The Pirate Who's Afraid of Everything Read online

  So, for Shivers’s tenth birthday, Bob built him a boat of his own to keep on land. He would have built him a house, but pirates don’t know how to build houses. They sink too fast. Tilda never wanted to be too far from Shivers, so she insisted that he park his boat as close to the ocean as possible.

  “So that’s why I have my own ship parked next to the snack shop on New Jersey Beach,” Shivers explained. “And that’s why the New Jersey Beach–goers are always complaining about having to line up around a pirate ship just to get an ice-cream cone.”

  When Shivers was done speaking, Margo blinked her big green eyes. She had one last question. “Does your ship have a name?”

  “It has the perfect name!” Shivers smiled proudly. “The Land Lady!”

  Margo laughed. “I’ll see you at the Land Lady!” she cried, jumping in the air. “First, I have to tell my dad where I’m going.”

  Shivers nodded and headed down the street, looking for any sign of danger while nibbling on popcorn and pantaloon pocket lint.

  Margo knocked on the police station door. Chief Clomps’n’Stomps answered. “Dad,” she told him. “It’s actually not Take Your Daughter to Work Day. It’s Sail the Seven Seas Day.”

  Clomps’n’Stomps shrugged. “I can’t argue with that,” he said.

  THERE IS SOMETHING YOU don’t know about Shivers: He is terrified of street signs. On his way back to the ship, he refused to look at a single street sign, so he got hopelessly lost and didn’t arrive for three hours.

  By the time he got home, Margo had transformed the Land Lady into a fiercely armed vessel of butt-kicking awesomeness. The first thing he noticed was the flag hanging from the ship’s mast. Margo had dyed the flag black and drawn a picture of crossed swords underneath the ship’s name.

  “Do you like it?” asked Margo.

  “It makes me want to dig a hole, hide in it, and never come out again,” said Shivers.

  “So it’s perfect!” said Margo as she led Shivers through the ship’s front door. She started the grand tour in the sleeping quarters. “I took all your pillowcases and sewed them into a big sack,” she said, pointing to a pillowcase sack so big it covered the entire bed.

  “Even the satin ones?” Shivers asked.

  “Especially the satin ones,” Margo replied. Shivers looked disappointed, but she continued, “You see a bad guy: throw him in the sack. Simple. Understand?”

  Shivers nodded.

  Margo led him to the kitchen and over to the windowsill where he kept his potted plants. All of his daisies were gone. The pots were now filled with creepy-looking plants with sharp, leathery leaves.

  “Over here, I got rid of all your daisies and replaced them with Venus flytraps,” Margo explained. “If you see a bad guy and the sack is already full, throw a Venus flytrap at him. Simple. Are you with me?”

  Shivers nodded again.

  Then he followed Margo down the hall and into the bathroom, where she pointed to the bathtub. With a stern look on her face, she said, “This next part is very important. I threw out all your rubber duckies and replaced them with swords. Which means, we have a lot of swords. Oh, and also? Do not take a bath. You see a bad guy? He’s got a sword? Grab a sword from the tub and use it. Simple. Got it?”

  Shivers didn’t nod again because all the nodding was giving him a headache. But he understood! “How do you know so much about capturing bad guys?” Shivers asked. “Did you learn it at school?”

  Margo was confused. “Of course not, Shivers. I learned it from my dad. You don’t learn those kinds of things at school.”

  “Pirate kids don’t go to school,” Shivers explained. “They learn everything they need to know while they’re on missions with their parents. It’s on-the-job training.”

  “But you don’t go on missions,” said Margo. “Don’t you get bored?”

  “Bored?” Shivers laughed. “Clearly, you’ve never played a game of Go Fish with Albee.”

  Margo narrowed her eyes at Albee, who was swimming circles in his bag. “How could you play cards with Albee?”

  “Cards? What do you mean?” Shivers asked. “I put him in his bowl and I yell, ‘Go, Fish!’ and he swims around as fast as he can. We do it for six hours every day, and by then, it’s nap time. Then it’s song and dance time, and then we call it a day. School wouldn’t even fit in my schedule.”

