Lost Soul (War of Destiny Book 1) Read online

  When my father and I arrived at the church Peter and his family were already sitting in the first pew with my mother and Crystal. The rest of my family and Gregory’s family sat in the other pews. I looked at my father standing next to me and smiled. Perhaps I would be happy. Father smiled back.

  “You will be happy, Juliana,” he whispered as we started down the aisle. Had he read my mind? How I hoped he was right!

  When my father placed my hand in Gregory’s, I looked at my betrothed closely for the first time. His long black hair and gray eyes made his appearance pleasing to a degree. But there was something about his eyes and mouth I didn’t like. His mouth was slightly twisted, almost like a triumphant sneer. I blinked in surprise and he responded by smiling broadly. My sister’s premonition echoed in my mind and I willed myself to shake off what I had seen in his countenance as my overactive imagination. I felt a smile spread across my face also, but it was a smile of resignation. We took our vows and kissed. His lips were soft but I broke off the kiss first.

  Within an hour the ceremony had ended and we left the church. People were standing outside, throwing rose petals and beaming. The sight of a familiar face in the back of the crowd caused my eyes to widen. I nearly dropped the bouquet when I saw him.

  Adam was leaning against the low church wall, scowling. He stared directly at my husband for a long moment, and there was no mistaking the jealousy and anger in his eyes. He met my eyes fleetingly before turning away. Within seconds, he was gone.

  “Juliana, are you all right?” Gregory asked.

  “I just need some fresh air, I think. The crowd is so close.”

  “Of course.” Gregory tightened his grip on my arm, steered me to the carriage and helped me up. We drove off. I was now his wife.

  Chapter 2

  Three months after my wedding (how strange to use such a joyous word for such a somber event!) I had not once left my new home. (Strange too, to use the word ‘home’ for a place so utterly bereft of warmth.) Gregory would not allow it. Oh, he did not lock the doors or windows; he simply forbade me to go out, saying it was not safe. I did not think that was the real reason, though; I believed his actions were meant to make me feel his control over me. And since he did not care to take me to the theater, nor anywhere that couples of our station normally went, I went nowhere at all.

  One crisp day in autumn when Gregory was out on business (I still did not know what business my husband tended to, nor where he went when he was not home) I decided to defy his orders and go to the market. Why could I not buy our fruit myself when I wished to, rather than send one of the servants? I felt I would go mad from confinement to the mansion and the grounds, lovely as they were. Unfortunately, Gregory’s man-servant, David, happened to see me as I descended the steps wearing my cloak.

  “Mistress Julia, where are you going?” he asked.

  “To the market.”

  David started to protest. “But Master Gregory said —”

  “Master Gregory is not here. I shall go where I wish, when I wish. It is impudent for you to inquire, as it is for you to attempt to stop me.”

  “Forgive me, Mistress Julia,” David inclined his head as he spoke. I knew he would inform my husband, but so great was my longing for a change of routine, and to be around other people, that I refused to fret about that. I lifted my face to the weak autumn sunshine as I walked out of my prison-home.

  At the bustling market, I wandered among the stalls to see which fruit looked the most appetizing, reveling in the scents of freshly harvested apples and pears. I stopped at a stall where a young man was tending to something in the back. When I cleared my throat, he came towards the displays of fruits and vegetables and said, “Aye?” The roughness of his voice seemed out of place. As I looked up from the fruit and saw his face, I stared in surprise.

  “Adam!” I said. Adam stared back at me with cool detachment. He pushed back his long light brown hair, and after a long uncomfortable moment, he spoke.

  “What do you need, Madame?” he asked in an indifferent tone.

  “Some apples, please,” I answered coldly, angry and confused about his behavior towards me. Adam nodded and turned away. When he finally looked back at me I saw through the mask; a brief flash of pain and bitterness entered his eyes and then was gone, leaving his careful expression of detachment. He looked back at his wares.

  “How many do you need, Juliana?” he asked. His voice had lost its hostility.

  I replied more kindly as well. “About ten, Adam,” I replied. He carefully chose ten good apples and put them in the basket I held out.

  I rummaged in my little drawstring bag for the right amount of coins, and added some extra, for I was sure his family needed it. When I handed him the coins, he did not count them, but simply took them and smiled faintly. “I haven’t seen you here, Julia. I know you’ve always loved to come to the market, even though you’ve never needed to, having servants and all. What happened?” he asked, lowering his voice.

