The Kosher Guide to Imaginary Animals Read online

  EVIL MONKEY: “Another one of those Kosher-After-You-Die animals?”

  ANN: “Actually. . .yes.”

  EVIL MONKEY: “And again only for the righteous?”

  ANN: “Yes. What else have you learned from our investigations?”

  EVIL MONKEY: “I’ve learned you Jews are lucky to be alive, given how many types of animals are forbidden to you. I’ve learned roosters can be dragons. I’ve learned Bigfoot might be an air plant. And, um, one last thing.”

  ANN: “What’s that?”

  EVIL MONKEY: “I’m not really very hungry anymore.”

  ANN: “Me neither, to be honest.”

  The Duff Goldman Dialogues

  Or, How to Cook a Mongolian Death Worm

  Duff Goldman is the star of the hit Food Network reality show Ace of Cakes, which features his world-famous cake-making business in Baltimore. A huge fan of Star Wars and a variety of fantasy and science fiction, Goldman has even been made into a character in the video game World of Warcraft. When Goldman caught wind of our project and started riffing off the idea of recipes for imaginary animals in an email, we thought we’d call him up and record his thoughts on the subject for this book.

  ANN VANDERMEER: So to start — do you think Wookiees are kosher?

  DUFF GOLDMAN: Yes, I think that. Let’s try to keep one foot in the realm of fantasy and one foot in the realm of reality. Kind of a comparison. A Highland cow — a Scotland cow — like a yak, a bison. Just really hairy and furry. The hair of that thing hangs off like a Wookiee’s hair. I would say that, sans sciatic nerve, Wookiee is probably kosher. Wookiees are really tough, and I don’t think I’d want to be the one to take one down. The difficulties in just butchering a Wookiee might render it treyf but I’m gonna say given the perfect circumstances — you got a really good butcher — I am going to say go for the Wookiee. If you are going to serve Wookiee, the best way to remove the remaining blood is to soak it because you won’t have to oversalt it. Those things are really tough, so you’ll want to cook it for a very long time. Just ’cause they’re Wookiees. Beefcakes.

  ANN: What would be a good side dish for Wookiee?

  DUFF: Fava beans and a nice Chianti?

  ANN: Seriously, though, what would you drink with Wookiee?

  DUFF: A big Cabernet. You want something either really big or really sharp. A really big dark Cabernet or maybe something that cuts a little bit, like a Pinot Grigio or something like that. Something that would introduce that acid element to it and wash down the years of battle that Wookiee’s been through because it’s all scarred up and tough. So I’m gonna say like a stew. Probably serve it in a stew, or you might get some braised Wookiee shank. There’s no waving the Wookiee over the grill and serving it. That’s just ridiculous.

  ANN: Let me ask you this. What about the pollo maligno in our book — the evil cannibalistic chicken. I don’t know if it’s a cannibalistic chicken because it eats other chickens or eats humans.

  DUFF: I tell you this: definitely, absolutely — if butchered right — totally and completely kosher. And here’s why: You ever seen an industrial chicken farm?

  ANN: I’ve actually seen them on TV but not in person, because I’m afraid.

  DUFF: If those things can be butchered and served glatt kosher, hormone-injected, subjected to the worst kind of animal cruelty, then saying that a cannibalistic chicken wouldn’t be kosher would be straight-up hypocrisy. So pollo maligno is definitely kosher.

  ANN: What would you recommend for preparing it?

  DUFF: Again, you have to assume this is definitely not kept in a farm, so it’ll be a little bit gamey. So I would say cook it for a while, and braise or stew with prunes. Any kind of dried fruit — a dried fruit compote — using any kind of white wine. And then like make a maligno stock as well — don’t let the bones go to waste. If you can get a bunch of these guys together in the same room, butcher them all, but keep the bones. Roast the bones for the stock. Make the stock, and I’d say go heavy on the root vegetables and the onions, because you want that sweetness in there, it being a kind of tough, gamey chicken. So when you’re braising this thing, you’re going to put in the stock, white wine, then throw in a lot of dried fruits and other things that will add sweetness and complexity to the flavor. To mask some of that maligno-ness. They are, in fact, infused with Evil, so you can —

  ANN: Infused with Evil? I kind of wonder how Evil would taste?

  DUFF: Evil is probably kind of like the inside shell of a walnut. I mean if I was going to say what does Evil taste like, I would say walnut shells. Just that really bitter, astringent thing that makes you make a face. Makes your mouth itch. You know what I mean? That little skin inside a walnut you peel off. I’m making evil sounds just talking about it.

  ANN: Evil Monkey would probably taste like that, too.

  DUFF: Monkeys are not kosher, but here’s the thing — if Evil Monkey was served in a Chinese restaurant, anything that’s served in a Chinese restaurant is kosher, even pork. So, if Evil Monkey was prepared in a Chinese restaurant, you’re safe I’d say.

