Barrie, J M - A Kiss For Cinderella Read online

  POLICEMAN (firmly). Infallayble.

  BODIE. I should like to know what it is.

  POLICEMAN. There is nothing against my telling you. (He settles down to a masterly cross- examination.) Where, sir, does a common female keep her valuables when she carries them about on her person ?

  BODIE. In her pocket, I suppose.

  POLICEMAN. And you suppose correctly. But where does a lady keep them ?

  BODIE. In the same place, I suppose.

  B

  IS A KISS FOR CINDERELLA

  POLICEMAN. There you suppose wrongly. No, sir, here. (He taps his own chest, and indicates discreetly how a lady may pop something down out of sight.)

  BODIE (impressed). I believe you are right, officer.

  POLICEMAN. I am right it 's infallayble. A lady, what with drink and suchlike misfortunes, may forget all her other refinements, but she never forgets that. At the Yard it 's considered as sure as finger-marks.

  BODIE. Strange ! I wonder who was the first woman to do it. It couldn't have been Eve this time, officer.

  POLICEMAN (after reflecting). I see your point. And now I want just to have a look at the party unbeknownst to her. Where could I conceal myself ?

  BODIE. Hide ?

  POLICEMAN. Conceal myself.

  BODIE. That small door opens on to my pantry, where she washes up.

  POLICEMAN (peeping in). It will do. Now bring her up.

  A KISS FOR CINDERELLA 19

  BODIE. It doesn't seem fair I really can't POLICEMAN. War-time, sir.

  (MR. BODIE decides that it is patriotic to ring. The POLICEMAN emerges from the pantry with a slavey's hat and jacket.) These belong to the party, sir ?

  BODIE. I forgot. She keeps them in there. (He surveys the articles with some emotion.) Gaudy feathers. And yet that hat may have done some gallant things. The brave apparel of the very poor ! Who knows, officer, that you and I are not at this moment on rather holy ground.

  POLICEMAN (stonily). I see nothing wrong with the feathers. I must s ay, sir, I like the feathers.

  (He slips into tfte pantry with the hat and jacket, but forgets his helmet, over which the artist hastily jams a flower bowl. There were visiting-cards in the bowl and they are scattered on the floor. MR. BODIE sees them not : it is his first attempt at the con spirator, and he sits guiltily with a cigarette just in time to deceive CINDERELLA, who

  20 A KISS FOR CINDERELLA

  charges into the room as from a catapult. This is her usual mode of entrance, and is owing to her desire to give satisfaction.

  Our POLICEMAN, as he has told us under the arches, was watching her through the keyhole, but his first impressions have been so coloured by subsequent events that it is questionable whether they would be accepted in any court of law. Is prepared to depose that, to tJie best of his recollection, they were unfavourable. Does not imply by un favourable any aspersion on her personal appearance. Would accept the phrase ' far from striking ' as summing up her first appearance. Would no longer accept the phrase. Had put her down as being a grown woman, but not sufficiently grown. Thought her hair looked to be run up her finger. Did not like this way of doing the hair. Could not honestly say that she seemed even then to be an ordinary slavey of the areas. She was dressed as one, but was suspiciously clean. On the other hand, she had the genuine hungry look. Among

  A KISS FOR CINDERELLA 21

  more disquieting features noticed a sort of refinement in her voice and manner, which was characteristic of the criminal classes. Knew now that this was caused by the reading of fairy tales and the thinking of noble thoughts. Noted speedily that she was a domineering character who talked sixteen to the dozen, and at such times re minded him of funny old ladies. Was much struck by her eyes, which seemed to suggest that she was all burning inside. This impression was strengthened later when he touched her hands. Felt at once the curious * homeliness ' of her, as com mented on by MR. BODIE, but could swear on oath that this had not at once made him think of Badgery. Could recall not the slightest symptoms of love at first sight. On the contrary, listened carefully to the conversation between her and MR. BODIE and formed a stern conclusion about her. Believed that this was all he could say about his first impression.) CINDERELLA (breathlessly). Did you rang, sir ?

  22 A KISS FOR CINDERELLA

  BODIE (ashamed). Did I ? I did but I I don't know why. If you 're a good servant, you ought to know why.

