Working Girls: Trixie and Katya's Guide to Professional Womanhood Read online

  MORE BY TRIXIE MATTEL & KATYA

  Trixie and Katya’s Guide to Modern Womanhood

  It’s a New York Times Bestseller

  An imprint of Penguin Random House LLC

  penguinrandomhouse.com

  Copyright © 2022 by Brian Michael Firkus and Brian Joseph McCook

  Penguin supports copyright. Copyright fuels creativity, encourages diverse voices, promotes free speech, and creates a vibrant culture. Thank you for buying an authorized edition of this book and for complying with copyright laws by not reproducing, scanning, or distributing any part of it in any form without permission. You are supporting writers and allowing Penguin to continue to publish books for every reader.

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  Photographs by Albert Sanchez and Pedro Zalba

  library of congress cataloging-in-publication data

  Title: Working girls: Trixie & Katya's guide to professional womanhood / Trixie Mattel & Katya Zamolodchikova.

  Description: [New York] : Plume, [2022]

  Identifiers: LCCN 2022032665 (print) | LCCN 2022032666 (ebook) | ISBN 9780593186114 (hardcover) | ISBN 9780593186121 (ebook)

  Subjects: LCSH: Women in the professions—Humor. | Women employees—Social conditions—Humor. | Women—Vocational guidance—Humor.

  Classification: LCC HD6054 .M38 2022 (print) | LCC HD6054 (ebook) | DDC 650.1082—dc23/eng/20220727

  LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2022032665

  LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2022032666

  ISBN 9780593186114 (hardcover)

  ISBN 9780593186121 (ebook)

  Cover design by Jason Booher; photo of Trixie and Katya by Albert Sanchez and Pedro Zalba

  Book design by Shannon Nicole Plunkett, adapted for ebook by Kelly Brennan

  pid_prh_6.0_141656611_c0_r0

  This book is dedicated to all the divas who slay and serve and work the house down boots, hunty

  CONTENTS

  PART ONE

  GETTING THE JOB

  Career Aptitude Test

  What Kind of Job Do You Want?: Service Work Edition

  What Kind of Job Do You Want?: Office Work Edition

  Office Attire: You Want to Make Money? Wear a Suit

  Education: The Library Is Open

  Interview with a Vampire

  PART TWO

  THRIVING AT WORK

  Types of Coworkers: A Field Guide

  Office Lingo: From Circling Back to Chiming In

  Asking for a Raise: Bitch Better Have My Money

  Girlbosses

  Management Styles: Manage-à-trois

  Working Remotely: When the Boardroom Is Your Bedroom

  Workplace Wellness: It’s a Jungle in There

  Angels and Devils in the Workplace

  PART THREE

  LEAVING YOUR JOB / CAREER TRANSITIONS

  Firing Someone: It’s Not Me, It’s You

  Quitting: Don’t Smile Because It’s Over, Cry Because It Happened

  Getting Fired: Need Help Packing?

  Passion Projects: From the Hobby to the Lobby

  13 Reasons Why (Not to Be a Drag Queen)

  Illicit Professions: Doing Business in the Shadows

  Showbiz: Entertaintment

  Scams: The Grift That Keeps on Giving

  Retirement and More: You Better Not Work!

  Acknowledgments

  About the Authors

  PART ONE

  GETTING THE JOB

  CAREER APTITUDE TEST

  BY KATYA

  Congratulations on taking the first step on your journey toward complete and total mastery of professional nirvana. If you’ve purchased this book, I can only assume that you are a plucky young blonde named Jessica ready to claw your way up the corporate ladder, armed with a can-do spirit; firm, tanned thighs; and a pair of big, heavy naturals. I could also assume you’re a newly divorced mother of two, a busty dame in your late forties named Gina, looking to launch your second act after finally having unburdened yourself of that deadbeat husband, Ric. Well done, Gina, and welcome home. Then again, you could be someone else entirely, perhaps someone from the future named Beth or Bethany or Elizabeth, and you’ve found this dusty tome wedged in the rubble of a blown-out Barnes & Noble bathroom, and that’s fine too. Listen, Beth, the important thing is that you are here, and you’re ready to do the work.

  This book will serve as your road map of the daunting landscape of five-lane freeways that populate the endlessly winding and weaving labyrinth of the modern professional world. Unlike the freeway, however, in the professional world there are no signs to guide you to a graceful exit or to indicate a change of lane, but that’s where we come in: to extend a petite and perfectly manicured helping hand. Grab on tight, don’t let go, and when you’re done, please return the hand to the mannequin in the American Eagle on the first level of the Greendale Mall.