  ANN: Especially if served on Christmas.

  DUFF: Right — yeah, if it’s served on Christmas, anything goes. Swing for the fences. Anything goes. Here’s the thing: I think that if you’re going to deal in mythical creatures, there’s definitely some rules you’ll have to relax a little bit. You just have to. If the laws of kashrut are written with these animals in mind, things might be a little different. Like a Tribble, from Star Trek. Well, you know, what is it? It’s a testicle with fur on it. Let’s be honest. Is that kosher?

  ANN: Well, some testicles are kosher, right?

  DUFF: Like Rocky Mountain Oysters?

  ANN: Bull testicles? I think if the animal it comes from is kosher, then. . .

  DUFF: I would assume that if Rocky Mountain Oysters are kosher, then Tribbles are kosher. Just furry testicles. There you go. There’s another one.

  ANN: How would you cook something like that?

  DUFF: You remove the fur first. Then you steam it, because when you get hit in the nuts, the reason it hurts so bad is because your nuts try to swell. There’s a very tight skin around each testicle and so when they swell, they can’t swell and so it’s like. . .it’s painful. So what you gotta do is steam it a little bit. Gently. Take a knife and make a little cross in the one end of the testicle. Steam it for about thirty seconds or so. Peel that off. Then cut it up in about fifteen pieces or so and just straight-up deep fry that thing. Deep fry it and serve it.

  ANN: Like popcorn shrimp.

  DUFF: A bed of greens would be nice. You could do a Tribble Po’boy — that would be really good.

  ANN: Almost like they’re fried clams.

  DUFF: Yeah, totally. That’s basically what you’re eating. Just chunks of fried meat — and they’re very tender by then. Tribbles would definitely be tender. Their lifespan is, I think, just a few hours. So they don’t live long enough to get tough. To drink with that, I think the preferred drink of choice, with say a fried Tribble platter, would be Yeungling or AmberBock. A good American lager. There’s a great brew right here in Baltimore called Resurrection Ale. It gets you wasted. A really good beer, and it’ll knock you out. So I’d say Resurrection Ale from The Brewer’s Art here in Baltimore would be the beer of choice with a deep-fried Tribble. You’ll want to dip it in mayonnaise, too, for sure.

  ANN: Do you think any of the creatures Clive Barker has created are kosher?

  DUFF: Let’s think about it. Let’s go through Imajica. There was a monkey thing that lived in the attic that is definitely not kosher. The ones that resemble llamas — a good chance they’re kosher. He doesn’t really go into too much detail about many of the fish creatures. Besides, that’s up for debate, because if you look at a shark’s skin close enough, it does have scales. Which makes it kosher. If you can see scales with the naked eye, does that make it kosher — or if you look at it through a microscope, and you see little micro-scales, does that make it kosher? An
d it really just depends on tradition more than anything else. But I’m going to say pretty much anything Clive Barker thought of is probably so twisted and fed on so many non-kosher things, that whatever that thing is, it’s not kosher.

  ANN: We’re allowed to eat locusts, too, you know.

  DUFF: Are you sure?

  ANN: That’s in the Bible. I think that’s the only insect we can eat.

  DUFF: I’m looking at the swarming things, Leviticus 11:12. A few are specifically permitted, but the sages are no longer sure which ones they are, so all of them have been forbidden. There are communities that have traditions about what species are permitted, and some allow insects to be eaten.

  ANN: I think it’s always been local rules for some of those things. Because I know, even with Passover, in certain traditions you can’t have rice, and in other traditions you can.

  DUFF: It really is a quandary, isn’t it? Kosher in general is.

  ANN: There have been major discussions about whether or not angels are kosher, and another discussion about whether they were even imaginary.

  DUFF: If you’re going to eat an angel, I’d eat a cherub. Because they’re younger, tastier. Fat little bastards that can’t move around much, so they’re not going to get real tough. Cherubs are like the veal of the angelic world.

  ANN: Not all angels are sweet and wonderful. Some of them are quite horrific.

  DUFF: I’m sure. I don’t think that would be tasty.

  ANN: There’s also that one angel that’s got three faces. The kids at synagogue always love to read that because it’s just bizarre. And six legs.

  DUFF: What about owls?

  ANN: No, because they’re birds of prey. I was looking at the Cornish Owlman, and that creature is actually very, very creepy. When I started researching that, I had nightmares for like a week. It’s the same creature as the mothman in a way, but even creepier.

  DUFF: Chupacabra?

  ANN: Creepy, too, and potentially so many different things.

  DUFF: Whatever they are, they’re animals of prey.

  ANN: And definitely some kind of mammal. But there’ve been so many different descriptions of what it is.

