The Pirate Who's Afraid of Everything Read online

  Map

  Dedication

  For Harrison and Charlie

  Contents

  Map

  Dedication

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Back Ad

  About the Authors

  Credits

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  BEEP-BEEP!”

  Shivers the Pirate sat up in bed and screamed, “AGHH! BREACH OF PERIMETER!”

  He bolted out of bed and looked frantically around his sleeping quarters. He knew that the beeping sound meant there was some kind of danger on his pirate ship.

  “BEEP-BEEP! BEEP-BEEP!” The noise continued.

  Shivers stumbled down the ship’s passageway as fast as he could, wailing, “LOCK THE DOORS! LOAD THE CANNONS! SWAB THE POOP DECK!”

  Shivers knew it was time to start his Emergency Attack Plan.

  First, he threw on his helmet.

  Then, he reinforced the walls of his fort.

  Finally, he grabbed his trusted first mate, Albee.

  He leaped into the fort and called out, “Show yourself, you yellow-bellied son of a cow’s liver!”

  But no one responded.

  The only sound was that constant “BEEP-BEEP! BEEP-BEEP!”

  Shivers turned to Albee and said, “Perhaps we’re not under attack . . . perhaps it’s . . . THE GREAT STORM!”

  Shivers jumped out of his fort and ran around in circles, shouting, “TRIM THE SAIL! BATTEN DOWN THE HATCHES! SWAB THE POOP DECK!”

  Then he ran to the porthole to see the destruction from the massive hurricane!

  But the sky was sunny and blue. There wasn’t a single cloud in sight.

  The noise wouldn’t stop. “BEEP-BEEP! BEEP-BEEP!”

  With fear in his eyes, Shivers yelled out the window, “IT’S AN ALIEN ATTACK! IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD! IT’S—”

  Shivers cowered in the corner next to his bed and realized what was really making the sound.

  “—MY ALARM CLOCK!” he shouted.

  In one brave motion, Shivers raised his arm and smashed the snooze button! The beeping stopped. Shivers breathed a sigh of relief.

  “Well, that’s about enough adventure for one day,” he said. “I just wish this didn’t happen every morning.”

  Now it was time for Shivers to shut down his Emergency Attack Plan. He took off his helmet, which was really just a big soup bowl. He tore down the fort, which was really just a bunch of pillows wrapped in a blanket.

  He gave Albee a handful of fish flakes. Albee, you see, is a fish. And Shivers’s best friend.

  Shivers was about to go brush his teeth, when suddenly his stomach felt like he had just eaten a bowlful of caterpillars. “I’m afraid I’m getting seasick,” he moaned in Albee’s general direction.

  But really, it was impossible for Shivers to be seasick. Like all pirates, Shivers lived on a ship. However, unlike all pirates, his ship had never been to sea. It was docked on the sand at New Jersey Beach. Shivers’s pirate ship had never been to sea because Shivers was completely terrified of the sea. In fact, Shivers was terrified of everything that had to do with being a pirate. It was a real problem.

  Shivers came from a family of famous pirates. His mom was known as “Tilda the Tormentor!” because she once tied up and taunted an entire army of vicious sea creatures without coming up for air! His dad was known as “Bob!” because his name was Bob. But Bob was also an awesome pirate!

  Shivers had a brave older brother named Brock. Brock loved being a pirate and wasn’t afraid of anything. Brock and Shivers had nothing in common. When Shivers was born, his parents named him after the famous pirate saying “Shiver Me Timbers!” Now Shivers was eleven years old, and his name ended up being perfect because he spent most of his time afraid of one thing or another, shaking and shivering in a corner.

  And this morning had been no different. As Shivers looked out his bedroom porthole to the beach, he hoped to see his parents’ pirate ship the Plunderer bobbing on the waves. Whenever his parents returned from a pirate mission, the first thing they always did was drop anchor on the shore and walk across the beach to pay Shivers a visit, scaring away all the sunbathers in their path. Then they would tell Shivers stories of their pirate adventures.

