Uncle John's Actual and Factual Bathroom Reader Read online

  Bathroom Readers’ Institute

  Portable Press

  San Diego, California

  Portable Press / The Bathroom Readers’ Institute

  An imprint of Printers Row Publishing Group

  10350 Barnes Canyon Road, Suite 100, San Diego, CA 92121

  www.portablepress.com • e-mail: [email protected]

  Copyright © 2018 Portable Press

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

  Printers Row Publishing Group is a division of Readerlink Distribution Services, LLC. Portable Press, Bathroom Readers’ Institute, and Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader are registered trademarks of Readerlink Distribution Services, LLC.

  All correspondence concerning the content of this book should be addressed to Portable Press / The Bathroom Readers’ Institute, Editorial Department, at the above address.

  Publisher: Peter Norton • Associate Publisher: Ana Parker

  Publishing / Editorial Team: Vicki Jaeger, Lauren Taniguchi, April Farr, Kelly Larsen, Kathryn C. Dalby, Carrie Davis, Leah Baltazar • Editorial Team: JoAnn Padgett, Melinda Allman, Dan Mansfield Production Team: Jonathan Lopes, Rusty von Dyl

  Created and produced by Javna Brothers LLC

  Interior design by Lidija Tomas

  Cover design by Adam Devine

  Endpaper design by Rusty von Dyl

  Dedicated to our parents, Claire and Stephen Javna, who taught us to love facts

  “I never apologize. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way I am.” —Homer Simpson

  eBook ISBN: 978-1-68412-498-5

  eBook Edition: July 2018

  OUR “REGULAR”

  READERS RAVE!

  I absolutely love your books. I learn more from them than I do from any other history book or book I’ve ever read. You keep printing them and I’ll keep buying them.

  —Bill M.

  I enjoy all the humor, information, and trivia…and the fact that most of the articles are short enough to finish while visiting my “Reading Room.”

  —Dave G.

  I love these books. The way they’re written makes facts and trivia fun.

  —Julia K.

  I have enjoyed many issues of Uncle John’s Bathroom Readers over the years (I’m 82) and always look forward to a new one. My son-in-law (also a nut who loves your books) gave me the new one a week ago and I dove into it as soon as I got to the bathroom! Thank you very much.

  —Richard G.

  Big fan here. I love everything you publish. You’re my “fun encyclopedia.” Never stop doing what you do.

  —Terry D.

  Your books bring my family a lot of pleasure.

  —Lou B.

  I own about 30 of your books. I read them partly for entertainment, but mostly to illustrate my sermons (I’m a preacher). Thanks for your help over the years.

  —Jeff S.

  I’m near the end of this book and I’m eagerly awaiting the next one.

  —Jon L.

  CONTENTS

  Because the BRI understands your reading needs, we’ve divided the contents by length as well as subject.

  Short—a quick read

  Medium—2 to 3 pages

  Long—for those extended visits, when something a little more involved is required

  *Extended—for those leg-numbing experiences

  ACTUAL & FACTUAL

  Short

  Nailed It!

  The Naked Tooth

  What the Fact?

  Fun Gun Facts

  The End

  Hamburger Facts

  Medium

  Totally (You)Tubular

  Save Ferris!

  Long

  It’s About Lyme

  BATHROOM NEWS

  Short

  Bathroom Music

  Medium

  Uncle John’s Stall of Fame

  Farts in the News

  Stall of Fame: “The Tinder Poo Date”

  Uncle John’s Stall of Fame

  Extreme Recycling: Bathroom Edition

  Stall of Fame: The “Shady Lady”

  CREATURE FEATURES

  Short

  Weird Animal News

  Moos in the News

  Medium

  Escape From Monkey Island

  Run, Gobi, Run!

  Remember Me

  Animal Invaders

  Historic Horses

  CUSTOMS & SUPERSTITIONS

  Short

  The Sayings of Lao-Tzu

  Happy Bermuda Day!

  Medium

  Today Is What Day?

  The Gävle Goat

  Golden Slumbers

  GOVERN-MENTAL

  Short

  The “Andy Griffith” Show

  Cat-Idates for Public Office

  Medium

  Filibuster? More Like Bladder Buster

  Presidents Who Partook

  Political Animals

  Whatever Happened to Al Smith?

  Presidential Also-Rans

  HISTORY MAKERS

  Short

  The Fatal Glass of Beer

  Medium

  Are You Smart Enough to Work for Edison?

  James the [Bleep!]

  Queen for a Day

  Anne Frank, Reconsidered

  Fat Club

  King Otto the Crazy

  Long

  A Baker to Remember

  Dustbin of History: Chalmers Goodlin

  History’s Wonder Women

  INTERNATIONAL AFFAIRS

  Short

  “Alo! Sollunga!”

  Loonie Canadian Laws

  Medium

  A Whale of a Tale

  Russia 1.0

  Naming Canada

  Weird Canada

  Russia 2.0

  Russian Spy Wars

  Long

  A Long, Strange Trip

  A Long, Strange Trip, Part II

  IT’S A WEIRD WEIRD WORLD

  Short

  “Don’t Eat the Paper”

  A Cure for Insomnia

  Medium

  Spite Houses

  Fright White

  A Week of Naked News

  Ironic, Isn’t It?

