You Are My Reason (You Are Mine Book 1) Read online

  “Jesus, Maddie!” Sue snaps. “Jules, this is not your fault and you don’t owe him anything. Don’t go back to a man because of guilt.” Her voice cracks and her eyes hold a warning. “Please. If you want to reach out to him, do it for any other reason than feeling guilty or like you owe him.” There’s a tear at my chest, an open wound knowing Sue is speaking from experience.

  “I wasn’t trying to hurt him, Maddie.” I can’t respond to Sue right now, my throat feels tight. “I didn’t think he’d care, to be honest …” I don’t know if that’s true. I wasn’t thinking of him when I ended it. I was only thinking of me. Of my anger. “It just happened so fast and it was too much.”

  “There’s nothing wrong with fast,” Kat says, surprising the three of us. It’s then that I notice she hasn’t moved past the first page. “Evan and I got engaged in three months.”

  Their story was a whirlwind romance. Everyone’s story is different. Maybe this is regret or guilt pushing me toward Mason, but it’s different from what Sue went through. I swear our story has to be different.

  My heart begs me to stop, but I have to ask them a question that’s kept me up the last three nights I’ve dreamed of Mason. It’s killing me slowly and carefully, destroying everything I thought I knew. “Isn’t it wrong to fall for someone else so quickly after Jace?”

  “No,” Kat says and shakes her head. “It’s wrong to throw something away because you’re afraid of it, though.” Her voice is full of regret, but it didn’t stop her from telling me exactly what she thinks.

  “You guys are giving me whiplash.” I swallow thickly and brush the loose locks out of my face, resting my elbows on the table and burying my face in my hands. “I shouldn’t be with him, I should be with him. I hurt him by breaking up with him, but I shouldn’t be with him if I feel regret. I don’t know what to think!” I say, my voice raw and the words tearing their way up my throat.

  “What do you want, Jules?” Sue asks me, not missing a beat although my other two friends only stare at me with questions and guilt of their own. “Love isn’t about thinking, it’s only about what you feel.” Of all the women in this group, I’m not sure I should take her advice on love, but she says it with such conviction that I believe it. And I trust her.

  “I feel like I’ve been sad for too long,” I say. “I feel like I deserve to be punished for moving on. I feel like I miss Mason. Like really miss him. And I know I hurt him.” I brush my fingers under my eyes and suck in a breath to keep myself from falling to pieces. “I didn’t know it would be like this. I feel like life was spinning out of control and he was the one steady thing and I was taking advantage of that.” My fingers tremble as I press my palms against my eyes, finally finishing my thoughts. “I don’t know if I’m running away from all this hurt or running to him.” I swallow and whisper, “Maybe some of both? And it scares me.”

  It’s too much to take in and process, but I need all this mayhem to stop.

  “You don’t have to know. You don’t have to do anything,” Kat says. Her phone’s flipped over on the table and as soon as I notice that, I also notice all three women staring at me with sympathy. Waiting for me. I don’t deserve this. I don’t know how I ended up so close with these women but without them, I’d be so lost.

  “You can take as much time as you need,” Maddie says with a small nod.

  That’s the problem, though. I wanted things to be slow, but he was a force I couldn’t control. My body bowed down to his and I would have been swallowed whole if I gave any more of myself to him.

  It doesn’t stop me from wanting him and the way I feel when I’m with him. He was right that first night when he said he’d make me forget everything but his name and what he’d done to me.

  “Are you sure it’s not wrong? Because it feels like the worst kind of wrong.” I glance at each of the girls, feeling like whatever they tell me will propel me in the direction I need to go.

  “It’s scary,” Maddie says, shifting in her seat and breaking eye contact.

  “Love is terrifying,” Kat adds.

  “It’s not wrong. You haven’t done anything wrong and you should do what you want to do. Even if that’s breaking every bachelor’s heart in New York City.” A soft, playful smile greets me as I look at Sue. She nudges me and reaches for the paper. “This wasn’t your fault, but I can’t say I’m not curious about the gossip ... and that I don’t think there was something good about you two being together.”

