Zombie Kong - Anthology Read online

  “Can I help you?” the salesman said.

  I squinted at the man through my sunglasses. His rumpled suit hung on his frame as if he’d lost some weight but hadn’t replaced his wardrobe. From the greasy red stain on his tie, I guessed he’d had fast food for lunch. His black hair was gelled back, except for a wayward piece jutting straight out from the side of his head.

  “I’m looking for a used car. Nothing fancy,” I said. “I’d prefer one with good gas mileage.”

  “Well, you’ve come to the right place,” he said, thrusting his hand toward me. “My name’s Warren. I’m sure we can find the perfect car for you.”

  His hand was sticky when I shook it. When he turned to look across the sea of vehicles, I wiped my hand on my skirt. I glanced back at the monkey as I followed Warren to a line of cars close to the highway. Its colossal arm flopped in the breeze.

  “Here’s a little beauty, just like yourself, if you don’t mind my saying,” he said, stepping up to a metallic red sports car.

  “I don’t want anything fancy,” I repeated.

  “You know, you’d look great in this one. It’s got all leather interior, automatic transmission, cruise control, built-in GPS.” He caressed the front fender in a way that made me want to mace him.

  “This car isn’t even close to what I’m looking for,” I said. “I don’t want an automatic.”

  “Ah, you’re a stick girl,” he said, leering at my blouse.

  “I want a small, fuel-efficient, reliable automobile with manual transmission. I’ve got a strict budget and would prefer something in dark blue or black.”

  Warren’s eyebrows drew together in a scowl, and his lips pinched into a straight line. He slid his eyes sideways to look at me and nodded his head.

  “I’ll tell you what I’ll do,” he began. “I’ll go get the keys for this hot little number, and we can take her for a test drive.”

  “Sir, I do not want this car,” I said, trying to stay calm. “I have no interest in this car. None whatsoever. If you won’t show me something closer to what I’ve requested, I’ll ask another salesman, or get that big monkey to sell me something.”

  I motioned to the monstrous hulk perched on top of the showroom. Warren’s gaze followed my gesture. His mouth fell open as he lifted a hand and pointed behind me. Glancing over my shoulder, I saw what I had mistaken for a giant monkey sales balloon open its mouth and groan. Its arms strained against the ropes of flags. When I turned back to Warren, the man was gone. I thought I caught a glimpse of his ill-fitting suit slithering into a boxy motor home as I ran for the showroom.

  I pressed on the door and banged on the glass until I realized I had to pull the door to gain entrance. Stepping into the freezing cold, air-conditioned showroom, I was enveloped in a new car smell so strong that it made my eyes water. The men were still playing cards.

  “Hey,” I yelled and pointed out the door. “Your monkey’s mad.”

  My comment was met with four bewildered gazes and one wide-eyed stare.

  “That’s impossible,” the staring man said. “He’s sedated. They come back every night and sedate him again.”

  The bewildered gazes turned to gape at the speaker.

  “What monkey?” one of the other men asked.

  “The one on top of the building,” I said. “He’s about to go ape shit.”

  The staring man jumped to his feet and sent his folding chair clattering to the floor. I grabbed his arm as he tried to run past me.

  “I don’t know what’s going on here, but you’re about to have a pissed off primate stomping all over your inventory,” I said.

  He shrugged off my hand and ran behind the counter. He picked up a small metal box topped with a red button and set it on the counter. Looking up at me, he smiled before pointing one dirty-nailed finger toward the ceiling and lowering it to press the button.

  “There, that should do it,” he said, as a loud crash rocked the building.

  All five men dropped to the ground. I rushed out the door to see what had happened. The gorilla was still standing. His glazed eyes rolled in their sockets, and he stomped on the roof of the building as he beat his chest with his bound arms. Ribbons of flesh hung from his wrists. One of the flags was tearing, so I knew it wouldn’t be long before he got loose. When the big monkey moaned, I smelled the aroma of his rotting innards. It hadn’t been a dead deer after all.