  Shivers squinted into the sun, looking as far as he could but the Plunderer was nowhere in sight. He thought his family should be back by now. “I guess adventures sometimes take longer than expected,” he said. He shrugged and decided to start his day. He put on his bunny slippers and padded into the kitchen, carrying Albee with him in his fishbowl. “My mom always says breakfast is the best way to start the day.”

  Albee waved his fins in agreement.

  Shivers put a big bag of popcorn in the microwave and covered his ears until the popping was over. Then he put the popcorn in a bowl and began the day’s work.

  He and Albee were in the midst of an epic and dangerous quest to trap and safely remove a ladybug that had crawled into Shivers’s boot last week. As you can imagine, the quest ended with Shivers cowering in the corner.

  Today he decided to try again by lowering a leaf into the boot to scoop out the little bug. But just as he finished putting on his safety gloves, a pigeon landed on the windowsill with a flutter. Shivers whirled around and let out a sound that was halfway between a squeak and a burp.

  “Don’t come any closer, pigeon!” he warned. But pigeons are not good listeners. The pigeon spread her wings again and took flight, knocking Shivers’s daisy plant off the windowsill and smashing it onto the ground. She flew in circles around the kitchen, crashing into plates, shattering glasses, and spilling popcorn everywhere.

  At last, the pigeon landed on top of the refrigerator, and Shivers breathed a sigh of relief. “That was close. I thought she was flying right at my”—Shivers screamed—“HEAD!” as the pigeon took off again and flew right at his head, cooing and flapping like crazy. Shivers raised his hands. “I surrender! You can have all the popcorn you want!” At the last second, the pigeon veered away from Shivers and landed on the table. She stuck out her foot and Shivers noticed that there was a letter tied to it.

  “Oh, you’re a carrier pigeon!” Shivers sighed. “I have to stop thinking that every pigeon is just out to steal my popcorn.”

  Shivers untied the string, opened the letter, and began to read:

  To our dear son Shivers—

  Shivers jumped up with glee. “It’s a letter from my mom and dad! I can’t wait to hear how much treasure they’ve plundered!”

  He continued reading.

  We miss you so much! Have you had breakfast today? We hope you’re doing well. We’re doing TERRIBLY! We were on a pirate mission on the Eastern Seas. All was going well until we were captured on a distant island. This place is like nothing you’ve ever seen, Shivers. It’s overrun by dogs! There are fairies everywhere! And they all worship a great green giant!

  Shivers turned to Albee and said, “This is terrible! I’d better call my brave brother, Brock. He’ll be able to save them! I’ll do that as soon as I finish reading.”

  Shivers read on.

  Just so you know, we already called your brave brother, Brock. He came and tried to save us, but now he’s captured, too. You’re our last hope, Shivers. And now here are detailed direct
ions for how to get to the island. Boy, do I hope the carrier pigeon doesn’t poop on this part. First, find the Carnival. When you get there, go to the Fun Hopper and get the map of—

  The rest was covered in pigeon poop.

  “Oh, gross!” said Shivers. He scowled at the pigeon. “Thanks a lot, pigeon! You ruined the note. You had the entire ocean to poop in and you chose to poop on this letter—WAIT!”

  Shivers’s eyes nearly popped out of his head as he realized what the letter meant. “My family has been captured, and I’m the last hope they have in the whole world!”

  Shivers knew that he had to do something to save his parents. He put on his long velvet coat and his feathered pirate hat. He stepped into his pantaloons, which are big, billowy pants that most pirates use to store treasure but Shivers uses to store popcorn. He would have put on his pirate boots, but the ladybug was still in there, so he stayed in his bunny slippers. They were more comfortable anyway.

  He put Albee in a ziplock bag full of water (a fish’s favorite way to travel). He fed him a three-course meal of one tiny fish flake, another tiny fish flake, and . . . one last tiny fish flake.

  They were ready to go.

  He took a deep breath and walked out the front door.

  As he took his first step off the ship, a massive tidal wave crashed down on his head!

  “AGGHH! I’m drowning!” screamed Shivers. “Help! I can’t swim!”

