Toujours Tingo Read online

  The typically polite Japanese use few insults and those they do use tend to be indirect. Baka (fool) is a combination of the words for ‘horse’ and ‘deer’, with the implication that anyone who cannot tell a horse from a deer is obviously a fool.

  Get lost !

  Other cultures get straight to the point:

  vai à fava (Portuguese) go to the fava bean!

  sukse kuuseen (Finnish) ski into a spruce!

  ej bekot (Latvian) go mushrooming!

  skatertyu droga (Russian) table cloth to the road!

  … especially in the Spanish-speaking world:

  banarse take a bath!

  buscar berros find watercress!

  freir bunuelos fry doughnuts!

  fireir esparragos fry asparagus!

  hacer gargaras gargle!

  a la goma as far as rubber stretches!

  Dumb as bread

  The rest of the world is not short of colourful verbal insults. ‘May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits,’ they say in Arabic; and many other languages compare people to animals when being rude. In French your object of scorn is a chameau (camel) or vache (cow); in Swahili, a punda (zebra); while in Vietnam you call the offender do cho de, literally, you dog birth. Other expressions of abuse have clearly exercised the full imagination of the truly upset:

  du bist doch dumm wie Brot (German) you are as dumb as bread

  korinttiaivot (Finnish) an insult to describe the old (literally, currant brains)

  du kannst mir mal in die Schuhe blasen (Swiss German) kiss my arse (literally, you can blow into my shoes)

  du kannst mir gem den Buckel runterrutschen und mit der Zunge bremsen (Austrian German) you can slide down my hunchback using your tongue as a brake

  Anger – hair

  Now things are in danger of getting seriously out of control:

  tener una cara de telefono ocupado (Puerto Rican Spanish) to be angry (literally, to have a face like a busy telephone)

  Gesicht wie ein Feuermelder (German) to be so angry that one’s face turns red (literally, a face like a fire extinguisher)

  mencak-mencak (Indonesian) to stamp one’s feet on the ground repeatedly, getting very angry

  dohatsu-ten o tsuku (Japanese) to be beside oneself with rage (literally, anger-hair points to heaven)

  mouton enragé (French) maddened sheep (said of an angry person who is usually calm)

  waśihdaka (Dakota, USA) one who gets angry at everything

  False friends

  twist (Dutch) quarrel, dispute, altercation, wrangle

  batman (Turkish) thrust

  unfair (Dutch) to hit below the belt

  pee (Dutch) to be annoyed

  hot (Swedish) threat

  The blame game

  When the blood is boiling things can get increasingly complicated:

  togogata (Yamana, Chile) to turn one’s attention and anger from one person to another

  fijoo (Mandinka, West Africa) anger at someone other than the one who caused the anger

  babit (Malay) to implicate third parties in a dispute

  hewula (Tsonga, South Africa) to shout down one who keeps on arguing after the evidence has shown him to be guilty

  Macho moment

  Pray God, it doesn’t turn physical:

  imbang (Malay) reluctant but prepared to fight

  makgatlha (Setswana, Botswana) challengers who show their wish to fight by throwing down a handful of earth

  dii-konya (Ndebele, Southern Africa) to destroy your own property in anger

  lusud (Manobo, Philippines) to go into someone’s house to fight them

  parandhu parandhu adikkaradhu (Tamil) to fight by jumping and flying in the air

  langola (Mambwe, Zambia) to repeatedly throw a man very hard to the ground

  sugun (Malay) seizing the hair or throat to force down your adversary

  cisanan (Yamana, Chile) a canoe with an avenger of blood in it coming to exact vengeance

  The female is the deadlier…

  The Finnish have a wonderful word, knapsu, for anything that’s not male behaviour. Other cultures are quick to notice the gender-specific:

