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  This was, of course, a Good Thing for the Scots because it was the cause of William the Wallace (not to be confused with Robert Bruce), who immediately defeated the English at Cambuskenneth (Scotch for Stirling) and invaded England with ferocious savagery. In answer to this Edward captured the Bruce and had him horribly executed with savage ferocity. Soon after, Edward died of suffocation at a place called Burrowin-the-Sands and was succeeded by his worthless son Edward II.

  CHAPTER 23

  Edward II: A Worthless King

  EDWARD II had a wave of favourites or hangers-on at Court, of whom the worst were the Suspenders and the Peers Gaveston. There were two memorable Suspenders, the Old Suspender and the Young Suspender, and they were Edward's reply to the continual applications of the Barons for a confirmation of all the charters and garters of the Realm. But even Edward II's worthless character cannot alone explain.

  The Battle of Bannockburn

  The Scots were now under the leadership of the Bruce (not to be confused with the Wallace), who, doubtful whether he had slain the Red Comyn or not, armed himself with an enormous spider and marched against the English, determined if possible to win back the Great Scone by beating the English three times running.

  The fact that the English were defeated has so confused Historians that many false theories are prevalent about the Bannockburn Campaign. What actually happened is quite clear from the sketch map shown above. The causes of the English defeat were all unfair and were:

  1. The Pits. Every time the Wallace saw some English Knights charging at him he quickly dug one of these unnatural hazards into which the English Knights, who had been taught to ride straight, galloped with flying colours.

  2. Superior numbers of the English (four to one). Accustomed to fight against heavy odds the English were uneasy, and when the Scots were unexpectedly reinforced by a large body of butlers with camp stools the English soldiers mistook them for a fresh army of Englishmen and retreated in disgust.

  3. Foul riding by Scottish Knights. This was typified even before the battle during an exhibition combat between the Brace and the English Champion, Baron Henry le Bohunk, when Brace, mounted on a Shetland pony, galloped underneath the Baron and, coming up unexpectedly on the blind side, struck him a foul blow behind and maced him up for life.

  Memorable Screams of Edward II

  Edward II was so weak that he kept banishing his favourites and then unbanishing them again. The Barons therefore became so impatient that they deposed Edward without even wailing to arrange for any false claimants to the throne. Thus Edward III became King.

  Shortly afterwards HORRIBLE SCREAMS were heard issuing from the Berkeley where Edward II was imprisoned and the next day he was horribly dead. But since not even the Barons would confess to having horribly murdered him, it is just possible that Edward had merely been dying of a surfeit in the ordinary way.

  CHAPTER 24

  Edward III: A Romantic King

  EDWARD III had a very romantic reign which he began by confining his mother in a stronghold for the rest of her life, and inventing a law called the Gallic Law according to which he was King of France, and could therefore make war on it whenever he felt inclined.

  In order to placate Edward, the French King sent him a box of new tennis balls. When the parcel was opened the Prince of Wales, who was present, mottoed to himself memorably (in Bohemian) `Ich Dien', which means `My serve', and immediately invaded France with an army of archers. This prince was the memorable All-Black Prince, and the war was called the Hundred Years? War, because the troops signed on for a hundred years or the duration.

  The Battle of Cresy

  This decisive battle of the world was fought during a total eclipçe of the sun and naturally ended in a complete victory for the All-Black Prince, who very romantically `won his Spurs'(*) by slaughtering onethird of the French nobility.

  (*)His father the King had betted him a pair of hotspurs that he could not do this.

  The Six Burglars of Calais

  Edward III then laid siege to Calais in order to be ready to return to England if necessary, and on the capitulation of the town ordered the six richest citizens to come forth with halters round their necks and wearing only their shorts, and to surrender all the keys in the city. The inhabitants therefore at once appointed the six chief burglars of Calais and Edward agreed with this, romantically commanding that they should be put to death as soon as they came in. His Queen, however, pointed out what a much more romantic thing it would be to pardon them and make them barons in the Exchequer. Edward therefore pardoned them in spite of his private feelings that the original plan was more romantic still.