  Margo nodded, understanding. “I’d give my right leg to go on pirate adventures instead of going to school. Then I’d replace it with a peg leg! Then I’d give my right arm! And replace it with a hook! And then I’d take an eye patch—”

  “Wait!” Shivers interrupted. “Why don’t you like going to school?”

  “The kids at school don’t know anything about adventures. All they want to do is play hopscotch.” Margo scowled. “And I hate hopscotch.”

  “You seem like you’d be really good at hopscotch,” Shivers said.

  “Of course I am! It’s the easiest thing ever!” Margo insisted. “Sometimes I try to hop all the way off the playground and out of school. Then my only adventure is going to the principal’s office.” Margo sighed.

  Shivers could see that she didn’t want to talk about school anymore. “Margo!” he said. “You haven’t finished the grand tour!”

  “You’re right!” she said, dashing out onto the deck. Today was no day to let the kids at school get her down. She had an adventure to go on.

  Shivers grabbed Albee and followed Margo out onto the deck.

  Margo smiled proudly and said, “For the grand finale, a grand piano!” She pointed to a shiny black piano next to the edge of the ship. It was very grand indeed.

  “My grand finale piano! Did you move it out here so we can have song and dance time outside?” Shivers asked, clapping his hands and jumping up and down.

  “No, Shivers,” Margo explained. “We need to use the piano as an anchor when we’re out to sea.”

  Shivers stopped jumping. He was disappointed about song and dance time, but he was even more upset about something else Margo had just said. He had to make sure he had heard her correctly, so he asked, “Wait a second . . . when we’re out to what?”

  “Out to sea,” Margo repeated.

  Shivers let out a wheeze, which is somewhere in between a whisper and a sneeze. “What to sea?” he asked.

  “Out to sea! Now, enough messing around!” Margo shouted as she checked and double-checked the rope tied to the grand finale piano.

  “Hmm. I think there’s been a misunderstanding,” said Shivers. “I don’t ‘mess around.’ I can’t stand messes. They look like monsters taking over the floor! And about that ‘out to sea’ business . . .”

  “Shivers!” Margo’s green eyes grew even wider than usual. “How could we possibly save your family without going out to sea?”

  “Umm . . . send some really threatening postcards?” Shivers offered.

  “We don’t have their address!” Margo shouted.

  Shivers groaned. He actually thought that was a pretty good suggestion for being put on the spot like that. He thought to himself, I’ve really backed myself into a corner with this one. Which was a big problem, because Shivers thought corners were really creepy.

  Shivers pressed on. “It’s just that Albee’s more of a land fish than a water fish.”

  “He’s in water right now!”

  “Yeah, but that’s freshwater. He’s got a salt allergy,” Shivers argued.

  Margo stomped her foot. “Why don’t you just leave the stupid fish behind, then??!”

  Albee was devastated.

  Margo took Albee’s bag from Shivers’s hands. “I’ll drop him off with my dad,” she said. “He’ll take good care of him until we get back. If Albee is too scared to go on this adventure, we have to leave him behind and go by ourselves.”

  “I can’t leave him!” Shivers whimpered.

  “We’ll be back by dinner!” Margo said. “Unless we get captured by kidnappers, then it’ll be more like a week. . . . Unless we get
caught in the Bermuda Triangle, then it’ll be more like a month. Unless we get—”

  “Stop!” Shivers said. He took a deep breath. “The truth is,” he admitted, “Albee isn’t afraid of anything. It’s me. I’m afraid of everything.”

  Like a true police officer, Margo was skeptical. She began an investigation.

  “You say you’re afraid of everything? Nobody’s afraid of everything.” She put her hands on her hips and stared him down, searching for the truth.

  “Well, I am,” Shivers said.

  “Are you afraid of jack-o’-lanterns?” Margo began circling around Shivers.

  “Of course!” Shivers recoiled. “I’m afraid of anything that involves pumpkins! Have you seen the size of those seeds?”

  Margo pressed on. “Are you afraid of pepperoni pizza?”

  “You mean deadly spotted cheese bread? Absolutely!” Shivers said.

  “Are you afraid of strawberries?” she asked.

  “Of course!” said Shivers. “Where’s the straw? Where’s the straw?!”

