1066 and All That Read online

  1066 AND ALL THAT

  W. C. Sellar and R. J. Yeatman

  1066 and all that

  A Memorable History of England, comprising all the parts you can remember, including 103 Good Things, 5 Bad Kings and 2 Genuine Dates

  By WALTER CARRUTHERS SELLAR Aegrot: Oxon.

  And ROBERT JULIAN YEATMAN Failed M.A., etc., Oxon.

  Illustrated by JOHN REYNOLDS, GENT.

  Dedication

  Absit Oman

  A Mandarin Humour Classic Paperback

  1066 AND ALL THAT

  First published in Great Britain 1930 by Methuen & Co Ltd

  First published in paperback 1975

  Reissued in 1993 by Mandarin Paperbacks, an imprint of Reed International Books Ltd, Michelin House, 81 Fulham Road, London SW3 6RB and Auckland, Melbourne, Singapore and Toronto

  Reprinted 1993 (twice), 1994 (twice), 1995 (twice), 1996 (twice), 1997 (twice)

  Copyright (c) 1930 by W. C. Sellar and R. J. Yeatman

  A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library

  ISBN 0 7493 0964 4

  Printed and bound in Great Britain by Cox & Wyman Ltd, Reading, Berkshire

  This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher's prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

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  COMPULSORY PREFACE

  (This Means You)

  HISTORIES have previously been written with the object of exalting their authors. The object of this History is to console the reader. No other history does this.

  History is not what you thought. It is what you can remember. All other history defeats itself.

  This is the only Memorable History of England, because all the History that you can remember is in this book, which is the result of years of research in golfclubs, gun-rooms, green-rooms, etc.

  For instance, two out of the four Dates originally included were eliminated at the last moment, a research done at the Eton and Harrow match having revealed that they are not memorable.

  The Editors will be glad of further assistance towards the elimination, in future editions, of any similarly unhistorical matter which, despite their vigilance, may have crept into the text.

  They take this opportunity of acknowledging their inestimable debt to the mass of educated men and women of their race whose historical intuitions and opinions this work enshrines.

  Also, to the Great British People without whose selfsacrificing determination to become top Nation there would have been no (memorable) history.

  History is now at an end (see p. 123); this History is therefore final.

  W. C. S.

  R. J. Y.

  PREFACE TO SECOND EDITION

  A FIRST edition limited to one copy and printed on rice paper and bound in buck-boards and signed by one of the editors was sold to the other editor, who left it in a taxi somewhere between Piccadilly Circus and the Bodleian.

  W. C. S.

  R. J. Y.

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  THE Editors acknowledge their comparative indebtedness to the Editors of the Historical Review, Bradshaw, the Lancet, La Vie Parisienne, etc., in which none of the following chapters has appeared. Their thanks are also due to their wife, for not preparing the index wrong. There is no index.

  PRESS OPINIONS

  `This slim volume...' Bookworm

  `...We look forward keenly to the appearance of their last work.' Review of Reviews of Reviews

  `... vague...' Vague

  ERRATA

  p. 11 For Middletoe read Mistletoe.

  p. 17 For looked 4th read looked forth.

  p. 50 For Pheasant read Peasant, throughout.

  p. 52 For sausage read hostage.

  Authors' Note

  Several portions of this book have appeared in Punch, and are reprinted here by courtesy of the Proprietors of that paper.

  CHAPTER 1

  Caesar Invades Britain

  THE first date(*) in English History is 55 B.C., in which year Julius Caesar (the memorable Roman Emperor) landed, like all other successful invaders of these islands, at Thanet. This was in the Olden Days, when the Romans were top nation on account of their classical education, etc.

  Julius Caesar advanced very energetically, throwing his cavalry several thousands of paces over the River Flumen; but the Ancient Britons, though all well over military age, painted themselves true blue, or wood, and fought as heroically under their dashing queen, Woadicea, as they did later in thin red lines under their good queen, Victoria.

