What She Did Read online

  What She Did

  Table of Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Dedication

  PROLOGUE

  ONE

  TWO

  THREE

  FOUR

  FIVE

  SIX

  SEVEN

  EIGHT

  NINE

  TEN

  ELEVEN

  TWELVE

  THIRTEEN

  FOURTEEN

  FIFTEEN

  SIXTEEN

  SEVENTEEN

  EIGHTEEN

  NINETEEN

  TWENTY

  TWENTY-ONE

  TWENTY-TWO

  TWENTY-THREE

  TWENTY-FOUR

  TWENTY-FIVE

  TWENTY-SIX

  TWENTY-SEVEN

  TWENTY-EIGHT

  TWENTY-NINE

  THIRTY

  THIRTY-ONE

  THIRTY-TWO

  THIRTY-THREE

  THIRTY-FOUR

  THIRTY-FIVE

  THIRTY-SIX

  THIRTY-SEVEN

  THIRTY-EIGHT

  THIRTY-NINE

  FORTY

  FORTY-ONE

  FORTY-TWO

  FORTY-THREE

  FORTY-FOUR

  FORTY-FIVE

  FORTY-SIX

  FORTY-SEVEN

  FORTY-EIGHT

  FORTY-NINE

  FIFTY

  FIFTY-ONE

  FIFTY-TWO

  FIFTY-THREE

  FIFTY-FOUR

  FIFTY-FIVE

  FIFTY-SIX

  FIFTY-SEVEN

  FIFTY-EIGHT

  FIFTY-NINE

  SIXTY

  SIXTY-ONE

  SIXTY-TWO

  SIXTY-THREE

  SIXTY-FOUR

  SIXTY -FIVE

  SIXTY-SIX

  SIXTY-SEVEN

  SIXTY-EIGHT

  SIXTY-NINE

  SEVENTY

  SEVENTY-ONE

  SEVENTY-TWO

  SEVENTY-THREE

  SEVENTY-FOUR

  SEVENTY-FIVE

  SEVENTY-SIX

  SEVENTY-SEVEN

  SEVENTY-EIGHT

  SEVENTY-NINE

  EIGHTY

  EIGHTY-ONE

  EIGHTY-TWO

  EIGHTY-THREE

  EIGHTY-FOUR

  EIGHTY-FIVE

  EIGHTY-SIX

  EIGHTY-SEVEN

  EIGHTY-EIGHT

  EPILOGUE

  A Letter From Alex

  Acknowledgements

  Copyright

  What She Did

  Alex Kane

  For my husband and my parents, who encourage me to write every day.

  PROLOGUE

  I’m none other than a spectator in the gathering crowd as she runs faster than her feet can carry her. She is screaming and I can just about hear her over the sound of fast passing cars.

  I did not mean for any of this to happen. I don’t want to be the person I am. Nothing good ever comes from being who I am. But the truth is, I am bad. I always have been.

  I watch her as she pushes through people who are hunched together under umbrellas that take a beating from the rain which pours down from the darkened sky above.

  I call out to her to stop running, that I’m not going to hurt her. She turns to me and I see her blink against the rain as it powers down onto her face. Blackened tears trail down to her chin and drop to the ground and her sodden hair clings to her face.

  I’m sorry, I call out.

  Her chest heaves as she sucks in large gulps of air.

  I hear a crack inside my head and I shut my eyes tight against the noise.

  When I open them, she’s no longer standing across from me.

  She’s dead.

  I feel a sudden rush of pain in my chest, in my head too.

  I fall to the ground and darkness creeps in from the corners of my eyes.

  ONE

  VICTORIA (THEN)

  The little girl cries into the pillow as she lays on the unfamiliar bed. All she wanted was her sister, the only one who had ever been able to take care of her. But they’d been separated when the other adults arrived at the door. They were bossy and her parents had argued with them for a short time before she’d heard them climb the stairs and enter the bedroom.

  ‘Mummy and daddy need some help to look after you, so we’re going to find somewhere new for you to live so we can help them.’ One of the adults had said as they glanced around her bedroom. The other adult had a sad look on her face as she shook her head. That had been the previous evening.

