A Family Affair Read online

  “So, what the hell is going on? I can’t believe your mother let you take the car.”

  I laughed as I drank and coffee came out my nose. “Well, Aunt DeDe came by last night and she wants me to keep tabs on Uncle Gordie. She thinks he is having an affair.”

  My dad never cared for Aunt DeDe. He always thought she was a gold digger and not pretty enough for the attitude she carried. “I’m not surprised.”

  “You’re not surprised that she wants me to watch him or that she thinks he is hooking up with someone else?”

  “Either. Well actually I am surprised that it has taken her this long to catch on. He has had dozens of flings though out the years.”

  “Get out of here! Really? But he’s so, I don’t know, not charming. I mean he’s nice enough but in an icky kind of way, if you know what I mean.”

  “Paula, it’s the money. You’d be surprised what men can get away with if they have a little something to distract the girls from actually looking at or talking to them.”

  “That is so gross.”

  “I’m glad you feel that way, because if you were sleeping with Uncle Gordie, I’d have a huge problem with it.”

  “Okay, that is disgusting.”

  He leaned back so the waitress could position his plate on the table. “What triggered her suspicion?”

  “Well, she overheard a young woman talking about her married boyfriend in a boutique and apparently it sounded exactly like an Uncle Gordie description. Then later she got home and tried to talk to him about the Charity Auction, he told her he had plans already. So she is convinced something is going on.”

  “I’m surprised he didn’t toss her a diamond bracelet or offer a trip to Italy to sidetrack the conversation, that’s how he usually handles those situations.”

  “You really think that would have worked?”

  “Absolutely, it always did before! He must have it hot for this one; he’s usually much more on top of his game. I can’t imagine how he didn’t figure skipping the auction wouldn’t bend your aunt completely out of shape.”

  “Yeah, well, that and he doesn’t give her sex anymore.”

  “I’m scared to ask how you know that.”

  “Mom.”

  “That woman was not born with any sort of filters.”

  “I know way more than I want to. But anyway, Aunt DeDe gave me ten thousand dollars cash to stalk him.”

  Bacon fell right out of Ron’s mouth. “Excuse me? Did you check the bills? You sure she didn’t make them in the basement?”

  “She said she made a withdrawal that afternoon and that she didn’t want to write a check because they share the account.”

  “I can’t even believe your mother let her talk you into this. Was she home?”

  “Yes, she had her over for dinner and they both came at me with the idea. But I know Mom wasn’t comfortable. She had so many hives I wasn’t sure if we should go to the ER.”

  “So, I am assuming you accepted the offer?”

  “Damn straight I did! How else am I going reclaim my previous life by working at a minimum wage job?”

  “Well, I am proud of you for considering your own needs first among the craziness.”

  “DeDe says she is going to take him for all he’s got if she finds out that it’s true and personally I am pretty sure she has a good case.”

  “First she would have to prove it. He’s always been decent at covering his tracks. Do you really think you are going to dig up some kind of legitimate evidence against him?”

  “It could happen.”

  “Listen, kiddo, if there was a sale at Nordstrom’s tomorrow morning, Uncle Gordie’s supposed scandal would take a back seat, and by the time DeDe was done spending, her theory of his infidelities will be long forgotten. I’m sure of it.”

  “Even if he was really up to something?”

  “Well, I have seen him chase plenty of skirts, but honestly, most of his liaisons were pretty insignificant. Don’t get me wrong, I still would be upset if it was being done to me, but I’m not sure that buying pretty girls gifts for twenty seconds of satisfaction would really cause Aunt DeDe to do something so drastic.”

  “I don’t know, Dad. I think this time might be different.”

  “You seem very convinced.” Ron paused and glared straight at me. “What makes you so sure?”

  “Because the night before Aunt DeDe came over to Mom’s, Uncle Gordie gave me seven thousand dollars to follow his mistress. He thinks she’s cheating on him.”

  Ron called the waitress over. “What time do you start serving beer? I think I need a drink.” He turned back to me. “Are you telling me the truth or have you been alone at Alice’s for so long you have had to make up stories to keep yourself busy?”