  He flailed his scrawny arms in the air, trying to stay afloat, until he realized aloud, “Oh. It’s just rain.”

  He grabbed his umbrella and set off on his terrifying journey. He knew he was beginning an epic adventure. He would have to brave the elements and face the dark, scary unknown. He would have to walk the entire four blocks to the police station and see if Police Chief Clomps’n’Stomps would go find his parents for him.

  “FREEZE! PUT YOUR PAWS above your head and back away from the nest!” Margo shouted, flashing her police badge. She was yelling at a raccoon who was getting dangerously close to a nest of bird eggs. Margo was only ten years old, so she wasn’t very scary looking. She wasn’t even very tall. But she knew she could take care of a raccoon that was up to no good.

  “Those little eggs are about to hatch, raccoon!” she yelled. “You stay out of here, or we’re taking you downtown!” She stomped her foot and the raccoon scampered away.

  “Very good, Margo,” said Police Chief Clomps’n’Stomps.

  “Thanks, Dad,” replied Margo. She slipped her big green backpack off her shoulder and put her police badge in the front pocket. Margo never went anywhere without her big green backpack. It matched her big green eyes. She never went anywhere without those, either.

  “I was afraid that raccoon was going to eat those baby birds,” Police Chief Clomps’n’Stomps said, beaming proudly.

  “Not on my watch!” Margo announced.

  Margo and her dad continued on their walk to the police station. Margo loved going to work with her dad. That’s why she had convinced him that today was Take Your Daughter to Work Day, even though it was just a regular Tuesday.

  Really, she should have been in Mrs. Beezle’s fifth-grade class, but she never learned anything useful there. For instance, she knew that today the class would be learning the state capitals and how to do multiplication. Margo already knew the state capitals—and she had a calculator. Margo thought to herself, Even if Mrs. Beezle is going to let the class play kickball all day long, I would still rather go to the police station with my dad. There was nothing she loved more in the whole world. Except for maybe . . .

  “A pirate!” Margo shouted. “Look, Dad, it’s Shivers the Pirate!” She pointed at Shivers, who was pounding on the door of the police station.

  Even though Margo had never met Shivers, she knew right away that this boy had to be him. He was wearing pantaloons, so he had to be a pirate. And he was wearing bunny slippers, so he had to be Shivers.

  Police Chief Clomps’n’Stomps sighed at the sight of Shivers. In his opinion, pirates should stay at sea and out of the way. Unfortunately, Shivers was a landlubber and too often needed some extra help. “Shivers, I’m sorry,” Clomps’n’Stomps said. “We’re too busy today to clear the dust out of your closet.”

  “I would never ask you to do that!” said Shivers.

  “You asked me to do that last Thursday,” said the chief.

  “Well, the dust looked like poisonous spiders!” Shivers explained. “Besides, that’s not what I’m here for.”

  “What, then?” the chief barked. “You need us to get a snail out of your daisies?”

  “I do not joke about snails and you know that,” Shivers said sternly. On the list of Shivers’s biggest fears, snails came in at number two. “This is an emergency.”

  The chief rolled his eyes as he and Margo pushed past Shivers and went inside. “We told you, Shivers, the water is supposed to disappear after you take a bath.”

  “No, but my family—” Shivers tried to explain.

  SLAM!

  The door flew shut in Shivers’s face. Without a hope in the world, he curled into a ball on the police station porch.

  All of a sudden, a bright voice called out, “Avast, matey! ARGGH!”

  Shivers turned around to see Margo shaking a twig at him.

  “AGGH! Get that deadly spear away from me!” Shivers screamed.

  “Only if you tell me where the booty is!” she said, covering one eye with the palm of her hand like an eye patch.

  “I don’t know what ‘booty’ means, but I don’t like the sound of it,” Shivers said.

  “Booty be treasure!” Margo said, leaping toward Shivers with her twig. “Shouldn’t you know that, Shivers the Pirate? Or be you a wet-bellied son of a flotsam?”