  Stutenbeißen (German) the special behaviour of women in a rivalry situation (literally, mare biting)

  dzinana (Tsonga, South Africa) to pummel one another with the side of the fists, away from the thumb, as fighting women do)

  vongola (Tsonga, South Africa) to expose the buttocks (which is done by women as the ultimate insult when they run out of invective)

  agarrar(se) del chongo (Latin American Spanish) to brawl, to fight – applied to women (literally, to grab each other by the bun of the hair

  The flapping of wings

  Whatever sex we are, we sometimes can’t resist having the last word:

  kulumbana (Tsonga, South Africa) to follow a person who left a meeting in disgust and shout insults and reproaches after him

  dar patadas de ahogado (Latin American Spanish) to fight a losing battle (literally, to thrash around uselessly when you’ll drown anyway)

  aleteo (Caribbean Spanish) the last words in a lost argument (literally, flapping of wings)

  IDIOMS OF THE WORLD

  The pot calling the kettle black

  c’est l’hôpital qui se moque de la Charité (French) it’s the hospital that mocks Charity

  bagoly mondja a verébnek, hogy nagyfejü (Hungarian) the owl calls the sparrow big-headed

  rugala se sova sjenlci (Croatian) the owl mocked the tit

  il bue die dice cornuto all’asino (Italian) the ox saying ‘horned’ to the donkey

  rîde ciob de oală spartă (Romanian) the splinter laughs at the broken pot

  al jamal ma yishuf sanamu (Arabic) the camel cannot see its own hump

  ein Esel schimpft den anderen Langohr (German) a donkey gets cross with a rabbit

  6.

  The Rules of Attraction

  a tola e à lettu alcunu rispettu (Corsican)

  have no respect at the table and in bed

  The Russian word for falling in love, oupast’, also means to be at a loss, to understand nothing. Other languages stress the magic of the early stages of the romantic encounter:

  koi no yokan (Japanese) a sense on first meeting that some-thing is going to evolve into love

  ong buóm (Vietnamese) bees and butterflies, flirtations, love-making

  anhimmeln (German) to look enraptured at someone (literally, as if they were the sky)

  No – pan kissa

  On summer evenings, in little towns in Italy, young men and women fare la passeggiata, perambulating the central square sizing each other up and flirting, or, as they say in that country, fare il gal-letto, to do like the rooster. Other societies offer other options:

  blyazh (Russian) a beach where girls can be picked up

  kamáki (Greek) the young local guys strolling up and down beaches hunting for female tourists (literally, harpoons)

  no-pan kissa (Japanese) coffee shops with mirrored floors to allow customers to look up waitresses’ skirts

  tyčovka (Czech) a woman who hangs on to the pole next to the bus driver and chats him up

  Like a motorway

  In Indonesia, they have a word for falling in love at first sight: kepincut. But when it comes to what’s most attractive in a woman, there seems to be no accounting for tastes:

  rombhoru (Bengali) a woman having thighs as well-shaped as banana trees autostrada (Italian) a very slender girl without pronounced sexual attributes (literally, a motorway)

  e thamba (Oshindonga, Namibia) a big, fat and clean girl

  baffona (Italian) an attractive moustachioed woman

  at have både til gården og til gaden (Danish) a woman well equipped both at the front and the rear (literally, to have both to the courtyard and to the street)

  Double take

  Certainly, caution is advised in the early stages:

  layogenic (Tagalog, Philippines) someone good-looking from afar but not up c
lose

  daburu bikkuri (Japanese) women who, as they are approaching a stall, look so attractive that they give the vendor a shock, but when they finally arrive at his counter they give him another shock as the scales fall from his eyes (literally, double shock)

  A face only a mother could love

  And one should always be wary of a blind date:

  kakobijin (Japanese) the sort of woman who talks incessantly about how she would have been thought of as a stunner if she had lived in a different era, when men’s tastes in women were different (literally, bygone beauty)

  kimangamanga (Gilbertese, Oceania) a person with a ridiculous walk and defective bottom

  sjøstygg (Norwegian) being so ugly that the tide won’t come in if you’re on the shore (literally, sea ugly)

  skreeulelik (Afrikaans) scream ugly (i.e. so frightening as to make the viewer scream)

