Uncle John's Bathroom Reader Golden Plunger Awards Read online

Perhaps an even bigger inspiration, though, came from the year Whelan spent living near a missile testing site in White Sands, New Mexico. The teenager was awe-struck by the rockets as they emerged from the desert landscape and trailed off into the haze. “It was always thrilling to watch them go up,” he recalled, “and sometimes blow up!” The missile tests helped to plant the seed for the strange new worlds he’d eventually create. But what about the creatures that live in those worlds?

  Whelan began to perfect those when he studied art at San Jose State University in the early 1970s. In addition to taking the traditional art classes, he spent a lot of time learning anatomy in the physiology department. Among his duties: building skeletons out of piles of bones and preparing cadavers for medical tests. He gained extensive knowledge of the human body . . . in all its gory detail. “You have to learn to draw the real before you can turn it into fantasy,” Whelan advises.

  MORE THAN JUST A PRETTY (STRANGE) PICTURE

  It didn’t take long for Whelan to get noticed—he illustrated his first book cover in 1975 and by ‘80 was among the most renowned genre artists in the world. So what exactly is it that makes Whelan’s work stand out? Lots of conceptual artists have created some bizarre worlds, but Whelan tries to take it a step further. Whether he’s drawing humans or aliens, he goes for what he calls “imaginative realism.” In an otherwise otherworldly picture, the viewer must be able to identify with something, be it the sadness of the heroine or the courage of a winged beast flying into a fiery horizon. The “realism” aspect comes into play in his landscapes as well: Whelan must first learn everything about the universe where his image will take place before he can fill in the tiny part he has to paint. And although these universes may be pure fantasy, each one must adhere to its own specific set of rules.

  It’s that combination of intricate detail and recognizable emotion that has touched so many people, much in the same way the grit and dirt on the space ships in the original Star Wars film helped the audience believe those really were ships in space. That same quality holds true for Whelan’s art: Look at one of his images and you can almost imagine him standing on a cliff in the foreground furiously painting the action before it flies away—or the soft, ethereal light before it vanishes.

  THE ARTIST’S WAY

  Whelan will be the first to say that these creations do not come easily: When commissioned to illustrate a book cover, he goes through a lengthy process. First, he’ll read the entire book “two or three times” before creating sample drawings that he sends off to the author. It’s always a collaborative effort, but much of what he paints “must come straight from my own mind.”

  And like it is with most painters, these elaborate images aren’t completely created from nothing. Over the years, Whelan’s traveled extensively and has taken thousands of photographs of landscapes, castles, and sunsets that he uses for reference. He’s also collected thousands more images that chronicle everything from armor to animals to airplanes. For the humans who inhabit his worlds, Whelan uses models—either himself (via a self-portrait photo in the desired pose), or more often, friends or even fashion models who don elaborate costumes and pose for him. Then, using mostly oil paints and some acrylics (and these days, computers), Whelan hunkers down in his studio in Danbury, Connecticut, and gets to work on his next masterpiece.

  R-E-S-P-E-C-T

  Yet no matter how hard Whelan works or how many accolades and awards he receives, one thing has eluded him for a long time: respect as a true “artiste.” Technically speaking, Whelan has spent the bulk of his career working as an illustrator for hire, an artist who is commissioned to create visual representations of other people’s ideas. But over the last decade or so, Whelan has been trying to broaden his horizons. “There has been a deep-seated bias against illustration in the fine art world for a long time, but there are signs that it is easing somewhat,” he said in 2007. “It probably had more to do with the fact that most illustrators worked realistically than for any other reason. Now that Realism seems to be on the rebound, the barriers against illustrators seem to be lifting a little. Just think of all the famous American artists who began as illustrators: Winslow Homer, Edward Hopper, Remington, Parrish, Andy Warhol, to name a few.” Will Michael Whelan’s name be added to that list of famous artists some day? Only time will tell, but he’ll definitely always be known as the most successful illustrator of fantasy and science fiction at the turn of the 21st century. For now, though, all he really wants to do is keep on painting.