  “Me? A wet-bellied son of a flotsam?” Shivers asked. “You’re a sour-bellied daughter of a biscuit!”

  “How dare you?! I’m no biscuit’s daughter!” shouted Margo. “Why, I’ve tied up kidnappers and locked them up to rot. I’ve tracked down the world’s darkest evildoers, and when I was finished with them, they were evil-undoers. And that was just this weekend.”

  Shivers stared into Margo’s big green eyes. “Really?” he asked.

  “Yeah!” said Margo. “I’m Officer Margo. I fight bad guys with my dad.” Margo took her badge out of her backpack and handed it to Shivers as proof. Shivers couldn’t believe that a real police officer was finally giving him the time of day. Maybe she was the one person who could help him.

  He decided to tell her all about his captured family. As he told her, he started to panic, so the story sounded something like this:

  “Parents! Brock! Treasure! Green! Fairies! Popcorn!! Pigeon poop!!! HEEEEELP!!!!”

  “Wait a second,” Margo said. “Your parents and brave brother, Brock, are trapped on a distant island overrun by dogs and fairies where everyone worships a green giant. You heard all this from a pooping pigeon and you need my help?”

  Shivers collapsed on the police station steps and breathed a sigh of relief. “Exactly.”

  “Well, let’s go find them!” said Margo, beside herself with excitement. She started to wave her stick above her head like a sword.

  “Wait! No,” Shivers whimpered. “I’ll be too afraid.”

  “You’ll be too afraid?” Margo sighed. “So my dad was right about you. You are scared of everything. I guess we can’t go on an adventure after all.”

  Shivers’s face turned red. He didn’t have any real friends besides Albee, and he had always wanted a friend who wasn’t a fish. Margo definitely wasn’t a fish, and maybe she could be his friend. He didn’t want to let her down but the thought of going on a quest, even if it meant finding his parents and brave brother, Brock, was truly terrifying.

  Shivers stammered, “No, wait. . . . I didn’t say, ‘I’ll be too afraid . . .’” Thinking fast, he held up Albee in his bag and continued, “I said, ‘Albee’s too afraid.’ Albee is my fish. And my first mate. He’s the one who is afraid of everything.�
��

  Margo bent down so that she was nose to nose with Albee. At least she thought it was his nose. But no one knows if fishes have noses. Either way, her face was close to his.

  “Don’t worry, Albee,” Margo said in her kindest, fishiest voice. “It’s okay to be afraid.”

  Albee waved his fins at her.

  “Courage is not the absence of fear; it’s mastery of fear,” she continued. “I read that on a cereal box once.”

  Albee bravely blinked his fishy eyes and swam in a circle in his plastic bag.

  “I think he’s ready,” said Margo. Before Shivers could think of any more excuses, Margo launched into her plan. “First, we’ll have to prepare your ship. I’ll get the supplies, carry them to the ship, and make sure everything is set up for our quest.”

  Shivers asked, “What should I do?”

  Margo thought for a second. “You? Well, hmm . . . why don’t you swab the poop deck?”

  “Perfect,” he said. “The job I was born to do.”

  They walked together toward the ship, Shivers carrying Albee in his plastic bag. “Wait!” said Margo, stopping in her tracks. “I’ll meet you there. There’s something I have to take care of.”

  “But how will you know how to find my ship?” Shivers asked.

  “It’s the only one docked in the middle of the beach, isn’t it?” she asked.

  Shivers nodded. “It’s next to the snack shop. You’ll see people in line for ice cream.”

  “How did your ship end up in the middle of the beach, anyway?” Margo asked.

  “That’s an excellent question!” Shivers said. He began to explain.

  As a pirate, Shivers was born at sea and expected to spend his whole life there. But when he turned two, Shivers looked at the ocean and spoke his first word:

  When he turned five, he became convinced that the ocean was just a giant bowl of soup about to be slurped up at any moment. And when he turned nine, he started dropping the anchor every time his parents tried to set sail. Bob realized that his son wasn’t meant to live a life at sea. And he quickly grew tired of lifting the anchor up. It was really heavy!