  être moche à caler des roués de corbillard (French) to be extremely ugly (literally, to be ugly enough to stop the wheels of a hearse)

  Diving fish, swooping geese

  In China, many hundreds of years ago, a poet said of the great beauty Hsi Chi that when she went for a walk fish dived deeper, geese swooped off their course, and deer ran into the forest before her beauty. Therefore, instead of saying a woman is as beautiful as Hsi Chi, in Chinese one simply says the four words ch’en yü, le yen, diving fish, swooping geese.

  You beautiful creature

  In other languages the comparison with animals may be even more direct. In Arabic, a beautiful woman is spoken of as having yoon al ghrazaali, the eyes of the gazelle. Similar metaphorical expressions abound:

  miyulesa (Sinhala, Sri Lanka) a woman with eyes like a deer’s

  omïrïghlïgh (Khakas, Siberia) a person having a beautiful bearing in the same way that a horse has a strong chest

  kati-keharï (Hindi) having the waist of an elegant lion (used of an attractive woman)

  And what do women want?

  The men of the Wodaabe (a nomadic tribe of Central and East Africa) perform the yaake, a competition of charm and personality judged by young women. Performing the yaake, a man who can hold one eye still and roll the other is considered particularly alluring by the judges.

  karlakarl (Swedish) a real man

  bellone (Italian) a hunk who’s rather too pleased with himself

  tarzan (Hebrew) a dandy

  armoire à glace (French) a great hulking brute (literally, a wardrobe of ice cream)

  Double Valentine

  In Japan, Valentine’s Day is celebrated on two different dates: 14 February, when girls are allowed to express their love to boys by presenting chocolate; and 14 March, known as White Day, when the male has to return the gift he received. Chocolates given sincerely on these days are honmei-choko, true-feeling chocolates. However, women are also obliged to give chocolates to all the men in their lives, meaning large numbers of co-workers, bosses, etc. These are known as giri-choko, obligatory chocolates.

  My Japanese stamps

  The Hindi language has sandesh-kāvya, describing a poetic form where the lover sends his message of love and yearning to his beloved through clouds or birds. The Mailu language of Papua New Guinea has oriori, a boy’s song to attract a girl. Aspiring Western Romeos often prefer a more basic approach:

  war dein Vater ein Dieb? Weil er die Sterne vom Himmel gestohlen hat um sie dir in die Augen zu setzen (German) Was your father a thief? Because he stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes

  scusa, bad gli sconosciuti? No? Allora, mi presento… (Italian) Excuse me, do you kiss strangers? No? Well, let me introduce myself…

  venez voir mes estampes japonaises (French) Why don’t you come up and see my Japanese stamps

  Hit by a basket

  Not all approaches are necessarily welcome:

  echar(le) los perros a alguien (Latin American Spanish) to flirt with, make a pass at someone (literally, to set the dogs on someone)

  oshi no itte (Japanese) to pursue someone aggressively; to not take no for an answer (literally, pushing and pushing alone)

  dostat košem (Czech) to flirt with or hit on somebody who isn’t interested and turns you down (literally, to be hit by a basket)

  dikupu (Setswana, Botswana) stubs or stumps of hands or legs (said teasingly by women to a man who shows no interest in them)

  Octopussy

  And there are some guys who just don’t get the message at all:

  atracador (Latin American Spanish) a person who feels up a woman; someone whose sexual advances are heavy-handed and unwelcome (literally, mugger)

  ozhappu edukkaradhu (Tamil) an act of sexual harassment perpetrated against female passengers in a crowded bus or train

  el pulpo (Spanish) someone who is ‘all hands’, who likes to touch women inappropriately (literally, octopus)