  (*)For the other date see Chapter 11, William the Conqueror Julius Caesar was therefore compelled to invade Britain again the following year (54 B.C., not 56, owing to the peculiar Roman method of counting), and having defeated the Ancient Britons by unfair means, such as battering-rams, tortoises, hippocausts, centipedes, axes, and bundles, set the memorable Latin sentence, `Veni, Vidi, Vici', which the Romans, who were all very well educated, construed correctly.

  The Britons, however, who of course still used the old pronunciation, understanding him to have called them `Weeny, Weedy, and Weaky', lost heart and gave up the struggle, thinking that he had already divided them All into Three Parts.

  Culture among the Ancient Britons

  The Ancient Britons were by no means savages before the Conquest, and had already made great strides in civilization, e.g. they buried each other in long round wheelbarrows (agriculture) and burnt each other alive (religion) under the guidance of even older Britons called Druids or Eisteddfods, who worshipped the Middletoe in the famous Druidical churchyard at Stoke Penge.

  The Roman Conquest was, however, a Good Thing, since the Britons were only natives at that time.

  The Roman Occupation For some reason the Romans neglected to overrun the country with fire and the sword, though they had both of these; in fact, after the Conquest they did not mingle with the Britons at all, but lived a semi-detached life in villas. They occupied their time for two or three hundred years in building Roman roads and having Roman baths; this was called the Roman Occupation, and gave rise to the memorable Roman law, ?HE WHO BATHS FIRST BATHS FAST,? which was a Good Thing, and still is. The Roman roads ran absolutely straight in all directions and all led to Rome. The Romans also built towns wherever they were wanted, and, in addition, a wall between England and Scotland to keep out the savage Picts and Scots. This wall was the work of the memorable Roman Emperor Balbus and was thus called Hadrian's Wall. The Picts, or painted men,* were so called to distinguish them from the Britons. (See supra, woad.)

  CHAPTER 2

  Britain Conquered Again

  THE withdrawal of the Roman legions to take part in Gibbon's Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire (due to a clamour among the Romans for pompous amusements such as bread and circumstances) left Britain defenceless and subjected Europe to that long succession of Waves of which History is chiefly composed. While the Roman Empire was overrun by waves not only of Ostrogoths, Vizigoths, and even Goths, but also of Vandals (who destroyed works of art) and Huns (who destroyed everything and everybody, including Goths, Ostrogoths, Vizigoths, and even Vandals), Britain was attacked by waves of Picts (and, of course, Scots) who had recently learnt how to climb the wall, and of Angles,

  (*)e.g. The Black Watch, The Red Comyn, and Douglases of all colours. Saxons, and Jutes who, landing at Thanet, soon overran the country with fire (and, of course, the sword).

  Important Note

  The Scots (originally
Irish, but by now Scotch) were at this time inhabiting Ireland, having driven the Irish (Picts) out of Scotland; while the Picts (originally Scots) were now Irish (living in brackets) and vice versa. It is essential to keep these distinctions clearly in mind (and verce visa).

  Humiliation of the Britons

  The brutal Saxon invaders drove the Britons westward into Wales and compelled them to become Welsh; it is now considered doubtful whether this was a Good Thing. Memorable among the Saxon warriors were Hengist and his wife (? or horse), Horsa. Hengist made himself King in the South. Thus Hengist was the first English King and his wife (or horse), Horsa, the first English Queen (or horse). The country was now almost entirely inhabited by Saxons and was therefore renamed England, and thus (naturally) soon became C. of E. This was a Good Thing, because previously the Saxons had worshipped some dreadful gods of their own called Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.

  CHAPTER 3

  The Conversion of England

  NOTICING some fair-haired children in the slave market one morning, Pope Gregory, the memorable Pope, said (in Latin), `What are those?' and on being told that they were Angels, made the memorable joke `Non Angli, sed Angeli' (`not Angels but Anglicans') and commanded one of his Saints called St Augustine to go and convert the rest.

