Uncle John's Actual and Factual Bathroom Reader Read online

  EMPIRE: Fox’s music industry drama, created by Lee Daniels and Danny Strong, is based on Shakespeare…and Shakespearean drama. “The whole idea just flooded through my head,” recalled Strong. “I’d do it like King Lear or The Lion in Winter. Make the main character like a dying king, and he’s got three sons.” That’s the premise of Empire.

  MICHIGAN WOLVERINES: At the turn of the 19th century, a bitter land dispute between Ohio and Michigan led to both states’ militias sending troops to the mouth of Maumee River on Lake Michigan. Shots were fired, but there were no casualties on the battlefield. When Congress awarded the land to Ohio in 1836, Michigan governor Stevens T. Mason promised to “resist to the utmost every encroachment or invasion upon the rights and soil of this territory.” So stubborn were the Michiganders that the Ohioans started calling them wolverines—“the ugliest, meanest, fiercest creatures from the north.” The University of Michigan adopted the nickname in the 1860s.

  THE JOKER: Heath Ledger’s sadistic turn as the Joker in The Dark Knight (2008) is considered one of the best villain portrayals in film history. His inspirations for the role are known to include punk rocker Sid Vicious, and Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange. But in 2012, a viral video added another possible inspiration: gravelly voiced singer Tom Waits. In 1979 Waits did an interview on Australia’s The Don Lane Show, and he looks and sounds exactly like Ledger’s Joker (minus the makeup). It’s likely that Ledger, who was raised in Australia, saw a tape of the interview. According to Slate, “Even Waits’ hunched-over, lopsided posture brings to mind the Joker.” (Google it and see for yourself.)

  ERIC CARTMAN: In the late 1990s, South Park co-creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker wanted one of the characters on their irreverent cartoon to be an eight-year-old version of Archie Bunker, the cantankerous old conservative from the 1970s sitcom All in the Family. But Archie had his soft side, and as South Park progressed over the years, Cartman got nastier. He became less Archie Bunker and more, as Parker describes, “the garbage in everyone’s souls.”

  A journey begins with a single step…which requires 200 muscles working together.

  “WHAT’S YOUR

  EMERGENCY?”

  These are all real calls people made to their local emergency hotlines…that were not quite emergencies.

  A woman parked at a Florida Walgreens called 911 when her car wouldn’t start…and she was locked inside. The dispatcher told her to pull up on the lock…and she was freed.

  Another Florida woman called 911 three times in one day to complain that a McDonald’s was out of Chicken McNuggets.

  A married woman in Germany called the local police emergency number (110) because her husband wouldn’t stop watching a dirty movie.

  When she was dissatisfied with the number of shrimp in an order of shrimp fried rice at a local Chinese restaurant and was denied a refund, a Texas woman called 911 to summon police.

  A woman called 911 to report that her cat was stuck in a tree. But she didn’t want the fire department to come rescue the cat—her husband had climbed into the tree to retrieve it…and he got stuck, too.

  A man called 911 when he spotted what he thought was a brush fire burning on top of a hill very early in the morning. Then he realized that what he was actually seeing was the sun rising.

  When he couldn’t figure out a math problem, a four-year-old boy called 911 for help. (The dispatcher helped him solve it.)

  It’s perfectly reasonable to call 911 if you think somebody’s opening fire on you in your home. That’s why one elderly woman called, only to realize that the exploding noises were eggs—she’d left them on the stove to boil, forgot about them, and they “popped.”

  A woman called 999 in England when two unauthorized intruders entered her home. Except that they were authorized: They were police officers who’d come to serve an arrest warrant on the woman.

  One man in central Florida called 911 more than 16 times to demand the arrest of “TV news,” but that it wasn’t an emergency.

  A woman in Deltona, Florida, was arrested for calling 911 four times in one day to complain that a salon had cut her nails too short.

  A man called the cops on a convenience store clerk when they wouldn’t sell him beer. The clerk refused to sell it to him unless he produced an ID proving he was 21, which he said he couldn’t do because he wasn’t 21. He told dispatchers that he’d purchased beer at the store in the past by bribing the store clerks… and he wanted police to come and force the clerk to both take his bribe and sell him beer. (The police did come…to arrest the caller.)

