Matthew Del Negro - 10,000 NOs Read online

  TableofContents

  Cover

  Introduction

  CHAPTER1:GettingStarted

  KeepItSimple,Stupid

  BeforeYouTakeYourFirstStep,AskYourselfWhyYou'reMoving

  EverybodyNeedsSomeBillySometimes

  CHAPTER2:WorkEthic

  NatureversusNurture

  GettingtoKnowFear

  TheWestWingExperience

  NobodyWalksontheHill!

  CHAPTER3:Performance,Anxiety,andInstinct

  TwoSidesoftheSameCoin

  YouCanTaketheKidOutoftheBlackBox…

  Doesn'tTakeMuchtoBeKnockedOffCourse

  ThereAreHitShows…andThereAreHitsinShows

  Instincts:TrustYourGut

  CHAPTER4:DisciplineandTraining

  TheGameIsWonorLostBeforeYouEvenTaketheField

  BuySpeed

  IfYou'reGonnaTalktheTalk,YaGottaWalktheWalk

  TheRightWayIstheWaythatWorksforYou

  CHAPTER5:Risk

  ConquerorDie

  Don'tTakeItPersonally,TakeItProfessionally

  WhatGoesUpMustComeDown

  Free-fallin'

  CHAPTER6:Perseverance

  PerseveranceIsforEveryone

  SometimesLifeIsGoingtoPancakeYou

  IsYourBiggestBreakaFewDoorsDowntheHallway?

  CHAPTER7:Reframing

  It'sNottheCanvas,It'sWhatYouSeeintheCanvas

  There'sNoBusinessLikeShowBusiness

  OutofWork?StartaPodcast!

  CHAPTER8:Surrender

  TheArtofFightingWithoutFighting

  The“AllIsLost”MomentIsNotOnlyinMovies

  GrownMenShouldn'tPunchWalls

  TakeYourMedicineandtheCureWillFindYou

  CHAPTER9:Transformation

  TheCaterpillar,theCocoon,andtheButterfly

  ThereAreNoSmallParts,OnlySmallActors

  ACobbled-Together“Career”

  BreathinginRarefiedAir

  CHAPTER10:Leadership

  YouCan'tHave LeadershipWithout Relationships

  Don'tBeaGrinch:Serve

  Humility:Next-LevelLeadership

  Delegating:TheArtofGettingHelp

  BigStarDoesNotMeanOversizedEgo

  CHAPTER11:MeditationandRelaxation

  WelcometotheNewAge

  BeingaStraight-AStudentIsOverrated

  “YouAreEnough”

  CHAPTER12:BeliefandFaith

  Don'tBetheGuy(orGal)WhoWokeUponThirdBaseThinkingHeHitaTriple CreateYourOwnSystemforGratitude

  WhyNotMe?

  LosingtheBattlebutWinningtheWar

  KeepYourOwnScorecardandStartwithEasyWins

  YouDon'tNeedaScorecardtoKnowIfYouWonorLost

  CHAPTER13:TheSubconscious

  Dreamwork

  AHollywoodNightmareofSelf-Sabotage

  Chapter14:JustBeaGoodPerson

  LivetheGoldenRule

  NiceGuysDon'tAlwaysFinishLast

  Chapter15:FocusandSingularity

  ToCatchaRabbit,YouCanOnlyChaseOneataTime

  ToBBQorNottoBBQ?ThatIstheQuestion

  MyVeryUnsexyManhattanApartment

  “AllThatMattersIsThatF*ckin'Box”

  CHAPTER16:FacadeversusReality

  Don'tBelievetheHype

  BeyondtheFacadeoftheRedCarpet

  I'veFinallyMadeIttoThatCityonaHill

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgments

  AbouttheAuthor

  Index

  EndUserLicenseAgreement

  “ThisbookisachanceforpeopletobenefitfromthehumanityandwisdomMattDelNegrohasacquiredby grindingthroughhisown 10,000NOsforsolong.Hisvaluefarexceedshisart.Histalentisonlyoutweighedby hishumilityandabilitytoconnectwithothersandmakethemfeelbetterabouttheirownjourney.”

