What Happens in France Read online

‘Over the years, I’ve learnt more about the syndrome and I assist in helping the charity raise awareness of it. I couldn’t face standing up and telling people what I personally experienced but if I can help fund the charity, it will get the message out. Due to better sanitary conditions and the use of antibiotics to treat streptococcal infections and rheumatic fever, Sydenham’s chorea is uncommon nowadays in developed countries but it still exists, and more so in developing countries. I don’t want any other children to feel as awfully alone as I did. Contracting Sydenham’s chorea was not only a horrible illness to deal with but the consequences of having it changed my life for the worst. It was part of the reason Hannah ran away from home. She’s another reason – the real reason, I want to be on the show.’

  ‘Hang on. Didn’t you mention a sister at the audition?’

  ‘That’s right.’

  ‘Ah, now I understand. Oh shit. You must think I’m completely cold-hearted. I actually missed some of what you said because the woman who was sat next to me chose that moment to hiss in my ear and ask if she should mention her swearing parrot. I only caught bits of what you said. Now I remember I heard you say “sister” and then you talked about shoes.’

  She fumbled for a tissue in her pocket. Finding none, she sniffed noisily.

  ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be getting so emotional about it.’

  Lewis removed a box of tissues from a drawer and passed them to her. She pulled one out and blew her nose.

  ‘You don’t have to continue. I feel mean at not being more enthusiastic. You must have thought I didn’t want to partner you. I was only teasing you. If we can get on the show together I’ll be happy to go. If not, then I don’t want to do it and I’ll get on with my new client and cheer you from my armchair.’ He replaced his hand on one of hers. ‘We’ll arrange a Skype call and do our damnedest to get on the same team. How can I refuse? Besides, it’ll be entertaining and no doubt do us both good – I’ve not had the easiest time recently so it’ll be an excuse to go away and let off steam.’

  Bryony dabbed gently under her eyes. ‘Melinda told me about your break-up with Maxwell.’

  ‘In that case, I don’t need to drag up all the sordid and miserable details.’ He deftly changed the focus of their conversation. ‘Let’s both email the show’s producers and say we are tremendously excited about the prospect of heading to France even though we have no idea what to expect once we arrive. I suppose you need me for my excellent linguistic skills.’ He coughed then in a high-pitched tone said, ‘Je m’appelle Lewis et j’ai dix ans. Merci.’

  Bryony managed a weak smile. ‘I think you’d better leave the talking to me. Thank you.’

  ‘Hey, that’s what friends are for – handing out tissues, listening to troubles, making coffee and providing chocolate biscuits.’

  A rush of warmth pulsated through Bryony. ‘Thank you. You’re a terrific friend.’

  ‘I’d reserve judgment until we get back from France. You ’av not yet discovered ma fetish for zee saucisson and baguettes,’ he said in a terrible French accent, twirling an imaginary moustache.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  ‘Searching for Hannah’

  Dear Hannah,

  It’s happening. I’m going to be a contestant on What Happens in… Lewis wasn’t keen to take up his own offer to be on the show and needed a good reason for doing so. I really wanted him to come too, so I tried hard to convince him. Then, he wanted to know my reasons for doing the show and I explained about my childhood illness. He hadn’t heard of Sydenham’s chorea or St Vitus’ dance but was surprisingly compassionate when I told him about it. He assumed I wanted to be on the show purely to win the money for charity because he hadn’t heard me tell everyone at the audition about you. He was most upset he’d not been sympathetic towards me once he found out the true reason for me being on the show and was then adamant we should email the producers immediately and arrange a Skype call to convince them to put us in the same team. I firmly believe he really would be the best person for me to team up with. I can’t imagine being paired up with somebody else, like the Helen Mirren wannabe who sat next to me, or mad Tonya or any of the others at the audition. You know how I can suddenly lack self-belief and I need somebody like Lewis to keep me positive. I’d probably have been okay if it had been a game for individuals but working with a stranger is not something I’d find easy. I’d be much more relaxed with Lewis by my side. I hope the producer agrees or I’ll truly be thrown in the deep end and I don’t want to be partnered with somebody who loses me the chance to get through to the next round each day. I need to stay in the game as long as possible. I must be given the opportunity tell the nation about you. There’s little more to tell you at the moment, other than we’re filming in two weeks’ time and it’ll be aired fairly soon after that. With Anneka Rice hosting the show, I’m confident you’ll tune in. You have to watch the show, Hannah. You have to see me on it and you have to come back home. Dad is still confused and so unhappy. Every time I visit he thinks I am you. You have no idea how much we all want you home.

