The Front Runner Read online

  With Vince and Billy working on it, the gay studies program grew into a counseling service that was the first of its kind on an American campus. Back in 1971 and 1972, a few tiny programs like this had sprung up at big universities, as well as administra­tion-condoned "gay lounges" where the boys could meet, talk and be themselves. But our program at Prescott was something unique, and it grew out of athletics.

  The two new gay runners were very gifted and very messed up mentally. One of them was UCLA two-miler Tom Harrigan, and the other I can't name be­cause he never came out. We had a really difficult time with those two boys.

  I was always mortally afraid of the track team split­ting up into the "gay squad" and the "straight squad," with no communication or cooperation between the two. This would happen, I knew, if we started paying too much attention to the gay thing in front of the straight boys. They would start feeling crowded psychologi­cally, feeling put on. They would start grumbling that the gays were taking over, and that all this had nothing to do with running.

  So we solved this problem by establishing a rule that sex preferences were not to be mentioned at track prac­tice, in the dressing room or anywhere else where the team was as a group. Only in my house on Mondays and Thursdays did we mention these things. And we mentioned them only in a bigger context that could be called "The Athlete and Society."

  As the boys sat in front of my fire munching carrot sticks, we had open forum on feelings and hang-ups— any that were related to running and society. We spent a lot of time discussing the whole masculine mystique of the athlete. So timewise, we probably talked about gay problems only thirty percent of the time. The straight boys slowly learned to understand and respect the gay view of the world, and to understand the gay anguish. My heart used to hurt for Tom as he sat there struggling to come out with his feelings, fearful that he would be judged and punished. But when he finally did, he learned that the straights weren't always as smug as they seemed.

  Vince and Billy were always at these open forums, sitting in, and Jacques came whenever he could. Vince was the great talker, and good at helping me direct the discussion. Jacques was a genius of the mind-provok­ing gag. Billy was less of a manipulator, but it was always to him that the boys turned when they had some­thing to confide that they hesitated to tell me because I was older.

  We finally decided that, one night a week, we would throw this forum open to the girls' team, and to anyone else on campus who wanted to attend. Quite a number of people did. It got so you couldn't shoehorn another person into my house on Thursday nights, and I thanked God that the head gardener had opted for a big living room. I needed a whole crew for KP after­wards.

  One of the most startling newcomers to the forum was a little half-miler from the girls' team, Betsy He-den. She was about five foot two, with shorty wavy hair and big astonished long-lashed eyes a la Bette Midler, and she was the only militant lesbian on cam­pus. She started coming, I think, to stir up conflicts, and she and Vince would sit there and smart-ass each other till the rest of us had to quiet them down.

  But Billy took her on. There were evenings when the whole crowded living room would be silent and rapt as the two of them went at it. Betsy was the demagogue, waving her fist, jabbing her finger. Billy countered her with Buddhist nonviolence, putting out his simple ob­servations in his quiet way, unruffled, sunny, always compassionate to her point of view. They fought their way through the whole verbal battle of male-female hos­tilities.

  One night he finally forced her to admit, "It's true. I don't want you. But I feel, that you reject me."

  Everybody laughed. The whole room just broke up.

  She and Billy ended up by becoming close friends.

  Vince would kid me, "Harlan, aren't you worried about this?" He would see Betsy hitching a ride across campus on Billy's bike, or Billy dropping by girls' track practice to give her a few pointers on half-miling that he'd picked up from Jacques. They could even be seen dancing together in the canteen. "Harlan, aren't you jealous?"

  I used to laugh at Vince. Those two kids would no more investigate each other's bodies than they would put their hands in a fire.

  But I found myself jealous of Tom Harrigan. The minute he landed on campus, he made a heavy cruise in Billy's direction, just to see if it would succeed. Billy rejected him, but Tom seemed to stay interested.

  The gay program and open forum ended up growing into a counseling service available to students from any other campus. Joe Prescott brought in a top young psychotherapist, David Silver, whose aim was to help gay students adjust rather than attempt forcible "cures." We advertised in campus publications across the country.