  Mason

  Anger management. The paper crinkles in my hand as I crumple it.

  No charges were pressed, but I’m sure Liam’s getting a kick out of the anger management classes the judge ordered me to attend. Prick. I know the asshole would have pushed the issue further if it wasn’t for the company. He wants to save face and hold this over me so I can do his bidding.

  That’s not going to fucking happen. I’ll take on all the debt if I have to and do it myself. The project is canceled; I’m taking the hit and dissolving the company. It’s better that I’m alone. It’s as simple as that.

  I drop the empty bottle of whisky in the trash can as well as the notice regarding the anger management course. The glass bottle clinks against the metal frame of the photograph. I stare down into the bin, the shattered glass marring the photo of the picture-perfect family. It’s destroyed … but really, it’s always been that way.

  I’m tired and angry, and tired of being angry too. This isn’t what I wanted or planned. I wanted more. For me, that meant Jules. With my fingers pinching the bridge of my nose, I lean back against the kitchen wall.

  Call it what you want. Out of everything in life, she’s the only thing I know I truly want. That should mean something.

  I make my way upstairs, walking slowly and dreading another night alone in this empty house. It never bothered me much before, but I can’t fucking stand the silence now.

  Someone knocks three times at the front door and I still with my hand on the banister.

  I wait a moment, wondering who the fuck would be here this late at night, even though only one name comes to mind. I steel myself for the worst, thinking it’s my father. I can’t face him right now. Not after what he’s done and what I accused him of. It’s only after another three knocks that I force myself to face the consequences. I open the door with a swift pull, prepared to turn him away, but my voice is caught in my throat.

  Jules’s baby blue eyes look at me with a mix of emotions. Fear, sorrow … hope. The chill of the wind spreads goosebumps along her arms and blows her long brunette hair off her shoulders. She looks to her left and then right, pulling her leather jacket tighter around her and taking a small step toward me.

  “Mason,” she says and licks her lush lips, painted with that same color I’ve grown to expect from her. “I—” She stops to clear her throat and looks away again as I stand numb in the doorway.

  Fate’s delivered her to me. I can’t let her go this time. I won’t.

  “I was hoping we could talk?” Her voice is timid and her heels click on the cement porch as she shifts in place. Her tight blue jeans hug her curves, although the loose cream blouse beneath her jacket leaves much to the imagination. I know what’s under there, though.

  I don’t say a word, too afraid of scaring her off. Instead I take a step to the side and open the door wider, waiting for her to walk in.

  Her cheeks and the tip of her nose are a beautiful rosy red from the bite of the night air.

  She hesitantly steps inside and looks around as if she hasn’t been here enough times to have the place memorized. I close the door and stare at the lock a moment too long before turning it.

  “Mason, I’m sorry.” Jules’s voice calls to me as I turn around to face her. I watch her swallow and then bite down on her bottom lip. She’s worried and apologetic, but I don’t give a fuck about the past. I never did. I care about what she wants now.

  “Why are you here, Jules?” I ask her in a deep voice. It’s rougher than I intended, but it’s al
l I can manage.

  “I heard about what happened,” she says. She fidgets as she waits for my response, but I don’t give her one. I’m not interested in talking about anything but us. I don’t want to taint her with the bullshit. “I just wanted to say I’m sorry for hurting you,” she says in a tight voice full of agony.

  “Is that all?” I say and it takes all the air I have in my lungs. Taking a step forward and closing the space between us, my heart thumps chaotically in my chest.

  She twists her fingers around one another nervously. “I also,” she starts to say and then swallows. “I was wondering if you still … if you were interested …”

  “In what?” My eagerness gets the best of me. Make this easy for me, Jules, and I’ll make everything right. I promise you, sweetheart, I’ll make it up to you.

  “If you’d like to maybe go out again? If that’s what we were doing?” A nervous huff of a laugh accompanies her proposition. I stare at her a moment, thinking it’s just too good to be true. She came back to me. There’s a saying about that, but it’s not meant for real life. It’s not meant for men like me.

