Uncle John's Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader Read online

  OUR “REGULAR” READERS RAVE!

  “Your books are the greatest I have ever read. The eternal struggle for reading material has finally been quenched!”

  —Tucker J.

  “Thank you for the Bathroom Readers. I no longer have to read the backs of my shampoo bottles. My husband and I read so much in the bathroom that we refer to it as ‘the study’. ”

  —Charissa A.

  “I’ve constructed a special shrine for my Bathroom Readers. I heard that people spend about ten months in the throne room during their lifetime. I’m sure, thanks to you, I’ll spend a couple of years.”

  —William F.

  “I want to thank you for the reply to my email. Even though I feel that my life is as exciting as they come, I was tremendously pleased when I checked my email and found that it was a personal reply. It makes me love the BRI even more.”

  —Steve S.

  “I found your website very commodious—quite easy to get a handle on. Frankly, I was bowled over, flushed actually, and almost fell off my stool when I discovered that Vol. 6 was not the end of your roll. I could barely keep the lid down! And the new books seem to have twice as many sheets as the prior ones—a seemingly endless supply of two-ply reading if ever there was one! Thank God there’s Uncle John to float us through tough times.”

  —Uncle Harry Jr.

  “I love the Bathroom Readers…I take them everywhere I go. Before I found the BRI, I was unpopular with the ladies; now that I’m a walking font of knowledge, they can’t keep their hands off me. Thanks!”

  —Dwayne R.

  “I was shopping and saw your book for the first time. I love trivia so I just threw one in the basket and continued shopping. I thought it would look good in the bathroom.

  “Well, I started to read it and found myself looking forward to going there. Then I started taking it with me to the den. Now, I read it to my husband, and I share your stories with friends. I love the laughter. I love the way you make my mind hungry for more knowledge.”

  —Debora K.

  “Your books are such a CLASSY collection of information. I have become one of your bigger fans. You folks are GREAT!”

  —John D.

  “I love your material. I now have three of your books. Guests coming to my place can’t wait to use the facilities because of your books. In fact, I’m thinking that I might change the color scheme of my bathroom so it doesn’t clash with your books.”

  —Darren McK.

  “Just wanted to tell you I live to read your next book…love you guys! Thanks!”

  —Missy H.

  “I just wanted to let you know that I think the Bathroom Readers are fantastic! My husband got me two for my birthday. And then, being the terrific guy that he is and knowing how much I loved this kind of book, he continued to buy them for me until I owned every one. It’s almost as though these were books written especially for me.”

  —Dafna H.

  “Thank you for making something that makes me want to read. I have a short attention span, but the Bathroom Readers keep me reading. I’m on my third book! They’re the only books I’ve been able to read start to finish. I just want to say thank you, and please, don’t stop making books.”

  —Michelle F.

  Uncle John’s

  Ahh-Inspiring

  Bathroom

  Reader

  By the

  Bathroom Readers’

  Institute

  Bathroom Readers’ Press

  Ashland, Oregon

  UNCLE JOHN’S AHH-INSPIRING

  BATHROOM READER®

  Copyright © 2002 by the Bathroom Readers’ Press (a division of Portable Press). All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

  “Bathroom Reader” and “Bathroom Readers’ Institute” are registered trademarks of Baker & Taylor.

  All rights reserved.

  For information, write

  The Bathroom Readers’ Institute

  P.O. Box 1117, Ashland, OR 97520

  www.bathroomreader.com

  541-488-4642

  Cover design by Michael Brunsfeld,

  San Rafael, CA ([email protected])

  BRI “technician” on back cover: Larry Kelp

  Uncle John’s

  Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader®

  by The Bathroom Readers’ Institute

  ISBN-13: 978-1-60710-462-9

  E-book edition: November 2011

  “Once you can accept the universe as matter

  expanding into nothing that is something,

  wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.”

  —Albert Einstein

  “Parliamentary Manners” by Scott Feschuk, Paul Mather, and Peter McBain as “Ask Miss Parliamentary Manners” in the National Post: This Week In Review, April 27, 2002. © National Post. Reprinted with permission.

  “How to Toilet Train Your Cat” by Karawynn Long, found on her website www.karawynn.net/mishacat/toilet.

  “Buried Treasure in the U.S.” from THE PEOPLE’S ALMANAC © 1975 by David Wallechinsky and Irving Wallace. Reprinted with the kind permission of the authors.

  Here are a few books the BRI’s Throne Room would be empty without:

  Lies Across America, by James W. Loewen, and author of the bestselling Lies My Teacher Told Me. Copyright © 1999.

  An Underground Education, by Richard Zacks. Copyright © 1997 by Richard Zacks.

  Joke Stew: 1,349 More Hilarious Servings from Today’s Hottest Comedians, edited by Judy Brown. Copyright © 2000.

  It’s a Conspiracy! by the National Insecurity Council, Copyright 1992 by Michael Litchfield; published by EarthWorks Press.

  What’s the Number for 911? by Leland Gregory III Copyright © 2000. Andrews & McMeel Publishing.