  Your loving sister,

  Bryony

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  FRIDAY, 14 JULY – EVENING

  ‘So, is everyone ready for this?’ asked Melinda, drawing the Renault people carrier into a space reserved for the female golf captain and screwing about in her seat to look at her friends.

  ‘Yes, ma’am!’ shouted Sean who was seated next to her, clicking his heels together and saluting.

  ‘Sean, you are a buffoon!’

  ‘Yes, ma’am. I am a buffoon. Happy to be your buffoon, ma’am!’

  Bryony looked out at the building that was the Bromley Golf Club clubhouse. It looked more like someone’s bungalow than a clubhouse. A taxi pulled up next to them and a man wearing old-fashioned plus fours and long, vibrant checked socks leapt out of it. A woman in a luminous green tank top, short red skirt and yellow visor tagged along behind him, dragging an old golf bag.

  Melinda’s parents had invited her and her friends last-minute to make up a table at a golf fancy dress event, which was the reason Bryony now pulled at the brightly checked jumper, part of her costume. She and Melinda had bought the outfits at a fancy dress shop in Derby that morning but there had not been a great deal of choice, and Bryony had been left with an outrageous wig and visor affair along with the jumper and a golfing skirt that showed off far more of her legs than she was comfortable with.

  ‘This has to be the most hideous jumper in the universe. Do these people actually wear jumpers like this?’

  ‘You don’t look as terrible as me,’ moaned Sean, whose jumper was various squares of luminous green, orange and yellow. He also wore non-matching checked trousers in shades of plum and red. ‘I look more like a clown than a golfer,’ he continued.

  Melinda gave him a stern look. ‘Perfect outfit for you, then.’

  ‘See that look, Lewis? Never mess about with a copper, ex or otherwise.’

  ‘Why?’

  Sean held up his ring finger. ‘You end up doing time.’ He guffawed loudly and Melinda hit him on the head lightly with her bright-pink checked visor. ‘Ow! Ex-police brutality! You’re both witnesses to it.’

  ‘I was not a copper,’ she said.

  Lewis plopped a plain flat cap onto his head. Bryony decided it suited him. He was the only one who did not look ridiculous; he even managed to look sexy in his checked shorts and polo shirt. Lewis spoke again. ‘Sean told me you both met when you were in the police force, Melinda.’

  ‘She pulled me for speeding and I pulled her,’ replied Sean before his wife could respond. Melinda groaned.

  ‘He always says that. I did not. I wasn’t even working with the traffic officers. I was office-bound at the time working in forensics. Sean came into the station to help identify some muggers who had attacked an old lady. He had fought them off single-handedly,’ she added. ‘He was very helpful and gave a clear description of the assailants. As he was about to leave, he asked abo
ut the old lady. He wanted to visit her in hospital to see how she was doing after the shock. I happened to overhear him asking which hospital she had been taken to. I thought he was like some sort of superhero.’

  Sean shrugged his shoulders. ‘Don’t big me up too much, Mel. Anyone would have helped.’

  Melinda ignored him and continued. ‘He spotted me and said hello then asked me out.’

  ‘Just like that?’ asked Lewis.

  ‘It was the flat black shoes and thick tights that did it, Lewis. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from them.’

  ‘Shut up, you silly thing! He was quite the charming gentleman, Lewis. I know that’s difficult to believe when you see him horse-playing now. He was humble too. He didn’t go for the usual crass chat-up lines. He scratched his chin and looked at me with his baby-blue eyes then coughed nervously and said, ‘I don’t suppose a clever lady like you would consider going to visit an elderly lady in hospital with a rough, scallywag electrician, would you?’ I thought, Why not? And here we are, six years later.’

  ‘That’s very romantic.’