  “If you still want me,” Jules adds, the raw vulnerability so thick in her voice.

  “I never stopped wanting you,” I say, my voice barely a murmur. Her doe eyes never leave mine as I gently push her jacket off her shoulders. If she thinks I don’t want her, she’ll know better soon enough.

  “Mason,” she says and gasps as I lean down and kiss her neck. Maybe it’s the alcohol or maybe it’s just that my body knows hers. But I’m not waiting for apologies or excuses or explanations.

  I need to feel her.

  “Mason, stop.” She pushes her hands against my chest, shrugging her jacket back on as I take a step back. “I need you to know that I’m worried we’re going too fast. I’m worried that this isn’t going to last.”

  A deep breath steadies me as I stare down at my sweetheart. “I told you, Jules. If you’re with me, then you’re with me and that’s all there is to it.” I take her hand in mine and kiss one knuckle, then another.

  “Mason,” she whimpers as if I’ve broken her heart. She has no idea. I turn her hand over and kiss her pulse, my heart beating faster.

  “No more of this running from me or from us, Jules. Are you with me?” I ask her, feeling more vulnerable than I ever have in my entire life. I whisper, “Are you mine?”

  “I don’t know that my heart is mine to give, Mason. It’s broken and I don’t know if it will heal the right way.” Jules sniffs and looks ashamed, but she has no idea how much I understand. I truly do.

  Grief is a journey and she doesn’t have to go it all alone.

  I wrap my arm around her waist and pull her into me. “You don’t have to be perfect, Jules, in order to be perfect for me.” I kiss her hair and hope that she can understand. “I want you how you are today, and tomorrow I’ll want you how you are then.”

  Jules buries her head into my chest, her hair brushing against my chin and I kiss the top of her head. “Why are you so perfect, Mason?” she says and relaxes in my embrace. “How do you know just the right words to say?” Her voice is soft and relaxed as she molds her body to mine and that’s when I know I’ve won her over.

  “I’m not perfect, Jules.” My heart aches in my chest, knowing just how imperfect I am. And how imperfect I am for her. She has no idea. We aren’t meant to fit together, but I’ll force the pieces to line up and pretend it’s meant to be.

  For her. Because I owe her that much.

  “I can’t tell you how happy I am that you came back,” I whisper and run my hand in soothing circles along her back.

  Julia

  I asked you to leave.

  I need to be alone.

  But you stayed in my head.

  My heart and my home.

  I asked you to leave me,

  But you won’t go away.

  When I go to find you tomorrow,

  I only hope that you’ll stay.

  Mason’s bedroom is so much darker than mine. Full of deep grays and dark wood. It matches the rest of his home, I suppose. His curtains are thick velvet and shut tight. Even with hardly any light, I can see him, all of him. His muscles ripple in the faint light. It makes Mason seem so much more dominating, which is criminal.

  He already owns me, consuming me with his presence. But right now, at this very moment as he towers over me, skimming his fingers over my sensitized skin, I’m weaker for him than I’ve ever been in my entire life.

  “Mason.” I murmur his name as he lays me down on his bed. I turn my head to the side and arch my back as he leaves open-mouth kisses down my neck. We’re both naked, but it’s more than that. So much more. We’ve been here before plenty of times, but this is different. We’re bared to each other.

  “If we do this, can you promise me one thing?” My heart is pounding in my chest as I lay back on the bed, because I feel like this is the end. It’s putting so much to rest and moving on toward the unknown. I’m terrified that I’ll fall and he’ll let me shatter when he’s done with me.

  “What?” He whispers the question between kisses.

  “Please don’t hurt me,” I beg him. “I want you and I want what we have ...” I trail off, barely able to breathe. “But promise if you want me to go, you’ll do it easy and as soon as you know.” He braces his forearms on either side of my head and looks down at me with an intense look in his gray eyes that pierces my lungs, stopping me from breathing.

  “You need to stop this.” His voice is hard, but it always is when I say something he doesn’t like. “Do you understand?”

