A Family Affair Read online

  Suddenly I panicked. “Do I look like a soccer mom?” I hopped back into the front and grabbed the rear view mirror, closely inspecting any fine line I had chosen to ignore.

  “Of course you don’t, but really, Paula, do you think anyone is going to hit on you while you are with me? Don’t worry; we’ll go out as soon as I shoot out this kid. I’m going to breastfeed so my figure should come back in no time and I’ll have huge boobs. The guys will love us.”

  “Great. You gonna stuff that ten pound engagement ring up your ass while we are out too? I think that might be more of an obstacle than the pregnancy, which by the way, lots of guys find sexy. Did you know there is a whole pregnant porn section in the DVD aisles at The Love Den?”

  “Get the fuck out of here! Are you serious? Isn’t that the store just beyond that seafood warehouse with the blacked out windows? I heard they sell a lot more than just dirty movies if you know what I mean, and it sounds like you do. By the way, why do you know that?” Mitexi sounded just a little bit too intrigued and it worried me.

  “Me and Perry used to rent dirty videos there and he pointed it out.

  “Are you sure that’s all you took home?”

  I could feel my face flush. “Yes! And I assure you that the other items in there besides the movies are not for renting, you definitely don’t want to reuse any of those goods.”

  “Let’s go check it out. I have to see this first hand.”

  “Are you serious? They are going to think we’re lesbians expecting our first child together and that we can’t get enough.”

  “Well, at least someone will think you are getting it! She cruised through the blinking yellow light, bearing left at the fork in the road and I knew there was no turning back.

  I groaned. “Aren’t you hungry?”

  “I eat all day. Enola has been cooking up pork roasts and chicken pot pies non-stop for the past three weeks. She says I should keep up my iron and protein. Believe me; I can wait an extra half hour. Besides, I’m going to rent one so we have legitimate reason to be in there.”

  “No you’re not!”

  “Why not? Phillip will be beside himself.”

  “Yes, from horror! He isn’t going to let us hang out anymore!”

  “Oh, stop being a wuss bag. I’ll lend it to you when I’m done.”

  “No, thanks, really, I’ll pass. Can you even imagine if Alice caught wind of that? I might as well plan her funeral now.”

  “Maybe she has her own collection. You might be surprised.”

  “Please stop, really, stop!” Then I paused. “Do you think that is why she stays in her room until nine a.m. on weekend mornings?”

  Mitexi burst out laughing as she cut off a minivan that bravely tried to assert their right of way and gave them the finger. “We all have needs.”

  “Oh god.”

  She parked the truck two spaces from the side entrance. Before stepping out, I pulled my hood up tight around my face and the cold had nothing to do with it. A bell tied to the arm on the door jingled as we entered. I know it was for the clerk to be aware that new shoppers had entered, but it seemed to attract the attention of anyone who was close enough and allow them to ponder what kind of kinky fetish you might be into. Mitexi looked at me as if to ask what direction and I nodded toward the back of the store where a neon-sign screamed ‘PORN’ as it dangled from the ceiling.

  “Hey!” Mitexi whispered loudly as if she was trying to penetrate through my tightly drawn hood.

  “Yeah?”

  “Check out that guy over there. He keeps circling the bargain bin we just walked by and then peeking out from underneath that foolish hat he’s wearing, it’s almost like he is hiding or something.”

  We had been in the room literally forty seconds. “How do you notice this stuff so fast?”

  “Because he stunk like he took a bath in Brut and it caught my attention. Didn’t you get a whiff?”

  “No. My uncle has been wearing that since I could walk, I think my senses are immune.” Then it dawned on me. Hoping my instincts were wrong, I bravely turned to look where Mitexi had pointed only seconds ago.

  “You see him?”

  “Say it isn’t so.”

  “What’s the matter?”

  “It’s Uncle Gordie.”

  “Well, what the hell is he doing? He looks like he is spying on someone.”

  We both looked at each other and spoke in unison. “Oh, shit!”

  I walked up and tugged on his coat sleeve, using my best adult reprimanding whisper. “What the hell are you doing here?”

