Uncle John's Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader Read online

  Medium

  “Holy Catchphrase, Batman!”

  “Book ’Em Danno”

  “Oh My God, They Killed Kenny!”

  Live From NY, It’s Saturday Night Live

  SNL Part II: On the Air

  SNL Part III: Eddie

  SNL Part IV: “Well Isn’t That Special”

  SNL Part V: Spartans Rule!

  ANSWERS

  Brain Teasers

  What Am I?

  Granny Quiz

  INTRODUCTION

  Here we go again. Can it be a year since we’ve put out a Bathroom Reader? Wait a minute, let me look at the calender. Yes, it’s time for a new edition. Every year we think we’ll never be able to do another book, and every year we do.

  This is our 15th year and, if I do say so myself, we’ve outdone ourselves. Is that immodest of me? Perhaps, but I can’t help it—I think this is a great book. I’ve asked everyone here at the Bathroom Readers’ Institute and they agree: it is immodest of me.

  If this is your first Bathroom Reader, welcome to our family. If you’re one of our loyal readers, it’s good to have you back. You’re the reason we keep writing these books. Of course, we love researching and writing—it gives us an excuse to keep learning about, say, shrunken heads (page 291)—but knowing you’re out there, loving what we do, is the real payoff for us. How do we know you’re out there? We get enthusiastic letters of support every day. Thanks… keep ’em coming and let us know what you’d like to see us write about.

  Speaking of that, this year we’ve included a bunch of articles our readers have been asking for: the Origin of Video Games, the History of Professional Wrestling, and stories of the Stanley Cup to mention a few. And here are some more great ones you’ll find in the book: Number Two’s Wild Ride (that’s from John D), Saturday Night Live (that’s by Jay), The Opossum (Little Thom), Death of a Princess (from Jim) and the San Francisco Earthquake (by Janet).

  Some notes:

  • First of all, this book wouldn’t be possible without the gargantuan efforts of the BRI team (thank you Jennifer, thank you Jeff, thank you Jay, Julia, John, and Thom—great job, everybody).

  • There are a few articles which may look familiar to BRI stalwarts. We’ve revisited a couple of topics from previous Bathroom Readers; expanding on what we wrote about eleven or twelve (or thirteen) years ago. We are not repeating ourselves. We are not repeating ourselves.

  • Joyous news! We just had a baby…book. It’s Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader For Kids Only (shameless plug). Over the years we’ve gotten so many letters from young readers that we decided to do a book just for them.

  • A special thanks to Terry Budden. We put out the word that we were looking for articles by any BRI members who were “experts.” Beyond our expectations, Terry sent us a great article he wrote about the town of Gander, Newfoundland. Are you an expert on something? Let us know at www.bathroomreader.com (second shameless plug).

  Well, that’s all for now. The book’s done (we always write the introduction last), it will soon be off to the printer and we’re all ready for hibernation (translation: we’re taking the weekend off). See you next year.

  And as always, remember,

  Go with the Flow!

  Uncle John and the BRI Staff

  P. S. Did we mention our website: www.bathroomreader.com?

  YOU’RE MY INSPIRATION

  It’s always fascinating to find out where the architects of pop culture get their ideas from. These may surprise you.

  VULCAN HAND SALUTE. Leonard Nimoy invented this for Mr. Spock during the filming of a Star Trek episode. The gesture was borrowed from the Jewish High Holiday services. The Kohanim (priests) bless the congregation by extending “the palms of both hands…with thumbs outstretched and the middle and ring fingers parted.” Nimoy used the same gesture for Spock, only with one hand.

  SNOOPY. Based on the black-and-white dog that Peanuts creator Charles Schulz owned when he was 13 years old. The real dog’s name was Spike, which Schulz used as the name of Snoopy’s brother.

  SAVING PRIVATE RYAN. Steven Spielberg’s WWII drama was inspired by a real-life story: A few weeks after D-Day, Sergeant Fritz Niland learned that his three older brothers had been killed in action. Army policy states that no family should suffer the loss of more than two sons, so, over Niland’s protests, he was sent home.

  ANIMAL (the Muppets’ drummer). Apparently Jim Henson was a rock ’n’ roll fan. He based the out-of-control drummer on another out-of-control drummer: The Who’s Keith Moon.

  COSMO KRAMER. While Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld were laying the groundwork for Seinfeld, David’s eccentric neighbor, Kenny Kramer, would often pop in and bug them. Just like his TV counterpart, Kramer had no real job but dabbled in schemes and inventions (he patented glow-in-the-dark jewelry). “Unlike the TV Kramer,” says Kenny, “my hairbrained schemes work.”

  DR. EVIL. Mike Myers’s inspiration for Austin Powers’s archenemy comes from the James Bond villain, Blofeld, in You Only Live Twice. But Dr. Evil’s famous mannerism comes from a 1979 photograph of Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards. It shows the rocker “in the exact pinky-biting pose favored by Dr. Evil.”

  Monday is the only day of the week that has an anagram: dynamo.

