Zombie Kong - Anthology Read online

  “Smarter than most men, he was, and now he is gone! But today, ladies and gentlemen, today you may purchase your tickets for the first ever––” Simmons was going to say ‘funeral for a gorilla’, but one of the faded cloth banners hanging to his left caught his eye and inspiration struck like lightning. He felt the tingle of excitement from head to foot.

  “The first ever resurrection of a dead gorilla!” Simmons raised his arms with a flourish. A few groans and jeers came from the crowd.

  “I ain’t payin’ to see you wake up a sleeping monkey,” one brawny man proclaimed loudly.

  Simmons felt Hobart’s incredulous stare but ignored him. “I assure you, the gorilla is dead, my friends. Everyone who attends will have the opportunity to poke and prod the corpse until you are truly satisfied of the validity of my claim.

  “We shall call upon Lazarus Houngan on this day! Lazarus is the grandson of plantation workers from Haiti. He is a master of the dark arts of Haitian Vodou, created by African slaves. Lazarus serves the spirits known as the loa. He is a boker. My friends, I do not expect you to know what a boker is, so let me explain further.

  “A houngan is a vodou priest who serves the loa with both hands. That is to say, he performs sacred rites of healing and protection.

  “But Lazarus Houngan is NOT a houngan at all. Lazarus is a boker. He is a master of the darker arts. Lazarus is with us because he was cast out by his friends and family for performing forbidden rituals. Lazarus can use his knowledge of the taboo and his unholy power to restore life to Plato the Gorilla! You will witness this stunning miracle with your own eyes! One show only, ladies and gentlemen. One show only!”

  For every one person who moved away down the street, nine others surged forward with money in hand.

  * * *

  “I won’ do it.” Lazarus said. He crossed his arms in a defiant gesture.

  “The devil you won’t!” Simmons growled back at the swarthy black man.

  “I practice some little bits of hoodoo, dat’s all. What you ask is too dangerous.”

  “I’ve seen you do some crazy stuff in your act. I don’t know how you do it, and I don’t care. As long as you keep the customers interested and coming back, that’s all that matters. Now, I promised the folks buying tickets tonight that you’d bring the gorilla back to life, and by gawd, you’re gonna do it.”

  “Mista Simmons, you ask me to dance wit’ de devil this time. I can’t do it.”

  Simmons grabbed Lazarus by the collar and yanked him so their noses almost touched. Then he unleashed a torrent of verbal abuse that would have made the cruelest plantation owner blush with shame.

  With a peculiar gleam in his eyes, Lazarus agreed to raise the gorilla from the dead.

  * * *

  Lazarus Houngan’s real name was long forgotten, even by him. But most everything else Simmons told the crowd that day was true. Lazarus was indeed a boker of great power, though he admitted the fact to precious few. Things were just easier that way.

  But the ugly barrage of words from his boss reawakened old grudges within him. Some injustices run generations-deep.

  I serve the loa with both hands, he thought. But today, one hand is tied behind my back by a white man. Today, I dare to call upon Bondye, the Supreme God. Today, I ask for vengeance.

  Lazarus fell to his knees and selected a stone from the dirt. He rose and hurried to his tent. He gathered a few small bottles of liquids and powders; poison extracted from a puffer fish, datura, human ash, and other ingredients better left unnamed. Lazarus chanted and prayed as he smeared the mixture into the cracks and crevices of the stone.

  Satisfied with the pwen––his object of power for the ritual––Lazarus set about fashioning an ouanga bag. The bag would hold the pwen and serve as a talisman that he hoped would house the spirits Plato captured.

  The misguided man, driven by fear and anger, sought to bring Plato the Gorilla back to life as a sort of avenging spirit. He asked Bondye to give the gorilla the wisdom and strength necessary to kill and capture the souls of any man or woman who felt superior to another race, color or creed. But Lazarus was indeed dancing with the devil, as he had asserted to Simmons earlier.

  By the time Lazarus stood in front of the hundreds of people who had gathered to watch him bring the dead primate back to life, it was too late to turn back. Chanting a hybrid of dark spells, he made an incision in the gorilla’s chest, close to the heart. Then Lazarus took the ouanga bag with the pwen inside and shoved it deep into Plato’s chest cavity.

  The result was instantaneous.

  Plato the Gorilla, infused with a power from beyond, leapt to his feet and pounded his chest with both of his massive fists. He tipped his dome-shaped head to the heavens and emitted a roar that deafened the stunned crowd.

  Plato wasted no time in carrying out the undertaking he had been assigned. He examined the souls of the men and women around him and found only hatred, fear, and intolerance. The gorilla grabbed the closest offender’s arm and yanked him forward. Then he crushed the man’s skull to jelly between his hands.

  Lazarus Houngan’s lifeless body slumped to the ground, but his soul howled in surprise and rage, and it was absorbed into the ouanga buried near Plato’s heart. Plato grew in size and power.