  (The cigarette, disgusted with him, falls from his mouth ; and his little servant flings up her hands to heaven.) CINDERELLA (taking possession of him). There you go again ! Fifty years have you been at it, and you can't hold a seegarette in your mouth yet ! (She sternly produces the turpentine.)

  BODIE (in sudden alarm). I won't be brushed. I will not be scraped.

  CINDERELLA (twisting him round). Just look at that tobaccy ash ! And I cleaned you up so pretty before luncheon.

  BODIE. I will not be cleaned again. CINDERELLA (in her element). Keep still.

  (She brushes, scrapes, and turpentines him. In the glory of this she tosses her head at the Venus.)

  I gave Mrs. Bodie a good wipe down this morning with soap and water.

  BODIE (indignant). That is a little too much. You know quite well I allow no one to touch her.

  A KISS FOR CINDERELLA 23

  (CINDERELLA leaves him and gazes in irritation at the statue.)

  CINDERELLA. What is it about the woman ?

  BODIE (in his heat forgetting the POLICEMAN). She is the glory of glories.

  CINDERELLA (who would be willowy if she were long enough). She 's thick.

  BODIE. Her measurements are perfection. All women long to be like her, but none ever can be.

  CINDERELLA (insisting). I suppose that 's the reason she has that snigger on her face.

  BODIE. That is perhaps the smile of mother hood. Some people think there was once a baby in her arms.

  CINDERELLA (with a new interest in Venus). Her own ?

  BODIE. I suppose so.

  CINDERELLA. A married woman then ?

  BODIE (nonplussed). Don't ask trivial ques tions.

  CINDERELLA (generously). It was clever of you to make her.

  BODIE. I didn't make her. I was fore-

  24 A KISS FOR CINDERELLA

  stalled. Some other artist chappie did it. (He likes his little maid again.) She was dug up, Cinderella, after lying hidden in the ground for more than a thousand years.

  CINDERELLA. And the baby gone ?

  BODIE (snapping). Yes.

  CINDERELLA. If I had lost my baby I wouldn't have been found with that pleased look on my face, not in a thousand years.

  BODIE. Her arms were broken, you see, so she had to drop the baby

  CINDERELLA. She could have up with her knee and catched it

  BODIE (excitedly). By heavens, that may just be what she is doing. (He contemplates a letter to the ' Times:)

  CINDERELLA (little aware that she may have solved the question of the ages.) Beauty 's a grand thing.

  BODIE. It is.

  CINDERELLA. I warrant she led them a pretty dance in her day.

  BODIE. Men ?

  CINDERELLA. Umpha ! (Wistfully.) It must

  A KISS FOR CINDERELLA 25

  be fine to have men so mad about you that they go off their feed and roar. (She turns with a sigh to the dusting of the penguin.) What did you say this is ?

  BOD IE (ignorant of what he is letting himself in for). A bishop.

  CINDERELLA (nearly choking). The sort that marries swell couples ?

  BODIE. Yes.

  CINDERELLA (huskily, as if it made all the differ ence to her). I never thought of that.

  BODIE (kindly). Why should you, you queer little waif. Do you know why I call you Cinderella ?

  CINDERELLA. Fine, I know.

  BODIE. Why is it ?

  CINDERELLA (with shy happiness). It 's be cause I have such pretty feet.

  BODIE. You dear little innocent. (He thinks shame of his suspicions. He is plann
ing how to get rid of the man in the pantry when she brings him back to hard facts with a bump.)

  CINDERELLA (in a whisper). Mr. Bodie, if you wanted to get into Buckingham Palace on the

  26 A KISS FOR CINDERELLA

  dodge, how would you slip by the policeman ? (She wrings her hands.) The police is everywhere in war-time.

  BODIE (conscious how near one of them is). They are be careful, Cinderella.

  CINDERELLA. I am oh, I am ! If you knew the precautions I 'm taking

  BODIE (miserable). Sh !

  CINDERELLA (now in a quiver). Mr. Bodie, you haven't by any chance got an invite for to-night, have you ?

  BODIE. What for ?

  CINDERELLA (as still as the Venus). For for a ball.

  BODIE. There are no balls in war-time.

  CINDERELLA (dogged). Just the one. Mr. Bodie, did you ever see the King ?

  BODIE. The King ? Several times.

  CINDERELLA (as white as the Venus). Was the Prince of Wales with him ?

