I AM BRIDE Read online

  Contents

  Introduction: Your Big Day

  CHAPTER ONE: Your First Steps

  CHAPTER TWO: The Look and Feel of Your Wedding

  CHAPTER THREE: Share Your Joy

  CHAPTER FOUR: The People Who Work for You

  CHAPTER FIVE: Making Your Ceremony About You

  CHAPTER SIX: Your Over the Top Reception

  CHAPTER SEVEN: Life After Your Wedding

  Resources

  My Wedding Planning Checklist

  Acknowledgments

  “I think a hero is an ordinary [bride] who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles.”

  —CHRISTOPHER REEVE (with a little editing by me!)

  INTRODUCTION

  Your Big Day

  Your wedding day is the most important day of your life.

  It is a day to gather with your closest friends and family to celebrate the one and only you and the fact that you found a man to mate with and pay for your expensive taste for as long as you both shall live.

  As a high-end wedding planner, I have had the privilege of bearing witness to countless weddings. And yet, I like to think of myself as so much more than a person who plans weddings for a living. I am an artist, a therapist, a creator, and a leader. But at the end of the day, it is the bride who is the true dictator—her wedding is her totalitarian state. And this is exactly as it should be.

  One could equate the tradition of a woman’s wedding day to that of a Viking funeral. A wedding is the peak of a woman’s life, the day after her wedding marking the beginning of a long, onerous trudge to the end. But let’s not focus on that right now. Because if you’ve purchased this book, that means you have a wedding ahead of you, which means your life is currently full of purpose and meaning. Nothing is more important than your wedding, which means if you’re a bride-to-be, no one is more important than you.

  It’s also important to note that brides come in all shapes and sizes. Brides don’t necessarily have to be female. As long as you are courageous enough to devote your whole life to your wedding, and are able to take full advantage of those around you to get what you want when you want it, then you, my friend, are a bride, male or female. And you need my services.

  In this tome you will find a step-by-step guide to help you achieve your dream of the perfect wedding, covering everything from finding the perfect venue to finding the perfect Swarovski crystals for the bodice of your backup wedding dress to finding the perfect way to prevent your future in-laws from being involved in your wedding at all. Allow me the privilege of imparting the wisdom I’ve curated over my twenty-plus years of planning some of the most extravagant weddings in the tristate area. Wedding planning is a massive undertaking, so I always recommend that my brides take a permanent leave of absence from their jobs, quit extracurricular activities (especially any volunteer obligations!), and sever ties with any unnecessary friends and family. Your wedding is your life now. Enjoy it!

  And should you find yourself in a moment of frustration during the planning process, it’s important to remember what this day is all about: you. After all, there’s no us in wedding. Yes, there’s a we, but it’s the royal we, which means me (which means you!). I Am Bride shall be your new mantra. And let this book be your guiding light.

  FOR THE GROOM

  If you’ve read this far, you’ve wasted two minutes of your life that you’ll never get back. This book is not for you. A groom getting heavily involved in wedding planning is sort of like a monkey trying to ride a tricycle—it’s both disturbing and fruitless. And no one cares what kind of cake the groom prefers, so why would you even mention you like German chocolate? Once you knelt on the ground and begged for her hand in marriage, your work was done. Now all you have to do is sit back, relax, and enjoy as you discover brand-new sides of the woman you’ve just asked to be your wife, her full personality finally able to blossom as she settles into her new role as a bride-to-be.

  “A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step [and an increased credit limit].”

  —LAO TZU / Me

  CHAPTER ONE

  Your First Steps

  He finally proposed!

  If you’re still in your twenties, congratulations! You have achieved something that lesser women have failed at for centuries. If you’re thirty or older, then read quickly, because you are in a race against death.

  The moment you get engaged, something very special happens: You cease being a woman and you become a bride-to-be. Your new life begins the moment he slips that ring past the first knuckle—and hopefully he bought the ring that you picked out and emailed a picture of to him once a week! (For more tips on getting a man who isn’t ready to propose to finally pop the question, please see my book Getting What You Want at All Costs.) Now that you two are happily betrothed, his work is done! But your journey has just begun. It’s time for you to embark on the most exciting and solitary journey of any woman’s life: planning your wedding day.

  It’s a daunting task for sure. You have one shot to turn your childhood wedding fantasies into reality. It’s likely your expectations are unrealistically high—and that’s exactly where they should remain! Planning the perfect fairy-tale wedding will require some blood, sweat, and lots of tears. So many tears. So allow me to hold your hand through this process every step of the way. Let’s start at the very beginning. After all, every detail leading up to your wedding is just as crucial as the details of the day itself!

  Crafting the Perfect Engagement Announcement for Social Media: Dos and Don’ts

  Becoming someone’s fiancée is sort of like gaining access to the most exclusive club in town. Think it’s hard getting inducted into the Illuminati? Try getting a man to commit! Good luck, sister! Reliable sources like sitcoms, rom-coms, and chick lit have taught us for centuries that men hate commitment. So once you do get him down on one knee, it’s perfectly natural to want to announce this momentous accomplishment to your extended social network. But there’s a right way and a wrong way to do this. The “right” way will make a lot of people jealous; the “wrong” will merely make people happy for you, not want to be you.