  In particular, athletes were welcome to our service. Here we were open not only to students, but to men and women in amateur open and pro competition. The strictest confidentiality was maintained. And gay athletes did come to us, nearly all of them in the dark of the night. If I could name names, I would include a list here that would not be very long, but would astound for the range of ages and sports that it covered.

  We also had a gay switchboard. It was open from six p.m. to midnight and two of the boys were always on phone duty.

  I can still hear Billy picking up the phone in his dorm room and saying, "Gay Prescott." At first he was a little nervous, dealing anonymously in this way with strangers' problems. But with some pointers from Silver, he finally relaxed, and was able to pour his com­passion into the telephone.

  On October 7, I went into New York for the Mon­day trackwriters' lunch at Mamma Leone's.

  I hadn't been to one of these lunches since before leaving Penn State. Even after coming to Prescott, even after starting to coach my three star runners, I had stayed away, because I didn't feel confident enough. But this fall, I felt mentally ready for it. I had a whole bunch of good runners to do PR for, and I wanted to announce that Prescott would be holding its own first college cross-country meet on campus in late Octo­ber. What could be more simple?

  Mamma Leone's looks a little like the Baths of Cara-calla, with gloomy arches and Roman busts everywhere, offset by the many tables with red-checked tablecloths.

  About fifty people were there, mostly coaches and re­porters, and they were putting away lasagna and spa­ghetti with clam sauce and many martinis and beers. They were all listening to coach after coach get up to the microphone and give news about his team or his upcoming meet and try to make it sound so compelling that the newspapers would write it up. The air was so full of cigarette smoke that my eyes watered, and the reporters were scribbing notes and asking questions. Only a single woman was present, a reporter. It was a very male, very conservative, very businesslike at­mosphere.

  I was sitting at a side table with Bruce Cayton, who had left the Post and was now freelancing, and with Aldo Franconi. Aldo was an old friend, one of the few who stayed on speaking terms with me during the dark days after Penn. He was coach of a Long Island team, head of the metropolitan AAU track and field committee, and one of twenty-five members of the exec­utive committee of the U.S. Olympic Committee. Aldo was one of those gruff, paunchy guys who is the salt of the earth of track, and devotes his entire life to it.

  Both of these old friends of mine were curiously subdued. I did my best to make conversation. As we were waiting for my turn at the mike, I said, "I notice a few more people are speaking to me these days. Just a few."

  Aldo looked at me strangely for a moment. "They're jealous," he finally said. "None of them have gold-medal prospects like Matti or Sive on their teams."

  I tried hard with Bruce. "Bruce," I said, "you didn't have much effect at the Post. They don't run any more track news than they used to."

  "The Post is interested only in four-legged runners," said Bruce, swallowing a martini whole.

  When I went up to the mike, I suddenly felt nervous. I was going into battle and they were going to shoot real bullets at me. I was a Marine making my first land­ing. The fifty faces, in the blue air, amid the glowering arches and the Rom
an busts, seemed hostile. I told my­self I was imagining things.

  I managed to give them my little spiel. I told them about my influx of class runners. I told them that Prescott would be a team to watch that year, that we were very strong on paper and that we planned to go to all the NCAA meets and burn everybody. I told them about our upcoming cross-country meet and urged the reporters to turn out in full force to cover it.

  A last-minute rush of nervousness overcame me, and I didn't say anything specific about my three gay super­stars and how their training was coming along.

  The restaurant was silent.

  "Any questions?" I asked.

  Another silence. Finally one coach said, "You say you're going to have a girls' event at this meet?"

  "That's right. A two-miler. We've got a strong girls' team now, and we're willing to put them up against anybody."

  "You going in for women's lib?" somebody else cracked in a gravelly voice.

  Everybody howled with laughter. There was, or so I thought, an undertone of malice in this laughter. I told myself that I was becoming a paranoid, and that this wouldn't do.

  When the laughter died, I smiled my best, small, Parris Island smile and said, "I'm for equal rights for everybody. Any other questions?"

