Uncle John's Presents: Book of the Dumb Read online

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Acknowledgments

  Preface

  Foreword

  SLOW RIDER

  A BAD ERA FOR SENSIBLE SHOES

  This Little Piggy Went to the Doctor

  Just Take ’Em Off, Lady

  DUDE, WHERE’S MY CONDO?

  DUMB MOVIE FESTIVAL: FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY (2003)

  ARMS AND THE MAN

  The Arms Race

  ROLL CALL

  HISTORICAL DUMBOSITY: THE ZIMMERMANN TELEGRAM

  Meet the Mastermind

  The Logistics

  The British Wiles

  The German Soft Spot

  The American Dilemma

  The Mastermind Strikes Again

  A COMBUSTIBLE SITUATION

  Burning with Bad Intentions

  A POWERFUL CLERICAL ERROR

  They Don’t Excel at Proofreading

  COURT ORDER: DECEASED SPOUSE MUST PAY ALIMONY

  But Is It Legal? You Bet!

  HARRY POTTER AND THE REALITY-IMPAIRED FAN

  AND IOWA’S STREETS WILL FLOW CORNHUSKER RED!

  Iowa Is the Favorite

  BABY, YOU CAN DRIVE MY CAR—IN SEVEN YEARS

  AND HERE I THOUGHT GUTVIK WAS A KIND OF FISH

  Just Put Glimma on the Duvemar

  Gutvik? I’ll Take Two!

  TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS

  THE REALLY STUPID QUIZ: ESCAPED PRISONERS

  YIPES! STRIPES!

  ONE MORE ITEM FOR THE “DO NOT PLACE IN MICROWAVE LIST”

  NOT WHAT IS USUALLY MEANT BY “MIXED MEDIA”

  Cruel and Unusual

  UP IN SMOKE

  Like a House Afire

  TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS

  DUMB MOVIE FESTIVAL: KANGAROO JACK (2003)

  THE REALLY STUPID QUIZ: WACKY WORLD LEADERS

  MONEY FOR NOTHING

  THE HIGH COST OF SITTING

  Arrested for Resting

  A STUPID EXCUSE THAT WASN’T

  Exhibit B for Burrito

  THE HURTINGEST MAN IN THE WORLD

  Not Your Father’s HMO

  Let’s Do It Under the Table

  A CHEESY AIRPORT SECURITY STORY

  What a Cheesy Gift!

  An Unexplosive Situation

  THAT’S ONE LUCKY MAN

  Dumb, But Lucky

  HOW NOT TO CLEANSE YOUR PALATE

  May We Suggest a Little Sorbet Instead?

  ANATOMY OF A DUMB EXCUSE: THE NEKKID PILOTS

  The Truth, As Far As We Can Tell

  ANOTHER THIRD WILL HAVE TO SIT AT THE NERD TABLE AT LUNCH

  Why They’re Called Vice-Principals

  CANADA, MY CANADA

  A CAPITOL PERFORMANCE

  De-Duct-ive Reasoning

  TRAIN WRECK TV

  But Wait, There’s More!

  Next on Springer: “I’m in Trouble with the Law for Being on Springer!”

  NEXT TIME, HE SHOULD GO FOR A LITTLE SEQU INED NUMBER

  Skirting the Issue

  #1 AT WIMBLEDON

  TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS

  THE REALLY STUPID QUIZ: ARTSY-FARTSY

  YOU CAN BUY BULLETS IN THE GIFT SHOP

  Let’s Not and Say We Did

  DON’T DRIVE ANGRY. DON’T CRASH ANGRY, EITHER.

  TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS

  HE GETS FIRST PLACE IN SOMETHING, ALL RIGHT

  THAT’S SOME BANK ERROR

  But, Honey . . .

  Don’t “Honey” Me!

  DUMB MOVIE FESTIVAL: THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN (2003)

  NOT VERY COOL

  Cooling-off Period

  THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR CUTTING IN LINE

  ULTIMATE MELLOW HARSHER

  NOT THE RECORD TO HOLD IF YOU WANT TO MEET GROOVY CHICKS

  What Is Going On Down There?

  YOU CAN PUT THEM RIGHT NEXT TO YOUR FAKE CREDIT CARDS

  All That Glitters, Baby

  FIRST WE TAKE AUSTRIA, THEN LIECHTENSTEIN WILL FALL LIKE A PLUMP GRAPE

  An Army of One

  HISTORICAL DUMBOSITY: BAD FOOD IDEAS

  THE 411 ON 911

  Maybe Jimmy Is a Big White Rabbit

  DUBIOUS DECOR AWARD

  Voodoo Economics

  HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY, EXCEPT IN CIRCUMSTANCES LIKE THESE

  I’D KILL FOR THIS PART!

  ON THE OTHER HAND, WOULD YOU WANT THIS GUY ON YOUR JURY?