  ‘Nah, I like a challenge. It’s always good to punch above your weight. I was surprised when she agreed. More shocked still when she agreed to marry me. Still in shock that she cuffs me to bed every night and brandishes her rubber truncheon.’

  ‘That’ll do, Sean. For the record, I do not cuff him or brandish a rubber truncheon,’ she announced.

  Sean mouthed, She does, behind her back.

  ‘That’s enough about us. How did your Skype interview go earlier?’

  Bryony’s face lit up. ‘We chatted about ourselves much like we did for the audition for What Happens in...’

  Lewis joined in. ‘Laura wanted us to explain how we met and if we thought we’d get on okay doing a treasure hunt. She asked which one of us was the bossiest and who spoke French. I told them I’d do whatever Bryony ordered me to do unless it was in French. Then I wouldn’t be able to understand a word.’

  ‘Lewis asked if we got sniffer dogs or a metal detector to help us locate the treasure,’ continued Bryony, her cheeks dimpling at the memory. ‘Poor Laura thought he was being serious and began to explain we would have to use clues and maps, then saw us trying not to snigger. She then told us we’d make a perfect team. We misbehaved a little but Laura seemed to like us being exuberant.’

  ‘Of course, she did. We just have to wait and see if we did enough to convince her to pair us up because if I end up with somebody like that purple-haired girl, I’m getting on the first flight back home,’ said Lewis.

  Bryony grinned. ‘We should receive the travel details later tonight or at latest tomorrow morning by email. Laura had a few other interviews to carry out, then she had to meet with the show’s other producers and sort out final arrangements.’

  ‘I think Bryony will swing it for us. She aced the French test. Laura asked all sorts of questions. It was gobbledygook to me so I gave her my best Gallic shrug and declared I was a dunce as far as the lingo is concerned and that was why I needed to be on Bryony’s side.’

  ‘They were only simple phrases, directions and so on. I think Lewis won her over completely. He impressed her with his family history. She asked why we wanted to be on the show together and Lewis told her about his love of all things French and passion for owning a vineyard, and then told her he’d always been a quizzing sort of person. His father, who’s a retired scientist, used to make up clues for crossword puzzles for newspapers, and Lewis here sometimes helped him!’

  ‘I had to trump you. How many contestants are modern language lecturers with degrees from Cambridge? And I bet no one else is a flipping member of MENSA! It took five minutes for me to drag my jaw back off the floor after that revelation.’

  ‘Our Bryony may look dumb but she certainly isn’t,’ declared Sean, earning another thump on the arm from Melinda. ‘Don’t ever let her challenge you to a game of Trivial Pursuit. I swear she’s memorized every card and answer in the box.’

  ‘It comes from playing lots of games as a child,’ she answered in a dismissive tone. She did not want to think about the happy afternoons playing with Hannah, her mother and father.

  ‘I had a misspent youth – I wasted evenings riding about on my bike with a gang of no-hopers before hanging about outside shops trying to blag I was old enough to buy a few tins of beer. If I’d made more effort at school, I might have beaten Bryony at Scrabble last time we played.n It would also have helped if you’d let me play the words ‘wotcha’ and ‘numbnuts’. Then I might have stood a chance,’ said Sean to Melinda, who shook her head.

  ‘Dream on, Sean. I’ve known Bryony since I was eight and I’ve never yet won a game of Scrabble against her.’

  Lewis gave Bryony a steady gaze. She felt a warm stirring in her stomach. He smiled at her and announced, ‘I reckon I could take down Brainy Bryony. I’m willing to brave it. I’m an ace Scrabble player. I have had lots of practice online. I sometimes play people all over the world.’

  ‘Bring it on, Lewis,’ Bryony replied, smiling at her new nickname. ‘Playing the game for real is much tougher than playing the online version.’

  ‘Now that’s a proper challenge. You’re on.’

  Melinda opened the driver’s door. Her parents were pulling into the car park. ‘They’re here. Time to go.’ She waved at her folks.

  Bryony checked her wig and golf cap in the mirror, pulled at the ridiculous jumper. Lewis picked up his golf club and gave it a mock swing.