  ‘Why are you crying?’ the other girl asked who was sitting on the bed opposite her own now.

  ‘I miss my sister,’ she said.

  ‘Did they take her away?’

  Little Victoria wiped her eyes and sat up so she was facing the other bed. ‘Yes.’

  The room was dark, except for the street light outside which shined through the window. Victoria glanced around the room and sighed. Everything about the room was unfamiliar, the smell, the décor, the toys. She looks at the other girl and tries to smile.

  ‘I’m Holly.’

  ‘I’m Victoria. How long have you been here?’

  ‘I arrived here today. Same as you,’ Holly said. ‘I don’t know why I had to come.’

  Victoria reached out for the one teddy bear she had managed to bring from home and hugged it tight to her chest. She thought about home and where her sister, Gill, might be now. It hurt her chest to think that she might never see her again.

  ‘Will we be here forever?’ Victoria asks Holly.

  ‘I don’t know. But we can be friends and when we’re older and leave here, we could still be friends?’ Holly asked.

  Victoria liked the sound of that. If Gill was gone, it would be nice to have someone else to talk to. Holly seemed nice, a comfort inside the destruction.

  ‘I’d like that.’

  Holly moved from the bed to sit beside Victoria and held her hand. ‘This place seems okay for now. You’ll find your sister again one day. When we’re older, I can help you find her.’

  Victoria lay down on the bed and closed her eyes. Holly never left her side.

  TWO

  BETH (THEN)

  One year. One whole year has passed since I started seeing Lawrence. It has gone by so quickly I can hardly believe it. In some ways I feel like we have been together longer because we are so close, but then a year really is nothing. I glance at him as he lays on the couch beside me, breathing deeply in his sleep. I smile when I think about what I was doing this time last year.

  My stomach churned excitably as I waited for Lawrence to appear for our first date. Well, our first proper date. I’d sipped on my wine and tried not to glance at the time on my phone every two minutes. I’d kept telling myself he would turn up. He would. We’d been all over each other when we’d met in that nightclub – or the dive, as the locals referred to it. Not the best nightclub in Leith to end up in after the pub, but it was the only one nearby which hadn’t closed down. He was handsome – beyond handsome – and we’d connected, so for me the surroundings hadn’t mattered. I kept telling myself that someone like him would only be interested in one thing, but then I saw him walk through the door and I couldn’t stop the smile which spread across my face.

  ‘Beth,’ he’d said when he reached the table. ‘Sorry I’m late, taxi failed to show.’ He bent down and kissed my cheek.

  ‘Don’t worry about it,’ I replied as casually as possible and took another sip of wine. ‘Can I get you a drink?’

  ‘Shouldn’t it be me asking you that?’ Lawrence asked, removing his coat and hanging it over the back of the chair.

  ‘Only if you’re one of those tradit
ionalists who pulls a chair out for the ladies and escorts them home?’ I smiled over my glass and remembered thinking that he could’ve knocked me sideways with how gorgeous he was.

  ‘Ah, I think you’ll find that’s otherwise known as gentlemanly,’ he laughed and glanced up at the waiter who had appeared at our table. Lawrence ordered a bottle of beer and took the menu in his hand. ‘You look amazing, by the way. Exactly the way I remember you.’

  I felt my cheeks blush and thanked the universe there were no spotlights above our table. ‘Thank you.’

  We ate dinner and I drank more wine. A little more than is likely to be acceptable on a first date. My head felt fuzzy and the sides of my vision blurred, but I was happy and, so far, didn’t want the evening to end. We moved to a corner table at the back of the restaurant (known as the snug, and it was) and Lawrence slid in so he was sitting beside me. He was sweet, keeping eye contact as I spoke.

  ‘So, what do you do for work?’ I’d asked, noting how built his arms appeared to be.

  ‘I’m a jack of all trades, did a bit of everything when I left school. Plumbing, painting and decorating.’

  His arms rested on the back of sofa and every so often I felt his thumb brush against my bare shoulder. I tried not to wriggle under the excitement of being with someone new; I didn’t want him to think I was too keen. I remember thinking how the girls would gush over him if they met him and I felt a little smug about it.

