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  To Maes Hughes, T’Chaka, Neji, Ted Kord, Jean Grey fifty-leven times, Mufasa, Poussey Washington, Sasha Blouse, them ninjas Madara took out with the paper bomb, and all the heroes who couldn’t make it to see the release of this book. None of this is possible without your sacrifice.

  Contents

  Intro: From the Top

  Re-Definition: Nerd Isn’t a Person, It’s a Spectrum

  It’s Time We Stop Pretending That Simba Wasn’t Garbage in The Lion King

  Raising the Avatar: No One Woman of Color Should Have All Them Haters

  You Can’t Win When Escapism Won’t Let You Escape

  Into the Spider-Verse Got Three Moments Better Than the Best Moment of Your Favorite Comic Book Movie Not Named Into the Spider-Verse

  I Hate It Here: Food Wars Would Be the Most Annoying Anime to Live In

  Y’all Gotta Chill with the Slander and Let Batman Cook

  What Happens to a New Fictional Black Character Deferred?

  Two Dope Boys and a Comic Book: The Superhero Fade Heard Round the Multiverse

  My Theory on How Black Folks’ Black Card Actually Works

  Top Five Dead or Alive: Tai Lung (Kung Fu Panda)

  Green Lantern Comics Have Low-Key Been Tackling Police Accountability for a Minute

  The 2000s and 2010s Golden Era of TV Gave Us a Lot of Great Television and Made Me So Damn Tired

  Craig of the Creek: When We See Us

  The Disney Two-Step

  Y’all Mind if I Wyl Out over Black Love and POC Love Real Quick?

  Whenever I Watch Underworld, I Feel Like Kate Beckinsale Wants to Break Up with Me

  An Open Letter to Gohan: You Gonna Stop Being Trash Anytime Soon or Nah?

  The Want to Protect Taraji’s Proud Mary, Critiquing the Choir, and How We Judge Black Art

  For Dark Girls Who Never Get Asked to Play Storm

  How My Black Ass Would Survive Every Horror Movie

  Jordan Peele Should Get His Flowers while He’s Here

  Top Five Dead or Alive: Red Hood in the DC Animated Universe

  If My Black Ass Was Enrolled in the X-Men’s School, Charles Xavier Would Have Been Fed Up

  Go On: An Evergreen Comedic Series That Helped Me Navigate Loss

  The Sobering Reality of Actual Black Nerd Problems

  Bury the Stringer Bell but Let Idris Live

  An Open Letter to the Starks: Y’all Should’ve Taken Better Care of Your Direwolves

  Haikyuu!! Roughly Translated Means “Ball Is Life”

  I Read Mark Millar’s Jupiter’s Legacy and I Saw the Father I Am and the Father I Hope I Never Have to Be

  Hajime no Ippo Is Just a Manga about Boxing but I’m Over Here Crying My Guts Out

  Do You Have a Moment to Talk About Our Lord and Savior Aloy from Horizon Zero Dawn?

  Two Dope Boys and Movin’ Weight with Pusha T’s Daytona

  Killing Floor: Navigating Real-World Gun Violence as a Hardcore Gamer

  Hamilton and the Case of Historical Fanfics

  Graduating to the Grown Folks’ Table: I Finally Learned How to Play Spades

  Two Dope Boys and an—Oh My God, the Flash Got Fucked Up!

  Black Nerd Crush Blues: Myra Monkhouse Deserved Way Better

  The Push and Pull of Watching Mad Men while Black

  Mario Kart Reveals Who You Truly Are

  Top Five Dead or Alive: Monica Rambeau (Marvel Comics)

  On Hope, Escapism, and Attrition Discussed Between Black Men

  Two Dope Boys and a Comic Book: House of X

  Blade II Still Has the Most Disrespectful Superhero Fades My Black Ass Has Ever Seen

  Chadwick Boseman’s Wakanda Salute Is Canon in the History of Black Language

  Outro

  Acknowledgments

  About the Authors

  Intro: From the Top

  WILLIAM: Listen, when Omar and I met on the mean streets of Madison, Wisconsin, doing the grimy shit called poetry slams back in 2008, we didn’t know we would end up writing a book together. Man, I didn’t even like this muthafucka’s stage name. True anime rivalry/friendship shit, man. We slammed against each other, we watched each other get bullshit scores or win crowns. And then we started talkin’ nerd shit. All the nerd shit.