  JUST SAY NO, EXCEPT TO US

  Is It in You?

  WAIT TILL YOU HEAR WHAT THEY CALL THEIR HARD LIQUOR!

  What’s the Big Deal?

  HANDS DOWN, THE STICKIEST TAX SITUATION YET

  That Was Jive, Clive

  Sticking Up for Himself

  DRIVEN TO DRINK

  BAD PARENTS, IN CARS

  Daddy Dearest

  Pin the Tale on the Daddy

  Mommy’s Visit to the Slammer

  A Shut and Open Case

  BANG! YOU’RE DUMB

  JAILHOUSE LAWYER

  TAKE A BITE OUT OF CRIME

  Snausages! Snausages!

  GIVE ’EM 15 MINUTES AND YOU’LL HAVE THE SCREENPLAY FOR GIGLI

  Here’s the Poop

  PAY FOR TV? THAT’S COMMUNISM!

  Big BBC Is Watching

  But We Only Watch Reruns

  TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS

  THE U.S. FLAG: LOVE IT OR MOVE TO NORWAY!

  Accidentally on Purpose

  Crime and Punishment Norwegian Style

  COPS! LIVE ON MTV!

  Bad Brad

  GIVE HIM A PINK SLIP

  Time for a Career Change

  TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS

  PAGING SENATOR RYDER

  50,000 VOLTS IS JUST GOD’S WAY OF TELLING YOU TO PLAY THROUGH

  Not Smart Enough to Come in out of the Rain

  Hey! I’m Talking to You

  SOMETIMES THE INSECT WINS

  It Could Have Been a Nasty Scrape

  STUPID AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER TRICKS

  Off the Radar

  MON DIEU! STOP THE MUSIC!

  THE TOILET PAPER–DISPENSING PDA COSTS EXTRA

  Après the Internet Café

  Hey Dude, Hurry Up with That Download

  Rebooting the System

  IF YOU’RE SEEING DOUBLE, DOES THAT MEAN YOU’VE VOTED TWICE?

  Arriving Under the Influence

  I Demand My Rights As a Citizen!

  FOR GOD’S SAKE, DON’T GO AFTER A GRIZZLY WITH ENDUST

  Let Us Spray

  Let’s Get the Heck Outta Here!

  HAKENKREUZING FOR A BRUISING

  Good vs. Evil

  OM, OM, OW!

  Somebody Call a Doctor!

  CONFIDENTIAL COMMUNICATION GONE WRONG

  The Joke’s on You—and So Is the Ink

  LATER IN THE DAY, THE NRA WENT THROUGH THE HALLS SHOOTING BLANKS

  They Were Petri-fied

  DUMB MOVIE FESTIVAL: THE ADVENTURES OF PLUTO NASH (2002)

  A SNAFU AT HQ

  DUM-PL8S

  How High?

  HE’S NOT EXACTLY HAPPY ABOUT THOSE “SKORTS,” EITHER

  The Seat of the Problem

  Ignore Him and Maybe He’ll Go Away

  GRANDFATHER CLUCK

  Bringing Down Baby

  BLOODY DUMB

  FAN SERVICE

  Meanwhile in the Middle East . . .

  IF HE’D TAKEN THE ICE CREAM, HE’D PROBABLY BE LOOKING AT A FELONY

  Hey, Wait a Minute!

  TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS

  JEWELRY TO SPARE, APPARENTLY

  Let’s See . . . Decisions, Decis
ions

  BALLOONATIC

  Don’t Even Think About Spraying the Vice President with Reddi-wip

  TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS

  MAMA BEARS DOWN ON THE CROWD

  Please Curb Your Dog

  A New Leash on Life

  A FISHY PREMISE

  Nemo Meets the Muffin Monster

  Is This the End of Nemo?

  Then Why Did They Name It Muffin Monster?

  DUMB MOVIE FESTIVAL: SWEPT AWAY (2002)

  THIS RESCUE WAS ALL WET

  A DOG DAY AFTERNOON

  TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS

  NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED

  Paybacks Are Hell

  TURN ON YOUR ART LIGHT

  GOLDEN RULE DAYS

  SHE SCREAMED FOR ICE CREAM

  Hold the Cone!

  HISTORICAL DUMBOSITY: LOUIS XVI’S MONEY PROBLEMS

  The Not-So-Great Escape

  TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS

  TAKING A YEN FOR PACHINKO A LITTLE TOO FAR

  Life Must Go on—Ka-ching!

  SHE POPPED THE CLUTCH. HE PUT IT INTO GEAR. HEH HEH HEH.

  TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS

  IS THAT A BOMB IN YOUR SHOE, OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?