  “I swear on Penelope Kitty.” Dad knew that meant business. Penelope was my favorite cat who got her head stuck in a hole when I was twelve and had to have her eye removed after a snake bit it.

  “Why is everyone suddenly asking you to do their dirty work?”

  “Because I am a well-known stalker, at least as far these city limits are concerned.”

  He laughed. “Listen, if you just made seventeen thousand dollars in two days because your emotions outweighed your common sense, I almost feel as though using my hard earned money to pay for your college education might have been a waste.” He took a long haul off of the beer that the waitress returned with. “But really, don’t you dare get in the middle of it. Give them their pictures, but make it perfectly clear that you don’t want it revealed that you were sent to do the dirty work. Take your money and forget it ever happened as soon as you are done.”

  “I know, Dad. I promise.”

  We finished our food, said our goodbyes and as I waited for the windshield to defrost, I planned my afternoon. Somehow it was more fun when Mitexi was with me, but I didn’t need her slipping on a patch of ice and taking a chance that the baby would come out on the sidewalk.

  -10-

  My first drive by would be past Oscar’s Omelet’s again. I wasn’t sure where Benny lived, but I was hoping that it was somewhere in that vicinity and that maybe he and Mary Elizabeth would be out together again since her apartment was close by. I figured the possibility of catching them on the street was reasonable because I definitely didn’t get the feeling that she had any concern over whether Uncle Gordie happened to drive by and see them hand in hand. He was a prominent figure in the city because of all of his restaurants and everyone knew he had been married forever so it wasn’t likely that he would throw a public rant. The person who would suffer the most would probably be Benny, who would certainly lose his job. I wasn’t sure that he cared, though, because it appeared he was getting the biggest prize of all.

  I cruised Mom’s Saab wagon slowly around a five mile radius of Mary Elizabeth’s apartment, hoping to catch her and Benny looking lovingly into each other’s eyes. Of course, it was a long shot considering the weather. Anyone seen outside was only moving from one indoor spot to the next. This would be a lot easier if it was summer, I thought.

  I wondered where Uncle Gordie and Mary Elizabeth went to…you know; take care of ‘business’. I supposed they might go to her apartment but I had a sneaking suspicion she didn’t really want him that close to her personal life. I highly doubted they went parking either, not only because of the weather but her high maintenance attitude would have squashed that suggestion before the words rolled from Uncle Gordie’s mouth. I imagined his big white ass humping up and down, only to be seen from the outside of a foggy backseat window of his Escalade and a group of traumatized kids staring on in horror. The thought made my brunch hop into my throat. The only logical solution would be a hotel, at his expense of course.

  After forty-five minutes of driving the same terrain repeatedly, I was bored. How long was I required to watch I wondered?

  After passing Milka’s Pastry Shop, I circled around and pulled into the parking lot. Another coffee and a sticky streusel sounded like just the thin
g to keep my blood sugar humming. Instantly, I had a sudden and horrible vision of myself, sitting in a parked car with piles of empty paper cups on the floor and cheeseburger wrappers stuffed into the wedge of the dashboard under the window, while my overextended sweatpants cut into my side as I occasionally nodded off from the lack of oxygen to my brain because my fat neck was restricting my air way. The thought made me shudder, but my period was due and I wasn’t forfeiting the pastry. Instead, I opted to load on my winter gear and take a brisk walk while I ate it. At least it would get me out of the car. I stuffed a camera in each coat pocket, like Yosemite Sam with a pair of guns and stepped into the lot, almost tumbling over when a gust of arctic wind blasted my small frame from behind.

  Within minutes I was back outside of the shop, nibbling on a tasty goody, which was ranking a close second to rolling naked in money on my Things That Make Me Happy list. I trudged up 45th Street and circled the block. The smaller my streusel got, the less I wanted to be outside, so I decided to cut through an alley and shorten the distance back to the car. Typically I wouldn’t have gone that way; I could hear Alice’s voice lecturing me on the dangers of unfamiliar places. But it was daytime, and being surrounded on both sides from brick buildings significantly cut back on the wind.

