The Kosher Guide to Imaginary Animals Read online

  ANN: “Sure, why not? It’s not a food item. Scarf it down to your heart’s delight. So long as it’s made from plant fibers, not a treyf animal. And only one type of fiber — no mixing of wool and linen.”

  EVIL MONKEY: “Doesn’t sound too good. I think I’ll pass.”

  Leviathan

  G-d created the Leviathan, an enormous fish, on the fifth day of Creation, as the king of all sea creatures. According to Jewish legend in the World to Come (Ha’Olam Habah), the Leviathan will be butchered and served as a feast to all the righteous, along with the meat of the Behemoth and the Ziz. The skin of this creature will be used as a tent to shelter the festivities. However, the word “leviathan” has come to mean any large sea monster and means “whale” in modern Hebrew. In the lexicon of the modern fisherman telling tales at the bar, it often translates as “the fish I caught was actually only six inches long.” Dr. Jorge Luis Borges, trading once more in the irrelevant and profane, claims that the Leviathan once mated with an onager, creating an animal that shoots out “its ordure like a bolt,” making all who encounter it die by fire.

  EVIL MONKEY: “So is this a sea serpent? Or a whale?”

  ANN: “It’s been interpreted to be a whale, but it really isn’t.”

  EVIL MONKEY: “But the mate of the Leviathan was a crocodile or giant snake. That’s kind of strange. If you’re married to an unkosher animal, can you be kosher?”

  ANN: “Yes, you can, hence you and me.”

  EVIL MONKEY: “Okay, what does Leviathan have to do with Behemoth and Ziz?”

  ANN: “Compensation for keeping kosher. But also, literally, Behemoth is just a giant animal that fights with Leviathan.”

  EVIL MONKEY: “Like Godzilla versus Mothra?”

  ANN: “I don’t think so. And neither of those are kosher.”

  EVIL MONKEY: “How does the Ziz fit in? What did the Ziz fight?”

  ANN: “Itself? Some scholars also think that Leviathan is meant to represent the sea, with Behemoth being land and Ziz being the air.”

  EVIL MONKEY: “Can a metaphor be kosher?”

  ANN: “If it’s not kosher today, it’ll be kosher in the world to come.”

  Manticore

  Taken from far Persia, the word manticore means “man-eater.” Both terrifying and prickly, the manticore has a red body, blue eyes, a mouth full of three rows of teeth, poisoned spines, and a tail that ends in a stinger. Despite this, the beast has a voice that sounds like pipes and a trumpet, no doubt to lure the musically suggestible within its reach. Does it have wings? Perhaps. Some believe that it simply makes very long leaps that simulate flight. Cousin to the Sphinx, the manticore dabbles in riddles with captured prey. That good doctor of the absurd, Jorge Luis Borges, is correct that a manticore makes a cameo on the final pages of Gustave Flaubert’s The Temptation of St. Anthony; many an unwary reader has been asked a riddle when expecting only a conclusion.

  EVIL MONKEY: “A very famous monster! And a friend of mine.”

  ANN: “Maybe so, but not kosher.”

  EVIL MONKEY: “I’m not surprised.”

  ANN: “Does that mean you are finally getting it?”

  EVIL MONKEY: “Maybe. I think you’re saying anything way cool and way evil is not kosher.”

  ANN: “Something like that. . .”

  Mermaid

  Long the bane of sailors, the mermaid is half-human, half-fish. Much like sirens but unlike their distant cousins the banshees, mermaids often have the thankless job of singing to sailors to enchant them or lure them to their deaths. After a bottle of Scotch on the open sea, you will often find mermaids basking on a rock, combing their long beautiful locks of hair while admiring their beauty in a mirror. Should you encounter a mermaid, the best defense is to strip completely naked and show that you have no tail, nor tale. If the singing doesn’t stop, plug up your ears with corks and take a long cold shower while muttering “life insurance, CPAs, drying paint” over and over again.

  ANN: “No, for the obvious reasons.”

  EVIL MONKEY: “What if you marry one? Is that kosher? Will a rabbi marry you?”

  ANN: “Kosher is a term about eating, not about sex.”

  EVIL MONKEY: “I’m not talking about sex — I’m talking about marriage!”

  ANN: “If the mermaid is Jewish, the rabbi will probably marry you. But only if you’re Jewish, too. But you’ll definitely have to find the right rabbi. . .”