  He turned and looked at me, as if he had no idea who I was. Squinting harder, he returned the question. “Paula? What the hell are you doing here?”

  “You answer first!”

  “It’s Mary Elizabeth. She’s in here with Benny.” He stood facing me directly and rolled his eyes to the right, as if he was pointing over his shoulder. “She broke up with me two days ago.”

  “Oh, jeez, Uncle Gordie, I’m really sorry. Are you trying to avoid them until they leave?”

  “No! I’m following them. Her curves haunt me at night! I knew she had another guy, I just knew it! I never suspected it was my bartender, though.”

  Oh boy, I thought. If he discovered Mary Elizabeth and Benny on his own… “Does this mean you want your money back?”

  “I’m dying of a broken heart here and that’s all you care about? No, you can keep the damn money!”

  “Well, it’s not like Aunt DeDe isn’t home. Why don’t you rent a video and a special toy for the two of you and go back to her bed. From what I hear, you aren’t giving it up anymore.”

  “Does your mother tell you everything?”

  “Unfortunately, yes.” I tried to keep him occupied. “Look over there! Costumes! You guys do role playing?”

  He blatantly ignored what I thought was a fantastic idea, as long as they did it in private that is. “Well, I can’t. She hired someone to follow me and they got pictures of me and Mary Elizabeth in an alley.”

  Suddenly I felt dizzy and leaned against the bargain bin of 70s skin flicks. “Really?”

  “Yes! She wouldn’t show me the pictures, but she let me know she was onto my hustling ways. Friggin’ crazy woman wants a divorce. My life is going down the shitter!”

  I scrambled for the right thing to say, a compromise between sympathy and lies without showing any guilt, well at least minimal guilt for working to bust him on Aunt DeDe’s dime at the same time that he was paying me. “I’m sure the pictures couldn’t have been that good. I mean, maybe you can argue it.”

  “She said you can see the tattoo on my ass cheek! This person must have been some professional!”

  “Oh boy.”

  He snuck a quick peak to the opposite side of the store. “Look at her. She’s beautiful!”

  Mitexi tapped on my shoulder. “Paula? Paula!”

  “Hang on, Mitexi; I need to talk Uncle Gordie out of this love haze he’s stuck in.”

  “Paula!” Her voice was clear and loud, startling the patrons that occupied the back room of shame.

  “What is it?”

  “My water broke.”

  I laughed. “It’s okay, Mitexi. You don’t have to come up with a getaway excuse.”

  “I am not screwing with you,” she hissed. “Look at my pants. That’s not the worst part.” She grabbed my arm for support. “My contractions are getting close. I had been having them all day but I brushed them off. I thought they were just Braxton-Hicks. Maybe that funky looking blob I saw earlier should have been the tip off. I think this is the real thing, though.”

  “Okay, give me your keys. Let’s get you to the hospital; I’ll call Phillip on the way.” I turned to Uncle Gordie. “You’re going to have to let it go, Don Juan. I need help getting her outside.”

  “No way, I can’t let them see me!”

  “Cut the shit, Uncle Gordie. She’s having a baby!”

  Now a crowd had collected.

  “Bot
h of you stop! I don’t think I can make it, Paula. I can feel the head pushing. Help me to that corner and call an ambulance. Hurry!”

  Mitexi was acting strong but I could see the terror in her eyes so I decided I was going to put on my grown up hat and take charge.

  But, before I could dial my phone, a small, older woman in a blond wig, leather pants and a fur coat took it upon herself to yell toward the clerk. “Call 911! There is a lesbian woman getting ready to have a baby back here!”

  “She is not a lesbian!” I retorted. Didn’t I somehow foresee our assumed status on the ride over?

  “Well, then what are you two doing in the ‘adults only’ store together while she is nine months pregnant?”

  My stomach felt weak. If this predicament made the news, my mother would definitely insist on selling the house, an outcome I was sure to never live down. The store was full of commotion; suddenly people were either trying to leave and avoid being recognized or get a look at poor Mitexi squatting against the wall and grunting.

