Uncle John's Top Secret Bathroom Reader for Kids Only! Read online




  OUR READERS RAVE

  Some books print fancy reviews written by fancy book critics. Borrring! At the BRI, we care more about what our faithful readers have to say.

  “Hey BRI staff! I think your books are the greatest. I have only one book, but I want more—this is like my fifth time reading it. Thanks for being the best authors!”

  —Jessica G., age 11

  “You people in the BRI are great! I’m 12 years old from the Philippines and I really like your books! I started reading this summer and it really helped me a lot!”

  —Diego de R., age 13

  “I just finished your Bathroom Reader for Kids Only and I must congratulate you! There was so much interesting information! Kudos to Uncle John, Elbow Room, and all the hard workers at the Bathroom Readers’ Institute!”

  —Jonny S, age 11

  “I love your books so much that I find myself giving excuses to use the bathroom! Thank you BRI!”

  —Kate, age 12

  “I love your books! They are really educational. Even my mom reads them! Go with the flow!”

  —Ally, age 10

  “Your books are so awesome. My aunt bought me For Kids Only as a Christmas present, and I’m glad she did. I have not been able to put it down.”

  —Amber Y., age 15

  “I am 12 years old and I LOVE your books SOOOO flushing much!!!!!! They are the best.”

  —Emily W., age 13

  “Wow, you guys are awesome!!!!! I especially love the running feet. They keep me entertained for hours!! Thanks for the great reading material, and keep up the good work!!! I love you guys!!!”

  —Shelly O’H., age 12

  “I’ve learned so much from your books. I think you should start a homeschooling course (toilet-schooling?). The Bathroom Reader is more educational than school.”

  —James B., age 12

  “I love this stuff! I’m a third grade teacher, and I’m constantly looking for sources of material to get my kids interested in reading. I use your book to stimulate my kids in the morning.”

  —Keith G.

  “I’ve used your books to do essays, win contests, and even to do a book report (I got an A+ on it, thanks). My B-day is in March, and what I asked for was…a Bathroom Reader.”

  —Jacob H., age 9

  Bathroom Readers’ Press

  Ashland, Oregon

  UNCLE JOHN’S TOP SECRET!

  BATHROOM READER®

  FOR KIDS ONLY

  Copyright © 2004 by Bathroom Readers’ Press (a division of Portable Press). All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

  “Bathroom Reader,” “Bathroom Readers’ Institute,” and “Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader for Kids Only” are registered trademarks of Baker & Taylor. All rights reserved.

  For information, write:

  Bathroom Readers’ Institute

  P.O. Box 1117, Ashland, OR 97520

  www.bathroomreader.com

  Cover design by Michael Brunsfeld, San Rafael, CA ([email protected])

  Illustrations by

  Andy Petersen

  Uncle John’s Top Secret!

  Bathroom Reader For Kids Only

  by The Bathroom Readers’ Institute

  ISBN-13: 978-1-60710-693-7

  E-book Edition: September 2012

  8 9 10 11 12 15 14 13 12 11

  Top secret message from Elbow Room to Porter the Wonder Dog: “Arf!”

  THANK YOU!

  The Bathroom Readers’ Institute thanks those people whose help has made this book possible.

  Gordon Javna

  Jahnna Beecham

  Malcolm Hillgartner

  Thom Little

  John Gaffey

  Jay Newman

  Brian Boone

  Laura BlackFeather

  Angela Kern

  Sydney Stanley

  Julia Papps

  Paul Stanley

  Rick Rebhun

  Lisa Priber

  Jeorgine Lidelle

  Joe Diehl

  Jeff Altemus

  Jennifer

  Lori Larson

  Amy Briggs

  Steven Style Group

  Michael Brunsfeld

  Sharilyn Hovind

  Maggie McLaughlin

  Bryan Henry

  Scarab Media

  John Dollison

  JoAnn Padgett

  Bernadette Baillie

  Kristin Marley

  Mana Manzavi

  Allen Orso

  Gideon and Sam

  Kelly Padgett

  Max Brunsfeld

  Dash and Skye

  John Javna

  Dan Mansfield

  Maggie Javna

  Porter the Wonder Dog

  Ollie Tidball

  Thomas Crapper

  * * *

  “Outside of a dog a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.”

  Groucho Marx

  Hiya Sophie! Hiya Jesse!

  TABLE OF CONTENTS

  Because the BRI understands your reading needs, we’ve divided the contents by length as well as subject:

  Short—A quick read

  Medium—2 pages

  Long—3 to 5 pages (that’s not too long, is it?)

  BOO!

  Short

  Monster Giggles

  Medium

  Ghost Town

  Monster Match

  Long

  Ghosts in the White House

  The Ghost of Number 17

  TRY THIS AT HOME

  Short

  Changelings

  Cooking with Uncle John

  Medium

  Games Rule!

  Home Alone Games

  EW…GROSS!

  Short

  Fugu!