  Monkeys floss. They use feathers or blades of grass.

  WEIRD ANIMAL NEWS

  In this edition: sluggish snails, captivating camels, restrained reptiles, and an ornery owl.

  The Ugly Side of Beauty. Camel beauty contests are a big deal in parts of the Middle East. Winners become national heroes; their owners make millions. So it shouldn’t be surprising that some unscrupulous men go to great lengths to win. How? With Botox injections. In January 2018, a few days before the King Abdulaziz Camel Festival in Rumah, Saudi Arabia, a veterinarian was caught administering the muscle-paralyzing neurotoxin to 12 contestants. Why do they use Botox? As one of the breeders explained: “It makes the head more inflated so when the camel comes it’s like, ‘Oh, look at how big that head is. It has big lips, a big nose.’ ” There are strict rules against harming the animals, so the dozen camels and their handlers were disqualified.

  Nobody Home. It was so cold in England in the winter of 2018 that the snails went into hibernation. That was bad news for patrons of the Dartmoor Union Inn, a pub in Devon, who had come there in February for the annual snail races. According to the pub’s Facebook page, “Unfortunately, due to our snails being extra sleepy we have had to cancel the snail racing championships.” (It must have been a slow news day because the story made international headlines.)

  Owly Matrimony. It seems that the Harry Potter movies have given us some unrealistic expectations about owls’ behavior. At a fancy wedding ceremony in Wiltshire, England, the bride secretly arranged for two handlers to emerge during the vows and release a large, white barn owl to deliver the rings to the altar. “The idea was it would be amazing and would swoop over the heads of the guests, and they’d all feel the air rushing from its wings,” said Reverend Chris Bryan, “but it didn’t quite work like that.” Instead, Darcy (the owl) flew straight to the highest point in the 900-year-old church, landed on a rafter, and fell asleep for an hour. (Thinking ahead, the bride had brought two “back-up rings.”)

  Sticky Situation. There are so many lizards and snakes in Australia that if you want to catch a few, apparently you just throw a ball of tape on the ground and wait. In March 2018, animal-control officers in New South Wales responded to a call about a snake that was stuck to a ball of tape. They expected it to be some kind of heavy-duty tape, but, said a spokesperson, “Our rescuer was surprised to find that the tape was normal masking tape which had been crumpled up and discarded. Of even more surprise, the tape had caught not only a dwarf crown snake but also a little lizard.” The snake and the lizard were carefully freed and sent on their way.

  18th-century fashion fad: wearing fake moles made from velvet, silk, or mouse skin.

  NAILED IT!

  Fascinating facts about the things that grow out of your fingers and toes.

  Fingernails and toenails are made of the fibrous structural protein keratin, which is also the major component of hair, hooves, horns, and the outer layer of human skin.

  Technically, the cuticle—the piece of skin where the finger meets the nail—is called the eponychium, the skin around the edges of the nail is the paronychium, and the skin that connects the nail to the fingertip is the hyponychium.

  The fastest growing nail is your middle finger.

  Toenails are twice as thick as fingernails.

  The cuticle creates a seal that keeps moisture and germs out of the body.

  The top part of the nail—the par
t you polish—is called the nail plate.

  On average, fingernails grow about 0.1 inch per month.

  Contrary to popular myth, nails do not keep growing after we die. The skin retracts after death, making the nails look longer.

  Scientific term for nail biting: onychophagia.

  The nail bed, which is the tissue under the nail, is sometimes called the quick, and hurts when you cut it.

  Nails grow faster in summer than in winter.

  The white half-moon at the base of the nail is the lunula.

  As we age, our nails tend to peel and crack more readily because they’ve lost their moisture.

  Ridges on nails also come from aging.

  Fingernails grow three to four times faster than toenails.

  Women’s nails grow faster during pregnancy.

  White spots under nails, while harmless, are sometimes caused by trauma to the end of the fingertips.