  Lost in Translation

  THE REALLY STUPID QUIZ: SENSITIVITY

  DUMB MOVIE FESTIVAL: BALLISTIC: ECKS VS. SEVER (2002)

  IT WAS JUST LIKE THE LOVE BOAT, EXCEPT FOR THOSE DARN FEDERAL AGENTS

  Not Only Brilliant, But Foolproof

  You’re on Your Own Kid

  SEE YOU LATER ALLIGATOR

  YOUR CAT IS IN FOR A SHOCK

  THE RUNNING OF THE MORONS

  A Lot of Bulls

  This Idea Is Bull***!

  TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS

  THE REALLY STUPID QUIZ: THOSE CRAZY TEENS!

  A GUN IN THE OVEN

  Now You’re Cooking

  BONO’S HAT TRICK

  Mr. Hat Only Travels First Class

  Mr. Hat Gets an Upgrade

  It Was All Worth It

  DAGNABBIT! THE GAS PEDAL MOVED ON ITS OWN!

  How Not to Pass Your Driving Test

  DUMB MOVIE FESTIVAL: GLITTER (2001)

  DEAR DIARY: I HOPE MY WIFE DOESN’T READ YOU!

  My Achy Breaky Heart

  WHAT THE HACK?

  DUMB MUNICIPAL CODES IN ACTION

  A Pack of Kools and Some Kool-Aid

  A.K.A. the Quibbling Commission

  Smoking Allowed

  AS FAR AS YOU KNOW, THIS ARTICLE IS 100% ORIGINAL

  Enough Irony to Cure Anemia

  TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS

  A HARD KNOCK LIFE

  DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE

  HISTORICAL DUMBOSITY: DONKEY KONG KRAZINESS

  Gorilla Tactics

  Kong of All They Survey

  Media Giant Killer

  TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS

  THE REALLY STUPID QUIZ: THOSE DISTURBING ANIMALS!

  THANK GOD IT WASN’T A MEDICAL EXAM

  HOW NOT TO HAIL A TAXI

  Why the Southern Exposure?

  HOW TO ANNOY A JUDGE, TIP #4,655

  TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS

  HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DUMB-ASS

  It Comes As No Surprise

  HE’LL NEED ONE HECK OF A WIRELESS CONNECTION

  THE RUSSIAN VERSION OF SING-SING

  You Know, Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn Had a Fabulous Singing Voice

  SO MUCH FOR PUPPY LOVE

  Dogs Just Want to Have Fun

  DUMB MOVIE FESTIVAL: FREDDY GOT FINGERED (2001)

  TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS

  YOU FOUND WHAT IN MY FREEZER?

  What Did They Have to Lose?

  YOU OUGHTA BE IN PICTURES. OR NOT.

  Just Her Type—Dumb As a Post

  Seduced and Betrayed

  HISTORICAL DUMBOSITY: WHEN WILL THEY EVER LEARN?

  Napoleon First

  Hey, Who Ate the Last Potato?

  Twiddling the Imperial Thumbs

  That’s Right, Kick Him When He’s Down

  BORN TO BE BAD

  It’s Inconceivable!

  TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS

  THE REALLY STUPID QUIZ: BUREAUCRACY IN ACTION

  DUMB MOVIE FESTIVAL: 3000 MILES TO GRACELAND (2001)

  FROM DOO-DOO TO DEEP DOO-DOO

  More Arresting Behavior

  WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU LEMONS, MAKE SURE YOUR PERMITS ARE IN ORDER

  A TAXING SITUATION

  Wonder if He Had the Paperwork to Prove His Claim

  WELCOME TO FREEDOM, YOU’RE UNDER ARREST

  A Delivery from the Drugstore

  TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS

  BEEKEEP, I’LL HAVE A STINGER

  Bee Happy

  WHAT’S MORE, MIMING A BOMB THREAT ISN’T COOL, EITHER

  The Trouble with Teens

  TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS

  WHEN GAS SUPPLIES COME TO A DEAD STOP

  He Doesn’t Need to Fasten His Seatbelt

  THE REALLY STUPID QUIZ: THE WORLD OF FASHION

  DIAL “D” FOR DIVORCE

  Hitting Someone Is the Best Revenge

  NOTE TO SELF: 911 DOESN’T TAKE REQUESTS

  HISTORICAL DUMBOSITY: NOT-SO-GOLDEN OLDIE

  Petula Clark on Wheels

  The Lovin’ Spoonful at Home

  Pink Floydiana

  Mac Stops Thinking About Tomorrow

  DUMB MOVIE FESTIVAL: BATTLEFIELD EARTH (2000)

  LIKE A RAT IN A DAZE

  Just Say No to Evidence

  TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS

  DEAR GOD: NEXT TIME SEND AN E-MAIL

  On with the Show

  THE REALLY STUPID QUIZ: STUPIDITY AT WORK

  NOW FOR THE IN-FLIGHT ENTERTAINMENT

  He Didn’t Even Give Us Peanuts

  TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS

  DUI DOUBLE TROUBLE

  All Boozed Up and No Place to Go

  DUMB, FOR GOODNESS’ SAKE