  Odd-Time Radio

  Beyond Spite Houses

  Long

  The Kid Who Stayed Up Really Late

  IT’S JUST BUSINESS

  Short

  We Our Workers

  Fish and Pzza

  Medium

  Child Labor Lows

  Last One Standing

  Apollo Insurance Covers

  Real Estate “Holdouts”

  Branded

  Largest American Business Layoffs

  Long

  Thinking Outside (and Inside) the Box

  LANGUAGE & LINGO

  Short

  “I’m Serindipidating”

  Maine Men

  “It’s a Situationship”

  100 Words for Snow

  Just Say No to Chicken Powder

  Medium

  Balance Your Rack

  Talk Pidgin “Talk Story”

  Wiseguys and Whales

  Hen-Scartins with a Chance of Blenky

  Found in Translation

  GOOD SPORTS

  Short

  Sports One-Hit Wonders

  M
edium

  Would You Buy Sneakers from This Man?

  Fighting the Good Fight

  Best Sports Owners

  Sports Lasts

  The International League

  Take Me Out to the Ba’ Game

  MISTAKES WERE MADE

  Short

  Terrible Typos

  Typo-Rrific!

  Medium

  Dude, Where’s My Car?

  Vexed by Texts

  Lost in Space

  Oops!

  Here Comes Boaty McBoatface!

  Sorry, Wrong Number

  Broadway Bombs

  MMM…FOOD

  Short

  Meat-Free

  Vegetables, Schmegetables

  Medium

  Name That Soup

  Food for Thought

  Your 1981 Grocery List

  Food Myths

  Dairy Queen: The “Butter-Cow Lady”

  Name That Soup, Too

  Food That’s Art & Art That’s Food

  MOUTHING OFF

  Short

  Strange Celebrities

  Thoughts from Thurber

  “Just Be Yourself”

  The Jeff Abides

  You’re Fired!

  Wise Women

  Celebrity Advice?

  The Mayor of Flavortown

  Celebrity Wisdom

  More Strange Celebrities

  Medium

  We Are Not a Fan

  ORIGINS

  Short

  You’re My Inspiration

  Card Game Phrase Origins

  Name the Place

  A Girl with Heart

  Medium

  All That and a Bag of Chips

  A Store Is Born

  Classroom Origins

  Sweet History

  The Paper Chase

  Taking It to the Streets

  A Store Is Born, Part 2

  Go Ahead—Have Some More Chips

  POP SCIENCE

  Short

  Danger: Magnetars

  Medium

  Everyday Science

  The Social Life of Trees

  The Fungus Among Us

  Wanted: Planetary Protection Officer

  Missed It by That Much

  Good News

  That’s Very Cool

  Long

  Planet 9 from Outer Space

  The Hunt for “Planet X”

  According to the Latest Research

  POP-POURI

  Short

  Forget Paris

  Uncle John’s Page of Lists

  “Princess Takes a Ballet Class

  By the Numbers Quiz

  Medium

  Q&A: Ask the Experts

  Life in 1948

  PUBLIC LIVES

  Short

  The Occupational Name Quiz

  Medium

  The “Barbra Streisand Effect”

  The Candid Camera Hijacking

  One Last Hit

  Not My Best Work

  It’s About Lyme: Celebrity Edition

  Long

  Twantrums

  The Matilda Effect

  READING & WRITING

  Short

  Stop the Presses!

  Medium

  The Secret Lives of Authors

  The Final Issue

  Writer’s Block!

  Long

  The Princess Letters

  Thou Shalt Read!

  STRANGE CRIME

  Short

  “What’s Your Emergency?”

  Strange Crime: Tattoo Edition

  Medium

  Parking Ticket News

  Pirates of the Front Porch

  Dumb Crooks

  Strange Crime: Selfie-Incrimination

  Strange Crime

  Long

  The Force Is Not Very Strong With This One

  SURVIVAL MODE

  Short

  Safe Spaces

  What Would You Take?

  Medium

  A Good Place to Get Bombed

  Long

  Danger Everywhere!

  Surviving ’17

  Sunk by the Titanic

  TECH-NO

  Short

  “Keep Panicking”

  Medium

  The Last VHS Tape

  Attack of the Drones

  Robots in the News

  DNA Kit Discoveries

  The First Viral Video?

  Pet Tech

  THAT’S DEATH

  Medium

  They Died Onstage

  Murder, He Wrote

  Weird Deaths

  Recipes to Die For

  Too Much of a Good Thing

  Long

  William Henry Harrison, Reconsidered

  How We Die

  THE BIG SCREEN

  Short

  Bottles & Chokers

  Actors Who Direct

  Medium

  For Your Eyes Only

  Star Wars, Starring Jodie Foster

  Not Coming to a Theater Near You

  The Sound of Movies

  You’re a Winner and a Loser

  Attention Earthlings! Warning!