  The conversion of England was thus effected by the landing of St Augustine in Thanet and other places, which resulted in the country being overrun by a Wave of Saints. Among these were St Ive, St Pancra, the great St Bernard (originator of the clerical collar), St Bee, St Ebb, St Neot (who invented whisky), St Kit and St Kin, and the Venomous Bead (author of The Rosary). England was now divided into seven kingdoms and so ready were the English to become C. of E. that on one memorable occasion a whole Kingdom was easily converted by a sparrow.

  Wave of Egg-Kings

  Soon after this event Egg-Kings were found on the thrones of all these kingdoms, such as Eggberd, Eggbreth, Eggfroth, etc. None of them, however, succeeded in becoming memorable except in so far as it is difficult to forget such names as Eggbirth, Eggbred, Eggbeard, Eggfish, etc. Nor is it even remembered by what kind of Eggdeath they perished.

  CHAPTER 4

  Britain Conquered Again

  THE conversion of Britain was followed by a Wave of Danes, accompanied by their sisters or Sagas, and led by such memorable warriors as Harold Falsetooth and Magnus the Great, who, landing correctly in Thanet, overran the country from right to left, with fire.(*) After this the Danes invented a law called the Danelaw, which easily proved that since there was nobody else left alive there, all the right-hand part of England belonged to them. The Danish Conquest was, however, undoubtedly a Good Thing, because although it made the Danes top nation for a time it was the cause of Alfred the Cake (and in any case they were beaten utterly in the end by Nelson).

  By this time the Saxons had all become very old like the Britons before them and were called ealdormen; when they had been defeated in a battle by the Danes they used to sing little songs to themselves such as the memorable fragment discovered in the Bodleian Library at Oxford:

  Old-Saxon Fragment

  Syng a song of Saxons

  In the Wapentake of Rye

  Four and twenty eaoldormen

  Too eaold to die....

  Anon.

  (*)And, according to certain obstinate historians, the Sword. The Danes, on the other hand, wrote a very defiant kind of Epic poetry, e.g.:

  Beoleopard

  OR

  The Witan's Whail

  Whan Cnut Cyng the Witan wold enfeoff

  Of infangthief and outfangthief

  onderlich were they enwraged

  And wordwar waged

  Sware Cnut great scot and lot

  Swinge wold ich this illbegotten lot.

  Wroth was Cnut and wrothword spake.

  Well wold he win at wopantake.

  Fain wold he brakë frith and crackë heads

  And than they shold worshippe his redes.

  Swingéd Cnut Cyng with swung sword

  Howléd Witane hellë but hearkened his word

  Murië sang Cnut Cyng

  Outfangthief is Damgudthyng.

  CHAPTER 5

  Alfred the Cake

  KING ALFRED was the first Good King, with the exception of Good King Wenceslas, who, though he looked 4th, really came first (it is not known, however, what King Wenceslas was King of). Alfred ought never to be confused with King Arthur, equally memorable but probably non-existent and therefore perhaps less important historically (unless he did exist).

  There is a story that King Arthur once burnt some cakes belonging to Mrs Girth, a great lady of the time, at a place called Atheling. As, however, Alfred could not have been an Incendiary King and a Good King, we may dismiss the story as absurd, and in any case the event is supposed to have occurred in a marsh where the cakes would not have burnt properly. Cf. the famous lines of poetry about King Arthur and the cakes:

  `Then slowly answered Alfred from the marsh '

  Arthur, Lord Tennyson.

  CHAPTER 6

  Exgalahad and the British Navy

  KING ARTHUR invented Conferences because he was secretly a Weak King and liked to know what his memorable thousand and one Knights wanted to do next. As they were all parfitly jealous Knights he had to have the Memorable Round Table made to have the Conferences at, so that it was impossible to say which was top knight. He had a miraculous sword called Exgalahad with which he defeated the Danes in numerous battles. In this he was also much assisted by his marine inventions, including the water-dock and the British Navy. The latter invention occurred as follows.

  Alfred noticed that the Danes had very long ships, so he built a great many more much longer ones, thus cleverly founding the British Navy. From that time onwards foreigners, who, unlike the English, do not prefer to fight against long odds, seldom attacked the British Navy. Hence the important International Law called the Rule Britannia, technically known as the Freedom of the Seas.