  COURT TRANSQUIPS

  The verdict is in! Court transcripts make some of the best bathroom reading there is. These were actually said, word for word, in a court of law.

  Judge: I know you, don’t I?

  Defendant: Uh, yes.

  Judge: Alright, how do I know you?

  Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?

  Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.

  Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.

  Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?

  Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.

  Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.Juror: That’s not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth, too.

  Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.

  Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.

  Judge: What does the “Colonel” stand for?

  Defendant: Well, it’s kinda like the “Honorable” in front of your name—not a damn thing.

  Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense?

  Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?

  Plaintiff’s Lawyer: What doctor treated you for the injuries you sustained while at work?

  Plaintiff: Dr. J.

  Plaintiff’s Lawyer: And what kind of physician is Dr. J?

  Plaintiff: Well, I’m not sure, but I remember that you said he was a good plaintiff’s doctor.

  Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

  Q: Do you have any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted-murder trial?

  A: The victim lived.

  Q: You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

  Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?

  Judge: I’d hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.

  Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?

  Judge: I can’t do anything about that. There’s no law against thinking.

  Defendant: In that case, I think you’re a son of a bitch.

  It takes 4,000 grains of sugar to fill a teaspoon.

  HUMAN HAILSTONES

  Hailstones are formed when ice crystals in a thunderhead are tossed around, gathering successive coats of ice. But people can get caught in thunderheads, too.

  THE PILOT

  In 1959 Lt. Col. William Rankin bailed out of his single-engine plane when the engine failed at 47,000 feet above Virginia. A storm was in progress, and he fell right through the middle of it. It would normally take a man 13 minutes to fall 47,000 feet, but Rankin got caught in
the updrafts and remained aloft for 45 minutes. He tumbled about in –70° temperatures, covered with ice and sleet, his body bruised by hailstones. Fortunately, his parachute opened at 10,000 feet and he landed intact in a tree in North Carolina, 65 miles from where he’d bailed out. He made a complete recovery.

  THE GLIDERS

  In 1930 a German glider society held an exhibition. Five glider pilots flew into a towering thunderhead hoping to set new altitude records by using the updrafts. But the updrafts were more than they had counted on—the gliders were torn to pieces by the violent winds. The pilots bailed out but were carried to the upper regions of the cloud, where they were coated by ice. All but one froze to death before finally falling to the ground.

  THE PARACHUTIST

  In 1975 Mike Mount jumped from a plane 4,500 feet over Maryland, expecting a two-minute fall to Earth. Although thunderstorms were building, Mount had over 400 jumps under his belt and thought he could steer himself through the clouds. He couldn’t. He was sucked into the storm and pulled up to 10,000 feet. The storm swept him up and dropped him again and again. He debated whether to cut himself free of his main chute and freefall through the storm, relying on his reserve chute to save him. But he wasn’t sure he’d be able to see the ground approaching. Finally the storm released its grip and he landed, cold but unharmed, nine miles from his intended drop zone. His wild ride had lasted 30 minutes.

  Mars attacks: In 1911 a meteor from Mars fell to Earth in Nakhla, Egypt, killing a dog.

  PENNY WISE

  Some people collect coins; Uncle John collects trivia about coins.

  Abraham Lincoln was the first president to be depicted on a U.S. coin, a penny issued in 1909. The penny is the only U.S. coin where the person faces right instead of left.

  Why was the Lincoln penny issued beginning in 1909?To commemorate the 100th anniversary of Abraham Lincoln’s birth.

  When the Citizens Bank of Tenino, Washington, closed on December 5, 1931, the town was without ready cash to do business, so denominations of 25 cents, 50 cents, and $1 were printed on threeply Sitka spruce wood, the first wooden money issued as legal tender in the U.S.

  Spanish doubloons were legal tender in the United States until 1857.

  Until 1965, pennies were legal tender only up to 25 cents. A creditor couldn’t be forced to accept more than 25 pennies in payment of a debt. Silver coins were legal tender for amounts not exceeding $10 in any one payment.

  The 1921 Alabama Centennial half-dollar was the first U.S. coin designed by a woman, Laura Gardin Fraser.

  During World War II, the United States minted pennies made of steel to conserve copper for making artillery shells.

  Booker T. Washington was the first African American to be depicted on a U.S. coin, a half-dollar issued in 1946.

  Codfish were depicted on many of the early coins of the infant United States from 1776 to 1778.

  The first U.S. cent, which was the size of today’s 50-cent piece, was coined in 1793. In 1856 the Mint produced the first penny of today’s size.

  In 1932 Congress issued a commemorative coin—the Washington quarter—to celebrate the 200th birthday of George Washington. The quarter was intended to be used for only one year, but it was so popular that it was continued as a regular-issue coin from 1934 on.

  Rule of thumb: your thumbnail grows more slowly than any of your fingernails.

  OOPS!

  Everyone enjoys reading about someone else’s blunders. So go ahead and feel superior for a few minutes.

  CUT IT OUT!