  DO use a photo! The ideal photo captures the location of the proposal (as any man worthy of you will have a professional photographer on retainer to capture the engagement), the general vibe of the proposal (surprise, tropical, expensive, romantic), the relief in your eyes that you’re not going to die alone, and, most important, the ring. Make sure your announcement photo conveys all these things! And if it doesn’t, keep taking pictures until you get the right one, no matter how long it takes. You and your fiancé have the rest of your lives to celebrate your engagement together—but you only have one chance to get this picture right.

  DO utilize all platforms! You want your announcement to reach as many eyes as possible, so post on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, Tumblr, Ello, Bumble, Pinterest, and Tinder. Don’t have enough followers? Those can be bought!

  DON’T be afraid to use hashtags! These are a clever marketing secret that can really drive traffic to your engagement announcement. Research has found that the longer the hashtag and the greater the quantity of hashtags used, the better.

  Some great hashtags to consider:

  #blessed

  #sohappy

  #futuremrsX

  #engaged

  #helikeditsoheputaringonit

  #bridetobe

  #hedidntgotoJaredhewentsomewherebetter

  #myengagementringcost$36,167justfyi

  #imhappierthanyou

  DON’T stop posting until you get the number of “likes,” “retweets,” and “shares” that your engagement announcement deserves! Remember, you’re setting
the tone for your entire wedding with this post. If your post gets a meager number of “likes” or “shares” (less than five hundred), then ask yourself, “What am I doing wrong?” It might be something simple (your groom isn’t photogenic and should be cropped out, your privacy settings are too strict), or it might be a bigger issue (you’re unlikable, etc.). Be tenacious.

  DO go big! A great set of pictures will certainly suffice, but a viral video is even more memorable! Of course, being proposed to via flash mob takes some foresight on your behalf, because you have to get your future fiancé on board. But assure him that all the hard work will pay off in the end. And let him know you won’t accept his proposal without adequate fanfare.

  A SPECIAL NOTE ON GETTING INTO THE NEW YORK TIMES WEDDINGS SECTION:

  Unless you’re a quad-racial lesbian couple who met while building yurts for underprivileged farmers in Peru during a yoga/service retreat only to discover you had actually been hallmates back at Yale, don’t even bother submitting. Being bougie enough to be featured in the Vows section is a lifelong commitment, and unless you’ve been working toward this since birth (i.e., were born into a rich family), then it’s not gonna happen. If you’re feeling discouraged, remember that print is dead! (Except for books, of course.)

  Your Engagement Ring

  Your ring is so much more than a symbol of his love and devotion. It’s an external marketing tool that allows you to always be advertising the fact that you’re getting married. It’s an easy visual cue that puts you above the un-engaged others. Why do you think engagement rings are typically so large and sparkly? Because they have a message to share, and therefore they demand to be noticed. In order to maximize your engagement ring’s effectiveness, consider the following tips:

  If you’re not already a lefty, try to make your left hand your dominant hand. Using your left hand more will give you more opportunities to flash that big sparkler and let everyone around you know, “I am someone’s very expensive property!” Whether you’re using a fork, brushing your bangs aside, or simply hailing a cab, give those fingers a little wiggle and watch as jealousy seethes just beneath the surface of every woman in your vicinity.

  Figure out your ring’s best angles and find your ring’s best light. Does your square cut do best tilted slightly to the right in natural lighting? Then try to keep a large window to your right as often as possible.

  A diamond is a weapon. It’s one of the strongest stones on the planet and you can use that to your advantage. Sure, an Instagrammed photo of your ring may last forever, but scarring someone physically by “accidentally” scratching them with your ring is truly forever. They’re never going to forget that you’re engaged! This form of marketing is particularly effective with frenemies.

  What Kind of Bride Are You?

  Now that you’ve announced to the world your pending bridedom, it’s time to focus on yourself for once. On the following pages you’ll find a handy flowchart I’ve created to help you figure out what kind of bride you are.

  NONTRADITIONAL BRIDE

  You’re a funky lady who likes to think outside the box and who has an inherent disrespect for tradition. Perhaps you’re an artist, yoga instructor, social worker, or member of some other frivolous profession. You’d probably get a kick out of wearing a tea-length, nonwhite wedding dress with shoes of a shockingly bright color—or worse, Converse sneakers. You plan to write your own ceremony, which will most definitely include lighting a soy-based candle to symbolize the fire of your love and at least one poem written by someone with an exotic-sounding name who is in fact just a barista in Portland. At least your wedding will be memorable, because people will have literally no idea what’s going on.