  “What’s going on out there?” the staring man asked, popping up from under the counter when I returned to the showroom.

  “Before I say another word, you’d better tell me what’s going on and why that ape smells dead,” I said, placing my hands on my hips and tapping my foot.

  The man, still on his knees, swept his eyes around the room and motioned me toward the counter. I took two steps and crossed my arms over my chest.

  “Spill it,” I said, in my ‘mom’s caught you lying’ voice.

  “Well, ma’am, I purchased a giant ape online. It was cheaper than renting one of those inflatables.”

  The building shuddered, and a ceiling tile crashed to the floor. The man threw his arms over his head to protect his bald spot.

  “Continue,” I said, lifting an eyebrow.

  “Well, after I’d placed the order, I got a phone call. The guy said that it would be even cheaper to use one of their undead apes since I only wanted it for a few days. He said that they’d keep him sedated, and no one would know the difference. Once I was done with the monkey, they’d take care of disposal.”

  “What was the button supposed to do?” I asked.

  “It was supposed to fry his brain,” the man whimpered as the building rocked again. “But I guess it didn’t work.”

  I shook my head and stared at the man. Didn’t he know how dangerous it was to play with dead things? Hadn’t he seen the warnings that were on commercials and plastered all over billboards? Only trained specialists could be trusted with the dead. And lucky for him, I was one of those specialists.

  “Stay here,” I said, before stepping out the door. I looked back through the window and didn’t see a single person. They must have gone to ground under the counter.

  I turned towards the giant stinking gorilla and waved.

  “Hey, fella. Are you okay up there?”

  The mammal stopped straining against the ropes.

  “Yeah, that’s it. You can calm down. I’m going to get you loose and take you home.” At least that was my plan.

  I continued soothing the savage beast with peaceful words as I backed toward my aging blue compact. When my hand touched the hatchback, I fished my keys from my skirt pocket. After unlocking the trunk, I lifted the lid and retrieved my tattered leather handler’s bag. Before I could pull my hand free of the trunk, the lifters gave out. The hatchback crashed down on my forearm. I grimaced, lifted the hatch, removed my arm and the bag, and let the lifters slam the hatchback. The concussion I’d gotten last month due to the broken lifters was one of the reasons I had come to get a new-to-me vehicle.

  The humongous primate had resumed his struggle against the restraints. I watched in horror as a flag ripped and the gorilla staggered from the roof. His tumble crushed a tan minivan like a recycled soda can. The ground shook as his skull cracked on the asphalt. He stood up from his misstep, threw back his massive head, and groaned. The odor almost made me lose my lunch. As he began to beat on his chest, I saw some of the torn sinew rip from his wrist. His clenched fist loosened as the muscle snapped.

  “Over here,” I said, as I waved my arms over my head.

  The great gorilla ignored my flailing and stagger-loped to the motor home into which Warren had disappeared. The monkey pressed his enormous opposable thumb to the windshield and popped it free, like the lens on a broken pair of glasses. Then he picked up the vehicle and tried to shake Warren out like a cereal prize. I could hear Warren’s wobbling screams as he was thrown around his hiding place.

  “Warren,” I yelled. “Are you okay?”

  “Are yo
u kidding?” he screamed back. “I’ve never been less okay in my life.”

  The giant gorilla took this opportunity to bash the end of the RV with his flopping hand, as if he were trying to pour unwilling ketchup from a bottle. I admired Warren’s ability to stay inside the motor home as it jerked around until I saw his face fly past the little bathroom window. He had locked himself inside the small cubicle. As long as the door held and he protected his head, I figured he’d be all right.

  Opening my bag, I reached in and pulled out a small rubber object. It was shaped like a banana. I squeezed it, and it squeaked.

  “Lancelot, I’ve got a present for you if you put down that nasty old thing,” I said, as I squeaked the banana again.