  Nails grow from the bottom out.

  Are you right-handed or left-handed? The nails on your dominant hand grow faster.

  Men’s nails grow faster than women’s.

  NASCAR drivers have to weigh 200 pounds. If they don’t, weights are added to their cars.

  EVERYDAY SCIENCE

  Most people buy tea strainers to, well, strain tea. Not scientists. Apparently, they use everyday objects for purposes other than what the manufacturer intended. How do we know? Because scientists are now sharing their clever (and cringe-worthy) uses for these items in online product reviews. We collected a few to show just how mad—and ingenious—the scientific method can be.

  T-Sac Tea Filter Bags. “These bags are fantastic for soaking small fish in formaldehyde. We write on the bag itself, drop the fish in, and place it into formalin (or ethanol) to preserve for later analyses. This way we can easily label many individual fish in the same jar.”

  Reach Mint Waxed Floss. “Works great as noose to collect small lizards. Pretty durable but can snag on undergrowth. No comment from lizards on mint flavor.”

  Chinese Takeout Boxes. “Ideal for weighing and transporting mice. Likely to confuse non-scientists who think you are carrying your lunch through lab.”

  TashiBox 2 oz. Disposable Portion Cups with Lids. “Perfect-sized temporary containers for tiny poison frogs when you need to ID and process 100+ frogs in a morning. Some brands are more durable than others.”

  Colgate Extra Clean Toothbrush, Soft. “Great for cleaning pottery, stones, animal bones and even ancient teeth!”

  Sheaffer Skrip Ink Bottle, Blue/Black. “This is the ONLY ink that will stain Arbuscular mycorrhiza. I have tried several other brands and none stain or dissolve well in the acidified water. Great product.”

  MaxFactor Glossfinity Nail Polish. “Must-have in any tropical rainforest first aid kit! Apply topically over entrance to bot fly pupae until maggot dies, then extract. Colored polish helps track infestation over course of field season. Also festive.”

  Jif Creamy Peanut Butter. “Great for luring flying squirrels (and other rodents) into live traps. They love this stuff.”

  DID YOU KNOW?

  The ubiquitous Chinese takeout box was invented in the U.S. by Frederick Weeks Wilcox in 1894. Wilcox called it a “paper pail,” because he based the design on the wooden oyster pails used by fishermen at the time. The image of a Chinese pagoda on the side wasn’t added until 1970.

  Estimate: The average American home has about $10 worth of pennies lying around.

  MontoPack Bamboo Wooden Toothpicks. “Make perfect splints for injured songbird legs! Snip to size, wipe the leg with an alcohol swab, attach with superglue, and improve outcomes for that rare injury that occurs when bird banding or from a window strike.”

  Ziploc Brand Containers, Medium. “Great for transporting queen bumblebees from the field for captive breeding. Ziploc is better than no-name option that tend to split when air holes are poked. Downside is humidity buildup. Disinfect by throwing in the dishwasher.”

  Coleman Camp Oven. “Fits perfectly on a propane tank and brazier for drying monkey poop when you have no electricity. Get an oven thermometer to monitor internal temperature, and make sure everyone knows you’re not baking brownies.”

  TePe Interdental Brushes. “Really excellent for getting the brains out of very small bird skulls.”

  Bead Organizer. “Bought this for storing small bags of ancient human teeth. Box makes it easy to keep the teeth separate and transport them.”

  Hard Plastic Champagne Glasses. “These are listed as party essentials & champagne glasses, but they’re really for suspending fecal samples in tidy packages of cheesecloth held by bamboo skewers to grow up and isolate parasite larvae.”

  Knee-high Pantyhose. “Perfect for ‘burrito-ing’ (the technical term) bats in order to keep them still (and flightless) when weighing them. (Note: imagine the hose as the tortilla and the bat as the filling.)”

  Hamster Exercise Ball. “A convenient chamber for isolating individual crayfish.”

  Self-Adhesive Reinforcement Labels, Round. “Reinforcement rings, perfect for making wells of just the right depth for mounting whole bee brains for microscopy.”