  BODIE. Once.

  CINDERELLA. What 's he like ?

  BODIE. Splendid ! Quite young, you know. He 's not married.

  A KISS FOR CINDERELLA 27

  CINDERELLA (with awful intensity). No, not yet.

  BODIE. I suppose he is very difficult to satisfy.

  CINDERELLA (knitting her lips). He has never seen the feet that pleased him.

  BODIF. Cinderella, your pulse is galloping. You frighten me. What possesses you ?

  CINDERELLA (after hesitating). There is some thing I want to tell you. Maybe I '11 not be coming back after to-night. She has paid me up to to-night.

  BODIE. Is she sending you away ?

  CINDERELLA. No. I 've sort of given notice.

  BODIE (disappointed). You 've got another place ?

  (She shuts her mouth like a box.) Has it anything to do with the Godmother business ?

  (Her mouth remains closed. He barks at her.)

  Don't then. (He reconsiders her.) I like you, you know.

  CINDERELLA (gleaming). It 's fine to be liked.

  BODIE. Have you a lonely life ?

  28 A KISS FOR CINDERELLA

  CINDERELLA. It 's kind of lonely.

  BODIE. You won't tell me about your home ?

  (She shakes her head.)

  Is there any nice person to look after you in the sort of way in which you look after me ?

  CINDERELLA. I 'm all alone. There 's just me and my feet.

  BODIE. If you go I '11 miss you. We 've had some good times here, Cinderella, haven't we?

  CINDERELLA (rapturously). We have ! You mind that chop you gave me ? Hey, hey, hey ! (Considering it judicially.) That was the most charming chop I ever saw. And many is the lick of soup you Ve given me when you thought I looked down-like. Do you mind the chicken that was too high for you ? You give me the whole chicken. That was a day.

  BODIE. I never meant you to eat it.

  CINDERELLA. I didn't eat it all myself. I shared it with them.

  BODIE (inquisitively). With them ? With whom ?

  (Her mouth shuts promptly, and he sulks.

  A KISS FOR CINDERELLA 29

  She picks up the visiting-cards that litter the floor.)

  CINDERELLA. What a spill ! If you 're not messing you 're spilling. Where 's the bowl ? (She lifts the bowl and discovers the helmet. She is appalled.)

  BODIE (in an agony of remorse pointing to the door). Cinderella, quick !

  (But our POLICEMAN has emerged and barred the way).

  POLICEMAN (indicating that it is MR. BODIE who must go). If you please, sir.

  BODIE. I won't ! Don't you dare to frighten her.

  POLICEMAN (settling the matter with the palm of his hand). That will do. If I need you I '11 call you.

  BODIE (flinching). Cinderella, it 's it 's just a form. I won't be far away. (He departs reluctantly.) POLICEMAN (sternly). Stand up. CINDERELLA (a quaking figure, who has never sat down). I 'm standing up. POLICEMAN. Now, no sauce.

  30 A KISS FOR CINDERELLA

  (He produces his note-book. He is about to make a powerful beginning when he finds her eyes regarding the middle of his person.) Now then, what are you staring at ?

  CINDERELLA (hotly). That 's a poor way to polish a belt. If I was a officer I would think shame of having my belt in that condition.

  POLICEMAN (undoubtedly affected by her home liness though unconscious of it). It 's easy to speak ; it 's a miserable polish I admit, but mind you, I 'm pretty done when my job 's over ; and I have the polishing to do myself.

  CINDERELLA. You have no woman person ?

  POLICEMAN. Not me.

  CINDERELLA (with passionate arms). If I had that belt for half an hour !

  POLICEMAN. What would you use ?

  CINDERELLA. Spit.

  POLICEMAN. Spit ? That 's like what my mother would have said. That was in Bad- gery, where I was born. When I was a boy at Badgery

  (He stops short. She has reminded him of

  Badgery !)

  A KISS FOR CINDERELLA 31

  CINDERELLA. What *S wrong ?

  POLICEMAN (heavily). How did you manage that about Badgery ?

  CINDERELLA. What ?

  POLICEMAN. Take care, prisoner.

  (The word makes her shudder. He sits, prepared to take notes.) Name ?

  CINDERELLA. Cinderella.

  POLICEMAN. Take care, Thing. Occupation, if any ?

