Uncle John's Presents: Book of the Dumb Read online

The Mail Must Not Go Through

  TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS

  ANOTHER ONE FOR THE “EXPECTING TOO MUCH FROM FERMENTED POTATOES” FILE

  A Vodka Tonic

  THE REALLY STUPID QUIZ: THE ROCKY ROAD TO LOVE

  DUMB MOVIE FESTIVAL: DUNGEONS & DRAGONS (2000)

  PSYCHED OUT

  Experiment in Error

  Dumb Students Deserve Jail

  FOR GERBIL’S SAKE!

  The Furry Friend

  TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS

  HISTORICAL DUMBOSITY: ANOTHER MEGALOMANIAC HAS A GO AT IT

  What a Dummkopf!

  That Weather Thing Again

  You Call That Cold?

  THE ANSWER ZONE

  THE LAST PAGE

  Copyright Page

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  I had a big old ball of fun writing this book, and much of the reason for that is that I had help and encouragement from some great folks. Here are some of them.

  First, the “Beta Testers” who read the pieces as I cranked them out and offered suggestions and comments. They are (in no particular order): Daniel Mainz, Kathy Haggerty, Nicolas Condon, Bill Dickson, Heather Coon, Roger Baker, Mykal Burns, Stephanie Lynn, Sue Irvin, Jeffrey Brown, Natasha Kordus,

  Ed Thibodeau, Lisa Ferris, and Cian Chang. I’m sure I missed a couple; you know who you are and I thank you.

  Among the beta testers, I’d like to single out Bill Peschel, who offered editing suggestions for just about every entry. Thanks, Bill, I really appreciated it. I’ve said it before, but it’s worth saying one more time: you rock.

  The writing of this book would not have been possible without the existence of the Internet and the World Wide Web (well, it would have been possible, it just would have driven me insane), so thanks to Tim Berners-Lee for inventing the Web and those crazy kids at ARPANET for thinking up this whole “Net” thing.

  But more immediately, mad crazy props to Drew Curtis and all the members of Fark.com. If you don’t know Fark, it’s a site whose members link to strange and bizarre news stories from all around the world, thus making my job that much easier. For doing so, Fark.com gets my vote for the Greatest Web Site Ever. Thanks, Drew; thanks, Farksters.

  At Portable Press, I’d like to thank the people who actually put the book together and put the text into workable order: JoAnn Padgett, Jennifer Thornton, Amy Shapiro, and Amanda Wilson. Michael Brunsfeld put together the cover: I thank him.

  Thanks to Kristine and Athena Scalzi for being my wife and child, respectively. They’re harder jobs than one might think.

  PREFACE

  What is stupidity?

  What separates man from the rest of the animal kingdom? Contrary to popular belief, it is not our ability to use tools, or carry on conversation, or make fruity tropical drinks, since animals have been observed doing all of these things. (There is nothing more amusing than watching a crow make a mai tai.) No, what separates humanity from the beasts of the field, the air, and the sea is one small, simple concept:

  Stupidity.

  Consider a person who, say, uses her cigarette lighter to peer into a gas tank to see if it’s full. Do you hold her stupidity against her? Sure you do. She ought to know better. She’s being stupid.

  But what is stupidity? Well, it’s not just being unintelligent, since so-called “smart” people do stupid things all the time (just watch an engineering student try to get a date). Stupidity is the unwillingness to appreciate the consequences of your actions. From the thief who leaves a credit application at the store he’s just robbed, to the deposed king who gives himself away by asking for directions out of the country, stupidity happens when people have the ability to think things through but choose not to.

  In other words, stupidity is punishment for not thinking. Hey, you don’t even have to think well. You just have to think. You can’t blame animals for not thinking things through—they’re not designed for it—but you can blame humans. The capacity for stupidity is unique to our species. No one else has it. It is our birthright, the very essence of humanity.

  Which brings us to why we’re all here today. In your hands is Book of the Dumb—a celebration of stupidity. In its pages you’ll find example after example of people doing remarkably stupid things—most of these within just the last year alone. These people come from all walks of life: some are rich, some are poor. Some are college graduates, some probably didn’t get through grade school. Some are criminals, some are upstanding citizens. Some are Americans, others come from all around the world. Some are young, some are old. Some are women, some are men. The only thing they all have in common is that if you went up to them afterward and asked them why they acted so stupidly, they’d probably just shrug and say, “I guess I wasn’t thinking at the time.”

  In addition to these tales of modern imbecility, we’ve put in some recurring features to make your reading experience more fun.

  • Tips for Stupid Criminals provide critical insight to those who need it most—criminals who are three lockpicks short of a full set.

  • The Dumb Movie Festival highlights some of the most inexplicable films of the last few years.

  • The Really Stupid Quiz challenges you to spot the real stupid story among made-up ringers. It’s tougher than you think.

  • Historical Dumbosity provides tales of stupidity from days gone by, to assure you that humanity isn’t getting stupider, it’s merely maintaining its status quo.