  Mongolian Death Worm

  Reported to live in the Gobi Desert during modern times, the Mongolian death worm has been described as a big, fat, bright red worm, almost five feet long. The nomadic tribesmen of the area call it “allghoi” or “intestine worm” because it looks like the large intestine of a cow. It has many different defense systems. It can spit sulfuric acid that kills you on contact. It can murder you at a distance by shooting out electrical charges. It can use the spikes at head and hind to slice through you like a chainsaw. As the worm is most active during June and July, most guidebooks recommend visiting Mongolia in January through May or August through December. It is untrue that the Mongolian death worm can levitate and reach floating speeds of over two hundred miles per hour — nor can it read your thoughts by sending vibrations through your gut area.

  ANN: “No, because you cannot eat anything that crawls on its belly.”

  EVIL MONKEY: “Does that mean an injured kosher animal that is crawling along isn’t kosher any more?”

  ANN: “Yes, because you can’t eat an animal that’s been injured or is sick.”

  EVIL MONKEY: “It’s a wonder you haven’t all starved to death.”

  Ouroboros

  Best known as an ancient alchemical symbol for the integration of the infinite and the opposite, the ouroboros is a tail-devouring serpent or dragon. The ouroboros symbolizes the cycle of life. The Greeks also used ouroboros to mean the ocean, which they saw as a mighty river that ringed the world. Plato thought the idea of the ouroboros proved the universe was created without legs and feet, although no one appears to have doubted this. To others, the ouroboros is a kind of dragon, or possibly even a manifestation of the Leviathan. On a more prosaic level, some ancients saw the ouroboros as a vastly efficient organism that became immortal by eating its own waste.

  ANN: “Not only is it not kosher, what it’s eating is not kosher!”

  EVIL MONKEY: “Do two negatives make a positive? Does eating something not kosher when you are not kosher make it all kosher?”

  ANN: “No.”

  EVIL MONKEY: “Because it’s a cannibal? Self-cannibal?”

  ANN: “Did you hear the one about the two cannibals eating the clown?”

  EVIL MONKEY: “No.”

  ANN: “One says to the other, ‘Does this taste funny to you?’”

  EVIL MONKEY: “That’s disgusting!”

  Phoenix

  According to Enoch, the phoenix has the head of a crocodile and the feet of a lion. The food of the mighty bird consists of manna from heaven and dew from the Earth, and its excrement takes the form of a worm, whose waste in turn is highly prized cinnamon. On the right wing of the phoenix you will find the following tattoo inscribed in huge letters: “Neither the Earth produces me, nor the Heavens, but only the wings of fire.” If you are close enough to read those letters, get thee to a hospital immediately. Dr. Jorge Luis Borges expressed a belief in the phoenix as a reflected vision of the universe. But to you it represents only third-degree burns.

  EVIL MONKEY: “Is the phoenix one of the birds you are allowed to eat?”

  ANN: “I doubt it. Especially since it was the only bird that Eve could not tempt to eat from the Tree of Knowledge.”

  EVIL MONKEY: “Is the Tree of Knowledge kosher?”

  ANN: “I think so, but it’s forbidden — if you could even find one nowadays.”

  EVIL MONKEY: “Well now I have to find one and eat from it.”

  ANN: “Wow, you really are evil.”

  Pollo Maligno

  Of Columbian origin
s, the evil cannibalistic chicken, or “pollo maligno,” is a spirit of the forest that takes the form of poultry. Pollo maligno haunts hunters, drawing them into the deepest forest. Once the hunters are lost, the huge chicken challenges them to a boxing match but cheekily devours them while they’re still preparing for the fisticuffs. Then the pollo maligno runs through the forest screaming its own name until it is absorbed back into the vines and leaves. This mighty chicken is unrelated to the “pollo maligno” familiar to you from bad fast-food joints.

  ANN: “When you say cannibalistic, do you mean a chicken that eats other chickens or a chicken that eats humans?”

  EVIL MONKEY: “When I say pollo maligno, I have no idea what I mean except I sound fierce.”

  ANN: “Well, chickens are kosher, but if it’s eating meat, probably not. . .”

  EVIL MONKEY: “POLLO MALIGNO! POLLO MALIGNO! POLLO MALIGNO!”