  OMAR: Through nerd shit all connections are possible. In 2013 we brought you Black Nerd Problems, the website. Eight years of memes, live tweets, Game of Thrones recaps, and the hard pop culture ESPN-level analysis that cyber streets needed. It all led to this Black-ass nerdy-ass book. Originally, we told Simon & Schuster we wanted this shit published on papyrus. We doing this for the old-school printing press. Y’all want that Old English back? Y’all want that Shakespeare back? Well, that’s too damn bad ’cause this right here written in Wakandan (we’ll do a loose translation for those unfamiliar).

  WILLIAM: Nah, we writing this shit like a manga, the rest of this shit you gotta read right to left, fam. [I’m joking, don’t do shit. Omar and I can’t speak nothing but English and Black-ass English. I’ve been watching subbed anime for years and I couldn’t speak a sentence of Japanese with a Naruto Rasengan to my head.]

  Seriously though, what Black Nerd Problems has taught me is how wide-ranging our nerddom can be. I didn’t start reading comics till 2006. I didn’t start watching anime on the regular until I edited someone else’s Black Nerd Problems piece. Omar been talkin’ about Hajime no Ippo like it’s his Quran or some shit, and I love him, but I STILL ain’t seen a second of that joint. But I will defend that shit to my dying breath. You: “Man, sports anime is okay.” Me: “That’s cuz you ain’t hip to Hajime, bruh!” And that’s the point of this book, yo. You may not catch every reference, every jutsu, every filler arc, but we trying to make sure you know we felt that shit.

  OMAR: And isn’t that the heart of being a nerd? *Naruto flutes chime in* That feeling of excitement and passion for a show, book, or character that you fucks with and then wanting to share that among friends or even strangers, hoping they feel the same thing you do? *Morpheus from The Matrix voice* Isn’t that worth nerding out over? Isn’t that worth fighting for, for Black nerds and nerds of color to come together and share that joy? We thought so.

  Re-Definition: Nerd Isn’t a Person, It’s a Spectrum

  OMAR HOLMON, aka Noah Webster’s Ghostwriter

  BEFORE WE CAN get into this real rap raw nerd essays and content, it’s important to understand what we as authors mean when we refer to the term nerd. How we define the word may be different than how the reader defines it. So allow me to get my TED Talk monologue on to break the definition of the word nerd down by how it has come to be defined in dictionaries. *takes off my regular square-framed glasses and puts on my public-speaking PowerPoint presentation tortoiseshell-framed glasses*

  The online Merriam-Webster dictionary defines a nerd as an “unstylish, unattractive, or socially inept person; especially: one slavishly devoted to intellectual or academic pursuits.”

  Dictionary.com defines a nerd as “1. a person considered to be socially awkward, boring, unstylish, etc.; 2. an intelligent but single-minded person obsessed with a nonsocial hobby or pursuit: a computer nerd.”

  As words evolve, they go through semantic change or, more fittingly, semantic pro
gression. Semantic progression occurs when the modern meaning of a word is entirely different from its original meaning. Watch the breakdown: dope, as a noun, used to just refer to a “stupid” person (1850s); later on in time it became a reference to drugs (1880–1900s), but as an adjective it can refer to something as good or great (1980s). You can think of countless other words that you’ve seen evolve via idioms and slang, which varies across cultures and ethnicities. One word that hasn’t officially (as of me writing this in 2020) evolved in the dictionary is the term nerd.

  Now, you may be reading this and thinking, “Where’s this goin’? Who gives a fuck? Why did he switch glasses when he was already wearing glasses?” Well, if you’re reading this book (that clearly says Black Nerd Problems on it) or just “glimpsing through it,” *Jeff Foxworthy voice* youuuuu might be a redneck nerd. Regardless, hear me out and watch how I flip this shit.