  A special thanks to some regular readers for submitting good stuff:

  Max L. Israel

  Sera Kirk

  Gavin Sheehan

  Joel & Wendy McNeil

  Dean Bliss

  Mike Schuster

  Adam Brucker

  Jonathan Gewirtz

  Charles Surine

  Roger Shaheen

  David Whitman

  Dee & Kellar Smith

  Chris O’Rourke

  Joe Gayeski

  Janet K. Behning

  Patte Rosebank

  Aaron Allermann

  Glen & Janese Granholm

  THANK YOU!

  The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely

  thanks the people whose advice and

  assistance made this book possible.

  Gordon Javna

  John Dollison

  Jennifer & Zipper

  Jeff Altemus

  Jay Newman

  Julia Papps

  Thom Little

  Sharilyn Hovind

  Michael Brunsfeld

  Janet Spencer

  Lori Larson

  Sam Javna

  Jim McCluskey

  Maggie Javna

  Jeff Cheek

  Jesse Clark

  Sharon Freed

  Jess Brallier

  Bryan Henry

  Gideon Javna

  Angela Kern

  Allen Orso

  Georgine Lidell

  Dylan Drake

  Bernadette Baillie

  Paul Stanley

  Jenny Baldwin

  Barb Porsche

  Paula Leith

  John Javna

  Mike Nicita

  Claudia Bauer

  H
azel Daniels

  Teri Morin

  William Coleman

  Pat Perrin

  Mustard Press

  Scarab Media

  Porter the Wonder Dog

  Sydney Stanley

  Marley & Catie Pratt

  Thomas Crapper

  KBRX Radio, for their part of this insanity: Scott Poese and Nicole Kennedy, Dog House Morning Show

  “My life has no purpose, no direction, no meaning, and yet I’m happy. I can’t figure it out. What am I doing right?”

  Charles M. Schulz

  Hiya Sophie! Hiya Jessie!

  CONTENTS

  Because the BRI understands your reading needs, we’ve divided the contents by length as well as subject.

  Short—a quick read

  Medium—2 to 3 pages

  Long—for those extended visits, when something a little more involved is required

  *Extended—for those leg-numbing experiences

  BATHROOM NEWS

  Short

  Uncle John’s Medicine Cabinet

  Medium

  Uncle John’s Stall of Fame

  Space Bathroom Alpha

  Plumbers By the Hour

  Pit Stops on the World Wide Web

  Bathroom News

  Long

  Number Two’s Wild Ride

  How to Toilet Train Your Cat

  Pay As You Go

  MYTH-AMERICA

  Medium

  Urban Legends

  “A Good Example Is the Best Sermon”

  Long

  *Buried Treasure

  CUSTOMS & SUPERSTITIONS

  Short

  Wedding Superstitions

  Happy Holidays

  Future Imperfect

  Domino Theory

  Medium

  Roll the Dice

  Your Food Persona

  AMERICANA

  Short

  Penny Wise

  Medium

  When the Big One Hit

  After the Quake: The Heroes

  Long

  After the Quake: The Fire War

  Does Your Couch Have Hairy Paws?

  ANIMALS

  Short

  Shark Attack!

  Pet Me

  Good Dog

  Bad Dog

  Medium

  Amazing Animals: The Opossum

  Did You Know That Bees…

  What’s All the Buzz About?

  Humans of the Sea

  A BLUNDERFUL LIFE

  Short

  Oops!

  Desperately Seeking Approval

  Medium

  Oops!

  Uncle John’s “Creative Teaching” Awards

  Opening Lines

  Dumb Crooks

  Oops!

  Dumb Crooks

  More Opening Lines

  MOUTHING OFF

  Short

  Great Scott!

  Cliff’s Notes

  Don’t!

  Writing On the Wall

  Shakes’s Takes

  Homer VS. Homer

  Just Joshing

  Smarty Pants

  The Miracle Worker

  Salman Rushdie

  Freedom’s Voice

  Sage of the Sixties

  In My Expert Opinion

  Napoleon’s Code

  Disraeli, Really

  Smart Alecks

  FORGOTTEN HISTORY

  Short

  Old History, New Theory

  Old History, New Theory

  So You Want to Win a Nobel Prize

  A Light in the Night

  Name That City

  Medium

  Old History, New Theory

  Queen of the Jail

  The King of Cotton

  Greetings From Earth

  The Cotton War

  Long

  The Rest of the U.S.

  The “American System”

  An Explosive Idea

  For Posterity’s Sake

  *The Rest of the Rest of the U.S.

