa and not the blue Ford Fiesta belonging to her spouse.”

  —Reuters

  Huh? “If crime went down 100%, it would still be fifty times higher than it should be.”

  —Washington, D.C., Councilman John Bowman

  What crime led to Billy the Kid’s first run-in with the law? Stealing butter.

  WOULD YOU RATHER LIVE IN...

  Check out these real town names.

  Sun, Mississippi, or Moon, Mississippi?

  Black, Alabama, or White, Arkansas?

  Paradise, California, or Hell, Michigan?

  Rock, Kansas, or Roll, Oklahoma?

  Devil Town, Ohio, or Angel, Ohio?

  Papa, Hawaii, or Mummie, Kentucky?

  Cat Creek, Montana, or Dog Creek, Oklahoma?

  Smart, Virginia, or Dumbell, Wyoming?

  Hungry Horse, Montana, or Fuller, Montana?

  Sound Beach, New York, or Silent Grove, Arkansas?

  Democrat, Arkansas, or Republican, North Carolina?

  Start, Louisiana, or Stop, Georgia?

  War, West Virginia, or Peace, Alabama?

  Straight, Oklahoma, or Gay, Oklahoma?

  Duet, Virginia, or Solo, Tennessee?

  Liberty, Kentucky, or Justice, Kentucky?

  Can Do, North Dakota, or Defeated, Tennessee?

  Chance, Montana, or Fate, Texas?

  Boring, Oregon, or Rapture, Indiana?

  Rich, Tennessee, or Poor, Tennessee?

  Hate Cove, Massachusetts, or Love Cove, Maine?

  Darkesville, West Virginia, or Lightville, Ohio?

  Push, Arkansas, or Pull Tight, Alabama?

  Life, Tennessee, or Death Valley, California?

  What does the word “pizza” mean in Italian? Pie.

  FAMILIAR PHRASES

  Where do these familiar terms and phrases come from? The BRI has researched them and come up with some interesting answers.

  GIVE A DAMN

  Meaning: To assign little or no significance to something

  Origin: “Originally ‘I don’t give a dam,’ probably brought back to England from India by military men in the mid-18th century. A dam was an Indian coin of little value.” (From Encyclopedia of Word and Phrase Origins, by Robert Hendrickson)

  LICK INTO SHAPE

  Meaning: Make ready or presentable

  Origin: “Bears are central figures in numerous superstitions. According to one belief, a cub is absolutely shapeless at birth. The mother and father bear were thought to lick their newborn into shape with their tongues. Persistence of the legend is due in part to the fact that few persons saw newborn cubs and lived to descr
ibe them.” (From Why You Say It, by Webb Garrison)

  AT FIRST BLUSH

  Meaning: Without prior knowledge; at first glance

  Origin: “The earliest use of this expression dates from the 16th century, when ‘blush’ meant not a reddening of the cheeks with embarrassment, but ‘glimpse’.” (From Have a Nice Day: No Problem: A Dictionary of Clichés, by Christine Ammer)

  CAKEWALK

  Meaning: Effortless; something easily accomplished

  Origin: “From a contest popular in the African-American community in the 19th century. Couples competed strolling arm in arm, with the prize—a cake—being awarded to the most graceful and stylish team. Cakewalking demanded both skill and grace, so victory was rarely a ‘cakewalk’ in our modern sense. That use came from the boxing ring, where an easy victory over an outclassed opponent was a ‘cakewalk’ compared to the ordinarily brutal and prolonged nature of the matches.” (From The Word Detective, by Evan Morris)

  Dumb joke: What does an educated owl say? Answer: “Whom.”

  I HATE CLEANING!

  Even professional house cleaners draw the line at doing windows, and nobody enjoys cleaning the toilet. Now you don’t have to.

  PRODUCT: “Cleartect” self-cleaning glass

  BACKGROUND: Japan’s Nippon Sheet Glass Company began test-marketing the glass for large office buildings and airports, but they were soon overrun with requests from individual customers, so now it’s made for homes, too.

  HOW IT WORKS: The glass is coated with titanium dioxide, which is photocatalytic, meaning that it has a chemical reaction to light. When sunlight hits the glass, that reaction breaks down organic material on the window into smaller and smaller particles. The coating is also hydrophilic, meaning that rainwater won’t form droplets on the glass—it forms an even sheet that flows down the window, taking dirt away with it. (If it doesn’t rain often enough, you have to hose down the window.)