  We hope the stories you find in Book of the Dumb will make you laugh and make you think. Remember: the more you think, the less chance you have of something similar happening to you. Stupidity may separate us from the animals, but it’s avoiding stupidity that can separate you from the crowd.

  Enjoy!

  —John Scalzi

  FOREWORD

  Welcome to Uncle John’s Presents latest (and strangest) production . . . Book of the Dumb.

  What is it, you ask? We like to think of this book as a wild and wacky road trip through all the bizarre, harebrained, hair-raising, and just plain dumb things that people do, spiced with a healthy dash of fascinating facts on dumb movies, dumb crooks, dumb deeds through history, and so much more. For example:

  • The thief who robbed a woman and then took a nap on her sofa instead of leaving with his loot.

  • The man who refuted his tax bill because he disputed the amount of his illegal drug proceeds.

  • A woman who tried to pass a stolen ID to the person she lifted it from.

  • The man who set his house on fire trying to eradicate mosquitoes.

  • A sister who filed criminal charges against her brother for stealing food from her home.

  • A manager who had an employee strip-searched because of a call he got from a “policeman” telling him to do so.

  • Women who have foot surgery just to fit into designer shoes.

  • The spreadsheet error that cost a company $24 million.

  Some of it will amaze you, some of it may horrify you a little, some of it is just plain weird, but most of all, we hope it will entertain and amuse you; because as we all know, the human mind can be a strange place to visit.

  So bring your seats to their full upright positions (forget those tray tables) and fasten your seatbelts because this is going to be a bumpy ride . . .

  Go with the flow!

  —Uncle John and the BRI Staff

  SLOW RIDER

  The star of this story, “Sid,” decided that the time had come to get a lawn tractor. No more slaving behind a lawn mower for him—from now on, he was going to ride, whirling blades under his feet, and shave his lawn into submission. With his mind on his mowing and his mowing on his mind, Sid headed to the neighborhood Lowe’s in Connecticut Commons, Connecticut, slapped down his $1,400, and got a snazzy new Troy-Bilt tractor ready to ride.

  Now all he had to do was to get it home. Lowe’s offered home delivery for $55, but apparently that was too rich for Sid’s blood; he refused. The tractor was ready to ride, dar
n it, and that’s what he was going to do. Sid straddled his new machine, fired it up, opened up the throttle—and raced home at the tractor’s top speed of 10 to 12 miles per hour on city streets. His wife followed behind him in the family minivan, hazard lights flashing, to make sure he wasn’t flattened by a passing car.

  Low-Speed Chase

  Shortly thereafter the cops were tipped off and raced to the scene. Sid, perhaps realizing a high-speed chase was not in the cards, pulled over and was issued a ticket for driving an unlicensed motor vehicle.

  It seems that Connecticut, in its stately wisdom, considers a lawn tractor to be a motor vehicle if you’re not actually mowing grass at the time of operation. If only Sid had known, he could have given the road shoulder a nice trim and avoided the ticket entirely.

  “It had headlights. I guess they thought they could drive it,” arresting officer David Posadas said. “He had the lights on.”

  The ticket, incidentally, cost $78—more than the cost of delivery. To add insult to injury, Sid was told that he could not drive the rest of the way home; he’d have to find another way to get the tractor to his house or it would be towed (to an impound lot, not his house). Sid ended up renting a van.

  The moral: Cough it up for delivery, or you’ll be the one getting the trim.

  Source: Hartford Courant

  NOT QUITE A HOME IMPROVEMENT

  If you live in Ebensburg, Pennsylvania, hold off on inflating that kiddie pool. A couple who had blown up an inflatable pool in their yard was told by the local government that they’d need a building permit for the pool or they might get fined. Ebensburg’s zoning laws require pools deeper than 18 inches to be fenced. Zoning officials say they’re just doing their job, but as the husband of this couple put it: “Who would think that you would need government permission to buy a $49 inflatable at Wal-Mart and put it in your driveway?” In other news, there’s a sale on fencing at Wal-Mart!

  Source: Associated Press

  A BAD ERA FOR SENSIBLE SHOES

  In Cinderella (and we’re talking about the real fairy tale, not the sanitized, Disney version), Cinderella loses her slipper and the prince’s men search the kingdom looking for the tiny foot that fit it, with the payoff that whoever’s foot fit would marry the prince and one day become queen.

  Cinderella’s evil stepsisters were so determined to succeed that when it came time to try the slipper on, they chopped off their own toes to get their feet to fit.

  Well, it didn’t work, of course, and in the end Cinderella married the prince while the evil stepsisters had their eyes pecked out by birds—without their toes, they couldn’t run away. We can’t understand why Disney didn’t want to animate this version of the story. The real moral to the Cinderella story: Despite what you may think, some shoes just aren’t worth the pain.