  At the far end of the shortcut was a huge green dumpster where I could clearly hear heavy grunting noises echoing from the opposite side. I cautiously approached; hand on phone in case I needed to dial 911, when suddenly the high pitched pant of a woman’s voice sliced through the air. Certain someone was being attacked, I moved as close as I could; hoping to get a quiet but quick glance so that I could give the police a description.

  A wave of horror washed over me as I peeked past the dumpster and saw a heavy, older man, pants dropped around his ankles, mounting a woman half his size against the front bumper of a large vehicle. It was immediately apparent this wasn’t an attack but a disgusting (at least from my point of view) encounter. A moment later, I realized it was a white Cadillac SUV and there were long ringlets of shiny brown hair flung over the hood of the truck. Unfortunately this confirmed their identities; Mary Elizabeth and Uncle Gordie. My theory that they would never go parking just flew right out the window and even worse, I had to take—gulp—pictures.

  I made sure to flick on the flash this time. I never wanted to have to capture this Kodak moment again, and after aiming the camera best I could, I closed my eyes and clicked away. Thanks to their heated moment, there could have been a dozen people behind them and they wouldn’t have noticed.

  The only benefit of Uncle Gordie’s pants resting on his wing tips was that the distinct tattoo of a heart with a key in the side of it and the word “DeDe” through the middle was glaringly obvious and right where my aunt mentioned it would be located. If a photo of that didn’t convince DeDe of his unfaithfulness, nothing would. Although you wouldn’t be able to see a full view of the Coke bottle under him, her shapely legs were visible and clearly a woman’s. Uncle Gordie was busted. I was pretty sure that Aunt DeDe didn’t care who the girl was; this evidence was more than enough proof for her to make sure that half of everything he owned would become officially hers.

  Since the pictures were snapped, I stuffed the camera back in my pocket and turned to run like wildfire when I heard Mary Elizabeth’s voice. I crouched behind the dumpster, breath sucked in and suddenly feeling like I had to pee because, as usual, urination is always a guaranteed preoccupation to any shady situation I find myself in.

  “Are you done yet?” she asked, her voice bored and annoyed. “I think my nipple is frozen to the hood. I can’t believe you are so uptight about doing it in the Escalade. You make enough money, go get it detailed after!” Mary Elizabeth was pissed.

  “Well, I would pay for a room if you would stick around longer than six minutes after I finish!”

  “Six minutes is more like the equivalent of how long it takes you to finish. I would at least take a bath before I left! Are you calling me some kind of dirty pig? I mean do you really expect me to spend the day in bed with you canoodling? Isn’t that what your wife is for?”

  Uncle Gordie instantly retracted. “Oh, come on now, that’s not fair. Don’t say that. I’m sorry, Sugar Plum.”

  I almost threw up in my mouth. If he ever called me that again…

  Mary Elizabeth softened to him. “Alright, Gordie Wordie, I’m sorry. Can we go pick out that necklace I had my eye on now?”

  “Whatever you want, princess cakes. Let me just grab a wet nap.”

  I have to admit, I was a little taken back that neither of them seemed concerned to be in a public alley with private parts exposed and arguing over where else they should have done their dirty deed. I made a solid promise to myself right at that moment that if I ever got the opportunity to graduate my stature far above current circumstances, that I would definitely keep my sense of entitlement in check; no ignoring extramarital affairs because there was a 20% off sale somewhere fantastic and absolutely no naked arguing in the Business District.

  I heard both car doors close and the engine start to purr. Luckily he backed out of the alley and my cover was secure. I realized I had become the traumatized kid I had imagined sympathy for earlier. That was the single most horrifying thing I had ever witnessed and as far as I was concerned, Aunt DeDe should have paid me twenty thousand.