  Fart Proudly

  Gassy Poetry

  Ode to a Fart

  Snot Rags

  Fart Songs

  Medium

  Guess I’ll Go Eat Worms

  Maggots

  THE NAME GAME

  Short

  Familiar Names

  Name That God

  Familiar Names

  Medium

  Also Known As

  Computer Speak

  Named After a Kid

  AMAZING KIDS

  Medium

  A Kid’s Choice

  Richie’s Toys

  Amazing Kids

  Long

  Wild Kids

  Hot Shots

  Kid Artists

  AROUND THE WORLD

  Short

  Where’s the Potty?

  Where’s the Potty?

  Medium

  The Great Pebble

  Ice Hotels

  Long

  Seven Wonders of the World

  Tut’s Treasure

  ANIMAL CRACKERS

  Short

  Rescue Turtle

  Hot Dawgs

  Medium

  Gullfriends

  Pocket Pet

  Long

  Animal Antics

  Fish Fright

  Groovy Groundhogs

  PIRATES!

  Short

  The Jolly Roger

  Female Pirates

  Medium

  A Pirate’s Life

  Pirate Style

  Long

  Famous Pirates

  The Money Pit

  GOOFY GROWNUPS

  Short

  Dumberer Crooks
r />   Crazy Teachers

  Looney Laws

  Medium

  Dumb Crooks

  Mr. Eat-It-All

  Long

  Weird Jobs

  Stunt Masters

  V.I.P.s (VERY INTERESTING PEOPLE)

  Short

  Classical Kook

  Uncle Sam

  Medium

  Lion Hunters

  Long

  Who Was Leonardo?

  MATHEMAGICAL

  Short

  Math Magic

  More Math Magic

  DON’T TELL ANYONE

  Medium

  Secret Message

  Secret Places

  Invisible Ink

  Long

  Treasure Hunt

  Secret Agent Woman

  MEET YOUR BODY

  Short

  Body Talk

  Navel Gazing

  Medium

  Belly Buttons

  Body of Water

  WATCH IT!

  Short

  Aye Caramba!

  Medium

  Scooby-Doo

  Get Real!

  Medium

  The Wizard of Oops

  POP SCIENCE

  Short

  Water World

  Medium

  The Write Stuff

  Ask the Experts

  Volcano!

  Long

  In the Future

  Trek*nology

  The Bean Car

  LIFE IS STRANGE

  Short

  Bite the Wax Tadpole

  Weird News

  I Saw the Potato

  Medium

  Amazing Coincidences

  Back from the Dead

  Long

  Message In a Bottle

  RECORD BREAKERS

  Short

  Record Breakers

  Throne Awards

  Record Breakers

  Medium

  The L-o-n-g-e-s-t

  More “Longests”

  Long

  First Ladies

  WILD WORLD OF SPORTS

  Short

  Hoop Stats

  Medium

  The Balloon Farm

  Strange Sports

  Dune Riders

  Long

  Hoop Dreams

  Shoe

  Tree Snorkeling

  Jamaica Bobsled

  PAGE TURNERS

  Medium

  Captain Underpants

  Long

  Lord of the Hobbits

  The Alchemist

  MYTHS & LEGENDS

  Short

  Lucky #7

  Medium

  It’s Abominable

  Long

  Mermaid Tales

  Lost Continent

  Bellerophon and the Magic Horse

  What’s Your Sign?

  THEY SAID IT

  Short

  Imagine That!

  Wise Words

  Straight Talk

  Word Wizard

  Into the Future

  WORDPLAY

  Short

  Flyboy Slang

  Word Play

  Page of Sevens

  Over and Out

  Palindromes

  Medium

  Why We Say It

  Acronym Quiz

  TIME MACHINE: THE PAST

  Short

  Dumb Wars

  Medium

  Meet Me in St. Louis

  “Hello Girls”

  Long

  Gladiators

  Name that Tune

  JUST FOR FUN

  Short

  Knock-Knock

  Riddles

  BEEEEEEP

  Cell Phone Tag

  Ghastly Humor

  Reel Silly

  QUIZ ANSWERS

  RESOURCE GUIDE

  * * *

  PROGRESS

  • In 1900 there were 55 independent countries in the world. Only 9 were based on democracy, and none had universal adult suffrage (meaning all adults can vote).

  • By 2002 there were 192 independent countries in the world, 146 of them had some form of democracy, and 119 had universal suffrage.

  GREETINGS FROM UNCLE JOHN

  SECRET MESSAGE #1:

  Hotel India Yankee Alpha, Kilo India Delta Sierra!

  (To crack this code, turn to page 186.)

  SECRET MESSAGE #2:

  Yrgpi Nslr lew kew!

  (To decode, turn to de page 63.)

  Okay, now that all of that top secret stuff is out of the way, we can speak freely (a language spoken primarily by the people of Freedonia, and their leader, I. P. Freely). Hey, let’s face it: tons of books are really boooooring. So congratulations! You found one that isn’t!