  ‘I don’t think I’d ever get the hang of golf. It seems to involve a lot of walking and grumbling about missing your shot. I prefer running. It’s easier. And you don’t have to wear strange jumpers.’

  * * *

  The event was going well. Bryony, sat between Lewis and Melinda’s father, Graham, was enjoying the banter and light-hearted conversation around the table. Melinda’s father had entertained the entire table with golfing tales, and while they ate, drank and chatted across the table to each other, magicians had appeared and made cards mysteriously disappear only to reappear in odd places like under Bryony’s plate.

  The plates had now been taken away. The DJ was setting up. Soon they would all be jigging about on the dance floor. The golf captain rose and, tapping the microphone, welcomed them all.

  ‘It’s a little late in the proceedings but I hope you’ve all had a great time. Thanks to all the boys and girls who have been performing tricks at our tables while we ate. I’d like to ask, can I have my watch and wallet back now please?’ The guests tittered politely.

  ‘Before we start the dancing, I’d like to thank the caterers for the splendid meal.’ Applause rang out. ‘Thank you for coming along tonight and for making such wonderful efforts with your costumes. I’d love to see you lot playing on our course in these outfits on a regular basis!’

  More laughs filled the room.

  ‘Tonight, instead of the committee choosing the best fancy dress, we’re going to do something a little different. Each table is going to nominate a “him and her” to come forward to do a beauty pageant and catwalk challenge, and you’ll decide the winning couple.’ A buzz filled the room. ‘Come on, send up your contestants. The winners will take back a magnum of champagne for their table.’

  Melinda shrugged her shoulders. ‘I’m not going up.’

  Sean shook his head. ‘Me neither. I look far too ridiculous.’

  ‘I can barely stand up, let alone do a walk on stage and twirl about. I’ll fall over. Too much gin,’ said Graham.

  Bryony grabbed Lewis’s hand. ‘Come on, Lewis. We’ll go and show these folk how to do it and bring them back a prize.’

  ‘Go Bryony!’ shouted Graham enthusiastically.

  Bryony and a reluctant Lewis joined others on the stage. Lewis gave her a look of concern. ‘I can’t do this. There are so many people watching me.’

  Bryony levelled her gaze at him. ‘It’s simple. Ever seen the film Zoolander?’

  ‘That was the very funny film about male
models. I’ve seen it.’

  ‘Right, this is the plan. Think of Ben Stiller in that film and walk like he did, do a dramatic shoulder shrug at the end of your walk, adopt a hand on hip pose and then pout dramatically.’

  ‘Pout? At these people?’

  ‘Pout at Sean. Ignore everyone else here. You don’t know them and they won’t remember you after tonight anyway. Just pretend you are fooling about with Sean. Pout directly at him and make him laugh. We’ll go on together. I’ll be doing the same moves as you.’

  ‘How can you do this? You’re so calm. You’re about to make a fool of yourself in front of a room full of strangers.’

  ‘I’m a teacher. We’re great actors. We act every day in front of unruly children. How else could we enthuse them to learn anything? The man who played Mr T in the original series of The A-Team was a teacher before he became an actor. In fact, some teachers become excellent comedians. Look at Greg Davies and Romesh Ranganathan. They were both teachers before they turned to stand-up. This will be a piece of cake. You only have to pretend to be someone you aren’t. I do it all the time. You are no longer Lewis Scott. You are Ben Stiller performing the ‘dance-off’ scene with Owen Wilson and you’re going to make Sean fall out of his chair laughing.’

  The first two couples had already walked along the stage, showed off their attire and answered a couple of questions from the golf captain. It was now time for Bryony and Lewis. The DJ played the song ‘I’m Too Sexy’. Bryony laughed and counted Lewis in. ‘Ben Stiller… ready… three… two… one…’

  They set off at exactly the same time, paced down the stage with exaggerated struts, heads high, then perfected a body swing to the right and struck a pose, both pouting memorably. The audience applauded. Sean wolf-whistled.

  ‘You seem to have a following already,’ said the golf captain, holding the microphone in front of Bryony.

  ‘Thank you, everyone.’

  ‘Now, tell me about your outfits.’