  Humiliation of the Danes

  The English resisted the Danes heroically under Alfred, never fighting except against heavy odds, till at the memorable Peace of Wedmore Alfred compelled the Danes, who were now (of course) beaten, to stop being Danes and become English and therefore C. of E. and get properly married.

  For this purpose they were made to go back and start again at Thanet, after which they were called in future Thanes instead of Danes and were on our side and in the right and very romantic.

  CHAPTER 7

  Lady Windermere. Age of Lake Dwellers

  ALFRED had a very interesting wife called Lady Windermere (The Lady of the Lake), who was always clothed in the same white frock, and used to go bathing with Sir Launcelot (also of the Lake) and was thus a Bad Queen. It was also in King Arthur's time that the Anglo-Saxon Chronicle was published: this was the first English newspaper and had all the news about his victories, and Lady Windermere, and the Cakes, etc.

  CHAPTER 8

  Ethelread the Unready: A Weak King

  ETHELREAD THE UNREADY was the first Weak King of England and was thus the cause of a fresh Wave of Danes.

  He was called the Unready because he was never ready when the Danes were. Rather than wait for him the Danes used to fine him large sums called Danegeld, for not being ready. But though they were always ready, the Danes had very bad memories and often used to forget that they had been paid the Danegeld and come back for it almost before they had sailed away. By that time Ethelread was always unready again.

  Finally, Ethelread was taken completely unawares by his own death and was succeeded by Canute.

  CHAPTER 9

  Canute, an Experimental King

  THIS memorable monarch, having set out from Norway to collect some Danegeld, landed by mistake at Thanet, and thus became King.

  Canute began by being a Bad King on the advice of his Courtiers, who informed him (owing to a misunderstanding of the Rule Britannia) that the King of England was entitl
ed to sit on the sea without getting wet. But finding that they were wrong he gave up this policy and decided to take his own advice in future thus originating the memorable proverb, 'Paddle your own Canute' and became a Good King and C. of E., and ceased to be memorable. After Canute there were no more aquatic kings till William IV (see later, Creation of Piers).

  Canute had two sons, Halfacanute and Partacanute, and two other offspring, Rathacanute and Hardlicanute, whom, however, he would never acknowledge, denying to the last that he was their Fathacanute.

  CHAPTER 10

  Edward the Confessor

  ON HIS DEATH Canute's Kingdom was divided between two further sons, who had been previously overlooked, Aftercanute and Harold Harebrush. These were succeeded by Edward the Confessor. It was about this time that the memorable Mac Beth ('Ian Hay'), known as the Bane of Fife, murdered a number of his enemies, including Mac Duff, Lord Dunsinaney, Sleep, etc.

  Edward the Confessor was with difficulty prevented from confessing to all these and many other crimes committed in his reign, as he was in the habit of confessing everything whether he had done it or not, and was thus a Weak King.

  The Last English King

  With Edward the Confessor perished the last English King (viz. Edward the Confessor), since he was succeeded by Waves of Norman Kings (French), Tudors (Welsh), Stuarts (Scottish), and Hanoverians (German), not to mention the memorable Dutch King-Williamanmary.

  TEST PAPER I

  Up to the End of 1066

  1. Which do you consider were the more alike, Caesar or Pompey, or vice versa? (Be brief.)

  2. 2. Discuss, in latin or gothic (but not both), whether the Northumbrian Bishops were more schismatical than the Cumbrian Abbots. (Be bright.)

  3. Which came first, A.D. or B.C.? (Be careful.)

  4. Has it never occurred to you that the Romans counted backwards? (Be honest.)

  5. How angry would you be if it was suggested (1) That the XIth Chap, of the Consolations of Boethius was an interpolated palimpsest? (2) That an eisteddfod was an agricultural implement?

  6. How would you have attempted to deal with (a) The Venomous Bead? (b) A Mabinogion or Wapentake? (Be quick.)