Uncle John’s Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader Read online

  Uncle John’s

  SLIGHTLY

  IRREGULAR

  BATHROOM

  READER

  By the

  Bathroom Readers’

  Institute

  Bathroom Readers’ Press

  Ashland, Oregon

  OUR “REGULAR” READERS RAVE!

  “This is one of the best books I’ve ever read. What are the other best books I’ve read? Why, the other Uncle John’s Bathroom Readers, of course! Thanks—you make doing #2 my #1 priority!”

  —Robert D.

  “I found nirvana when I found your books. Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

  —Donna K.

  “This is just a note to thank you for the valuable knowledge that you have dumped on me. You have given me great pleasure and kept me quite regular. My wife also thanks you, for since our introduction to the world of the Bathroom Reader, I had to build her a second bathroom. Humble thanks and keep up the good work.”

  —James M.

  “I started reading your books after a colleague, ordinarily not much of a conversationalist, started to get smarter and smarter by the day. We couldn’t figure out what was going on until we caught him reading one of your books. I bought my first one that night.”

  —Ernie P.

  “You guys are the best. My girlfriend thinks I spend too much time in the can, but I just tell her that I am improving my cognitive thinking and am full of information, not what I’m usually full of.”

  —Marty M.

  “I’m a huge fan of Bathroom Readers, but they are too good. Everytime someone sees me with one of your books, they ask to see it, read it, then borrow it. The bad part is I never get them back. Keep on flushin’!”

  —Ted C.

  “I just purchased my 16th Bathroom Reader and will not stop until I own every one. You have given me many days and nights of enjoyable reading. I look forward to future editions. Keep up the good work!”

  —Karyn L.

  UNCLE JOHN’S SLIGHTLY IRREGULAR BATHROOM READER®

  Copyright © 2004 by the Bathroom Readers’ Press (a division of Portable Press). All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

  “Bathroom Reader” and “Bathroom Readers’ Institute”are registered trademarks of Baker & Taylor.

  All rights reserved.

  For information, write

  The Bathroom Readers’ Institute,

  P.O. Box 1117, Ashland, OR 97520

  www.bathroomreader.com

  888-488-4642

  Cover design by Michael Brunsfeld,

  San Rafael, CA ([email protected])

  BRI “technician” on back cover: Larry Kelp

  Uncle John’s Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader®

  by The Bathroom Readers’ Institute

  ISBN-13: 978-1-60710-613-5

  E-book edition: April 2012

  Created in the United States of America

  “Seattle Windshield Pitting Epidemic” by Alan J. Stein for History Link.

  Copyright © 2003. Reprinted by permission of History Link.

  Hiya Sophie! Hiya Jessie!

  THANK YOU!

  The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely thanks the people whose advice and assistance made this book possible.

  Gordon Javna

  John Dollison

  Thom Little

  Jay Newman

  Julia Papps

  Brian Boone

  John Gaffey

  Laura BlackFeather

  Jeff Altemus

  Sharilyn Hovind

  Michael Brunsfeld

  Bryan Henry

  Angela Kern

  Lori Larson

  Sam Javna

  Sydney Stanley

  Gideon Javna

  Jim McCluskey

  Janet Spencer

  Paul Stanley

  Jenny Baldwin

  Nancy Toeppler

  Raingirl Thering

  Joe Diehl

  JoAnn Padgett

  Amy Briggs

  Allen Orso

  Lyne Brennanski

  Jolly Jeff Cheek

  Scarab Media

  Stephanie Spadaccini

  Jef Fretwell

  Maggie Javna

  Andy Peterson

  John Staedler

  Larry Bograd

  (Mr.) Mustard Press

  Steven Style Group

  Mana Manzavi

  Matt Rosenberg

  Jim Koweek

  Barb Porshe

  Paula Leith

  Chris Olsen

  Rich Skrenta

  Porter the Wonder Dog

  John Javna

  Thomas Crapper

  ...AND BEST FLUSHES

  to the millions of bathroom readers out there.

  “Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you’re finished.” —Leslie Nielsen

  CONTENTS

  Because the BRI understands your reading needs, we’ve divided the contents by length as well as subject.

  Short—a quick read

  Medium—2 to 3 pages

  Long—for those extended visits, when something a little more involved is required

  * Extended—for those leg-numbing experiences

  PUBLIC LIVES

  Short

  Youngest & Oldest

  Famous People’s Pets

  Found and Lost

  Youngest & Oldest

  Medium

  Nudes & Prudes

  When Celebrities Attack

  Nudes & Prudes

  Famous for 15 Minutes

  Long

  The Man Inside The Terminal

  BATHROOM NEWS

  Short

  That ’70s Bathroom

  Close the Lid

  Bathroom Stats

  Medium

  Uncle John’s Stall of Fame

  I Heard It in the Bathroom

  Bathroom News

  Bathroom Time Killers

  Uncle John’s Stall of Fame

  Your #1 News Source

  FADS & FLOPS

  Medium

  (B)ad Campaigns

  Close, But No Cigar

  Segue into Segway

  Used-Less Inventions

  Long

  Billion-Dollar Babies

  World’s First Muscle Car

  BLUNDERFUL LIFE

  Short

  Jail Food Follies

  Medium

  Oops!