  DUFF: If you’re going to talk about fantasy animals, there has to be some leeway, like the Chupacabra. Are they tasty?

  ANN: They might be kind of tough and stringy.

  DUFF: Probably, but so is brisket. So you cook it right. I say go for it.

  ANN: What about the Mongolian death worm? Like the sandworms from Dune.

  DUFF: It’s almost like a worm with a skeleton.

  ANN: They have teeth.

  DUFF: I dunno. It’s still pretty snaky.

  ANN: I’m sure it’s not kosher.

  DUFF: It’s either a snake or some sort of tubular sea creature. But it does reside in the Gobi Desert, and we said before if it comes out of a Chinese restaurant, it’s good to go. There’s a good chance the death worm is kosher.

  ANN: How would you cook that?

  DUFF: I’d keep it whole, and I would do it like a Mongolian death worm tempura. No, wait. Here’s what I’d do — I’d grill it and wrap it in seaweed and then wrap it in rice and make a sushi roll out of it. It’s begging for it. So either tempura or a cooked sushi. I wouldn’t eat a raw death worm — looks like it would spill goop on you. But, grilled, yes. Something like that is pure protein, so you’ll want to balance it out with some pickled daikon in the roll so you get that acidic and that sweet element. Fresh mango. And a tempura-fried scallion in the roll. Just be careful with the rice and don’t use fish sauce, because most of it isn’t kosher. I’ve never seen a bottle that’s been certified. You could get a good five sushi rolls out of one of these things.

  ANN: What about Lovecraft’s famous creation, the other-worldly Cthulhu?

  DUFF: Here’s the thing. He — I call him “he” if that’s what “he” is. . .

  ANN: He’s squid- and octopus-like.

  DUFF: He’s very squiddish.

  ANN: So probably not kosher, but if you were going to cook Cthulhu, how would you cook him, or it, or them? They always say the “Old Ones,” so it makes you feel like there’s a lot of them.

  DUFF: Calamari is too easy. I’d broil it and garnish it with paprika, sea salt, and olive oil. It’d be nice, really fresh. So I’d do Cthulhu very Spanish, and I’d say don’t let any part of Cthulhu go to waste — make a nice Cthulhu-ink pasta. And serve the diced Cthulhu straight-up boiled, and even throw some garlic in there, because for as nasty as Cthulhu is, he’s probably pretty bland-tasting. I would serve him with a nice Galatian wine, and that would be a white wine. You don’t find it very often, but they’re very good.

  ANN: A sweet white wine? Well, that would counterbalance the Evil.

  DUFF: It would definitely counterbalance the Evil. I think that Cthulhu, though, if you think about it, once he’s dead, the Evil, automatically disperses into another vessel. So I don’t think there’s a lot of Evil that you have to balance. I don’t think it lingers.

  ANN: So not a pollo maligno.

  DUFF: Yeah, and definitely good with flounder, lobster, scallops. It can go with chicken, pork, and veal as well. Galatian Albarino would be the wine of choice for this guy.

  About the Authors and Designer

  Hugo Award-winner Ann VanderMeer is the fiction editor for Weird Tales and the founder of the award-winning Buzzcity Press. With her husband, she has edited several fiction anthologies, including the Shirley Award Finalist Fast Ships, Black Sails and the World Fantasy Award finalist Steampunk. She teaches Bar/Bat Mitzvah classes for her synagogue, Shomrei Torah, in Tallahassee, Florida.

  World Fantasy Award winner Jeff VanderMeer’s latest books are the noir fantasy Finch and the writer’s strategy manual Booklife. He is the assistant director for Shared Worlds, a teen writing camp. For more information, visit his blog at jeffvandermeer.com.

  John Coulthart, who designed this book, has been a world-recognized illustrator, graphic designer, and comic artist since 1982. His book collection of H.P. Lovecraft comic strip adaptations and illustrations (featuring a collaboration with Alan Moore) was published in a new edition in 2006. He also designed the cult classic The Thackery T. Lambshead Pocket Guide to Eccentric & Discredited Diseases. See more of his work at johncoulthart.com.

  Other Contributors

  Joseph (Joe) Nigg has spent over thirty years exploring the rich cultural lives of mythical creatures for readers of all ages. His intricate illustrated treasuries and fantastical histories, beginning with The Book of Gryphons, have garnered him multiple awards. His new international bestseller, How to Raise and Keep a Dragon, continues to be hugely popular. For more about Joe Nigg, visit his website at josephnigg.com.

  Duff Goldman, who speculates on how best to cook imaginary animals in this book, is the star of Ace of Cakes, a popular reality show that chronicles his world famous cake-making business in Baltimore. An avid fan of science fiction and fantasy, Duff has even been immortalized as a character in the videogame World of Warcraft. For more about Duff, visit charmcitycakes.com.