  Pope Lick Monster

  First seen in the 1940s at Pope Lick Creek near Louisville, Kentucky, the Pope Lick Monster has been described as half-goat, half-man. Speculation in those parts runs to a belief in the creature being the result of the union of a perverted farmer and his farm animals, or even an escaped vengeful circus-freak. The Pope Lick Monster uses its voice to mimic humans or hypnosis to lure people onto the train trestle under the Norfolk Southern Railway to their inevitable deaths. Some say it is responsible for animal mutilations. Others say it uses a bloody axe to scare its victims. Still others point to the high alcohol intake in the area. If you see the Pope Lick Monster, what were you doing in them parts anyway?

  ANN: “Even with the description, I don’t really know what that is.”

  EVIL MONKEY: “I still believe it’s a monster that licks the Pope, and then the Pope’s magic kung fu banishes it to Pope Lick Creek.”

  ANN: “If it’s licking the Pope, it’s probably not kosher, that’s for sure.”

  Sasquatch (aka Bigfoot)

  Bigfoot, also known as Sasquatch, is supposedly an ape-like creature living in forests, mainly in the Pacific Northwest region of North America. Usually described as a large, hairy, bipedal creature, it ranges between six and ten feet tall. It also weighs in excess of five hundred pounds, and a peculiar quality of its dark brown hair means that it always appears to be blurry even when standing still. Some splinter sects of Bigfoot enthusiasts believe that the creature is actually a huge, highly intelligent air plant, similar to the Spanish moss of the Southeast. This would explain its ability to hide at a moment’s notice.

  ANN: “What is Sasquatch like?”

  EVIL MONKEY: “I’d imagine it’s kind of stringy.”

  ANN: “No, that’s not what I meant.”

  EVIL MONKEY: “Why’re you asking me?”

  ANN: “You’re kind of a Bigfoot. You’re kind of hairy. Isn’t it kin?”

  EVIL MONKEY: “. . .”

  Sea-Monkeys®

  Sea-Monkeys® have been sold as a novelty item since 1960, when scientist Harold von Braunhut discovered that their eggs had a long shelf life out of water and marketed them as “Instant Life.” They are actually a unique species of brine mermaid, a hybrid result of years of crossbreeding. Today there is even a religion devoted to their adoration (seamonkeyworship.com). As the classic tagline goes, “No, they don’t wear lipstick, they don’t play ball, and they don’t go to the movies,” but they have continued to fascinate many for over forty years. Tiny sailors should avoid these tiny brine mermaids. You can communicate with Sea-Monkeys® using a cocktail straw and a microscope, but they rarely have anything interesting to say.

  ANN: “Not this again. Only if they have fins and scales. Wait a minute — aren’t they actually brine shrimp? Then no.”

  EVIL MONKEY: “I don’t think so. The package shows these cute little things with human faces. I think they’re mermaids created by the same guy who drew The Jetsons.”

  ANN: “Well, in that case. . .NO!”

  Shedim

  These dangerous Jewish demons or spirits have the legs of a cock, although they also have bull-like attributes. Some experts believe them to be the descendants of the serpent that convinced Eve to eat of the Tree of Knowledge. Others think they are the offspring of Adam and Lilith. Another theory speculates that their souls were created on the sixth day along with Man, but on the seventh day G-d rested and forgot to give them bodies — hence, they are doomed to forever roam the world as spirits. Sinful people were known to sacrifice their daughters to the shedim as a punishment. Ashes strewn across a floor can reveal the invisible footprints of the shedim. Because saying the word shedim aloud may be enough to invoke them, this guide will never be available as an audiobook.

  ANN: “If you have to eat a demon, you really ought to just go off and die somewhere.”

  EVIL MONKEY: “Good point. Well-played.”

  Tachash

  The skin of the strange animal known as the tachash was used as the outer covering of the tent of the Tabernacle and to wrap sacred objects used within the Tabernacle for transport. Despite this, no one has a good idea of the creature’s appearance. According to the Babylonian Talmud, the tachash was a multi-colored, one-horned desert animal that ceased to exist after being used to build the Tabernacle. However, the (cough cough) always accurate King James version of the Bible translates tachash as “badger.” Other interpretations have described the tachash variously as a “dugong” (citing the similarity between “tachash” and the Arabic word for dugong, “tukhas,” although this word also resembles “tuckas”) or some kind of dolphin, goat, or giraffe. However, no one can even confirm that the tachash is a mammal. Suspiciously, the knowledgeable Dr. Borges is mum on the subject.