  TOOTHPICKS OF THE RICH & FAMOUS

  Today’s toothpicks are cheap, single-use items. But in medieval England, toothpicks were a status symbol. They came in fancy cases, were made of gold or silver, and were even set with jewels. In 1570 Queen Elizabeth was gifted a set of six golden toothpicks. One of her most prized possessions, they were kept on display for all to see.

  Action movie hero John Rambo was named after a variety of apple called the Rambo.

  “DON’T EAT THE PAPER”

  Sometimes fortune cookies contain a helpful bit of sage wisdom. Other times, they’re ridiculous. These are those. (And they’re all real.)

  “About time I got out of that cookie.”

  “You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.”

  “The fortune you seek is in another cookie.”

  “Stop procrastinating—starting tomorrow.”

  “You are not illiterate.”

  “If you think we’re going to sum up your whole life on this little bit of paper, you’re crazy.”

  “Some men dream of fortunes, others dream of cookies.”

  “It is a good day to have a good day.”

  “You love Chinese food.”

  “I am worth a fortune.”

  “You have rice in your teeth.”

  “This cookie contains 117 calories.”

  “You think it’s a secret, but they know.”

  “What’s the speed of dark?”

  “Make love, not bugs.”

  “Help! I am being held prisoner in a Chinese bakery.”

  “Some fortune cookies contain no fortune.”

  “Today is probably a huge improvement over yesterday.”

  “You will receive a fortune. (Cookie)”

  “It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.”

  “The greatest danger could be your stupidity.”

  “When in anger, sing the alphabet.”

  “Pick another fortune cookie.”

  “The rubber bands are heading in the right direction.”

  “Avoid taking unnecessary gambles.

  Lucky Numbers 12, 14, 17, 20, 28, 36”

  “Ask your mom.”

  “I cannot help you, for I am just a cookie.”

  “Don’t eat the paper.”

  “Ignore previous fortunes.”

  Free soda refills are illegal in France.

  SAFE SPACES

  We all want to be in the safest place possible, especially when we’re in these harrowing situations.

  SAFEST PLACE TO SIT ON A PLANE. In 2015 Time magazine analyzed data from the Federal Aviation Administration’s Aircraft Accident Database and studied accidents in which some passengers survived and others died. The findings: Passengers riding in the middle seats in the back third of the plane had the highest rate of survival
.

  SAFEST PLACE TO SIT IN A CAR. The University of Buffalo studied data about car accident fatalities, paying special attention to where deceased occupants had been sitting at the time of impact. On average, the back seat is approximately 70 percent safer than the front seat. The middle seat in the back is a full 25 percent safer than window seats. Reason: If you’re sitting in the middle, you’re as far away from impact as possible—if a car gets sideswiped, for example, the side of the car will absorb most of that impact.

  SAFEST COUNTRY TO BE IN WHEN NUCLEAR WAR BREAKS OUT. Switzerland is well known for its staunch neutrality and refusal to engage in any large-scale conflicts. That means if World War III between superpowers were to break out, those two allied networks would blow each other up while Switzerland stayed out of it. Enhancing the nation’s safety, the Swiss have taken aggressive steps to prevent getting pulled into a war or getting invaded. Hundreds of its bridges and roads are rigged with explosives, as are the sides of mountains that sit on borders with neighboring countries.

  SAFEST PLACE AGAINST ALL NATURAL DISASTERS. A geographical data service called Sperling’s Best Places considered what American cities were most likely to endure hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, floods, droughts, extreme heat, and heavy rainfall. It found that the safest city—the one least likely to suffer any of those natural disasters—is Corvallis, Oregon, a small town in northwestern Oregon (and home to Oregon State University).

  SAFEST PLACE DURING AN EARTHQUAKE. When the ground starts shaking and you’re inside, it’s most important to make sure nothing shakes free of a wall or ceiling and hits you on the head. Experts say to get under something heavy and sturdy, like a big table. If you don’t have that, get in the bathtub and cover your head. If you’re outdoors, think of your head and use your head: Avoid trees (they fall) and power lines (they fall…and can electrocute you).