  “Lyn Thomas was working on a home-improvement project when he cut through a gas main, requiring the entire street to be evacuated. Moments after the gas engineers left, he went back to work…and promptly broke a water main, flooding his and his neighbor’s properties.”

  —U.K. Mirror

  GETS RID OF PLAQUE

  “A plaque intended to honor deep-voiced actor James Earl Jones at Lauderhill, Florida’s 2002 celebration of Martin Luther King Day, caused city officials incredible embarrassment. Somehow the plaque’s maker inscribed this extremely incorrect message:

  ‘Thank you James Earl Ray for keeping the dream alive.’

  “Ray was the man convicted of assassinating King in Memphis, Tennessee, in 1968.”

  —ABCNews.com

  WHAT A TANGLED WEB WE WEAVE

  “A married couple in Beijing, China, ended up brawling after realizing they had unwittingly courted each other over the Internet. After a month of secret online flirting, the man arranged to meet up with his mystery girlfriend, only to discover it was actually his wife. He had known only her user name, I Want You.

  “They each agreed to carry a certain newspaper to identify themselves, but were shocked when they came face to face and started fighting in the street. Passersby eventually alerted security guards, who had to separate the two.”

  —Ananova.com

  TRAVELIN’ LIGHT

  “In 1986 an Orion Airways chartered jetliner took off from Birmingham, England, carrying 100 passengers to the Greek island of Crete. A few minutes into the flight the captain announced the plane had to return to the Birmingham Airport. Technical difficulties? No, they forgot the luggage.”

  —Kickers: All the News That Didn’t Fit

  Fat City: Each employee at Ben & Jerry’s headquarters gets three pints of free ice cream a day.

  DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL

  “It was the law in the ancient Greek city of Amyclae to hold one’s tongue. The Amyclaeans had often panicked when they heard rumors that the powerful Spartan army was coming, so to put an end to defeatism, a law was passed forbidding rumors. Violators were to be executed.

  “When the Spartans actually did appear, no one had the courage to report it, and the city was overcome without a fight.”

  —Amazing Lost History

  A TAXING EXPERIENCE

  “Eager to spread the word of the Bush administration’s $1.3 trillion tax cut in 2001, the IRS sent more than half a million notices to taxpayers informing them they were going to receive the maximum possible tax cut refund check…when in fact they weren’t.

  “Officials placed the blame on a computer program. ‘What we’re doing now,’ the IRS announced when the goof was discovered, ‘is working to get a corrected notice out to the taxpayers—all 523,000 of them.’”

  —The Denver Post

  GOIN’ BATTY

  “A man trying to warn sleeping relatives about a fire in their garage at 4:00 in the morning was mistaken for a burglar and beaten with an aluminum baseball bat. Police said Joe Leavitt of Florence, Alabama, who was visiting his parents, suffered bruises to the back and a gash to the head that required stitches.”

  — MSNBC

  CAN’T PULL THE WOOL OVER THEIR EYES

  “According to British researchers, five years of studying sheep brains to determine if mad cow disease may have jumped species must now be thrown out because someone mislabeled the brains. They were studying cow brains the whole time.”

  —“The Edge,” The Oregonian

  Smallest, shallowest ocean on Earth: The Arctic Ocean.

  “HERE SPEECHING AMERICAN”

  Let’s face it: English can be pretty tough to grasp, especially if it’s not your first language. Uncle John gives the authors of these signs and labels an “A” for affort.

  In an Austrian ski lodge:

  Not to perambulate the corridors in the house of repose in the boots of ascension.

  In a Japanese hotel room:

  Please to Bathe inside the tub.

  From a chopstick wrapper in a Chinese restaurant:

  Can you eat with chopsticks Doctor told us / Be intell / eat by using chopsticks / Lots of people use chopsticks / So try eat your chopsticks / Right Now!

  Air conditioner directions in a Japanese hotel room:

  Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

  Outside a Russian monastery:

  You a
re welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

  In a Finland hostel:

  If you cannot reach a fire exit, close the door and expose yourself at the window.

  In a Copenhagen airport:

  We take your bags and send them in all directions.

  From a Majorcan (Spain) shop entrance:

  Here speeching American.

  Warning label on Chinese lint-cleaning roller:

  1. Do not use this roller to the floorings that made of wood and plastic.

  2. Do not use this roller to clean the stuffs that dangerous to your hands such as glass and chinaware.

  3. Do not use the roller to people’s head, it is dangerous that hair could be sticked up to cause unexpected suffering.

  In a Nairobi restaurant:

  Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.

  But can it shoot a basket? A bison can jump as high as six feet off the ground.

  FAMILIAR PHRASES

  We’re back with one of our regular features. Here are the origins of some common phrases.

  TO TRIP THE LIGHT FANTASTIC

  Meaning: To dance

  Origin: “Coined by English author John Milton, best known for his 1667 masterpiece, Paradise Lost. Milton’s poem ‘L’Allegro’—which means the cheerful or merry one—was written in 1631. He writes: ‘come, and trip it as ye go / On the light fantastic toe.’” (From Inventing English, by Dale Corey)

  TO FEEL GROGGY