  Uncle Gordie took full advantage of the chaos and bolted for the front entrance, never looking up once the whole way, not that it would have mattered because Mary Elizabeth and Benny were making out next to the handcuffs and whips, completely oblivious to the madness that surrounded them.

  I called Phillip’s cell phone while we waited for the ambulance. I didn’t dare try the house phone, fearing Enola would answer. It was much better to let him handle that.

  “Hey, Phillip,” Putting on my best casual voice when he answered, “We have a small emergency here. We’re at The Love Den and Mitexi’s gone into labor. It looks like she won’t make it to the hospital. There is an ambulance on the way, but I think you might want to meet us here in case the baby comes. I’d feel really awful if you missed it.”

  He skipped over ever important ready to have a baby part. “I’m sorry; did you say The Love Den? I thought you two went out to dinner!”

  “Well, it’s kind of a long story.”

  “Please, please tell me you two were just asking for directions. Normal women would go to the gas station but I’m going to hold onto believing that it was closed, even at 7pm. Right?” Desperation for a logical explanation dominated his tone.

  “Well, see, the thing is…wait, how do you know the area so well?”

  “Never mind!” Phillip cut me off. “I’ll be there in ten minutes. If Enola asks, make sure she thinks Mitexi was moved there for safety! I don’t care what kind of crazy rational you put around it! She’ll be lighting prayer candles for weeks if she discovers you two were in there on purpose before labor started!” He paused. “You aren’t in the back room are you?”

  “Um, kind of. See…” As I started to offer a very pathetic interpretation of the story, he disconnected.

  I watched the clock closely, hoping that the baby wouldn’t beat the ambulance. Mitexi was breathing fast, her dark hair stuck against her forehead while she pushed against the wall, legs spread as if she was ready to go. Thank god it was cold out and she had leggings on under her skirt. I took off my coat and put it across her lap so that she would have something to clutch.

  “I called Phillip. He’s on his way.” I was trying to be as soothing as I could. “Can I do anything for you while we wait?”

  She didn’t hesitate. “Get all of these fucking people out of here!”

  Before I could turn around and encourage all onlookers to move along, most of them had already departed from the room. Mitexi was looking really mean and scary and there were very few that wanted to stick around to experience her wrath. If she happened to get to her feet, which I thought unlikely, I was pretty sure she would at least try and kick some ass. Apparently most of them didn’t want to take their chances. I can’t say I blamed them.

  “They’re here!” the wig wearing woman’s voice travelled from the front of the store.

  A wash of relief waved over me. Mentally, I began preparing all the details to provide to the emergency crew, such as which hospital to go to, when I realized that my worst fears had come to life; it wasn’t medical help, it was the news crew instead.

  “Oh shit! Don’t let them in!” I called to the store clerk who was so delighted by all the action that he practically carried their cameras for them.

  Within seconds, a petite woman with a satin pantsuit introduced herself into the lens.

  “Good evening. I’m Tara McCarver from Channel 8 News!” Her voice was cheery, as if the baby had already arrived. “We are live on the scene at The Love Den, a well known adult emporium, where a young lesbian woman and her partner are preparing for the birth of their child. Sources tell us they were shopping for videos when her water broke.” The camera flashed in mine and Mitexi’s direction. “Here is the happy couple right here! Can you tell us what purchases you ladies were hoping to leave with tonight?”

  The camera man focused on me and all I could manage to respond with was, “Who wears satin when it snows unless it’s a Christmas party?”

  Luckily Phillip and a police officer came bolting into the room and broke up the interview, followed by the long awaited medical personnel. Enola thrashed through the crowd yelling, “I’m the grandmother!” until they let her pass.

  The EMTs checked Mitexi and determined that the baby’s head had already crowned. It was safer to deliver in the store and try and move them after than to do anything now. The area was cordoned off and the remaining brave gawkers were ushered outside onto the sidewalk. Sheets were laid down over the trafficked rug and Mitexi’s soaking pants were gently removed by the younger of the two gentlemen who arrived in the ambulance. He actually looked so nervous I was worried he might faint.