  By now, Margo had Shivers spinning in circles.

  “Are you afraid of bubble baths?” she asked.

  Shivers sighed. “I once had a dear friend who tried taking a bubble bath. I never saw him again.”

  “Are you afraid of clouds?” Margo asked.

  Shivers threw his hands up in the air and said, “Oh, you mean those cute fluffy pillows in the sky that generate enough electricity to kill a man?! Yes. I’m afraid of clouds.”

  Margo burst out laughing. But Shivers didn’t crack a smile. He didn’t even shiver. Margo could see that he was serious. She tried again. “Are you afraid of Albee?”

  Shivers raised his eyebrow. “I don’t like the way he looks at me sometimes.”

  “Are you afraid of the ocean?” she asked.

  “I wouldn’t even look at the ocean on a map!” he replied.

  “But you’re supposed to be a pirate!” she cried, jumping onto the piano.

  “That’s what I’m afraid of most,” said Shivers softly. “It’s my number one fear.”

  Margo realized that Shivers needed her help. She closed her eyes and thought for a moment . . . then another moment. . . . Shivers wondered if she had fallen asleep. Finally, her eyes popped open.

  “Shivers?” Margo asked. “Are you afraid of me?”

  “You?” Shivers didn’t know what to say. He looked down at his hands and noticed that they weren’t sweating. His stomach wasn’t turning. Even his bunny slippers weren’t shaking. It could only mean one thing. “No,” he replied, a little surprised at his own answer.

  “What about now?” Margo asked, making a terrifying face.

  “No!” Shivers said happily.

  Margo climbed down from the piano and grabbed Shivers’s hand. “Then you’re not afraid of everything,” she said. “Now let’s go!” She smiled and pulled Shivers toward the steering wheel so they could guide the Land Lady to sea.

  END OF CHAPTER THREE.

  AS THE SHIP SET sail onto the open water, Margo breathed in the salty sea air.

  Albee stared out at the vast sky, waving his fins contentedly.

  Shivers leaned over the side of the boat and puked.

  Margo ran over to him and asked, “Are you okay?”

  Shivers groaned, “Sorry. I get seasick.”

  Margo took a bag of veggies out of her big green backpack. “Here, these might make you feel better,” she said. “Try some carrots and celery!”

  “Are you crazy?” Shivers yelped. “I can’t eat those!”

  “Why not?” she asked, worried.

  “Margo, I told you! I get C-sick! I can’t eat anything that starts with C. Just looking at those carrots is making me queasy.”

  Margo sighed. She looked out toward the horizon.

  “Which direction are we supposed to head?” she wondered out loud.

  Shivers replied, “My mom always says, sail away from the puke.”

  They agreed that it was good advice, so they headed north into the choppy waves.

  It was the perfect time for a picnic. Margo reached into her big green backpack. “A great adventure must have great snacks,” she said as she pulled out two paper bags full of food. Unfortunately, she had to eat the carrots, celery, and chips by herself. As Shivers sat on the deck of the ship eating what was left over, he began to think that being a pirate might not be so bad.

  Just as he finished scraping all of the cheese out of his grilled cheese sandwich, he spotted a dark, hulking figure in the distance. “Margo, what’s that?!” he asked, his sandwich suddenly tasting like danger.

  Margo shimmied up the mast to get a better look. As the black smudge in the distance grew nearer, she could make out its shape. “Pirates!” she shouted as she slid back down the mast like a firefighter down a fire pole. “Maybe the pirates can point us in the right direction!” she hollered.

  Shivers was a frozen ice cube of terror. “Pirates?! Did they see us? Can we hide this ship under the water?” he suggested.

  “You mean sink it?” Margo laughed.

  “Whatever you want to call it, it’s better than facing pirates!” he insisted.

  “You ARE a pirate! You face a pirate every day when you look in the mirror!” she said.

  “That’s why I don’t own any mirrors,” he pointed out. “Albee, turn this ship around!” he cried. “We’re going back.”

  “No, we’re not,” Margo said. “Talking to pirates is simple. Let’s practice. If you meet a pirate, what’s the first thing you say?”

  “AGGH!” Shivers screamed.

  “Almost,” Margo said. “Just add an R.”