  This is a guide meant to serve you no matter where you might find yourself positioned in the rat race, from interviewing for your first job all the way to basking in the golden glow of retirement. And you can rest assured, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that you’re about to receive not only the most sound and reasonable career advice of all time but also the most innovative and cutting-edge techniques and practices for professional advancement, from two trustworthy titans of talent. Of course I’m referring to myself and Trixie, who also happen to be two out-of-touch drag queens whose combined professional experience is less than that of the average college teen and dates back to well over a decade ago. But consider this: The benefits of a fresh and unconventional point of view can be invaluable, just as in the 1980s, when beleaguered homicide detectives were forced to think outside the box and hire psychics and Reiki masters. They might not have helped to solve any cases per se, but these collaborations did usher in an important paradigm shift: We now more fully understand how to harness the energy of passed loved ones to help detectives explore each other’s bodies. So, please, allow us to blindly guide you off the cliff, fake hand in real one—but before we get into the whole rigmarole of working, jobs, blah blah blah, there’s one thing we need to figure out: Who exactly are you?

  Back in high school there was a guidance counselor named Mrs. Liljestrand whose job was to help students figure out what to do after graduation. She was an enigmatic figure, as she seemed to work only about two hours a week but somehow owned several BMWs. She also had the strange habit of changing the pronunciation of her own last name every couple of months. Needless to say, I was in love with her, and one day, after months of trying, I finally managed to catch her in the office. I asked her, “Why do we only have two options after high school? It seems strange and kind of depressing that I must either become a janitor or go to Harvard. Is there no third option?” She took a long drag of her Cuban cigarillo, blew it at the glass of the unopened window, slowly craned her neck back at me, and after a long, exasperated sigh said, “Listen, honey, if I had all the answers, then I’d know why the back seats of all my Beamers are filled with dead birds.” I was stunned silent until she threw a mop at me and said, “Get the fuck out of here; you’ll never get into Harvard.” Like most mysterious oracles, she was weird, and she was right.

  One of the most fascinating things about people is that they are all made up of so many different things. And I’m not talking just about blood, phlegm,
bile, and pizzazz. I’m talking about the things that make you You and the other stuff that makes me Me, not to mention the entirely different sack of whatever that makes Shakira Shakira. Psychiatrists say that each person on this planet is unique, which to me sounds like a bunch of malarkey. Next thing you know, they’ll say the moon isn’t made of cheese and Earth spins around like a giant basketball. There are nearly 225,000 people currently living on God’s green flat Earth, and you’re gonna tell me that they are all one of a kind? Well, I think the more than sixty-five documented sets of identical twins would beg to differ, which is hard for them to do since they look exactly the same.

  But enough about science. This book is about the real world, and in the real world we don’t drive microscopes and drink out of test tubes. We do stuff for money, and that’s called work.

  To get you on the right path, we need to identify just what kind of stuff it is that you like and what types of things you could be good at. You’ve probably heard of aptitude tests before, and maybe you’ve even taken one. They usually consist of a series of questions about your skills, preferences, and working style—and they are not to be confused with the slightly different Alptitude test, which simply proves whether a mountain is European. The results are designed to indicate which fields you are suited to based on your answers.

  Unfortunately, there are many problems with these tests. First of all, they are far too long and don’t require any blood or urine samples, which too often yields a boring and inaccurate assessment. Second, the jobs they recommend are often obsolete, illegal, or just plain yucky. Physician? What’s the point when we already have doctors? That’s why I came up with this ingenious, foolproof, all-encompassing aptitude test for the modern working girl.

  QUESTION 1:

  Choose the activity that appeals to you the most:

  A: Solving problems with oldies

  B: Vehicular manslaughter

  C: Feeling up on people’s legs

  D: Looking at bones

  QUESTION 2:

  Which smell reminds you the most of home?

  A: Charred fish

  B: Marinated mushrooms

  C: Hot, wet air

  D: Greased leather

  QUESTION 3:

  Which location do you find it impossible to make love in?

  A: The ocean

  B: An Irish bog

  C: A vintage pioneer wagon

  D: Germany

  QUESTION 4:

  Which body of water do you find the most alluring?

  A: The Petersons’ aboveground pool

  B: The Dead Sea

  C: The Gulf of Mexico

  D: The fish tank in the dentist’s waiting room

  QUESTION 5:

  How many different species of animals have you touched with both hands?

  A: 0

  B: 1–5

  C: 10–100

  D: Too many to count

  QUESTION 6:

  Which of the following is Academy Award–nominated actress Ellen Burstyn’s real name?

  A: Edith Megan Guggenheim

  B: Edna Rae Gillooly

  C: Eden Ruth Friedman

  D: Helen Bursting

  QUESTION 7:

  If Stephanie is traveling westward at twenty-five miles per hour for a job interview at 4:00 p.m. and she leaves her house at 2:00 p.m. but her car runs out of gas halfway to her destination, how does that make you feel?

  A: Angry

  B: Buoyed

  C: Hopeful

  D: Despondent

  QUESTION 8:

  What did you have for lunch today?

  A: Continental breakfast in the lobby

  B: Meals on Wheels

  C: Steak Diane

  D: A big bowl of Ma’s gravy

  QUESTION 9:

  What concession do you buy at the movies?