  I nod my head and say, “Yes.” I really do. I want this to stop and for us to begin.

  “Don’t hide from me, Jules. Don’t run from me,” Mason tells me with an authority that can’t be denied.

  I nod my head in complete agreement. I’m tired of running and denying myself what I really want. “No more secrets,” I say into the hot air between us.

  Mason pulls away, looking at me as if he’s going to tell me something. The silence and tension grow, but no words come. Instead he crashes his lips to mine and pushes his body against me, forcing me to spread my legs for him.

  And I do, I let him have all of me.

  His fingers trail down between my legs as my core heats. He doesn’t stop nipping and kissing over my heated body, his hands roaming freely, taking in every inch of me. I’m helpless beneath him. Falling deeper and deeper into the darkness and loving how overwhelming it all is.

  I missed this. God, how I missed this.

  He groans in the crook of my neck, a sexy deep sound that makes my body arch toward him as if drawn even closer to him by an undeniable pull. His heated skin brushes against mine as he pushes himself inside of me.

  My mouth opens and I stare up at him, his steel gray eyes holding my gaze as he enters me, slowly stretching me and not stopping until he’s fully inside of me.

  My heart beats faster, my body numb and on edge, waiting for him to move and take me how he wants me. Rough, raw, and making me his.

  His fingers dig into my hips, pinning me down as he pulls out slightly and then slams back in, forcing a whimper from me. My body bucks instinctively, but I never break eye contact. I can’t. He holds me captive beneath his gaze.

  He does it over and over again until I’m so wet and hot for him that he easily slips in and out, each time forcefully smacking against my clit.

  My body writhes and begs me to move away; it’s too much, too intense. But that’s just how Mason is. I knew it when I met him. More than that, I need him. I need this.

  I love you, my heart whispers but I don’t say it aloud. Small whimpers of pleasure spill from my lips with each thrust and I swear I’m close to admitting it. So close.

  He groans low in his throat as he speeds up his relentless thrusts, resting his forehead against mine and kissing me mercilessly. Our lips barely touch, but they do, kiss after kiss after kiss. A series of slow kisses with our hearts racin
g fast beg me to confess.

  He steals the breath from my lungs. His hot body makes mine burn with desire. I cling to him, wrapping my legs around him and digging my nails into his shoulder.

  Higher and higher he pushes me.

  The pleasure comes in small waves, dim at first but growing stronger and stronger. They threaten to overwhelm me as my fingers and toes tingle. The crash will shatter me, I know it. I don’t beg him to stop. I don’t try to pull away. I want it, I crave it, I’m desperate for him to ruin me.

  “Mason!” I cry out as the wave consumes me, pulling me under in an intense orgasm that paralyzes my body. It’s Mason’s cue to devour me and he does, fucking me with no regard for the state I’m in. He’s chasing his own release, pounding into me recklessly and extending my pleasure that much longer.

  I scream out as he whispers, “Mine,” in the crook of my neck again and again. His throaty voice gets louder as he fucks me harder. I can’t do a damn thing but take everything he’s giving me. And I do, with my nails digging into his skin and his masculine scent surrounding me. His large body suffocating me in the most delicious way.

  It’s only when he stills deep inside of me as I pant under him, desperately trying to breathe, that I’m able to moan out my pleasure. His thick cock pulses and the wetness between my thighs leaks between us.

  He doesn’t stop holding me.

  He doesn’t stop kissing me.

  I almost don’t tell him. I almost hide from him, but I promised him I wouldn’t.

  “I love you,” I whisper and give that piece of me to him too. He doesn’t say it back, but I know he heard it.

  He kisses me without mercy, soothing my pain and taking everything I have.

  Mason

  How long is long enough? I keep thinking it with every second that passes. As if I’m not a complete fraud for asking Jules to marry me.

  It’s been two weeks of things falling perfectly into place. She’s still waiting for the other shoe to drop. For this fantasy we’re living in together to crumble into pieces. I won’t let it, though. I’ll give her everything she wants and that includes a ring, a sense of security that will seal us together and truly put our respective pasts behind us.