  The only saving grace between both online dictionaries’ descriptions is their second definitions for the term: “one slavishly devoted to intellectual or academic pursuits” and “an intelligent but single-minded person obsessed with a nonsocial hobby.” Growing up in the 2000s from my teen to college years, I came to understand the term and had the term broken down to me as “a person that knows a little bit about a lot of things,” whereas a geek knows a lot about one specific thing. For me, and I want to say for a lot us that identify as nerds, this is a commonplace interpretation of the word, but as far as I know, I haven’t ever seen that reflected on paper regarding the word in an “official” definition.

  I stated all that to say this: it’s been a long time since the term nerd came in the context of a jock vs. an academic, or the popular high school quarterback pushing a scrawny kid into a locker, or the “mean girls” knocking books out of someone’s hands. Now in 2020, it ain’t really the Revenge of the Nerds movie setting for the context of the word—I’m hard-pressed to say if it ever was… and thank god ’cause even in that movie about underdog “nerds” trying to get their revenge, it’s full of misogyny and racial stereotypes. Speaking of stereotypes, media representation gotta be factored in the description for a nerd as well, right? A nerd is usually a male (which is usually sexist), typically white (which is typically racist), scrawny or fat (but in the derogatory fatphobic way), that’s (lest we forget) into some obscure hobby/thing no one else cares about. [Sidebar: If you’re reading this and wanting to say Steve Urkel from Family Matters as a breaking of the mold by being the first mainstream Black nerd, I question why Urkel, who debuted in 1989, gets that credit and not Dwayne Wayne from A Different World, who was a fucking mathematician and debuted two years before Urkel. Dwayne Wayne and Steve Urkel were both nerds, the only difference was Urkel played heavily on the exaggerated stereotypes of a nerd. So, is a nerd only recognized as a nerd when it comes with a full package of stereotypes? Never mind that the nerdy character Roger “Raj” Thomas from What’s Happening!! debuted in 1976. Wouldn’t he be both their OG? But I digress…]

  Okay, so we got the origin/etymology of nerd down, right? Boom. Now dead all that. With the way the term has evolved and how it’s been incorporated in mainstream media, nerd is much more than a singular person, it’s a spectrum. Nerd has evolved more so into being a fan of a genre. That genre doesn’t have to just be comic books, movies. Sneakerheads are fans of sneakers and know them in explicit detail. They could be considered nerds. Hip-hop heads who know their entire history of the music genre can be considered nerds. Academic nerds. Cooking-show nerds. Sports fans are mos def nerds by being able to recount a player’s performance statistics like an RPG character. The list goes on. If you enjoy something, anything you want, if it excites you and you want other people to know of it and enjoy it, then you’re a fan of it, which also means you’re a fucking nerd for it. That sounds beautiful and inclusive on paper, doesn’t it? Sounds great on paper… Here’s the problem. To be a nerd means being part of a subculture. A cultural group or collective within a much larger culture that doesn’t adhere to the status quo, beliefs, or interests of the larger culture. If you’re a Black or POC nerd, then you’re in a subculture within a subculture (Inception shit). The problem is being a part of this subculture means you’re part of a minority, which then becomes attached to the identity of being a nerd.

  So, when nerd shit starts becoming trendy, a divide occurs, with those nerds now being in an era where this thing only a few loved becomes loved by even more folks. This hobby that was part of the minority is now enjoyed by the majority. So, what happens when what you fan out for isn’t the obscure cool thing only a few know about anymore? It’s like having a favorite band or artist that was low-key for a long time suddenly blow up with a hit single. Its fan base widens and now they’ve got a larger reach. There’s that feeling of having been there riding for them before they sold out, as the cliché goes. As if everyone enjoying or having access to them now somehow dilutes the enjoyment for those there from the beginning. You know exactly what I’m talking about. Watch the breakdown: We get big-budget superhero movies yearly now. They’ve become the new Spaghetti Westerns. These superhero movies bring more folks to comic books, comic books become more common reading material and are even seen as a more mainstream-adjacent hobby and not seen as “just for kids.” Nerds that fucked with comics when it wasn’t associated with cool or trendy then feel like “It wasn’t accepted like that when I was coming up. Now that it is, how do I fit in?” Therein lies the problem.