  I decided this would be the most opportune time to excuse myself from the room, but my escape plan was quickly foiled.

  “No, Paula! Stay, please stay.” Mitexi voice had softened and she looked really scared.

  Phillip held her hand as Enola paced back and forth; her facial expressions fluctuated between disgust and curiosity as she observed the wide array of adventurous merchandise that lined the walls.

  Mitexi repeated herself. “Please stay. I need something to focus on.” Her forehead creased as she let out a howling yell that made my knees buckle.

  “I’m here. I won’t leave.” There was a good chance I might pass out but at least I would keep my promise.

  Phillip dabbed her forehead with the soft arm of his down coat and snuggled in close to her.

  “Alright, ma’am, the baby’s head is in full view. I need you to give me a few good strong pushes. Can you do that for me?”

  Mitexi shook her head in agreement, sucked in air and grunted like I’ve only seen on Animal Planet. That was all it took, the baby shot out right into the man’s hands and we all held our breaths until it sputtered a small cough and then let out a piercing cry. Everyone started cheering and clapping. Mitexi looked like she could use a good meal to renew her spent energy, while Enola fussed over the paramedics, telling them what to do as if they didn’t know.

  I looked at Phillip and he had tears streaming down his face. He held Mitexi’s head, trying to keep her as comfortable as he could.

  After the cord was cut and the baby’s vital signs were checked, it was wrapped into a crisp cotton blanket. The man in charge handed Mitexi the tightly wound bundle and announced “It’s a girl!”

  The proud new parents looked astonished as if they couldn’t believe this tiny little person was actually theirs to keep. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Enola make a quick jerk toward her daughter, as if instinct was kicking in and she hoped to scoop that package up and hold it gently against a more experienced bosom, so without hesitation I intercepted, linked my arm in hers and redirected our momentum for a walk in the opposite direction.

  “That’s one sweet granddaughter you just inherited.” I complimented her to help with the distraction.

  Enola grinned at me. “She sure is. I almost can’t believe the time finally came.”

  I knew exac
tly what she was talking about. All of us were aware that the impending birth would become reality at some point but there were days were I thought Mitexi had been pregnant forever. Oddly as much as Enola wanted to grab that baby and hold her close, I wanted to do the same to my best friend. How would I learn to share her with another? Together, we glanced back over our shoulders and, along with the idle eyes of naked women and unrealistically proportioned men looking on from plastic covers and took in the miracle that happened. Not quite a Lifetime movie, but pretty damn close.

  -13-

  “I am not a lesbian, Mom!”

  Unfortunately, Alice had been watching the news when Ms. Satin Pantsuit revealed the inaccurate details.

  “I know you and Mitexi have been friends for a long time. But how long have you two been carrying on this secret relationship? I always knew it was suspicious. All of the other girls moved away after college, but you two came back and spend so much time together.”

  “Did you forget that the reason it was on the news was because she was having a baby?”

  “Well, yes, of course, I’m not saying she doesn’t love Phillip too. You’re right, dear, only you would be the lesbian. She would be a transgender.”

  “No, Mom! She would be a bisexual!”

  “Oh, that’s right, dear, a bisexual. See? I knew it.”

  “No, you don’t know it. Neither of us are what you’re saying!”

  “Then how did you know what the correct term was? Only people that are involved in such a thing would know the right verbiage.”

  “Alright then, if you want to believe I love women, so be it. But I am telling you it’s not my thing. Did you think I was stalking Perry for a cover up?”

  She paused. “Are you sure?”

  “I swear on Penelope Kitty.”

  “That’s very serious, Paula.”

  “I know, Mom. I’m telling you the truth.”

  “Then when will I get a granddaughter?”

  “Maybe I can find a man first? I’m pretty sure I’m on strike two with the latest news interview. If I go to the sperm bank and some fiasco breaks out and you and Dad see me on TV again, I’m guessing that will be it. You’ll erase me from the family history books for good.”