  ‘And what do you do?’ he asked.

  ‘I work for a solicitor,’ I replied. ‘Just a receptionist at the moment, but I’m hoping to study and work my way up.’

  ‘Whoa, that’s impressive. So you’re clever as well as gorgeous?’

  I’d blushed again and tried not to do that stupid girly laugh.

  ‘Let me guess, you live in one of those posh flats by the harbour in Newhaven?’ He smiled and I couldn’t help but drink him in.

  ‘I wish,’ I laughed. ‘Maybe one day when the money is rolling in when I’m a high-flying solicitor. Right now I’m in a little terraced house in Leith.’

  ‘Nice. I’m in a flat near the golf course.’

  ‘Ah, I’m not too far from there.’

  He smiled at me and sipped his beer and as I watched his throat gulp, my stomach fluttered.

  ‘So, since we’re not that far apart, can I be a traditionalist and walk you home?’ Lawrence asked me.

  ‘I think you’ll find that’s just gentlemanly,’ I smiled and that’s when he leaned in to kiss me.

  I’d opened my eyes and peered at the clock on my bedside table. The time had told me it was 07:36 in the morning and as I’d turned my head to the right, he was there, lying in bed beside me. So much for not appearing too keen, I’d thought to myself.

  I sat up slowly and hoped that he wouldn’t wake up before I’d had the chance to go to the bathroom. I didn’t want him to see me with panda eyes and crazy hair. And I didn’t even want to think about his expression if he’d caught a whiff of my morning breath. I crept out of my bedroom and into the bathroom, where I looked at myself in the mirror and shook my head. Thank god he hadn’t woken up. I brushed my teeth, washed my face and combed my hair before going back into the bedroom.

  ‘I thought you’d done a runner,’ Lawrence had said as I slid back into bed.

  ‘From my own house? Imagine your date is that shit you have to do one from your own house.’ I’d laughed.

  He propped himself up on one elbow and looked down at me. How could someone look that good first thing in the morning after a night of drinking?

  ‘I really enjoyed last night,’ he said.

  ‘Me too,’ I replied.

  ‘What do you think about meeting up again? Up for it?’

  ‘Yeah, I am,’ I replied. He leaned down to kiss me and I was so glad I’d brushed my teeth.

  I smile down at him again when I think about it now, and I really am in love with Lawrence. As is he with me. He tells me all the time. I couldn’t ask for a sweeter man in my life. Always showering me in compliments and buying me gifts and, yes, I am that girl who takes pictures on her phone at every given opportunity and posts the best ones on my Instagram page. I love documenting our relationship, and yes I do want people to see how happy I am with Lawrence. Is that so bad?

  ‘You all right wee yin?’ Lawrence opens his eyes and smiles up at me.

  ‘Yep,’ I say. ‘Just thinking about how far we’ve come and what we were doing this time last year.’

  He sits up and pulls me in towards him, holding me close to his chest. ‘Couldn’t be happier to have met you in that dive. What was it called again?’

  ‘Mango Bar,’ I reply and Lawrence starts laughing.

  ‘That’s right, all the youngsters were calling it mangled bar because that was the state they got themselves into when their fake IDs worked and they got in,’ he says and I giggle at the memory. ‘You don’t mind that we stayed in tonight, do you?’

  I shake my head. ‘Not at all.’

  ‘I’m so happy for it to be just the two of us for our anniversary. Dinner, a film and a couple of drinks. Perfect,’ Lawrence says, kissing me on the head.

  ‘Definitely. I love you so much, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.’

  ‘Wouldn’t want to be with anyone else,’ he kisses me again.

  ‘No one.’ I smile.

  We are so completely wrapped up in each other and share everything together. Everything.

  THREE

  BETH (THEN)

  The sales are brilliant if you are happy to shop in what can only be deemed as a jumble sale, but I am not one for rummaging through piles and piles of clothes to find a bargain.

  ‘So, you’d rather pay top price for something you might find on a sale rack?’ Lawrence asks.