  DOING IT HIS WAY

  Now in his late 50s, Whelan has stopped taking on commissioned works altogether, preferring to create worlds from the depths of his own mind. Although he says he “couldn’t care less if they are ‘accepted’ or not,” the bulk of these new pieces have been. “I’m in the happy but awkward position of selling most of my personal work,” he admits. Still, Whelan realizes that he is in the minority of sci fi and fantasy illustrators trying to break into fine art galleries. Perhaps his success, along with the ever-changing tastes in popular art, will inspire the younger generation of fantasy painters to start branching out as well. Could an “Imaginative Realism” artistic movement be just around the corner?

  Whelan doesn’t know. His only worry, at this point in his life, is having enough time to paint all of the worlds he has imagined. “Much has been written by artists on the ‘fear of the blank canvas,’ but I have the opposite problem—I have too many ideas.”

  So one more won’t hurt, will it? How about a surreal alien landscape, its flowing valleys dotted all the way to the horizon with porcelain monoliths . . . and floating high above it all in the azure sky—a shiny, golden plunger. (Mr. Whelan, if you happen to be reading this: hint, hint.)

  “Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters; united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels.”

  —Francisco Goya, Spanish painter (1746–1828)

  THE MAKING FACES AWARD

  Forensic Artists

  Re-creating a human face from minimal remains may seem

  impossible, but to forensic artists, it is an art and a science . . .

  and their livelihood. The results of the painstaking process—

  putting together clues to reconstruct a face—are astounding.

  A NEW KIND OF ARTIST

  In matters of history or crime, forensic artists are helping us see the unknown. Typically, they’re brought in as a last resort, when clues to a crime have dried up and the victim is unknown.

  Their work is also helpful in happier situations. The physical appearance of a historical figure who never had a portrait painted or photograph taken is a mystery to us. But now forensic artists can help fill in the blanks.

  IDENTITY THEFT

  Police know they can’t expect exact replicas of a deceased person’s face without any other evidence—that can be virtually impossible. But they hope the artist can reconstruct enough visual details so that someone who knew the victim will be able to identify him or her. In the United States alone, there are an estimated 40,000 unidentified human remains.

  In the event of a major explosion, fire, or other catastrophic event, faces may be blown off. All that’s left to analyze are bones or other body fragments. Forensic artists fill in the details.

  Forensic artists are also the ones police call on to age existing photographs to determine what a person might look like years from now. This technique is often used for children who have been missing for years.

  PUTTING IT TOGETHER

  Without a skull, forensic artists can’t do much to re-create a face. But even an incomplete or badly damaged skull is a start. First, the forensic artist must rebuild the skull using modeling wax. A 1996 study at the University of Manchester determined that skulls can be re-created even if significant parts, such as the occipital bone, are missing. No one’s skull is exactly symmetrical, but most are close enough. So mirror imaging (mirroring one side of the face after the other side) can be used to fill
in blanks. (The mandible is the only bone whose absence can cause significant discrepancies in a re-created skull.) The success of the study led forensic artists to call the entire process the Manchester Method of Facial Reconstruction.

  A complex look at the angle and shape of each part of the skull helps the artist determine the shape of the face, pointing to whether the deceased had a round, oval, or square face. Microscopic examination of the pieces of the skull can show scientists where the hairline was (hair follicles cause roughness on the bone), and even forehead creases can be seen based on muscular attachments in the area.

  MATH MAKES THE DIFFERENCE

  Mathematical equations are used to ascertain the shape of the nose. Caroline Wilkinson, in her 2004 book Forensic Facial Reconstruction , notes, “The width of the nasal aperture, at its widest point, is three-fifths of the overall width of the nose (at its widest point).” She further explains how to figure out the overall shape and size of the nose based on evidence found in the skull tissue. “A straight, thin nose usually has a weak glabella [the smooth space between the eyebrows],” she notes. A broad nose will show through “broad rounded nasal bones with simple contours and a bell shape.” The nasal aperture will even show how far apart the nostrils were.