  The Digital Age

  Uncle John’s “Creative Teaching” Awards

  Oops!

  More “Creative Teaching” Awards

  It’s the Wrong Song

  Oops!

  WATCH THIS!

  Short

  Mmmm...Trivia

  Reel Wise

  Medium

  Box-Office Bloopers

  The Lost Star Wars

  The Lyin’ King

  Video Treasures

  McLeaned

  Taxi Driver, Starring Neil Diamond

  They Felt the Passion

  Hunting for DVD Easter Eggs

  (Not) Coming to a Theater Near You

  Long

  The Cost War (Movies)

  POP SCIENCE

  Short

  Spider? Man?

  Wearable Electronics

  Animal Life Spans

  Tree-mendous

  Rocks on the Go

  Weights and Measures

  Wooden You Know

  Medium

 
; I Hate Cleaning!

  Upstanding Citizens

  Q&A: Body of Knowledge

  Comic Book Science

  Color-Blind

  Q&A: Ask the Experts

  How Not to Get Struck By Lightning

  Long

  Lucky Strikes

  SPORTS & AMUSEMENTS

  Short

  Not Exactly Seabiscuit

  Basketball 101

  Medium

  Foul Balls

  Goooooooal!

  Grandma Celia, Card Shark

  Long

  The Birth of the Major Leagues

  * Jack Johnson vs. The Great White Hope

  MUSIC

  Short

  The Who?

  “I Want a Beer As Cold As My Ex-Wife’s Heart”

  Medium

  Behind the Hits

  Long

  By the Time We Got to Woodstock, Pt. I

  * By the Time We Got to Woodstock, Pt. II

  INTERNATIONAL AFFAIRS

  Short

  Be A Pochemuchka!

  (Not) Made In China

  Lost in Translation

  Medium

  The Great Wall of Florida

  The Search for the “Afghan Girl”

  Made in China

  Long

  Nephew of a Dictator

  THAT’S DEATH

  Short

  Last Words

  Where There’s A Will

  Medium

  That’s Death!

  Getting the Last Word

  The Zombie Quiz

  FOOD FOR THOUGHT

  Short

  The Eternal Twinkie

  Food for Thought

  One Egg Pop, Please

  Medium

  Limburger Cheese War

  Soy Ya Later

  CREATURE FEATURES

  Short

  A Great Ape

  Statue Rats

  Animals in the News

  Birth Announcement

  Medium

  Hairy Houdinis

  News of the Wild

  It’s A Dog’s Life

  Lucky Critters

  Boneheads

  News of the Wild

  Animals Famous for 15 Minutes

  GOVERN-MENTAL

  Short

  Dobbyloom Chainpegger

  Mr. Potty Mouth

  Medium

  Your Government At Work

  Taking the Low Road

  Long

  * CIA’s First Coup, Pt. I

  CIA’s First Coup, Pt. II

  A Spy? Not I!

  * CIA’s First Coup, Pt. III

  BUSINE$$

  Medium

  McLibel

  Sellouts?

  (Bad) Dream Houses

  What’d You McSay?

  Gobbled Up

  Long

  The Other Mr. Coffee

  What’s On eBay

  MOUTHING OFF

  Short

  Love and Marriage

  Fighting Words

  Kind of Kinky

  The Naked Truth

  Beg Your Parton

  Ancient Wisdom

  Muhammad Ali: Poet

  Comic Relief

  Say Goodnight, Gracie

  Tick-Tock

  PunditSpeak

  Sagan Says

  WORDPLAY

  Short

  Flubbed Headlines

  Thumbers & Modocks

  This Is My Other Car

  Amazing Anagrams

  Little Willie

  Limericks

  Uncle John’s Puzzlers

  TTFN, Sweater Girl!

  Sin Bins & Bucket Bags

  Code Brown

  A Dummary of Words

  Medium

  Ol’ Jay’s Brainteasers

  Have Fun With

  Long

  A Day in Palindromia

  AMERICANA

  Short

  Would You Rather Live In

  Stagecoaches

  Putting Revenge on the Map

  The Talented Miss America

  Alabama Kleenex

  Medium

  Odd Museums

  Name That Town

  POP-POURRI

  Short

  You’re My Inspiration

  Uncle John’s Page of Lists

  That’s About the Size of It

  Crazy Eights

  The Number of...

  Medium

  Know Your Globe

  It’s Art to Someone

  ORIGINS

  Medium

  Founding Fathers

  Random Origins

  Plastic Money

  Long

  Stalled Cars

  Computer Viruses

  FORGOTTEN HISTORY

  Medium

  The Rise And Demise of Ulysses S. Grant

  How the West Was Lost

  And Then What Happened?

  Long

  History of Civilization

  Gimli Glider, Pt. I

  Women in Space, Pt. I

  America’s Forgotten Founding Father

  And Then What Happened?

  Gimli Glider, Pt. II

  * (Bat) Bombs Away!