  This Little Piggy Went to the Doctor

  Apparently some women would beg to differ: the Sunday Times of Australia reported in August 2003 on the latest trend for some women who are clearly far too concerned about fashion: reconstructive foot surgery to fit those toes into the latest Jimmy Choos and other high-end shoes. The story profiles two women who had their feet done for their shoes’ sake; one of them is described as a “fashion victim of the cult for Manolo Blahnik,” whose foot surgery included shortening one toe, repositioning another, and cutting off a bunion, and who scheduled the surgery in February in order to be ready for the summer shoe-wearing season.

  Ironically, the sanest people in this story turn out to be the foot doctors themselves. Dr. Suzanne Levine, who does hundreds of foot surgeries every year, said: “I’ve had people ask for toe liposuction. I tell them to go see a therapist.” The cost of one of these operations: about $5,000 or so. We were praying this was one of those hoaxes you hear so much about until we found supporting interviews from a third source with both the fashion victim and Dr. Levine. It’s true. Horribly, painfully true.

  Just Take ’Em Off, Lady

  Our first reaction when shoes make our feet feel bad is to stop wearing them. So for everyone who’d cut up their own feet for the sake of fashion, we have two pieces of advice. First, get a grip. Second, watch for flocks of vengeful, pecking birds. Or at least learn how to sprint to safety in your Manolo Blahniks. Mind your toes.

  Sources: Sunday Times (Australia), WHDH-TV

  “There are well-dressed foolish ideas just as there are well-dressed fools.”

  —Nicolas Chamfort

  DUDE, WHERE’S MY CONDO?

  And now, the Book of the Dumb Players present Dude, Where’s My Condo? A play in four acts!

  ACT I: A Condo in Summit County, Colorado. The Occupants, BRENDA and JEFF, stand by the door.

  Brenda: What a gorgeous night! We should do something with this glorious evening. Something together.

  Jeff: I suggest drinking until we can barely think.

  Brenda: Yeah, that works for me. (They exit.)

  ACT II: A Condo in Summit County, later that same night. BRENDA and JEFF enter through the door and woozily turn on the lights.

  Brenda: Oh my God, we’ve been robbed!

  Jeff: They took everything! They took our TV! They took our paintings! They took our kitchen appliances!

  Brenda (in her underwear): They took my clothes!

  Jeff: Weren’t you wearing clothes when we left?

  Brenda: I don’t remember. It was so many drinks ago.

  ACT III: The same condo later that night. BRENDA and JEFF are standing around with a POLICEMAN.

  Policeman: Perhaps your landlord can shed some light on this robbery.

  Jeff: I hope so! I miss my stuff!

  Brenda: And I miss my clothes!

  (enter LANDLORD)

  Landlord: I have good news. I found all of Brenda and Jeff’s material possessions!

  Policeman: And where might they be?

  Landlord: In their condo, two buildings over. These drunken fools are in a vacant condo I’m trying to sell.

  ACT IV: The Summit County Sheriff’s Office

  Policeman: We had to take Brenda and Jeff into protective custody. She had a blood alcohol count of .193 and he had one of .238.

  Landlord: And we never did find out what happened to Brenda’s clothes.

  Policeman: Hey, what are you doing here?

  Landlord: I was led to understand there would be doughnuts.

  THE END

  Source: TheDenverChannel.com

  DUMB MOVIE FESTIVAL: FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY (2003)

  Welcome to the Dumb Movie Festival, in which we, uh, celebrate massive expenditures of movie cash in the pursuit of exceptionally questionable cinematic ideas—and taste. As you might imagine, quite a few films fit this particular profile, so for the sake of mercy, we’re confining ourselves to the last few years. Can you take the pain? Sure you can!

  Our Entry: From Justin to Kelly, starring Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini

  The Plot (Such As It Is): American Idol finalists Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini play fictionalized versions of themselves as spring break partiers who meet in a girl’s bathroom and decide to fall for each other despite having the romantic chemistry of damp socks and an armadillo. This leads to spontaneous, poorly choreographed dance numbers on the beach done to songs that you won’t remember even as you listen to them. At least it was an excuse for everyone in the film to get some sun.

  Fun Fact: The film was originally slated as a direct-to-video release, but then theater owners complained that they wanted part of the American Idol action, thereby proving that, per screenwriter William Goldman’s famous dictum regarding Hollywood, “theater owners don’t know anything either.”

  Total North American Box Office: $4,922,166 (source: The-Numbers.com). Guess they should have gone the straight-to-video route.

  The Critics Rave!

  “How bad is From Justin to Kelly? Set in Miami during spring break, it’s like Grease: The Next Generation acted out by the food-court staff at SeaWorld.”—Entertainment Weekly

&n
bsp; “From Justin to Kelly is the movie equivalent of general anesthetic; the handful of unwary civilians emerging from yesterday’s first show at the Union Square looked like they had just awoken from a very deep sleep.”—New York Post

  “Some people wait a lifetime for a turkey like this—and for them, From Justin to Kelly will provide a holiday feast. Not since Diana Ross and Brandy’s Double Platinum has there been such a spectacularly wretched musical melodrama . . . The screenplay, by Kim Fuller, is the perfect plot for those who find Grease overly complicated and obtuse.”