  THE MEDICAL FIELD

  Short

  “Total Loss of Tongue”

  Medium

  The Bumhole Resuscitator

  Rescue Annie

  Strange Tales of Sleepwalking

  Your Mind Is a Sewer

  Miracle Feet

  Never Events

  Long

  A Letter to the Editor

  THE SMALL SCREEN

  Short

  You’ve Been Eliminated

  Television by the Numbers Quiz

  Mmm…Everything

  Medium

  All in the Family

  Big Screen Little Screen

  Watching the Detectives

  Bunkerisms

  The Censored 11

  Life Imitates The Simpsons

  TOYS & GAMES

  Medium

  The ABCs of RPS

  The Minecraft Story

  The Scrabble Scandal

  Toy Origins

  Getting in on the Action (Figures)

  Video Game Lawsuits

  WORDPLAY

  Short

  Gone Coastal

  Groaners

  Turn Left on Ugley

  Horse Jokes

  The Contronyms Quiz

  The Art of the Pharm-Manteau

  Medium

  It’s the Ant’s Pants!

  “Two Chickens to Paralyze”

  Don’t Call It That

  ANSWERS

  As a matter of fact…

  GREETINGS, FELLOW

  TRIVIA HOUNDS!

  We’re happy to have you with us for our thirty-first annual edition:

  A while ago, I was talking with some of the info-nerds here at the Bathroom Readers’ Institute about the fact that facts are the building blocks of the Bathroom Reader—the atoms that bind this book series together. But there’s another facet of the fact that I find fascinating: facts are fun! In fact, sharing a few facts here and there can make you sound like a know-it-all without actually having to know it all. (That’s one of Uncle John’s secrets.)

  Quick story: I recently ran in to my old friend Sheila Burns, who asked me what I’m working on these days. “A new Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader,” I told her. “Really?!?” she exclaimed. “How long have you been writing these books?” “Thirty-one years,” I replied. Then came the question I’m asked most often: “Is there even anything new to write about? Haven’t you covered everything?”

  Quite the opposite, Sheila. There’s a whole universe of stuff out there to write about, and our dedicated writers are constantly mining it from books, magazines, newspapers, TV, radio, the Internet. We’re like the Terminator: If there’s an interesting fact out there, we will not stop until we find it, verify it, and share it with you. For example, I just learned that grasshopper meat has four times t
he calcium and twice the iron as beef. (You still won’t get me to eat a bug.) It’s fun facts like that one that earned our previous book, Uncle John’s Old Faithful Bathroom Reader, a Gold Medal at the 2018 Independent Book Publishing Awards, thank you very much.

  I slept through the awards ceremony, so let me thank my rag-tag team right here:

  Gordon Javna

  John Dollison

  Brian Boone

  Jay Newman

  Jahnna Beecham

  Kim Griswell

  Thom Little

  Pablo Goldstein

  Megan Todd

  Brandon Hartley

  Lidija Tomas

  Derek Fairbridge

  John Javna

  J. Carroll

  Trina Janssen

  Jack Mingo

  Rachelle Sparks

  Mighty John Marshall

  Dave Blees

  Cuthbert J. Twillie

  Thomas Crapper

  Year after year, these weirdos amaze me (and Shelia) with their uncanny ability to find not only great material, but fun, new ways to present it. Speaking of which, you’ve no doubt noticed that this edition has some stylish new page styles, and it’s a bit more colorful. Yes, after 30 years, we decided to add blue. (It’s the same color as Mrs. Uncle John’s brown eyes.) Our goal was to spruce up the look while staying true to what we all love about the Bathroom Reader. And there’s a whole lot to love in here:

  •History: Women who were “Queen for a Day,” why the U.S. never adopted the metric system, and a fateful glass of beer that changed the course of American history (hint: President Lincoln’s bodyguard was drinking it during a play).

  •Blunders: The dumb crook who stole some meatballs and was caught “red-faced,” the news typo that reported Lance Armstrong “used rugs,” and the biggest bombs in Broadway history.

  •Strangeness: Cats that ran for public office, trees that use fungi to communicate, a teenager who stayed awake for 11 days, and the bizarre tale of Boaty McBoatface.

  •Good ol’ facts: How a filibuster works, the inside story of Lyme disease, casino lingo, the first viral video, the last VHS tape, and a page of facts about butts.

  Yep, when it comes to finding stuff to write about, I’d say we’re “good to go” for at least another 31 years. As a matter of fact, we’ve already begun mining facts and fun for Bathroom Reader #32.

  Last but not least: Without you—our fans new and old (and Sheila, of course)—there’d be no way we could keep making these books. So thank you for keeping this dream alive.

  As always…Go with the Flow!

  —Uncle John and the BRI Staff

  YOU’RE MY INSPIRATION

  It’s always interesting to find out where the architects of pop culture get their ideas. Some of these may surprise you.

  THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON: When it came time to design the titular character for the 1954 horror classic, director Jack Arnold handed his art department a photo of an Oscar statuette and told them, “If we put a gilled head on this, plus fins and scales, that would look pretty much like the kind of creature we’re trying to get.”