  —BedrosKeuilian, CEO,FitBodyBootcamp,bestsellingauthor, ManUp

  “Beingtold‘no’caneitherdefineyouorigniteyou.Matt'spowerfulbookgivesyouthecourageandconfidenceto turnthatdevastating‘no’intoinspiration.Throughhisresilience,determination,andbreathtakinghonesty,Matt showshowtonavigatethestingofrejectionandconvertitintothesatisfactionofsuccess!Thisbookisaserious lifechanger!”

  —SueHollis, Cofounder,TheTravelEdgeGroup,Coach,Adventurepreneur,Top10WomenEntrepreneursin Australia,authorof RidingRaw:AJourneyfromEmptytoFull, motorbikeracer

  “Ifyouwantarealitycheck,aconnectiontowhatittakestogetwhereyouwanttogoinlife…adviceaboutthe realityofgettingpast 10,000NOstotheone‘Yes’youdesireandwillcommitto,thenmakethisyourLifeBible.

  Absorbit.Listentothewords.Thengonofurther.Settlein.AndmakeMatt'sexperience…yours.”

  —RogerFishman, AdventurePhotographer,author, WhatIKnow, formerHeadofMarketing,CAA

  MATTHEWDELNEGRO

  10,000NOs

  HOWTOOVERCOMEREJECTIONONTHEWAYTOYOURYES

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  Deirdre,forstandingbywhenthe“no”sfeltheaviest DonovanandBronwyn,mayyouneverletthecriticcount

  Everyoneelse,forhelpingandencouragingmetokeepgoing

  Introduction

  Ihadcoffeerecentlywithaverysuccessfuldocumentaryfilmmakerfriend.Thefeaturedocumentaryhemadeafew yearsagowontheSundanceFilmFestivaldocumentarycompetitionandsoldforalotofmoney.Thenextonehe madewasalsoquitelucrative,whichisnoeasyfeatforadocumentaryfilm.Hismostrecentfilm,however,didnot immediatelyfindworldwidedistributionthewaytheothershad,sohereachedouttometosharethenewsandtalk throughhisfrustratedfeelingsonthematter.WhenIrealizedtheintentofhiscoffeemeetingrequestIsaid,“Wow,I guessIreally amaRejectionExpert,huh?”Helaughedbeforeexplainingthathehadn'tcalledmebecauseofmy ownpunishingtrackrecord.Itwasjustthathisverysupportivewife,whoisnotinourindustry,didnothavethe comparableexperienceofseeingtwoyearsofworkdeflateinfrontofhereyesduetothechangingtidesofopinion.

  Andhisfellowdocumentaryfilmmakerfriendsweresomewhatincompetitionwithhim,sotheymightnot completelycommiserate.ItwasatthispointthatIfullyrealizedtheneedforthisbook.

  Thisbookwillchangeyouasmuchasyouletit.Itwillnot“solve”yourlifeortellyouhowtoturnevery“no”intoa

  “yes.”Butit willcrackopenmorequestionsanddeepenyourquestforsuccessifyouallowit.Itdoesnotcontain magic,justtruth.Itshedslightonmanyoftheprinciplessomanyofushaveponderedforyears:perseverance, performance,workethic,risk,belief,hope,faith.Ifocusthechaptersinthisbookontheseprinciplesaswellason gettingstarted,instinct,disciplineandtraining,reframing,surrender,transformation,leadership,meditationand relaxation,thesubconscious,beingagoodperson,andfacadeversusreality.Sometopicsandchaptersoverlapas theyareinterrelated,andallpresentreal-worldperspectives.Youcandevouritinonesitting,asanactor's entertainingalbeitsometimescringe-worthymemoir,orjumparoundwilly-nillywheninspirationandcuriosity beckonyou,usingitmorelikeaself-developmentmanifesto.Eitherway,Ihopethatitwillmakeyoulaugh,inspire you,andencourageyoutotakeonemoresteptowardwhateveritisthatbringsfulfillmentforyouandmakesyour lifefeelwellspent.