  RUSTIC BRIDE

  Whoa there, cowgirl! To you, glamour is defined by anything that seems a little dirty, used, and obviously cheap. Display bouquets in old coffee tins? Sure! Decorate your wedding with a handmade craft project such as paper bunting? Why not? Get married in a barn that is literally a house for animals? Absolutely! But perhaps you’ve figured out a secret that other rustic brides before you have long known: You are going to look extra radiant against the shitty backdrop that is your rustic wedding. When you walk down an aisle made of dirt and mulch in this season’s Monique Lhuillier, you’re going to shine that much brighter.

  GLAM BRIDE

  To you, nothing is ever good enough. There is no such thing as too much sparkle, too many feathers, too much animal print, too strong a Long Island accent, or too wide a berth that people must make to navigate the girth of your wedding gown.

  You understand that to be a woman is to be flashy. After all, if angels can be dressed head to toe in feathers, why shouldn’t you be? When guests walk into your wedding—or your home, for that matter—you want the decor to be so over-the-top that your guests feel like they’ve been physically assaulted . . . by beauty! And chandeliers.

  CLASSICAL BRIDE

  You’re an old-school kind of gal living in an ever-modernizing world. You value tradition and have an appreciation for doing things a certain way just because that’s how they’ve always been done. You don’t burden yourself with questioning the status quo—after all, worrying causes wrinkles! So go ahead and wear white on your wedding day, toss your bouquet, and let your husband peel a garter belt off your inner thigh with his teeth in front of your relatives. Who cares what any of this symbolizes? You are living proof that ignorance is bridal bliss!

  MERMAID BRIDE

  You’re probably a princess, or at least some sort of sea royalty; not just any mermaid is allowed to marry, procreation being such a difficult and painful process for your kind. You respect the laws of the sea, and no matter who you’re marrying—be it a dolphin, wise tortoise, or drowned sailor—you understand that your top priority is to rule with a gentle but decisive hand. But that doesn’t mean you can’t treat yourself to a Caribbean-style wedding, even if your kingdom is at the bottom of the Mariana Trench. Live a little! After all, you’re going to live for two hundred years.

  The Guest List

  Now this might seem premature, but it’s never too early to get started on your guest list. Like a fine glass of Veuve Clicquot, your guest list can easily bubble over if you’re not careful. And it will get stale and flat if you put it off too long. Also, your guest list will hopefully be mostly French. Très chic!

  BRIDESMAIDS: First and foremost, determine who your bridesmaids will be. Choose wisely—who do you want serving you and catering to your every beck and call for the next six to eighteen months? Think of the women or gay men in your life who truly support you, love you, and, most important, are submissive to you. The last thing you want to worry about on your wedding day is some uppity bridesmaid who dares to question your choice of bridesmaid dress—or worse, gets bangs without asking your permission first. Once you’ve decided that list, it’s time for . . .

  GROOMSMEN: When compiling the list of acceptable groomsmen for your fiancé, keep in mind that he cannot have more attendants than you, as that will offset the balance of the universe. Limit the list to family and his close friends who won’t try to sleep with your bridesmaids. You need your ladies focused on you, not their libidos.

  EVERYONE ELSE: Only invite the people you actually want to be there. Are there cousins you don’t care about whom your parents are insisting you invite? Friends of your groom? Anyone your in-laws know or are related to? Remember, this is your day, so you should only be surrounded by people you want/love/admire, who won’t steal the spotlight from you!

  However, do invite your frenemies. Your wedding day is the first day of your new life with your husband, and it’s also the day you’re going to look hotter and thinner than everyone else. It’s important to have those bitches there so they can stew in their own jealousy. Feeding off of their resentment will only make you stronger.

  In the words of my style icon and life role model Real Housewife Countess LuAnn de Lesseps, “money can’t buy you class” . . . but it can buy you big wedding pre
sents. Keep income and wealth levels in mind when compiling your guest list.

  When in doubt, make an A-list, a B-list, and a C-list. Place people who almost make the cut on your B-list, and invite them once you’ve gotten RSVPs from your A-list. The C-list is a great place to put anyone your in-laws or fiancé want to invite. Chances are you won’t ever make it to the C-list. It’s a win-win—for you at least.

  Creating Your Gift Registry

  A gift registry is essential for many reasons. We all know the best way for your friends and family to show their love is through material goods. It’s also a crucial step in transitioning your home into that of an adult married person. When building your registry, it’s important to list items that are practical, such as bedsheets, cooking utensils, and fourteen-karat-gold-plated china, but don’t stop there. Make sure to include items you think you might maybe someday want, even if you don’t want them now. Remember, this is your one and only chance to get literally anything you could ever want purchased for you by your friends and family (until you have a baby, but more on that later).

  Here are some oft-overlooked items that every bride should register for:

  CARAFE CARAFE. This is a carafe in which to store and display your new wine carafe. Just a slightly bigger carafe that you put your carafe into. Helps keep your wine carafe from getting dusty.

  CHERRY PITTER. You wouldn’t want your husband to catch you hand-pitting cherries, now would you?

  STEMWARE. You probably already own wineglasses, but did you know there is a different kind of wineglass for every kind of wine? Serving pinot gris in a glass designed for pinot noir is a great way to ruin a perfectly good glass of pinot gris.