  Dental analysis of the skull shows the thickness of the lips and the width of the mouth. The biggest missing details of the face are hair and eye color. Without any DNA evidence, they are difficult to determine.

  Forensic artists earn up to $2,000 per skull they re-create. It takes about two weeks for them to do their job.

  PUTTING A HUMAN FACE ON THE PAST

  Similar research has led to the re-creation of famous historical figures’ faces. In 2005, French scientists were able to develop a bust of King Tut’s head by analyzing 3-D CT scans of the boy king’s skull. (For more about Tut, turn to page 164.) In September of that same year, forensics experts also began making models of George Washington’s face at three different ages—19, 45, and 57, three pivotal moments of his life (when he became a major in the Virginia militia; when he fought at Valley Forge; and when he became the first president of the United States, respectively). Washington was 67 when he died, so the team reversed the aging technology to depict his image throughout these important years of his life.

  Ongoing efforts to improve facial forensics may mean the world will deal with fewer cold cases, fewer mysteries will be left unsolved, and fewer of the missing or deceased will remain unknown. Forensic artists will continue to put a human face on the past.

  NO THANKS

  • In 1964, Jean-Paul Sartre (Nausea, No Exit) won the Nobel Prize for Literature. He turned it down, stating, “A writer must refuse to allow himself to be transformed into an institution, even if it takes place in the most honorable form.”

  • Russian novelist Boris Pasternak (Doctor Zhivago) was awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1958, but had to turn it down because he feared that if he went to Stockholm, Sweden, to receive the prize, the Soviet Union would strip him of his citizenship.

  • Sinclair Lewis, one of the most popular novelists in the United States in the early 20th century (Elmer Gantry, Main Street), was awarded the Pulitzer Prize in 1926 for Arrowsmith. He turned it down, saying, “The seekers for prizes tend to labor not for inherent excellence but for alien rewards; they tend to write this, or timorously to avoid writing that, in order to tickle the prejudices of a haphazard committee.”

  THE TRADING FACES AWARD

  Extreme Plastic Surgery

  Have you ever seen a movie star that you longer recognize? It turns out that

  plastic surgery can be addictive . . . with some interesting results.

  PLASTIC FANTASTIC

  Facelifts, breast augmentations, liposuction, and rhinoplasty have become commonplace as people try to stave off the appearance of old age. Plastic surgery is now de rigueur not only in Beverly Hills and Manhattan, but also in middle America. According to the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, 11.5 million cosmetic surgical and nonsurgical procedures were performed in 2006. That’s a lot of nipping and tucking.

  But now that a great number of cosmetic surgical procedures have become prevalent, there’s a whole subset of plastic surgery patients who are looking to take the scalpel to a whole new level—an extreme level.

  Animal worship dates back to ancient times. Now, with the advent of modern medical science, humans can worship animals by altering themselves to physically resemble one.

  For example, Austin, Texas-based artist/entertainer Eric Sprague reportedly spent $250,000 on surgery and other body modifications to transform himself into “Lizardman.” To give himself a reptilian appearance, Sprague underwent an estimated 650–700 hours of tattooing, as well as having five Teflon horns implanted above each of his eyes to form horned ridges. Then he had four of his teeth filed into sharp fangs and his tongue bifurcated.

  CAT WOMAN

  Probably the most famous case of animal-inspired extreme plastic surgery, though, is Jocelyn Wildenstein, widely known as “The Cat Lady” or “The Bride of Wildenstein.” Jocelyn Wildenstein is the ex-wife of deceased millionaire art dealer Alec Wildenstein. In 1977, their first date, prophetically enough, took place over a dawn lion hunt in Kenya. Within a year, they were married.

  At some point, perhaps fearing the loss of her husband’s interest, she began a frenzied cycle of cosmetic procedures—collagen injections to her lips, cheeks and chin, along with at least seven facelifts and drastic eye reconstruction surgery. She did it all to appear more feline.