  A silence that got longer and longer. Smoke curled up from cigarettes held in strong, thick fingers.

  Finally, from the back of the room, the reporter from the Daily News said, "What about Billy Sive?"

  The silence again. Heads turned toward the re­porter, then back to me. Somehow, the way the question was phrased, it could mean anything. I knew he'd done it deliberately. Under ordinary circumstances, a good reporter doesn't ask such a goddamn vague question.

  "What do you want to know?" I said.

  "Well, what about his progress?"

  "Billy's coming along fine." It took all my self-control to keep my voice steady. "He's on the same type of program that he's been on since he came to Prescott. I thought this high-mileage stuff was crazy for him, and I've got him doing 100-110 miles a week, with emphasis on quality and strength-building. This pro­gram was what gave him all his success in Europe. If he continues to develop the way he has, we're hopeful that he'll make the Olympic team."

  Another voice chimed in. "What about Vince Matti and Jacques LaFont?" Was this a conspiracy?

  "Both of them have had setbacks," I said. "Vince, as you know, is very injury-prone. He injured his knee again about a week ago. Jacques is having some ham­string problems. If I can keep Vince in one piece till the Olympics, then we're going to have a very strong contender in the 1,500. The same goes for Jacques in the 800 meter."

  When I sat down again, I actually felt a little weak in the legs.

  Men were leaving already. Empty tables were lit­tered with cigarette ashes, mimeographed literature, dishes with tomato sauce on them, glasses with melt­ing ice cubes in them, half-full coffee cups. Bruce and Aldo looked very gloomy.

  I sipped at the last of my 7-Up, which had gone warm and flat while I was up at the mike. "They were kinda hostile," I said.

  Bruce and Aldo looked at each other. Finally Aldo said, "Look, Harlan, are you a total innocent or what?"

  "Huh?" I said.

  "Listen," said Aldo, "I know you're a brave guy, and it took guts to get up there and face them. But you oughta know there's only so far you can go."

  I was getting a little irritated. "I don't know what the hell you're talking about. Sooner or later I have to be able to lead a normal life. If I can't get up there and talk about my team, I might as well chuck it all and go live on a desert island."

  "You must be completely naive," said Aldo. "Do you want me to fill you in? Can I be totally frank?"

  "Sure," I said.

  "If you go to that desert island," said Aldo, looking me straight in the eyes, "you'll be taking Billy Sive with you. Won't you?"

  He put it just like that, brutally. Bruce heaved a heavy, gloomy sigh.

  For a moment I thought I was going to lose my tem­per and break one of those marble busts in half over Aldo's bald head.

  "What if I did?" I said. "I don't think it's any­body's business."

  "You're wrong," said Aldo. "It's everybody's busi­ness, whether you like it or not. They're making it their business, is why. I can't think of anything in track right now that would get people more stirred up. The very idea touches a big, fat, throbbing nerve."

  "All right, it's their business. So what? What does it have to do with running?"

  "It has everything to do with that," said Aldo vehe­mently. "Harlan, you and Billy are damn fools. I'm sorry to put it that way, but it's the truth. I admire you both, so you've got to know the truth. You've destroyed Billy's chances of going to Montreal." He made an Italian-type cutting gesture with his hands. "Finito."

  "Who's going to stop him?" I said.

  "At the last USOC executive meeting, that was all they talked about. The Billy Sive case, they call it. At the last met AAU meeting, ditto. I heard certain people say it with my own ears. There's no way that boy is going to Montreal. There's no way Matti or LaFont are going either. These guys are going to do everything they can to stop them."

  "They're so greedy for medals," I said. "They'd pimp their own grandmother for gold medals."

  "Not where something like this is concerned. They're perfectly willing to cut off their noses to spite their faces."

  We sat silent. Bruce was morosely playing with pieces of drying-up Italian bread on the tablecloth. Nearly everybody had left, and the waiters were taking down the mike. At the bar outside, a few lingered—we could hear them laughing uproariously.