  After this Edward had all the wool in England kept in a stable at Calais instead of in a sack in the House of Commons; this was a Bad Thing, as it was the beginning of Political Economy.

  Wyclif and the Dullards

  During this reign the memorable preacher Wyclif collected together a curious set of men known as the Lollards or Dullards, because they insisted on walking about with their tongues hanging out and because they were so stupid that they could not do the Bible in Latin and demanded that everyone should be allowed to use an English translation. They were thus heretics and were accordingly unpopular with the top men in the Church who were very good at Latin and who liked to see some Dullards burnt before every meal. Hence the memorable grace `De Heretico Comburendo, Amen', known as the Pilgrim's Grace.

  Royal Tact

  Edward III had very good manners. One day at a royal dance he noticed some men-about-court mocking a lady whose gaiter had come off, whereupon to put her at her ease he stopped the dance and made the memorable epitaph: `Honi soie qui mal y pense' (`Honey, your silk stocking's hanging down') and having replaced the garter with a romantic gesture gave the ill-mannered courtiers the Order of the Bath. (This was an extreme form of torture in the Middle Ages.)

  CHAPTER 25

  Richard II: An Unbalanced King

  RICHARD II was only a boy at his accession: one day, however, suspecting that he was now twenty-one, he asked his uncle and, on learning that he was, mounted the throne himself and tried first being a Good King and then being a Bad King, without enjoying either very much: then, being told that he was unbalanced, he got off the throne again in despair, exclaiming gloomily: `For God's sake let me sit on the ground and tell bad stories about cabbages and things.' Whereupon his cousin Lancaster (spelt Bolingbroke) quickly mounted the throne and said he was Henry IV Part I.

  Richard was thus abdicated and was led to the Tower and subsequently to Pontefract Castle where he died of mysterious circumstances, probably a surfeit of Pumfreys (spelt Pontefracts).

  APPENDIX

  The Pheasants Revolt

  They did this in several reigns under such memorable leaders as Black Kat, Straw Hat, John Bull, and What Tyler.

  I. Objects: (a) to obtain a free pardon for having revolted. (b) to find out which was the gentleman when Adam delved and Eve span. (The answer was, of course, Adam, but the mystics of the Church had concealed this dangerous knowledge.) (c) to find out who was King and which of them was the Leader of the Rebellion. (d) to abolish the Villein.

  The Pheasants' Revolts were therefore purely educational movements and were thus easily suppressed.

  II. How Quelled: (a) the Pheasants were met at Smithfield by the King who (b) riding forward alone on a white horse answered object (c) by announcing (I) `I am your King', and (II) `I will be your leader'. (c) the real leader was then slain quickly by one of the Barons. (d) a free pardon was granted to the Pheasants [see object (a)]. (e) all were then put to death on the ground that they were Villeins [see object (d)].

  These Revolts were thus clearly romantic episodes, and a Good Thing, and the clergy were enabled to prevent the pheasants finding out the answer to object (b).

  CHAPTER 26

  Henry IV: A Split King

  WHEN Henry IV Part I came to the throne the Barons immediately flung their gloves on the floor in order to p
rove

  1. That Richard II was not yet dead

  2. That Henry had murdered him.

  Henry very gallantly replied to this challenge by exhibiting Richard II's head in St Paul's Cathedral, thus proving that he was innocent. Finding, however, that he was not memorable, he very patriotically abdicated in favour of Henry IV Part II.

  Renewed Educational Ferment

  Even Henry IV Part II, however, is only memorable for having passed some interesting laws against his Old Retainers, i.e. butlers and sutlers, who had irritated him by demanding Liveries, requiring too much Maintenance, etc. He also captured the Scottish Prince James and, while keeping him as a sausage, had him carefully educated for nineteen years; finding, however, that James was still Scotch, Henry IV Part II lost interest in education and died.

  CHAPTER 27

  Henry V: An Ideal King

  ON the death of Henry IV Part II, his son, Prince Hal, who had won all English hearts by his youthful pranks (such as trying on the crown while his father lay dying, and hitting a very old man called Judge Gascoigne) determined to justify public expectation by becoming the Ideal English King. He therefore decided on an immediate appearance in the Hundred Years' War, making a declaration that all the treaties with France were to be regarded as dull and void.