  CANADIANA

  Short

  A Note From Gander

  Medium

  Weird Canada

  Parliamentary Manners

  No Can(ada) Do

  Gander

  BUSINESS

  Medium

  Promotions That Backfired

  Special Tips For Hiring Women

  Caught In the Act

  What’s On eBay

  Funny Business

  Memorable Moments in Marketing

  Long

  As Seen On TV

  FOOD FOR THOUGHT

  Short

  Canned Delicacy

  Medium

  Flunking the Pepsi Challenge

  Banana Peels

  Long

  An A-Peel-ing History

  THE REEL STUFF

  Short

  Hard Boiled

  Medium

  “I Spy”…At the Movies

  Great Story…Just Change the Ending

  Video Treasures

  Box Office Bloopers

  Long

  The Cost of War (Movies)

  *Rediscovered Treasure: Buster Keaton

  TOYS/AMUSEMENTS

  Short

  It’s Slinky, It’s Slinky

  The Saga of Silly Putty

  The Magic Screen

  Medium

  The World’s First Video Game

  Video Game Hall of Fame

  Long

  Let’s play Spacewar!

  Let’s Play Pong!

  The Rise and Fall of Atari

  Mr. Gameboy

  Let’s Play Nintendo!

  MUSIC

  Short

  Elvis By the Numbers

  Medium

  International Elvis

  Behind the Hits

  Long

  Has Anyone Seen My Stradivarious?

  Secrets of the Stradivarius

  Elvis By the Numbers

  LAW & ORDER

  Short

  Court Transquips

  Underworld Lingo

  The Godmother

  Phone Phunnies

  Looney Laws

  Phoning It In

  Medium

  Strange Lawsuits

  Lemme Explain…

  Did the Punishment Fit the Crime?

  Benched!

  Strange Lawsuits

  Benched!

  LIFE IS STRANGE

  Short

  It’s a Weird, Weird World

  Amazing Coincidences

  The Incredible Shrinking Heads

  A Room With a Fish

  It’s a Weird, Weird World

  Amazing Coincidences

  Medium

  Amazing Luck

  Nature’s Revenge

  It’s a Weird, Weird World

  CONSPIRACY!

  Short

  A Famous Phony

  A Famous Phony

  Medium

  Smells Like…Murder

  Long

  Death of a Princess

  ORIGINS

  Short

  You’re My Inspiration

  Around the House

  One Good Turn Deserves Another

  Medium

  Mothers of Invention

  Fads

  Lost Inventions

  Patently Absurd

  The World’s First Disposable Diaper

  Long

  I Want to Ride My Bicycle I

  I Want to Ride My Bicycle II

  I Want to Ride My Bicycle III

  Microcars

  MYTHS & LEGENDS

  Short

  The Ant and the Pigeon

  Myth-Conceptions

  Medium

  The Tiger, the Brahman and the Jackal

  How The People Got Beer

  The Legend of Lincoln’s Ghost

  Cruel Crane Outwitted

  Long

  Stranded!

  PHRASES & WORD ORIGINS

&nbs
p; Short

  Familiar Phrases

  Twist Me Dizzy

  Familiar Phrases

  Medium

  Familiar Phrases

  Word Origins

  Word Origins

  Word Origins

  POP SCIENCE

  Short

  Human Hailstones

  Ask the Experts

  Medium

  Ask the Experts

  Invasion of the Frankenfish

  Love at First Sight?

  Rainforest Crunch

  Ask the Experts

  Mother Nature Is Out to Get You

  POP-POURRI

  Short

  Is This Brain Loaded?

  Uncle John’s Page of Lists

  You Ain’t Got It, Kid

  Know Your Ologies

  The World’s Worst…

  Tee-Shirt Wisdom

  It’s Greek to Me

  The Granny Quiz

  Medium

  Lucky Finds

  New Vietnam

  Underwear in the News

  Houdini’s Secrets

  Long

  *A Restless Night

  PUBLIC LIVES

  Short

  Celebrity Favorites

  Sorry Charlie

  Medium

  Famous for 15 Minutes

  Celeb Lawsuits

  Harry’s Headlines

  Famous for 15 Minutes

  THAT’S DEATH!

  Short

  Epitaphs

  My Body Lies Over the Ocean

  They Went That-A-Way

  Medium

  The Final Days of King Charles II

  My Body Lies Over the Ocean

  My End is Near

  Long

  TheyWent That-A-Way

  Death…It’s A Living

  Where There’s a Will…

  POLITICS

  Short

  Weird Sentences

  Politalks

  Trust Me…

  Trust Me…

  Medium

  Democracy In Action

  Over My Dead Chicken

  D.C. Follies

  D.C. Follies

  WORDPLAY

  Short

  “Here Speeching American”

  Brainteasers

  What Am I?

  If They Married

  Holy Punctuation

  Headlines

  Free Pork with House

  Warning Labels

  No City Dust Here

  Wonton? Not Now

  Tom Swifties

  For Sale, Buy Owner

  Redundancies

  Fictionary

  Yah-hah! Evil Spider Woman

  BE A SPORT

  Short

  Golf Flubs

  Cartwheel Kicks

  Medium

  He Slud Into Third

  It’s a Racket

  Wrestling Lingo

  The Man in the Mask

  Long

  Lord Stanley’s Cup

  The Strange Trail of the Stanley Cup

  The Legend of Gorgeous George

  TV OR NOT TV

  Short

  The Professor’s “Inventions”