  EVIL MONKEY: “Isn’t this the ultimate kosher animal? Bio-engineered by G-d to help out with the Tabernacle?”

  ANN: “All animals are bio-engineered by G-d, you idiot. It says so right there in the first paragraph of Genesis. But the beauty of this animal is that its essential nature is so debatable. And you know us Jews, we like to argue.”

  EVIL MONKEY: “I’m beginning to get that impression.”

  ANN: “Besides, you’ve got to love that in the King James Bible this creature is translated simply as ‘badger.’”

  EVIL MONKEY: “Which is also kosher?”

  ANN: “No. No. No. Have you learned nothing thus far?”

  EVIL MONKEY: “Maybe the tachash are so mysterious ’cause they ran away ’cause you people kept skinning them.”

  Tokoloshe

  Of Zulu origin, the tokoloshe is an evil spirit that sometimes manifests as a dwarf-like water sprite. However, as first documented in the West by the physician née explorer Thackery T. Lambshead, the tokoloshe is most commonly encountered as an evil bear-like humanoid. On top of its head, it has a bony ridge with a hole bored through it. Some believe the tokoloshe is a South African hybrid of a zombie, a poltergeist, and a gremlin, created from dead bodies by a shaman. Somewhat randomly, they become invisible upon swallowing a pebble. Despite being small, the tokoloshe can cause massive destruction. This bizarre creature also likes to pick on innocent school children. Beware of your toes, as the tokoloshe has shown an appetite for the feet of unsuspecting sleepers.

  EVIL MONKEY: “So I’m guessing an evil-looking teddy bear with a hole in its head would not be considered kosher by even the most liberal Jew. . .”

  ANN: “No, the hole in the head doesn’t make it kosher. It’s still a bear, whether evil or sweet.”

  EVIL MONKEY: “Yes, but it also takes the form of a water sprite.”

  ANN: “Right, another reason for not tucking it into bed with you.”

  EVIL MONKEY: “So you could catch it while it’s an evil-looking teddy bear, then give it a pebble.”

  ANN: “And if it became water, you’d be able to. . .well, drink it.”

  EVIL MONKEY: “What if it changes into a teddy bear when it’s in your belly?”

  ANN: “It only matters if it’s kosher while you’re eating it.”

  EVIL MONKEY: “So
theoretically you could eat a pig if it’s a chicken while you’re eating it?”

  ANN: “Yes. Theoretically you could eat a pig if it were a chicken. Idiot.”

  Vegetable Lamb of Tartary

  Among the most benign of creatures, the Vegetable Lamb of Tartary was first described in medieval times from reports brought back from Asia. The vegetable lamb is either a plant that grows an animal or an animal that grows from a seed in the ground. The lamb dies if detached from the plant and can only eat what it finds within reach. Many a Welshman coming home from the pub has seen evidence of the tartary lamb much closer to home in the puffs of wool caught in thickets that seem, eerily, to be “mini-sheep” in a certain light. Be that as it may, no expert has yet ascribed any characteristics to the vegetable lamb other than that it is born, it lives, and it dies. Perhaps its magical powers are exerted in some other realm than ours.

  ANN: “Oh, absolutely kosher! Vegetables are kosher and lambs are kosher! Nice combination. How about some mint with that meal?”

  EVIL MONKEY: “This looks almost as appetizing as a Japanese stirrup critter.”

  Ziz

  Some say the Ziz is a griffin in disguise, so huge that its wingspan blots out the sun. The Ziz is the protector of all birds and has been known to kill people who hurt birds. The name “Ziz” comes from “zeh,” or “this,” the practical linguistic effect of having to describe the multitudinous flavors of its flesh as “it tastes like zeh and like zeh and like zeh.” Along with the aforementioned Behemoth and the Leviathan, the Ziz will be there on the day the world ends, that the righteous may feast upon its flesh. Many scholars have speculated on who would win in a fight, Ziz, Behemoth, or Leviathan. Most believe that Ziz’s superior ability for aerial bombardment would provide a slight edge, given that its capacity for retreat also seems infinitely superior. The Ziz is known as a celestial singer, meaning it may have more value as a dinner guest than as supper.