  A: Popcorn

  B: Jujubes

  C: Raisinets

  D: Cobb salad, buttery dressing on the side

  QUESTION 10:

  You discover that your boss is having an affair with his executive assistant. Do you:

  A: Use this information as leverage to get a raise?

  B: Threaten to change him from a rooster to a hen with a shotgun?

  C: Casually insert yourself as the third amorous partner?

  D: Post an anonymous report to the work bulletin board?

  QUESTION 11:

  Which scenario do you find the most unpleasant?

  A: Cutting your hair very short

  B: Being married to an actor

  C: Giving birth to the spawn of Satan

  D: Listening to stand-up comedy

  QUESTION 12:

  It’s 10:00 p.m. on a weeknight and you hear a knock at the door. Who’s likely to be there?

  A: Kim Cattrall

  B: A large chunk of meteorite

  C: A tall religious zealot

  D: A steaming jar of Ma’s gravy

  IF YOU GOT:

  Mostly As: You should be a medical technician.

  Mostly Bs: You should be an after-hours DJ.

  Mostly Cs: You may qualify for 0 percent APR financing.

  Mostly Ds: You are a cardiac surgeon at Boston Medical, and you were due in surgery more than four hours ago! Everyone is really worried; please get to the operating room at once, Doctor. Time is running out, and there’s one thing you need to know about the patient. It’s . . . your son, Jeremy. For Christ’s sake, hurry!

  To Do: Pick out urn for Jeremy.

  WHAT KIND OF JOB DO YOU WANT?

  Service Work Edition

  BY TRIXIE & KATYA

  Are you a fierce fucking diva who lives to serve? Well, take a number, bitch, and welcome to the club, because we are too. Most of the jobs we’ve worked have been in the service industry, which probably had something to do with the fact that we became such fierce divas who can’t stop serving. Before we run down the list of potential service work, how about you take a quick personal inventory to see if you’ve got what it takes to serve it like a big wet fucking diva, completely soaked to the bone with nasty, gushy fierceness. Are your giant, oily hands peppered with patches of matted hair and thick, impenetrable calluses? Good. Does your glossy forty-eight-inch ponytail detach easily? Are your hooves so riddled with bunions that you can only shop for shoes at the Boot Barn? Got any teeth? Where the fuck is your aunt Trudy? These are all important questions, and while there may not be any important answers, let’s go ahead and secure our hairnets anyway. It’s time to serve, you fierce fucking bitch!

  KATYA: CLEANER

  Let’s face it: People are really fucking gross. We, as a species, are morally and socially compelled toward an unachievable state of cleanliness that is betrayed by our innately repulsive physiology. As a professional cleaner, you confront the harsh and undeniable evidence of humanity’s contempt for itself. Any previous subscription you may have had to a recognizable code of ethics has been long abandoned and replaced by the chaos of unbridled aggression, violence, and endless suffering. The sheets are soaked in blood. The walls are speckled with viscera. The stench of death is a fetid fog that follows you at all times, ubiquitous and unavoidable.

  You were once a corporate lawyer who got into some questionable activities on an extended vacation in Mexico City, but now you’re a cleaner for the cartels. It all happened so quickly; during brief moments of peace you struggle to recall just how you got yourself mixed up in something so dangerous, so destructive, so . . . delectable. Ahh, there it is. That’s when you remember. It wasn’t just your cast-iron stomach and indifference toward dismemberment but your surprising, newly awakened taste for fresh blood and meat.

  Suddenly the pieces of th
e puzzle begin to line themselves up. When the other children would chase the ice cream truck through the neighborhood streets, you would slink away to the woods to rip the skin off rabbits and chew their innards. You didn’t just get mixed up with some bad guys or fall into the shadows by mistake. You are and always have been the pure, unadulterated essence of evil. Like a volcanic eruption straight from the bowels of Hell, you were spewed directly out of the mouth of the beast and shot through some innocent woman’s uterus, like those tubes they used to have at the bank drive-through. But you are not merely evil; you are evil’s nefarious enabler. You remove the carnage of lowly grifters, criminals, and monsters to allow their hideousness to grow and spread into ever more indescribable viciousness.

  And while all of that is objectionable, loathsome, and abhorrent, when push comes to shove and some dumb bitch spills her cabernet on my silk rug, you’d be the first person I’d call to save the day. On the off chance you happen to be, like, a regular house cleaner, you’d be the second person I would call, especially considering it’s just a matter of time before cleaner number one is tidily disposed of one day.

  TRIXIE: SERVER

  Serving in a restaurant is the hardest job there is. Go ahead and process that controversial yet brave proclamation . . . I’ll wait. The only people who don’t think servers have it hard are people who have never been a server themselves. In Los Angeles, there are a shocking number of people who do not tip and who believe that people who have menial positions such as servers have somehow “brought it on themselves.” Karma has apparently kissed them because they are deserving of love and light and their waitress should have taken night classes if she didn’t want to be a waitress. These are also typically people who have familial wealth and have never worked a job because they needed it. When the servers start poisoning the Coke Zero, these people will go first.