  Gooseberry

  However well or badly it’s going, in matters of romance, two’s company, but three is very definitely a crowd:

  tocar el violin (Chilean Spanish) a person who uncomfortably accompanies an amorous couple (literally, to play the violin)

  segurando a vela (Portuguese) to be the third wheel on a date (literally, holding the candle)

  False friends

  sleep (Afrikaans) girlfriend or boyfriend

  titì (Tagalog, Philippines) penis

  poluzzione (Italian) semen

  Puff (German) brothel

  spunk (Scots) a spark of fire

  bite (French) penis

  chain (Yiddish) charm

  See – you – home wolf

  Beware those for whom the habit has become more important than the object:

  Schuerzenjaeger (German) someone who chases after women (literally, a hunter of aprons)

  amoureux d’une chèvre coiffée (French) a man who is attracted to every woman he sees (literally, a lover of a goat whose fur is combed)

  buaya darat (Indonesian) a man who fools women into thinking he’s a very faithful lover when in fact he goes out with many different women at the same time (literally, land crocodile)

  okuri-okami (Japanese) a man who feigns thoughtfulness by offering to see a girl home only to try to molest her once he gets in the door (literally, a see-you-home wolf)

  tlazolmiquiztli (Aztec) the stench which emanates from adulterers

  No sweat

  For the less sophisticated, courtship can be full of confusing obstacles and hard work:

  castigar (Latin American Spanish) purposely to ignore your boyfriend or girlfriend in order to heighten their yearning for you

  janeleiro (Portuguese) said of one who spends a lot of time at the front window, especially a young woman who is something of a coquette

  talisuyò (Tagalog, Philippines) the work done by a man to win a lady’s hand

  shvitzer (Yiddish) someone who sweats a lot (especially a nervous seducer)

  otenkiya (Japanese) someone who blows hot and cold (literally, weatherman)

  Peppery – hot

  So we can only hope that sincere feeling will win the day:

  cay (Vietnamese) to be peppery-hot; to have a passion for an jemandem einen Affen gefressen haben (German) to be infatuated with someone (literally, to have eaten a monkey in someone)

  ciğerimin köşesinden (Turkish) to love someone from the bottom of your heart (literally, from the corner of your liver)

  avoir des atomes crochus (French) to really hit it off (literally, to have hooked atoms)

  Mouth relaxation

  Comes the magic moment when the mental can at last become physical:

  oxsanïstïr (Khakas, Siberia) to let oneself be kissed

  conk (Hindi) the imprint of a kiss

  smirikin (Scots) a stolen kiss

  şap şap öpmek (Turkish) to kiss by making a smacking noise with the lips

  csókolgat (Hungarian) to shower with kisses

  cupang (Indonesian) a love bite (literally, Siamese fighting fish)

  Spider feet

  Then how
easy life can be:

  afilar (Argentinian Spanish) to chat with your sweetheart

  gemas (Indonesian) a feeling of finding something or somebody so cute that you want to squeeze or pinch it

  cafuné (Brazilian Portuguese) the loving, tender running of one’s fingers through the hair of one’s mate (from the act of a favoured slave who picked lice out of the slavemaster’s child’s hair)

  cwtch (Welsh) to hug and snuggle up in a loving way

  faire des pattes d’araignée (French) to touch rightly with the fingertips (literally, to make spider feet)

  The Paraguayan way

  One thing leads to another and soon events move to a whole new level. As the Russians say, ‘Snyavshi shtany, po volosam ne gladyat’, once you’ve taken off your pants it’s too late to look at your hair:

  zulana (Mambwe, Zambia) to undress one another

  lapóng (Tagalog, Philippines) sexual foreplay with the breasts

  ikibari (Japanese) a lively needle, if a man is willing but under-endowed

  Notstandt (German) an emergency erection

  hacerlo a la paraguaya (Chilean Spanish) to have sex standing up (literally, the Paraguayan way)

  voir la feuille à l’envers (French) to have sex under a tree (literally, to see the leaf from underneath)

  rabu hoteru (Japanese) hotels especially for making love