  CINDERELLA (with some pride). Tcmpary help.

  POLICEMAN. Last place ?

  CINDERELLA. 3 Robert Street.

  POLICEMAN. Scotch ?

  (Her mouth shuts.)

  Ah, they '11 never admit that. Reason for leaving ?

  CINDERELLA. I had to go when the war broke out.

  POLICEMAN. Why dismissed ?

  CINDERELLA (forlorn). They said I was a luxury.

  POLICEMAN (getting ready to pounce). Now be

  32 A KISS FOR CINDERELLA

  cautious. How do you spend your evenings after you leave this building ?

  (Her mouth shuts.) Have you another and secret occupation ?

  (She blanches.)

  Has it to do with boxes ? What do you keep in those boxes ? Where is it that these goings- on is going on ? If you won't tell me, I 'm willing to tell you. It 's at A. C. Celest's . . . In Bond Street, W.

  (He has levelled his finger at her, but it is a pistol that does not go off. To his chagrin she looks relieved. He tries hammer blows.)

  Are you living in guilty splendour ? How do you come to know German words ? How many German words do you think / know ? Just one, espionage. What 's the German for ' six months hard ' ?

  (She is now crumpled, and here he would do well to pause and stride up and down the room. But he cannot leave well alone.) What 's this nonsense about your feet ?

  A KISS FOR CINDERELLA 83

  CINDERELLA (plucking up courage). It 's not nonsense.

  POLICEMAN. I see nothing particular about your feet.

  CINDERELLA. Then I 'm sorry for you.

  POLICEMAN. What is it ?

  CINDERELLA (softly as if it were a line from the Bible). Their exquisite smallness and perfect shape.

  POLICEMAN (with a friendly glance at the Venus). For my part I 'm partial to big women with their noses in the air.

  CINDERELLA (stung). So is everybody. (Pathe tically.) I 've tried. But it 's none so easy, with never no butcher's meat in the house. You '11 see where the su-perb shoulders and the haughty manners come from if you look in shop windows and see the whole of a cow turned inside out and ' Delicious ' printed on it.

  POLICEMAN (always just). There 's something in that.

  CINDERELLA (swelling). But it doesn't matter how fine the rest of you is if you doesn't have

  small feet.

  c

  34 A KISS FOR CINDERELLA

  POLICEMAN. I never give feet a thought.

  CINDERELLA. The swells think of nothing else. (Exploding.) Wait till you are at the Ball. Many a haughty beauty wit
h superb uppers will come sailing in as sure of the prize as if ' Delicious ' was pinned on her and then forward steps the Lord Mayor, and, utterly dis regarding her uppers, he points to the bottom of her skirt, and he says ' Lift ! ' and she has to lift, and there 's a dead silence, and nothing to be heard except the Prince crying ' Throw her out!'

  POLICEMAN (somewhat staggered by her know ledge of the high life). What 's all this about a ball?

  (CINDERELLA sees she has said too much and her mouth shuts.) Was you ever at a ball ?

  CINDERELLA (with dignity). At any rate I've been at the Horse Show.

  POLICEMAN. A ball 's not like a Horse Show.

  CINDERELLA. You '11 SCC.

  POLICEMAN (reverting to business). It all comes to this, are you genteel, or common clay ?

  A KISS FOR CINDERELLA 35

  CINDERELLA (pertly). I leaves that to you.

  POLICEMAN. You couldn't leave it in safer hands. I want a witness to this.

  CINDERELLA (startled). A witness ! What are you to do ?

  (With terrible self-confidence he has already opened the door and beckoned. MR. BODIE comes in anxiously.)

  POLICEMAN. Take note, sir. (With the affable manner of a conjurer.) We are now about to try a little experiment, the object being to discover whether this party is genteel or common clay.

  CINDERELLA. Oh, Mr. Bodie, what is it ?

  BODIE (remembering what he has been told of the Scotland Yard test). I don't like ... I won't have it.

  POLICEMAN. It gives her the chance of proving once and for all whether she 's of gentle blood.

  CINDERELLA (eagerly). Does it ?

  BODIE. I must forbid . . .

  CINDERELLA (with dreadful resolution). I 'm ready. I wants to know myself.

  POLICEMAN. Ve ry well. Now then, I heard

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  you say that the old party downstairs had paid you your wages to-day.