  "Harlan," said Aldo, "I don't like to ask you, but is it true, about you and Billy?"

  "Of course it's true." I was so mad that I could say it, finally.

  Bruce and Aldo both studied my face. "You must be out of your mind," said Aldo softly.

  "I was, for a while there. I fought my feelings for him for four months. It wasn't doing either of us any good. I finally decided that society has no right to deny me a mate. They all have mates. You guys have mates. Animals have mates. Even the goddamn bacteria have mates. Why should I be alone?"

  "Has either of you ever thought of seeing a psychia­trist?" asked Bruce.

  "You guys don't read the papers. The psychiatrists are starting to come around. A lot of them don't think it's a mental illness any longer. They look at it as an alternative."

  Aldo snorted. "Go tell that to Mr. Track Fan. He pays his five bucks to see the pure red-blooded Amer­ican boy run the mile. He doesn't pay it to see no fairies."

  "Have you had any reaction from Billy's parents?" asked Bruce. "They must be furious."

  "The kid's father is gay," Aldo said. "They all know that too."

  "Jesus," muttered Bruce. The idea of a gay father was totally new to him.

  "And Billy's father approves, if you want to know," I said.

  They were silent for a moment. Then Aldo said, "Then the thing at Penn State . . . you gotta pardon me for bringing it up ... but you must have been guilty."

  "No, I wasn't," I said.

  "Well, they don't know that." Aldo waved his hand at the empty restaurant, conjuring up the men who'd just left. "Their imaginations are just running wild.

  They're wondering how many teams you've slept your way through."

  "The only athlete I ever slept with is Billy. But I suppose they won't believe that either."

  Was it possible that I was saying these things? Right over this restaurant table? Was it possible that strangers would dare to sermonize to me about my right to love someone?

  "No, they certainly won't," said Aldo. "For in­stance . . ." He started getting all steamed up again. "What really set everybody off was the four of you traveling around Europe together. They just assume, that you're carrying on with all three of them."

  "Did it ever occur to them that maybe Billy and I don't merely go to bed together? That we love each other?" I was really getting mad
now. "That neither of us wants anybody else? Do they know so little about human nature?"

  "You're the one's a dummy about human nature," said Aldo. "They want to think the worst. And then when you got back, that thing in Time about that party you were at. To them that was the last straw. They all know about Steve Goodnight, and that he writes dirty books about boys. The fact that you and Billy had the chutzpah to appear in public in this guy's company, it was just too much."

  "There were a whole lot of straight celebrities at that party, and a lot of society people."

  "That's not the point, and you know it."

  "Steve's book isn't dirty. It's a work of art."

  "What do you know about art?" said Aldo. "You don't know the Mona Lisa from a Marlboro ad."

  "I don't know about art. But I know about love. Steve is writing about love in that book."

  Aldo shook his head uncomprehendingly. "Harlan, you're beyond me. You're really a changed man."

  "I am," I said. "And I'll tell you something else. And you can take it back and tell them. They are not going to stop Billy and Vince and Jacques from going to Montreal. In particular, they are not going to stop Billy. I will fight them every step of the way. The kid's father is one of the best civil-rights lawyers in the country. That means that if we have to fight them right up to the Supreme Court or something, we'll do that."

  We were now alone in the restaurant. The waiters were clearing up, rattling dishes, looking at us, wishing we'd leave.

  Aldo was looking at me searchingly. "Harlan, you're a brave, beautiful, Irish fool. You'll be all over the newspapers. You'll be roasted alive."

  "I mean it," I said. "Billy and I are fighting for our lives. Nobody is going to take him away from me. He's all I have, Aldo."

  "Christ," said Aldo, looking away. The heat of my feeling was beginning to impress him.

  "Look," I said, "are they all enemies on the USOC?"

  "No," said Aldo. "Not all of them. Most of them are. There's a few, like me, like most of the seven athletes' representatives, who feel that an athlete's private life is not the business of the AAU and the USOC. And I do believe that, Harlan."