  Conditions in France were favourable to Henry since the French King, being mad, had entrusted the government of the country to a dolphin and the command of the army to an elderly constable. After capturing some breeches at Harfleur (more than once) by the original expedients of disguising his friends as imitation tigers, stiffening their sinews, etc., Henry was held up on the road to Calais by the constable, whom he defeated at the utterably memorable battle of AGINCOURT (French POICTIERS). He then displaced the dolphin as ruler of Anjou, Menjou, Poilou, Maine, Touraine, Againe, and Againe, and realizing that he was now too famous to live long expired at the ideal moment.

  CHAPTER 28

  Henry VI: A Very Small King

  THE next King, Henry VI, was only one year old and was thus rather a Weak King; indeed the Barons declared that he was quite numb and vague. When he grew up, however, he was such a Good Man that he was considered a Saint, or alternatively (especially by the Barons) an imbecile.

  Joan of Ark

  During this reign the Hundred Years' War was brought to an end by Joan of Ark, a French descendant of Noah who after hearing Angel voices singing Do Ré Mi became inspired, thus unfairly defeating the English in several battles. Indeed, she might even have made France top nation if the Church had not decided that she would make an exceptionally memorable martyr. Thus Joan of Ark was a Good Thing in the end and is now the only memorable French saint.

  The Wars of the Roses

  Noticing suddenly that the Middle Ages were coming to an end, the Barons now made a stupendous effort to revive the old Feudal amenities of Sackage, Carnage, and Wreckage and so stave off the Tudors for a time. They achieved this by a very clever plan, known as the Wars of the Roses (because the Barons all picked different coloured roses in order to see which side they were on).

  Warwick the Kingmaker

  One of the rules in the Wars of the Roses was that nobody was ever really King but that Edmund Mortimer really ought to be: any Baron who wished to be considered King was allowed to apply at Warwick the Kingmaker's, where he was made to fill up a form, answering the following questions:

  1. Are you a good plain crook?

  2. Are you Edmund Mortimer? If not, have you got him?

  3. Have you ever been King before? If so, state how many times; also whether deposed, beheaded, or died of surfeit.

  4. Are you insane? If so, state whether permanently or only temporarily.

  5. Are you prepared to marry Margaret of Angoulme? If Isabella of Hainault preferred, give reasons. (Candidates are advised not to attempt both ladies.)

  6. Have you had the Black Death?

  7. What have you done with your mother? (If Nun, write None.)

  8. Do you intend to be I (a) a Good King. (b) a Bad King. (c) a Weak King. II (a) a Good Man. (b) a Bad Man. (Candidates must not attempt more than one in each section.)

  9. How do you propose to die? (Write your answer in BLOCK CAPITALS.)

  CHAPTER 29

  Cause of the Tudors

  DURING the Wars of the Roses the Kings became less and less memorable (sometimes even getting in the wrong order) until at last one of them was nothing but some little princes smothered in the Tower, and another, finding that his name was Clarence, had himself drowned in a spot of Malmsey wine; while the last of all even attempted to give his Kingdom to a horse. It was therefore decided, since the Stuarts were not ready yet, to have some Welsh Kings called Tudors (on account of their descent from Owen Glendower) who, it was hoped, would be more memorable.

  The first of these Welsh Kings was Henry VII, who defeated all other Kings at the Battle of Boswell Field and took away their roses. After the battle the crown was found hanging up in a hawthorn tree on top of a hill. This is memorable as being the only occasion on which the crown has been found after a battle hanging up in a hawthorn tree on top of a hill.

  Henry VII's Statecraft

  Henry VII was a miser and very good at statecraft; he invented some extremely clever policies such as the one called Morton's Fork. This was an enormous prong with which his minister Morton visited the rich citizens (or burghlers as they were called). If the citizen said he was poor, Morton drove his Fork in a certain distance and promised not to take it out until the citizen paid a large sum of money to the King. As soon as this was forthcoming Morton dismissed him, at the same time shouting 'Fork Out' so that Henry would know the statecraft had been successful. If the burghler said he was quite rich Morton did the same thing: it was thus a very clever policy and always succeeded except when Morton put the Fork in too far.