  He lunged into the crowd, judging hearts, crushing skulls and collecting souls.

  Simmons somehow lasted for two entire minutes before his time for judgment came. His eardrums were shattered by the roaring of the beast and blood spattered into his eyes, lending a reddish hue to the unfolding atrocities. To Simmons, everything looked sepia-tone. His final thoughts were of a silent, grainy horror film he’d seen as a child.

  II.

  “Floating in (Cyber) Space”

  CARNIVAL GORILLA ATTACKS CROWD

  Nonesuch, La. -Affiliated News Agency

  Sources in the town of Nonesuch, Louisiana say that a gorilla believed to be a featured act in a traveling carnival has broken free of its keepers and attacked a crowd of carnival patrons. Authorities are unable to give the Affiliated News Agency a definite number of casualties. Various sources have reported between 3 and 35 deaths attributed to the rogue gorilla’s violent spree.

  Dr. Abraham Munn, an expert on primate behavior from Miskatonic Community College, explains that an angry gorilla can tear a man’s arm from his body without even trying, but goes on to say that a traumatic incident would be required in order to push the animal to rampage in such a primal manner.

  Reports of the gorilla causing havoc on the highway north of Nonesuch are so far unconfirmed.

  COMMENTS:

  GenerallySpeaking––

  This doesn’t involve me directly so I don’t give a sh*t.

  Smitty––

  I hated carnivals as a kid. Clowns are creepy and the games are rigged. Go gorilla!

  Permanentguest––

  This is why animals should not be trained for mankind’s entertainment. Free the animals!

  Mort69––

  Animal control will catch that monkey and spank it for being naughty.

  Gunner––

  Spank the monkey! LOL I thought it was Shock the Monkey…

  Vinny26––

  This could only happen down South. A bunch of inbred freaks… and I’m talking about the crowd, not the carnies (but probably them, too).

  GodiswhiteGodisright––

  This is God working in mysterious ways to punish the wicked and unjust. It’s in Revelation somewhere. ‘A beast will be unleashed.’ Look it up.

  Rationalatheist2011––

  Don’t even bring ‘god’ into this. It’s an escaped gorilla who is seriously PO’d. End of story.

  Smirky1––

  R we sure it isn’t just a pro b-ball player out on a tear?

  SolutionGuy––

  Everyone just ignore it and it will go away.

  * * *

  GORILLA’S BLOODY SPREE CONTINUES

  Summit Hill, Ky -Affiliated News Agency />
  Authorities throughout Louisiana, Mississippi, Tennessee and Kentucky have reported violent attacks on citizens carried out by a large gorilla. Eyewitnesses in Mississippi have told the Affiliate News Agency that the gorilla stood ten feet tall. Citizens in Tennessee reported the creature’s height at closer to fifteen feet, while witnesses in Kentucky claim the rampaging ape is nearly twenty feet tall. Experts are discounting these reports as exaggerations brought on by mass hysteria. Experts are at a loss, however, to explain how the ape could have traveled so far so fast.

  Raymond Gibbs of Portersville, TN said, “The monster seemed like it was actually picking out the people it killed. He’d crush the hood of a car to make it stop, then he’d pull people out of the car and crush their heads like grapes. I saw him crush this one guy’s skull, stop and look into the car for a second, and go running after another passing vehicle. I ran over and there was a toddler sitting in the back screaming over what the thing had done to his daddy.”

  Deputy Trevor Howie of the Mississippi Highway Patrol had a different assessment: “Even from a distance, I could tell this gorilla had completely lost its wits. It’s rampaging. And it has a one-track mind. Like a zombie going after brains.”

  The Governor of Kentucky has advised citizens to remain in their homes. In an unusual statement, the Governor of West Virginia asked citizens to evacuate the entire state. The statement also asked that citizens choose destinations away from Washington, D.C.

  COMMENTS:

  Theo1972––

  LOL its Zombie Kawng! It he throwing barrels?

  Outlaw––

  As long as the gorilla gets to killin knee grows I dont give a holy muslum she-ite

  Sadie89––

  Now that’s just uncalled for. I hope the moderator takes your post down. Prayers for the families who have lost loved ones today.

  GOP4LIFE––

  Why hasn’t this thing been shot yet? Where is law enforcement, where is the military? This shouldn’t even be news. Just kill it already.

  OnionFan––

  This has to be a prank story. Of course, I thought that when that doofus was elected to a second term.

  Proud2BRedneck––

  Agree with Outlaw. Beware the Ku Klux Kong.

  SecondAmendRights-

  I also cannot believe we haven’t shot the thing yet. Sucks that people died. Sucks more that we still have people whining every day about ‘gun control’.

  Meredith––

  My friend Holly is such a lucky woman! She’s earning six figures a year working from home. You can, too! For information, visit www.nitwitclicks.com and we’ll send you free information!

  GunsNHoses––

  Guns don’t kill people, people kill people. Now someone with a gun please kill this damn dirty ape… and the spammers.