  And Then What Happened?

  Women in Space, Pt. II

  * Who Was Deep Throat?

  * Gimli Glider, Pt. III

  MYTHS & LEGENDS

  Short

  Myth-Conceptions

  Myth-Leading

  Medium

  You’ve Got Mail!

  Welcome to the Twilight Zone

  Urban Legends

  Don’t Eat That!

  Long

  The Four Dragons

  The Great Seattle Windshield Epidemic

  * Birthstones

  LIFE IS STRANGE

  Short

  What’s Up, Doc?

  Amazing Luck

  Medium

  The World’s (Un)luckiest Man

  Just Plane Weird

  Irregular News

  Amazing Luck

  It Worked...Too Well!

  Ironic, Isn’t It?

  In the News: The Birds and the Bees

  Irregular News

  I Can’t Take It Anymore!!!

  Role Models

  More Irregular News

  Abbey-Normal

  Long

  Unintended Consequences

  OH, CANADA

  Short

  Made in Canada

  Medium

  Weird Canada

  Marathon of Hope

  Jellied Moose Nose

  WORD & PHRASE ORIGINS

  Short

  Familiar Phrases

  Word Origins

  Medium

  Word Orgins

  Word Orgins

  LAW & ORDER

  Short

  Court Transquips

  Nice Crooks

  Looney Laws

  Medium

  Instant Justice

  Strange Lawsuits

  Dumberer Crooks

  Strange Lawsuits

  More Nice Crooks

  Long

  America’s First Private Eye

  * How to Fight a Speeding Ticket

  The Pinkerton Files

  KUNG PHOOEY

  Short

  I Scare Nothing! Even You Become Napkins!

  Kung Fu Wisdom

  Medium

  Jackie Chan’s Greatest Hits

  Long

  The King of Kung Fu

  The Creepiest Movie Ever Made

  * Let’s Watch Kung Fu

  HOAXES

  Short

  Winston Churchill’s Dirty Bird

  Funny Money

  Medium

  Best Pranks Ever

  Living a Lie

  Not Who They Seemed To Be

  Long

  Celebrity Two-Timers

  Was It...Murder?

  The Nigerian Scam

  CUSTOMS & SUPERSTITIONS

  Short<
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  No Whistling!

  Break a Leg!

  Medium

  Happy Eostre!

  Where’s Your Mecca?

  Speak of the Devil

  Offenders of the Faith

  On the Wart Path

  PRINTED WORD

  Short

  Dog Gives Birth to Kittens!

  Medium

  The Chaucer of Cheese

  Banned Books

  The World’s Worst Poet

  The Bestselling Books of All Time

  The World’s Worst Novelist

  Answers

  Oops! A popular British hiking magazine had to apologize to its readers. Its February 2004 issue contained faulty directions for how to get down safely from Ben Nevis, the country’s highest peak. As printed, the route led hikers over the edge of a cliff.

  HERE WE GO AGAIN!

  Another year...another amazing Bathroom Reader.

  Why do we keep doing this? Two reasons: 1) We love learning new things; and 2) We love sharing what we’ve learned. We just can’t help it. For instance, did you know that the world’s safest mode of transportation is...the elevator? See? The urge is still uncontrollable—even after 16 years!

  On our quest for perfect bathroom reading, we tried to shake things up a bit this year: Instead of writing about dumb crooks, we decided to find some smart crooks. We couldn’t find any. So we settled for nice crooks, like the guy who handed a bank teller a robbery note that ended with “Sorry for your inconvenience.”

  We also came up with a few new wordplay pages. We have a crazy word game based on Fed chairman Alan Greenspan, and our regular page of palindromes turned into a three-page sci-fi epic of absurd proportions. (Speaking of palindromes, we discovered a town called Adaven, Nevada.)

  And why settle for the best when the worst is a lot funnier? We have a bunch of worsts, including the world’s worst novelist and two terrible poets (one of whom only writes about cheese).

  This book truly is...slightly irregular.

  But wait, there’s more. (Okay, you can stop waiting.) Even with the few new touches, this is still a bona fide classic Bathroom Reader. It runs the gamut from the useless (Michael Jackson has a pet llama named Louie) to the useful (how to get out of a speeding ticket) to the sublime (our “Creative Teaching” award to the guy who punishes his students by making them listen to Frank Sinatra) to the very core of what makes us who we are (“The History of Civilization” begins on page 110). We also answer some of life’s nagging questions, such as, “How come so much stuff is made in China?” and “How do you kill a zombie?”

  As always, these books would never make it to press were it not for the committed (they should be) staff at BRI headquarters in Ashland, Oregon.

  •Thanks to our writers, John D. (check out his harrowing tale of “The Gimli Glider,” perhaps the most nail-biting story we’ve ever told) and Little Thom (he gave us “The History of Civilization” and “Forgotten Founding Father”).

  •Then there’s Brian, who knows far too much about pop culture and proves it with his great article about the lost Star Wars movie. And we can’t forget Ol’ Jay, who left the BRI, but somehow still shows up every day...and one day he showed up with a terrific piece on Woodstock.