  CHAPTER 30

  Lambert Simnel and Perkin Warbeck

  ENGLISH History has always been subject to Waves of Pretenders. These have usually come in small waves of about two an Old Pretender and a Young Pretender, their object being to sow dissension in the realm, and if possible to contuse the Royal issue by pretending to be heirs to the throne.

  Two Pretenders who now arose were Lambert Simnel and Perkin Warbeck, and they succeeded in confusing the issue absolutely by being so similar that some historians suggest they were really the same person (i.e. the Earl of Warbeck).

  Lambert Simnel (the Young Pretender) was really (probably) himself, but cleverly pretended to be the Earl of Warbeck. Henry VII therefore ordered him to be led through the streets of London to prove that he really was.

  Perkin Warbeck (the Older and more confusing Pretender) insisted that he was himself, thus causing complete dissension till Henry VII had him led through the streets of London to prove that he was really Lambert Simnel.

  The punishment of these memorable Pretenders was justly similar, since Perkin Warmnel was compelled to become a blot on the King's skitchen, while Perbeck was made an escullion. Wimneck, however, subsequently began pretending again. This time he pretended that he had been smothered in early youth and buried under a stair-rod while pretending to be one of the Little Princes in the Tower. In order to prove that he had not been murdered before, Henry was reluctantly compelled to have him really executed.

  Even after his execution many people believed that he was only pretending to have been beheaded, while others declared that it was not Warmneck at all but Lamkin, and that Permnel had been dead all the time really, like Queen Anne.

  Poyning's Lam

  Henry VII was very good at answering the Irish Question, and made a Law called Poyning's Law by which the Irish could have a Parliament of their own, but the English were to pass all the Acts in it. This was obviously a very Good Thing.

  Age of Daring Discoveries

  The reign of Henry VII marks the end of the Middle Ages. These were succeeded by an age of daring discoveries, such as when Caprornicus observed the Moon while searching the sk
ies with a telescope, thus causing the rotation of the Earth, crops, etc. Emboldened by this, Caprornicus began openly discussing the topic of capricorns, for which he was unanimously put to death.

  The greatest of these discoverers, however, was St Christophus Columba, the utterly memorable American, who, with the assistance of the intrepid adventurers John and Sebastian Robot, discovered how to make an egg stand on its wrong end. (Modern History is generally dated from this event.)

  TEST PAPER III

  Up to the End of Henry VII

  1. Contract, Expand, and Explode (a) The Charters and Garters of the Realm. (b) The Old Suspender.

  2. How did any one of the following differ from any one of the other? (1) Henry IV Part I. (2) Henry IV Part II.

  3. The end of the closing of the 2nd stage of the Treaty of Bretigny marks the opening of a new phase in the 1st stage of the termination of the Hundred Years? War.' (Confute.)

  4. `Know ye not Agincourt?' (Confess.)

  5. `Uneasy lies the head that wears a Throne.' (a) Suggest remedies, or (b) Imitate the action of a Tiger.

  6. Intone interminably (but inaudibly) i. The Pilgrims? Grace, ii. `Cuccu'.

  7. Do not draw a sketch-map of the Battle of Bannockburn, but write not more than three lines on the advantages and disadvantages of the inductive historical method with special relation to ecclesiastical litigation in the earlier Lancastrian epochs.

  8. How would you confuse (1) The Wars of the Roses? (2) Lamnel Simkin and Percy Warmneck? (3) The Royal issue?

  9. Why do you picture John of Gaunt as a rather emaciated grandee?

  10. Describe in excessive detail (a) The advantages of the Black Death. (b) The fate of the Duke of Clarence. (c) A Surfeit.

  N.B. Candidates should write on at least one side of the paper.

  CHAPTER 31

  Bluff King Hal

  HENRY VIII was a strong King with a very strong sense of humour and VIII wives, memorable amongst whom were Katherine the Arrogant, Anne of Cloves, Lady Jane Austin, and Anne Hathaway. His beard was, however, red.