  Needless to say, both her husband and society at large found her new look cat-astrophic. Scandal ensued—involving Mr. Wildenstein and an affair with a Russian fashion model, gunplay, and acrimonious divorce proceedings. Not exactly a purr-fect ending.

  AMERICAN IDOLS

  Plenty of cosmetic surgery candidates enter their doctor’s office asking to have Angelina Jolie’s lips or George Clooney’s chin, but some patients take it too extremes. In 2004, MTV showcased a series entitled I Want a Famous Face, in which everyday people underwent major plastic surgeries in order to resemble celebrities, everyone from Brad Pitt to Carmen Electra. (On the side of sanity, when actress Drew Barrymore learned that a 23-year-old girl was scheduled to appear on the show to undergo procedures to look like her, she contacted the girl directly and convinced her not to go through with the surgeries.)

  Other notable cases of idol insanity include Cindy Jackson, whose childhood fixation on her Barbie doll inspired her to undergo a total of 30 procedures to look like a real-life Barbie. Motivated by Jackson’s transformation, Tim Whitfield-Lynn went through multiple surgeries in order to resemble Barbie’s boyfriend Ken.

  The reigning celebrity queen of extreme cosmetic surgery is most certainly the comedienne Joan Rivers, who has been candid about her many procedures. With her humor (if not her facial muscles) fully intact, Rivers even played up her self-described plastic surgery addiction in a 2008 Geico television commercial in which she delivered the lines, “Am I smiling? I can’t tell! I can’t feel my face!”

  THE “NOW THAT’S UGLY” AWARD

  Ugliest Dog Contest

  With faces only their human mothers could love, these

  pups take the prize for the cutest ugly dogs around.

  TOP OF THE HEAP

  Westminster it’s not, but World’s Ugliest Dog contest in Petaluma, California, has been entertaining dog lovers every June for 20 years. It started as a local summer attraction in 1988 but got so much media attention that now news cameras outnumber entrants, Internet voting climbs to the tens of thousands, and ugly aspirants travel from as far away as Florida to compete. (Winners get trophies, prize money, and the title, of course.) Back in 2006, suspense was especially high because Sam, the champion for three years running, had died at the age of 14, and the field was wide open for the 18 (really bad-looking) contenders. Here’s a look at some of the ugliest winners ever to grace a dog show stage.

  SAM

>   Awards: World’s Ugliest Dog (2003, 2004, 2005)

  Probably the most famous ugly dog, Sam was a 13-pound Chinese crested who was so ugly that his owner, Susie Lockheed, was scared of him when she first brought him home. (He was also so ugly that Japanese TV reporters compared him to Godzilla.) Sam was acne-riddled, blind, warty, and hairless (unless you count the straggly wisps sticking out of his head). He had crooked teeth, a fatty tumor on his chest, and a line of moles down his nose. But Lockheed loved him. Sam came to her as a rescue dog; his original owner lost her pet-friendly apartment and could no longer keep him. Early in their relationship, Lockheed was diagnosed with cancer. Sam slept with her, comforted her, and saw her through chemotherapy, proving that judging an old dog on bad looks is never fair.

  Cuddly side aside, Sam was plenty cranky, and had a fascination with his back leg. To Lockheed, it seemed that he believed there was an imaginary foe attached to his back leg. He’d snarl at it and bite, and whenever she gave him a treat, Sam would keep a close eye on that back leg to make sure it didn’t steal the snack away.

  TATORTOT

  Award: Ugliest Mutt (2005)

  Sam may have gained worldwide fame for his hideousness, but his girlfriend—who is part Chihuahua, part Chinese crested—is pretty ill-favored, too. TatorTot, another dog belonging to Susie Lockheed, never did win the World’s Ugliest title, but she did take Ugliest Mutt honors in 2005. TatorTot has her looks and personality working against her, it seems. She’s only mostly hairless, not nearly as snarly as Sam, and has a tuft of white hair atop her head. Apparently, says Lockheed, TatorTot is just too cute to take home the top prize.