  “What do you mean?” Shivers asked. “RAGGH?”

  “I mean ARGGH!” she bellowed.

  “Arggh?” Shivers whimpered, so softly that even the ship mice couldn’t hear him.

  “Come on, Shivers!” Margo urged. “Say it like you really mean it!”

  Before he had time to really mean it, the Land Lady was rocked by a huge wave. The pirate ship—the dark, hulking pirate ship—had pulled up right next to Shivers and Margo. It was so close that Shivers could read the name painted on its flag: “The iPoke.” Shivers had no idea what the name meant and he did not want to find out.

  Margo shouted from the edge of the deck, “Avast, mateys, who goes there?!”

  A tall, sturdy figure emerged from the captain’s quarters, followed by what appeared to be somebody’s grandpa. The small old man who looked like somebody’s grandpa leaned over the iPoke’s railing. “It is I, Aubrey Pimpleton,” he replied in a voice so shaky it sounded like the words were wiggling out of his throat. “I am the first mate of this ship and the oldest pirate on the Seven Seas.”

  Then the tall, sturdy figure stepped out from the shadows. In a deep voice that sounded like pancake syrup dripping down a jagged rock, he bellowed, “And I am Captain Pokes-You-in-the-Eye!”

  “AGGH!!” Shivers screamed.

  Margo clapped her hand over his mouth, but it was too late.

  “Aubrey?” The captain looked to his first mate. “Did he just say ‘Aggh’?”

  Aubrey Pimpleton squeaked, “Surely not, sir! No one would be so disrespectful as to say ‘Aggh’ to you, Captain Pokes-You-in-the-Eye!”

  “You have no idea what I might do to a coward who uttered ‘Aggh’ to me,” warned the captain.

  “Oh, I know!” Aubrey Pimpleton cried, raising his hand wildly. “You’d poke him in the eye!”

  The captain frowned. “Curse my name! It really takes away the mystery.”

  Shivers looked at the pair of pirates. Captain Pokes-You-in-the-Eye appeared to have boulders in his arms and tree trunks in his legs. He only had nine fingers. The tenth, his poking finger, was a pencil sharpened to the finest point. Shivers hoped it was because the captain spent a lot of time writing in his diary, but he knew deep down that was probably not the reason.

  Then there was Aubrey Pimpleton, a stooped old man whose head reminded Shivers of a
skinless grape. He had one white hair that grew from the top of his head to the tip of his big toe—it was hard to tell if the hair grew from the head down or the toe up.

  Margo took a step toward them and said, “He didn’t say ‘Aggh.’”

  “I heard ‘Aggh,’” Aubrey said. Then he sneezed and his bones rattled from the force.

  Margo elbowed Shivers in his soft jelly ribs. “Tell them what you said, Shivers.”

  “I said . . .” Shivers took a deep breath. He closed his eyes. Then from the depths of his belly, he bellowed, “ARGGH!” It sounded like he really meant it.

  Everyone was still until finally the captain spoke, his sneer turning into a smile. “Why didn’t you say so, mateys?! He said, ‘Arggh!’ What a lovely salutation! Would you like some pie?”

  Shivers sighed with relief and wiped the sweat from his forehead. He couldn’t believe that these pirates, who seemed so frightening just moments ago, were really so kind and gentle.

  “What kind of pie is it?” asked Shivers.

  “It’s Eye Pie,” said the captain.

  “Um, no thanks,” said Shivers.

  Margo piped up in her best Pirate Speak, “Actually, Captain, we be searching for some lost pirates that came by this way, but a wee flea’s age ago. We was hoping you could decode our parchment clue.”

  Shivers leaned over to Margo and whispered, “I didn’t understand a word of that.”

  Margo whispered back, “I asked for their help.”

  The captain smiled a toothy grin. “Why, never before in all my floating round the Seven Seas has a request passed by my flotsam ears that pleased me so—like salt on a Sunday. I must oblige a wee plunderer such as you standing before my one good eye.”

  Margo hadn’t known Shivers for very long, but she was learning to tell when he was confused. From the look on his face, she knew this was one of those times. She turned to him, smiling, and explained, “He said yes.”