  AuthorMalcolmGladwellproposedthatpeopleonlybecomeexpertsinafieldafterthey'vededicatedthemselvesto itfor10,000hours.Iagreewithhim.ButI'vealsoponderedtheabilityandpracticeofwithstandingtheword“no.”

  Whatdefinesmycareer,oranyone'sforthatmatter,isthewayIhavechosentoreacttoconstantrejection, perceivedfailures,and“luckybreaks”thathavefallenapartduetoforcesoutsideofmycontrol.Thattypeof reaction,bothwhenitwasadmirableandwhenitwasembarrassinglypetty,iswhatmostpeoplewouldcallattitude, outlook,orperspective.Forallofus,ourabilitytopersevereisderivedfromacombinationofinnateinstincts embeddeddeepinourDNAandlessonsfromthemajorinfluencesandinfluenc ersinourlives,includingour parents,teachers,coaches,bosses,friends,siblingsandsomanyothers.Itisour choicetoseekoutotherswho strengthenourresilience,aswellassituationsthattestit,ortogravitatetowardsmaller-mindedpeoplewhowishto keepuswhere theyareorwheretheythinkweshouldberatherthanencouragingourgrowthandchallengingtheir ownself-imposedlimits.

  InJuly2017,afterrackingupovertwodecades'worthofrejections,Ilaunchedapodcast, 10,000NOs,inanattempt tofindouthowmenandwomenineveryfieldimaginable,facingseeminglyinsurmountableobstacles,overcame their“no”s.Whatfollowedinthenextthreeyearshasbecometheeducationofmylife.Thisbookcontainsquotes fromsomeofmypodcastgueststhatsoperfectlyreinforcetheprinciplesIhavelearnedmostlythroughtrialand error.Someofthoseguestsarefamous,somearenot;twohasdiedsinceourconversationandmostarethriving.

  Butthecommonthreadisthateachandeveryoneofthemisasflawedandasfullofcontradictions,pain,sadness, worry,joy,laughter,sorrow,andvictoryastherestofus.Theyarehuman.Theydonotpossess“theanswers”nor weretheybornontheIslandof“Yes.”Allofthemhavestumbleduponthesametoughtruthsbygrapplingwith, battling,andovercomingamountainof“no”s.It'snotjustamatteroflearningfromthetoughtimesweexperience, but whatwelearn, whyit'simportanttolearnfromit, whenwelearnit—fromhourstoyearsafter—and howweuse thoselessonstopersevere.

  Nomatterwhoyouare,orwhereyouareinyourcareer,youwillhavesetbacks.Youwillbeinneedofcounselfrom friendsandothersupporters.Andnobookorpieceofadvicewillmakeyourpaingoawayimmediately.Thereisno magicpill.Butknowingthatothershavesufferedinwayssimilartoyouandsomehowmadeitthroughisenoughto helpyoupickupthepieces,reflectonthem,andmoveon.Ironically,whenIsatdownwithmydocumentary filmmakerfriendIwasfeelingparticularlyterribleandself-judgmentalaboutthisbook.Thatwaswhenhetoldme abouttheFiveStagesofCreativity,whichsomehow,Ihadneverheardbefore: Stage1-I'mreallyexcitedaboutthis.

  Stage2-Thisisn'tasgoodasIthoughtitwas.

  Stage3-Thisisterrible.

  Stage4-ThisisactuallybetterthanIrealized.

  Stage5-I'mreallyexcitedaboutthis.

  Ifeverythingwereeasyallthetime,youwouldnotvaluethatease.If“yes”weretheanswertoyoureverywishand demand,everyvictoryandwindfallwouldbemeaningless.You thinkyouwantcomfort,butwhatyoureallyneedis progress.Progressonlyarriveswhenastruggleisovercome.So,whileIwishIcouldsendyouoffintotheworld tellingallyourfriendsthatthisbooksolvedeverythingforyou,Iknowthatwouldbeunrealistic.Instead,Isendyou offintotheworldurgingyoutoleanintoyour10,000“no”s.Iurgeyoutoreallyfeeltheirpainandletthatpain guideyoupastthe“no”togreenerpastures.Iurgeyoutolearnfromthemwhat nottodothenexttime,soyoucan

  turnthose“no”sintoa“yes.”Iurgeyoutobegratefulforthem,forinthemliesthewisdomofhumanityand experience.Thereisnogreaterteacherthanthatwhichremindsyouthatyoursalvationliesinalwaysstriving,until yourlastdyingbreath.