  Gus M.––

  Second that.

  MikeD2011––

  I’m betting that gorilla is making a beeline for DC. Gonna clean up washington or die tryin!

  * * *

  PRESIDENT DECLARES STATE OF EMERGENCY

  Rampaging Ape’s Growth Confirmed by Military

  Washington, D.C. -Affiliated News Agency

  The President has declared a state of emergency for the states east of the Mississippi River this afternoon. The U.S. military has confirmed that the marauding gorilla has actually grown in size at an alarming rate. Official reports from the Pentagon confirm that the ‘Zombie Ape’ is now the size of an eighteen-wheeler standing on end.

  “This defies all reason,” a White House spokesperson said. “We are working around the clock. Our priority is, first and foremost, to save the lives of our citizens. Secondly, we are calling in jet fighters from several air bases. Our intent is to destroy or incapacitate the animal. Finally, we are searching for the origin behind the ape’s existence and, more to the point, how it can grow in size.”

  Citizens are urged to remain calm and to stay indoors at all costs.

  “The Zombie Ape, as the media has taken to calling it, is still moving north at a high rate of speed,” explained the spokesperson. “We can only speculate as to where it will head next.”

  Early estimates have the death toll at well over one thousand people.

  The first report of the Zombie Ape came just two hours ago.

  COMMENTS:

  California Son––

  What the eff are you losers doing on the east coast? Somebody’s pi$$ed.

  DonKeyKong––

  This is happening because of the midterm elections. The giant zombie ape is on our side and is targeting conservatives, I guarantee it.

  GilbertG––

  like hell this is a government project gone awry dont even pretend it has anything to do with political agendas it has to do with race the government created a black killing machine and will use it to turn public opinion against the black man in order to excuse enslaving him again

  Mace––

  yawn

  Tyrell––

  I hope Zombie Ape is crushing plenty of crackers.

  Proud2BRedneck2––

  screw you and your kind TY-RELL

  Kristianna––

  Want to increase the size of your penis? Find out how by following the link. Absolutely no harmful drugs. Natural herbs. FDA approval pending. You know what is important in your life… take advantage of this offer now!

  TubaMan––

  can you imagine the size of zombie kongs junk LMAO

  III.

  “Heads in the (Quick)Sand”

  UNITED NATIONS DECLARES

  STATE OF EMERGENCY

  Military Efforts Have No Apparent Effect

  New York City - Affiliated News Agency

  The United Nations has declared a worldwide state of emergency.

  Entire cities along the Eastern Seaboard reportedly decimated. Catastrophic losses as death toll mounts. Government estimates put the number of dead at over one million. Independent figures estimate higher.

  Size of the Zombie Ape is estimated at 300 feet tall. Weight unknown. The growth of the creature increases with the number of deaths it causes. As a result, the larger the ape grows, the more quickly it can take lives. The growth and potential for further destruction multiplies with each passing minute.

  The first reports originated only five hours ago. Some scattered early survivors who called in to nationally syndicated radio shows imply that the attacks are somehow racially motivated, but citizens of every race, color and creed have perished.

  Military attacks using Air Force jet fighters, Army tanks and an arsenal of ground to air weapons have been deployed and have yielded no discernible results.

  Update:

  Scientists warn that if the ape continues to grow at its current rate, the sheer weight of the creature will tilt Earth’s axis, causing catastrophic earthquakes and tidal waves. At the current rate, the integrity of the earth’s orbit could be affected in as little as 19 hours. Size of the ape has nearly doubled since last report. Satellite images show the ape without needing magnification.

  Update:

  UNITED NATIONS ORDERS TACTICAL NUCLEAR STRIKE

  A series of nuclear missiles will be armed and ready to fire within the hour. The missiles will come from multiple locations in several NATO and non-NATO affiliated countries. The size and speed of the rampaging ‘Zombie Ape’ poses targeting problems.

  “One nuclear warhead could potentially miss the intended target. In a span of ten minutes, the creature traveled from New York State in the United States to the northernmost tip of Quebec in Canada. Should the creature continue to increase in mass as it nears the North Pole, the effect will be cataclysmic. A series of nuclear strikes may eliminate most of the population of North America, but there will still be hope for the rest of the world.”

  COMMENTS:

  Snarky––

  Effing towel heads have been waiting for an excuse to bomb us. screw them

  WakeUpCall––

&nbs
p; The ape is not the zombie here, people. WE ARE THE ZOMBIES. Wake up before it’s too late.

  USAUSA––

  Terrorist sand monkeys are behind this. Fire off the warheads on their asses NOW

  hockeyfan––

  thanks alot USA because of your arrogance and stupidity we have to pay the price. See you all in HELL

  Uncle Sam––

  screw you stupid canadians and your hockey pucks and stocking caps and canadian bacon you guys are morons ey the mckenzee brothers are gay fags and you all are too

  Kristi––