  ‘Have you ever had a girlfriend before?’ I laugh. ‘Word of warning, don’t go shopping with a girl if you expect it to be a fast experience.’

  He smiles, but I can tell he really isn’t that fussed on following me around the shops in town.

  ‘I’ve had plenty of girlfriends, thank you very much.’ He smiles and kisses my cheek. ‘Are you one of those women who sees something in the first shop, tries it on, isn’t sure if you like it, then around four hours later, after trying on every dress ever created, goes back to the first thing and buys it?’

  I laugh. ‘While you traipse behind me rolling your eyes and agreeing to anything just so you can go to the pub for a beer? Yes, that’s me.’

  Lawrence had offered to take me shopping for my birthday. It was sweet of him and I was happy to oblige. Things had been a little rocky but, for the most part, he was kind and he loved me. And I loved him.

  I’m admiring a dress, sparkly and full of bright colours. It has my name written all over it. ‘What about this?’ I say, holding the hanger up so Lawrence can see it. I know he won’t like it. He often disregards the clothes I like and normally he finds something else which is classier. But it’s my birthday and I want sparkles and glam.

  He glances over it and nods but he doesn’t say anything, even though I know he has plenty to say about it. Of course he will.

  ‘So, what do you think?’ I press.

  ‘Hmm,’ he smiles. ‘It’s your birthday.’

  ‘I know you don’t like it, Lawrence, but, like you say, it’s my birthday and I want it.’

  ‘You’ll have men drooling all over you in that,’ he replies and his smile diminishes just a little.

  ‘Is that a bad thing?’ I laugh.

  ‘I suppose not.’ He stares at the dress and then me. ‘Why don’t you try it on?’

  ‘I was going to,’ I say. I know I’m being a little cheeky, but I can get away with it today.

  I take some other items in with me too. I’m standing in front of the mirror in the changing room and I pull the dress over my head, standing on my tiptoes to give my calves some shape. It accentuates my curves and the neckline is subtle but sexy.

  I open the curtain and stand in the aisle of
the changing rooms so that Lawrence can see me. I do a little twirl and smile at him.

  He gets up from the seat at the end of the changing room and walks towards me.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ I ask him.

  ‘You look amazing,’ he says and slides his arms around my waist, pulling me towards him. I feel his hot breath on my neck as he nuzzles in and I wriggle as he tickles my sides a little. ‘Honestly. Just stunning. But…’

  ‘Lawrence, I only have eyes for you,’ I say, reassuringly. I know he’s joking about the men drooling all over me thing, but I like to let him know I’m all his.

  He pulls me into the changing room and shuts the door, sliding the lock into place.

  ‘What are you doing?’ I ask.

  ‘Drooling.’ He smiles widely and pushes me up against the mirror.

  ‘As hot as that is,’ I pull a sarcastic expression, ‘we can’t do this here. It’s too—’

  ‘Public?’ Lawrence suggests as he kisses my neck. ‘Fine, I can wait. I’ll meet you out there.’

  Lawrence leaves the room and I shut the door. As much as I wanted him right now, I’m not one of those girls.

  I leave the changing room and head out to the shop floor to find Lawrence. When I do, he’s browsing the women’s dresses.

  ‘What about this?’ he says, producing a black dress. ‘It’s classy.’ He leaves the words hanging.

  ‘Lawrence, I’m not fifty,’ I say as I look at the dress he has picked out. I glance at him and see his expression fall a little. ‘Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice. It’s just that, I like this one.’

  ‘Fine,’ he says, hands in the air in defeat. He puts the dress back on the rack and heads towards the till area.

  Something in my stomach shifts a little, but I don’t know why. I sigh and turn to check out some shoes when I feel eyes on me. I glance over at a girl who has been standing beside the dress rack the entire time. She is looking at me with a frown.

  ‘I think it’s gorgeous,’ she says. ‘Definitely nicer than the black one.’

  ‘Thanks,’ I reply.

  Why would a random stranger just say that to me? I shrug it off and decide to pay for the dress.

  Just as I am about to move away, the girl starts to speak again. ‘Can I ask you something?’

  I nod.