  MatthewDelNegro

  January2020

  CHAPTER1

  GettingStarted

  “Youneverknowwhenthoseothersupportivefactorsaregoingtowanttoconvergearoundyourwork,butthey won'tifyoudon'ttakethefirststep.”

  — JessicaBlank,Writer,TheExonerated

  Therearemanythingsthatcanmuddythewatersandmakesomethingsosimple,liketryinganewhobbyor ditchingabadhabit,seemcomplex.Ascrazyasitsounds,mosthumanswillcomeupwithexcuseafterexcusetotry towiggleoutofdoingtheonethingtheyknowthey needtodoinordertoaccomplishtheirdeepestdesires.But really,itallbeginswithonestep.Ibelieveyouwillonlytakethatstep,andchangethecourseyouareon,whenthe thoughtof notdoingsomethingbecomesmorepainfultoyouthanthethoughtofgivingitatry.Itreallyisthat simple.

  KeepItSimple,Stupid

  Thetruththatmostpeoplefailtoacknowledge,however,isthatdoingsomething,evenifyou'refollowingadream, canstillbepainfulalotofthetime.Whenyou'refollowingadream,though,there'sapotofgoldattheendofthe pain.Thatpotmaynotbefilledwithliteralgold,butitshouldatleastholdthegoldof fulfillment.Thatfulfillment usuallycomesintheformofpeace,satisfaction,andapridethatonlycomesfromlivingwithpurpose.

  “Wedon'ttellourselves,‘I'mnevergoingtowritemysymphony.’Insteadwesay,‘I'mgoingtowritemy symphony;I'mjustgoingtostarttomorrow.’”

  —StephenPressfield, TheWarofArt

  Peoplet
hesedays,myselfincluded,areobsessedwiththeoriginstoriesofthosewhohavebrokenawayfromthe packtotaketheroadlesstraveled.Thisisnotsurprisinggiventhedifficultyrequiredtotakethefirststepdown any path.ThequestionI'maskedthemost,besideshowImemorizeallmylines,ishowIbecameaprofessionalactor.

  ThetriteanswerIusuallygiveininterviewsisthatitstartedwithagirl.Thatleadstoastoryaboutabreakupin collegewhilestudyingabroad,whichultimatelyledtomydecisiontoquitplayinglacrossemyjunioryearatBoston College.Then,seeminglyoutofnowhere,Iauditionedforaplay,andtherestishistory.Butperhapsamoretruthful andaccurateansweristhatitstartedwithaplethoraofproverbial“no”sthroughoutmychildhood.

  BeforeYouTakeYourFirstStep,AskYourselfWhyYou'reMoving Mostpeoplecantracetheir whybacktosomepain,rejection,orperceivedlossinchildhoodthattheyarenowtrying tofix.Iamnodifferent.Forme,my whywasforgedinthepainofmyparents'marriage,whichlookedonewayto myimmediatefamilyandanothertotherestoftheworld.Astheyoungestmemberofthefamily,andthe peacekeeper,Iwasconstantlyinterpretingonefamilymember'sactionstoanother.Socially,myrolewassimilar.I couldalwaysrelatetomostpeoplesoI'dfindmyselfexplainingonepersontoanother,eveniftheywerepartof vastlydifferentsocialsubsets.ThepriceIpaidforkeepingthepeacewasthatIinternalizedeverythingandcarriedit aroundwithme.Lookingbacknow,itiseasiertoseethatmycareerchoicedidnotreallycomeoutofnowhere,the wayIpreviouslyviewedit,asmyjobnowistointerpretthewordsofwritersandtheexperiencesofthecharactersI play.ButIhadzeroawarenessofthislinkbackthen.