  -11-

  Alice was stirring shredded turkey and gravy on the stove when I finally got home. It’s a rare instance when I feel I’m happy to be here, but at this very moment, I was. The food smelled good and the house looked comfortable. I was ready to lay low the rest of the afternoon; take a warm bath, count my money again, and even enjoy dinner with my mom. I was willing to do anything I could to erase the visions of Uncle Gordie’s tattooed and naked ass dancing in my head.

  “Hi dear. How did the stalking go today?” My mother could make anything sound proper even when it so wasn’t.

  I laughed. “Fine. Well, it was pretty uneventful for a little while but then it flipped into the extreme opposite.”

  “Did you see anything?”

  “Mom, I saw more than I ever should have. I might need therapy after this. You can let Aunt DeDe know the job is done. I’ll let you give these to her.” I tossed the envelope of developed pictures onto the counter. “I’m going to take a bath. Brace yourself.”

  She flipped open the cardboard cover and I hadn’t even hit the third tread on the stairs when my mother called out.

  “Oh! Oh, that’s not…oh, goodness. Good lord! Paula, are you sure you’re okay? I think I need a stiff drink.”

  -12-

  The next few days proved uneventful as far as my search for catching Benny and Mary Elizabeth together, or Mary Elizabeth and anyone else for that matter. I did keep a spare camera on me while I was writing tickets for meter violators, hoping that maybe I would be fortunate enough to witness the two in some sort of rendezvous, but no such luck. By the time I was finished with work, there was only about fifteen minutes of daylight left and it was so cold that sweeping the blocks closest to the bus station before heading home was all I could manage.

  Not wanting Uncle Gordie to be discouraged, I did send him an anonymous letter update, as he’d requested, and told him I was able to witness his mistress in the company of another, but the pictures were of poor quality. I did not, however, allude to who that person was. My instincts told me it was best to leave that detail out. Hopefully my next snaps of them together would reveal her in clear view and keep Benny faceless. If she was with someone I didn’t know and looking cuddly, I would be sure to capture the whole scene, but I couldn’t help feeling bad that Benny’s livelihood was in jeopardy over his present love interest. It was likely that maybe I was being a bit premature on sympathy; I honestly didn’t know how clued in he was on Mary Elizabeth’s rendezvous’ with Uncle Gordie, but the potential of him losing a job under those circumstances really hit close to home for me.

  Mitexi called me Thursday night and asked if I�
��d had any luck. I cried my woes to her and she suggested that we go out for dinner on Friday. I agreed. Apparently all she wanted to do these days was clean, which the doctor explained to her was the ‘nesting’ phase and normal before delivery. The problem was that Enola always had the house pretty close to sterile so a hearty meal was an acceptable alternative as far as Mitexi was concerned.

  She also mentioned that Phillip had told her he had seen the Coke bottle having lattes with a good looking gentleman, not Uncle Gordie, at the coffee shop on Atlas Boulevard. Based on his description, Mitexi was almost positive that her nameless friend was Benny. We set a plan to do a few drive-bys, go eat and then re-check before going home. It was a date.

  I let Alice know that I wouldn’t be home for dinner the following evening and packed an extra set of clothes before I went to bed that night. There was no way I was going to eat in a restaurant in that stupid ass uniform, no matter where we went.

  Mitexi picked me up as planned and I changed in the back of her Navigator. Luckily, she showed some mercy and actually stopped where she was legally obliged to so that I didn’t roll off the seat while my legs were half trapped in jeans, as I did my best to shimmy them up my body.

  “Good thing you’re not fat…or pregnant,” Mitexi called over the driver’s seat. “That would never work for me. Besides, I would have had to pack an extra pair of undies too; there was some nasty looking, clear booger thing in mine before I left the house tonight. I wonder what that was all about.”

  “Um, that is absolutely disgusting. I don’t want to begin to think where that came from. Anyway even if I was house-sized I would still make changing a priority versus having to wear that polyester outfit when I’m not clocked in. Anyways, what if we run into a hot guy or something?”

  “You can toss that theory out the window. Mr. Right would take one look at us and decide that you are my soccer mom best friend taking me out for dinner to let me know what I can expect from the joys of labor.”