  Individually, that nerd is no longer part of a small underdog group; they become part of a larger group that likes comic books now. It’s like going from the Resistance to joining the Empire. There’s this fear of losing that cool subculture-minority identity that they’ve come to identify themselves by. So, in order to hold on to identity, you see folks using all the knowledge they’ve acquired as a litmus test for others to see who was there from the beginning like them or knows as much as them. Now when someone comes into this group liking comics but doesn’t know Professor X’s Social Security number stated in a back issue from thirty years ago, then they’re “not a true fan” or “not a real nerd” or, if they’re a woman, a “fake geek girl.” All this from a fear of a loss of identity. See how fear is the path to the dark side? Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering gatekeeping. Nerds gatekeeping other nerds to see if they’re “nerdy” enough for the nerdy club looks like Anakin Skywalker cuttin’ down them Jedi younglings. You’re hurtin’ the cause instead of helping it, fam.

  If the definition of nerd needs to go through semantic progression and the term nerd has evolved into a spectrum instead of just an individual, then the individuals that adhere to this spectrum must become more malleable and welcoming to all portions of said spectrum in order to make the definition true. I don’t think nerd as a subculture is a thing of the past or a Force ghost now. The progression of nerd as a subculture shouldn’t be feared, especially when nerd as a spectrum contains various multitudes and hues. I mean, think of the word nerd like the Pokémon Pikachu: we’ve gained so much experience over the years, it’s time for that fucker to evolve into a Raichu. However, if due to the fear of a loss of identity folks keep gatekeeping the term as if it’s a title to be earned instead of a realization one comes to across a spectrum of genres, then the definition of nerd will remain as it has been over the years, a Pikachu. Yeah, it’s cute, convenient, and comfortable, but with what we know now and all this experience, the definition of the word could take that next step and evolve into so much more… like motherfucking Raichu or a hue in a vast nerdy mutherfucking spectrum.

  It’s Time We Stop Pretending That Simba Wasn’t Garbage in The Lion King

  WILLIAM EVANS, aka Diversity Consultant to Pride Rock

  SAY WHAT YOU will about Disney movies (and there’s plenty), but you can’t be out here in these streets acting like Disney ain’t got hits. They’ve been servicing the young, the old, the old with youngins, and everyone in between for more than seventy-five years, fam. But the
banger? The one that make you call up the fine gender-nonconforming gal/guy lion on a Friday night and ask if you trying to Disney and chill is The Lion King. Ain’t even close, folks. Not even. Lion King is exactly that, king of the gotdamn Pride Rock, and to this day, it still tops my chart.

  But even as we come to give praise to one of the best that ever done it, we have to set some baselines first. One: Rafiki was reincarnated as a brotha in Atlanta named Darius. Two: “Can You Feel the Love Tonight” is one verse and a couple of lyrical choices away from being borderline risqué for a G-rated film. And three: Simba, the beloved protagonist of the film, is straight up landfill. Trash. Rubbage. Election 2020. Whatever you want to call it, man. Every time I see a clip of Simba whipping his premature mane back and forth, I want to yell at the TV, “But YOU AIN’T THAT NICE, B, *vigorous hand clap* YOU AIN’T THAT NICE.”

  I know, Simba is an American icon. Like a Kardashian. Or the Confederate flag. But I ain’t convinced, man. Simba made some calls that just don’t sit right on my spirit. I recently watched The Lion King with my daughter, thinking that I was about to enjoy one of the best movies of all time while watching my daughter enjoy the majesty of this film for the first time. Man, listen. As soon as Rafiki lifted your dude up to the heavens and the whole hood bowed, it all came rushing back to me, like wait… they bowing down for who now? Elephants lowering their tusks for the softest cub in the Pride Lands?

  But let’s be fair, I guess, it’s pretty hard to follow Mufasa. It’s basically like when Bad Boy tried to replace Biggie with Shyne and then that shady shit went down in the club and Shyne caught ten years in prison for it. I mean, he did have one hit, at least. Simba’s “I Just Can’t Wait to Be King” should’ve been “I Just Can’t Wait to Book This Passport Out the Pride Lands when Scar, aka Marlo, Moves In on My Corners.” But we should’ve known, man. We should’ve known when this dude hopped his ass on the back of an ostrich, smiling like Drake in a gentlemen’s club while singing in C major. You can’t be king like that, fam. King Robert Baratheon woulda never been caught doing some dumb shit like that, yo.