  The crazed gorilla turned his head in my direction, and I squeezed the banana a third time. He stopped shaking the RV and looked like he was on his way to releasing it, until Warren shrieked. There was no way my little banana squeaks could compare to a shrieking man, especially to the ears of a giant gorilla. I dropped the banana to the ground and rummaged through my tools as the beast crammed the fingers of his functioning hand through the opening left by his thumb.

  “Okay, George,” I said, setting a remote-control helicopter on the ground. “Maybe this’ll distract you.”

  The little helicopter lifted off, and I maneuvered it to hover in front of the gorilla’s face. He swung his floppy hand and sent the toy copter flying over a line of trees. That gorilla had done it. I was mad. The chopper had been my favorite weapon.

  I grabbed my dart pistol from the bag and aimed.

  “Hey, Magilla,” I shouted. “I’d rather you cooperated, but if I have to, I will take you by force.”

  Hearing my voice, the huge gorilla lowered the motor home and turned. When he saw the pistol he let out a guttural grunt, hurled the rear end of his wheeled toy through the showroom’s window, and charged me. I aimed and fired, hitting the crack in the center of the hulking monster’s forehead. It was a perfect shot, and I breathed a sigh of relief when his large thighs quivered and crumpled. The gorilla’s head crushed the cab of a pickup truck as he dropped.

  I had reached down to pick up my bag when I heard a snuffling noise from where the beast had collapsed. Trying not to make any sudden moves, I inched my head up and saw the huge dead gorilla sit up and toss his head back and forth. The sedatives had been my last resort. My bag of tricks was empty and it was too late to call for backup. Then, I had an idea.

  “Warren,” I shouted. “The monkey’s stunned, get out of there!”

  I heard movement from inside the motor home before the side door swung open and fell off, clattering to the pavement. Warren was covered in blood and cradled his left arm. When he saw where I stood he stumbled toward me. The gorilla was still shaking his own head from side to side.

  “Can’t you kill it?” he asked. “It attacked me.”

  “Only as a last resort,” I said, as I led the shaken man to my car and made him sit on the hatchback. “I’ve got one more idea, but I’ll need your cooperation.”

  He flopped his upper body back on the car.

  “What do you want me to do?” he screeched. “Haven’t I done enough?”

  I smiled to myself as I unrolled a length of duct tape and secured Warren’s shoulders to the car’s back window. He didn’t have much strength left to struggle, so it wasn’t difficult to affix the rest of him to the car.

  “What the hell are you doing? Stop!” he screamed. “I’ll sue you! You’re endangering my life!”

  “Keep yelling,” I said, with a smirk. “We’ll need your screams to lure the ape out of town.”

  By this time, the huge gorilla had gotten to his feet and had taken a stumbling step forward. I started the car and beeped the horn. Right on cue, Warren screamed. The gorilla turned toward us and followed the noise in halting, shuffling steps.

  With Warren baited on the back of the car and the primate stumbling after us, I called dispatch with one hand and drove with the other.

  “Hey, Shirley,” I said.

  “Hey, girl. Did you pick up that snazzy new ride?”

  I heard her laughing on the other end of the line.

  “Not yet,” I said. “Look, I’ve got a situation here. Are any of the extra-large holding facilities free? I’ve got a giant undead ape in tow.”

  “Let me check,” she said.

  I heard her fingernails clicking on the keyboard.

  “Yeah, what’s your location?” she asked.

  “Right down the street from the sleazy used car place. The one across from where the mini-golf place used to be.”

  Glancing in the rear-view mirror, I saw the gorilla had gathered himself together and was gaining ground. I sped up; Warren screamed louder.

  “What’s that noise?” Shirley asked.

  “Just the bait,” I said. “Do you have anything?”

  “Hold your horses, this ain’t rocket science,” she laughed.

  “Hey, lady,” Warren shouted. “I think you’d better go faster.”

  “Sorry.” See No Evil was gaining on us. I had to speed up.