  This volume is packed with information about spies and secret codes—always good to know. But there’s a lot more: Uncle John’s Top Secret! Bathroom Reader For Kids Only will teach you how to bark orders like a fighter pilot (Put on that zoombag, nugget!) and talk like a pirate (Aarrrgh, matey!). You’ll find out who Uncle Sam was (Hooray for uncles!), what it was like to be a Roman gladiator, where to search for buried treasure, when the pyramids were built, why someone made a car out of beans, and how ice cream cones were invented. And that’s just the beginning.

  We’re not sure why, but you guys keep asking for more gross stuff, and at the BRI we aim to please. So be prepared—there’s a LOT of gross stuff. How gross? We have a farting ghost, a guy who skips the toast and eats the toaster, the sticky history of snot rags, and a recipe for banana-worm bread. Not gross enough for you? One word: maggots. (Don’t say we didn’t warn you.)

  And, as always, we’ve found a bunch of amazing kids—like the girl who inspired the world’s bestselling doll and the boy who was responsible for one of the most beloved books of all time. Plus kid inventors, kid fire-fighters, and a kid who collected 20,000 hats! And let’s not forget the poor girl whose amazingly loud fart caused an embarrassing false start.

  So settle in and get ready for one of the best reads of your life. And even though it’s Top Secret, we won’t mind if you share what you’ve learned. Just remember:

  Ks amxl xli Jpsa! Which means…

  Go with the Flow!

  —Uncle John and the BRI staff

  (Thanks Jahnna, Malcolm, Thom, Julia, Jay, Maggie, John G., Brian, John D., Angie, Laura, and my talking dog, Elbow Room. You guys bark, er, rock!)

  This page will self-destruct in 5…4…3…2…1…Kaboom!

  Oops! We forgot to mention our Web site. It’s www.bathroomreader.com.

  IMAGINE THAT!

  Here’s what some great minds had to say about imagination.

  “Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.”

  —Albert Einstein, scientist

  “Imagination will often carry us to worlds that never were. But without it we go nowhere.”

  —Carl Sagan, scientist

  “Imagination is the eye of the soul.”

  —Joseph Joubert, French writer

  “Imagination disposes of everything; it creates beauty, justice, and happiness, which are everything in this world.”

  —Blaise Pascal, mathematician

  “Everything you can imagine is real.”

  —Pablo Picasso, artist

  “What is now proved was once only imagined.”

  —William Blake, poet

  “The man who has no imagination has no wings.”

  —Muhammad Ali, boxer

  “Imagination is the beginning of creation.”

  —G.B. Shaw, playwright

  “There is no life I know to compare with pure imagination. Living there, you’ll be free if you truly wish to be.”

  —Willy Wonka, chocolatemaker

  Thphthptht! A giant anteater’s tongue is 2 feet long.

  BODY TALK

  Big, small, short, or tall—our bodies are amazing!

  DID YOU KNOW?

&
nbsp; The human body has enough…

  • water to fill a 10-gallon fish tank

  • fat to make 7 bars of soap

  • iron to make a 3-inch nail

  • sulfur to kill all the fleas on 1 average-size dog

  • carbon to make 900 pencils

  • potassium to fire 1 toy cannon

  • phosphorous to make 2,200 match heads

  DID YOU KNOW?

  You…

  • blink 9,365 times a day

  • fart 1 pint of gas every day

  • use 17 muscles to smile

  • use 43 muscles to frown

  • shed 600,000 particles of skin every hour (by age 70 you’ll have shed 40 pounds of skin)

  • can detect 10,000 different colors

  • have 10,000 taste buds, which can identify more than 500 flavors

  DID YOU KNOW?

  In your lifetime, you’ll…

  • grow 1,000 new skins (your outer skin cells regenerate every 27 days)

  • drink 16,000 gallons of water

  • make enough spit to fill 2 swimming pools (about 25,000 quarts)

  • walk 100,000 miles

  • grow 590 miles of hair

  The moo-tric system? A cow’s moo was once used as a unit of distance in India.

  DUMB CROOKS

  So you think crime pays? Think again.

  LOCKUP

  The Crime: A Savannah, Georgia, man wanted to steal guns from the back of a squad car that was parked near a police station.

  Gotcha! It was only after he climbed in that he realized his goof: the back doors of police cars lock automatically when someone gets inside. Cops arrested the would-be thief a few minutes later.

  TWINKLE TOES

  The Crime: Cornered by police in Charles City, Virginia, a drug dealer carrying 12 bags of cocaine ran into a forest to escape. The trees were so thick, he was certain the police would lose him.

  Gotcha! The crook must have forgotten he was wearing sneakers equipped with little lights that flashed every time he took a step. All the cops had to do was follow the blinking lights through the forest—straight to the drug dealer.

  COVER ME!

  The Crime: A person walking by a convenience store in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota, was stopped by a man who needed a favor. The man casually informed the passerby that he planned to rob the store but needed a disguise. Then he gave the person a dollar to go inside and buy him a scarf to cover his face.

  In Tibet, it is considered good manners to stick your tongue out at guests.

  Gotcha! The bystander took the dollar, went inside the convenience store…and called the police.