  I looked back. The gorilla was reaching for my car, trying to pinch the bumper with the fingers on his good hand. I pressed the accelerator to the floor. The car demonstrated another of my motivations for its replacement by jerking forward three times before surrendering an extra five miles per hour.

  “C’mon,” Warren screamed. “Is that all this piece of crap can do?”

  The gorilla groaned behind us.

  “Here’s one,” Shirley said, surprising me. I almost dropped the phone. “It’s down by the docks. Is there a way you can bypass the center of town? You know the boss wouldn’t appreciate his view disrupted by your friend there.”

  I laughed at the thought of Henry seeing us pass in front of his seventh-story corner office.

  “Okay, I’ll try to go around,” I said. “Once I get to the docks, where do I go?”

  “Just drive straight through the gates. I’ll call ahead and have the guys open them for you.” Shirley laughed again. “You be careful, and when you get that new car, you better let me borrow it.”

  “Will do. Thanks, Shirley.”

  I tossed the phone on the passenger seat and cursed as it fell through the hole in the cushion. I figured there would be enough change in that hole at least to make a down payment on another car.

  I took the lumbering gorilla on a tour of the outskirts of the city. We passed the dump. Hungry gulls surrounded the gorilla. From my training, I knew the undead virus didn’t affect birds, so I wasn’t worried. When the flock circled back to their home turf, seagulls from the dock swarmed. I drove through the open gates and made a mental note to thank Shirley for her diligence. Several men in orange vests and hard hats waved me toward a large hangar.

  “When you drive through the doors, go to your left,” one of the vested men said as he jogged next to my car. “When the ape gets inside, keep circling around the wall as fast as you can until you make it back to the front. We’ll close the doors when you’re out.”

  I nodded, and he dropped back with the others.

  The hangar bay was dark. I held my breath and flipped the switch for the headlights. Nothing happened. Ever since driving through a shallow river to outrun a zombie rhino, my car lights had been less than predictable.

  “Hold on,” I yelled to Warren. “This might get bumpy.”

  I squeezed my eyes shut to try and acclimate myself to the darkness before I drove inside. When I opened them, I had to squint hard to see the outline of the room. A desk chair went flying over the hood. Warren squealed. I tapped the brakes so I wouldn’t cause more damage than I had. I felt another bump and heard a crash. It sounded like a metal table had met its end.

  “The monkey’s in,” Warren screamed.

  I sped up and turned the wheel toward the lit opening. As soon as the car cleared the door, the orange-clad men began sliding the giant doors closed. I saw the gorilla floundering toward the lig
ht as the door shut and the locks engaged. A muffled moan seeped through the barrier.

  “She’ll be okay,” one of the vested men said. “Once the carrier docks, we’ll ship her off so she can decay with others like herself.”

  “She?” I asked.

  “Couldn’t you tell?” he laughed. “Why do you think you had to strap that guy to your car to get her to follow you? That is why he’s there, isn’t it?”

  The man stopped laughing, tilted his head, and looked at me with questioning eyes.

  “Of course that’s why he’s there,” I said. “Do you think I’d drive around with a used car salesman taped to my car for kicks?”

  The man’s face lit up with a smile.

  “I don’t know about you, but it sounds like a fun evening to me.”

  I cracked a grin and turned back to the used car salesman.

  “Well, Warren. What do you say to a spin around the block for old time’s sake?”

  MEGAN R. ENGELHARDT

  The Beast That Would Not Die!

  In the rainy months of 1883, my brother George came to visit me on the Dark Continent. I had been in Africa for nearly a year, recovering from a slight disease of the brain in the warmer climate, and as George was in need of some recovery as well, especially from a bit of scandal he had gotten into, he put himself on a boat and shipped himself into my care. I did not want him there, having quite enjoyed being far away from my wayward and intemperate brother, but as I did not know he was coming until he showed up on my doorstep, I was forced to welcome him with open arms.