  I looked away. What could I tell him? Not the whole truth, surely. “Gregory does not like for me to go out. He does not know I have come,” I answered with a sigh.

  Adam’s face lightened. His lips curled into a delighted smile and he laughed. Some of the anger and bitterness left his eyes. “Now that’s the Julia Kendrick I remember. Not afraid to swim against the current — no matter what she’s expected to do.”

  I smiled in response. “Oh, I try. But it’s Smith now.” I regretted those words as soon as they were out of my mouth.

  Adam’s eyes darkened. “And well I know it.” The bitterness had returned to his voice. “I do not need you to remind me, Juliana.” He turned away from me. “I must get back to work. I have seven younger brothers and sisters to provide for.”

  His words, and the coldness in which he said them, stung. But I supposed I deserved that. “Adam, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be unkind. What happened to your father?”

  Adam glanced back at me but continued to walk away. “He died last month, Juliana. Mother is ill. It’s just me, and I have to make sure I have enough money to feed us and pay for Mother’s medicine. Unlike you, we don’t have everything handed to us on a silver platter,” he snapped.

  “In case you’ve forgotten, Adam, I did not choose this life. Nor do I like it.”

  Adam laughed, a caustic laugh I had never heard from him before. “Why not? You don’t have to work for anything. You get everything handed to you, including a husband.”

  “How dare you, Adam!” I yelled. Some passersby glanced at us, but continued on their way. I lowered my voice until it was almost a whisper. “You know very well that I didn’t want to marry Gregory Smith. You also know whom I did want to marry. Unfortunately, as you also know, my father gave me no choice in the matter.” I turned away from him. “I must get home.”

  “Do go,” Adam said wearily from behind me. I turned and pushed through the crowd, almost blinded by tears. I hadn’t wanted to fight with Adam.

  Furiously, I blinked back the tears, not wanting them to be noticed. “Silver platters. What does he know!” I said under my breath as I walked back to my mansion. By the time I arrived my anger had dissipated. I understood Adam’s feelings and wished I had said things differently. I thought Adam probably wished the same thing.

  I hurried up the stairs and entered the house. I slowly slipped off my cloak as Gregory walked into the hall. “Where have you been, Julia?” he asked harshly.

  I turned to look at him, cloak in hand, surprised he was home already. “I went to the market. I got some apples for us,” I answered softly.

  “I told you not to go out,” he said with a scowl.

  I looked at him with newfound fear. “I am not a child, Gregory.” My voice shook with emotion. “I do not see why I should have to stay in the house.” This came out with more confidence.

  Gregory tried to soften his tone. “I know you do not see why, Juliana. You are a beautiful young woman. I just don’t want you to be hurt. And, pe
rhaps more importantly, you took a vow to obey me. Or have you forgotten already?”

  I put my cloak on an ornate wooden hook and glared at him. He had taken me from my happy life for his own; the least he could do was allow me some freedom of movement. I truly wanted peace between my husband and myself. Perhaps affection was too much to expect, but surely we could have peace in our home. But now I began to doubt it, and I was tired of being confined to the house and grounds like a captive! “Vow or not, it is wrong for you to keep me prisoner.”

  I realized too late that my words were unwise. To me it was clear that Gregory’s restrictions imprisoned me, but it seemed he did not like to hear the accusation. His face reddened and his fists clenched. As soon as I said the word “prisoner” he struck me.

  My face felt as though it had exploded. I staggered back against the wall, screaming in fear and pain until my vision darkened and I collapsed to the floor.

  I do not know how much later it was that I opened my eyes to find myself half sitting against the wall. Gregory was next to me holding a cool cloth to my face. “I am sorry, Juliana. I am so sorry. I did not mean to hurt you. All you all right?” he asked anxiously.

  My eyes tried to focus on him. Fear coursed through me. “Do not touch me,” I gasped. My jaw did not seem to work properly. I lifted my hand up to touch my face and instantly pulled it away when the pain rushed to the surface, sharp and undeniable. I closed my eyes as Gregory put the cool cloth over that side of my face again. It felt good. “Why did you hit me?” I asked, my voice quavering.

  “Julia, please don’t. Do not talk about it. Let us forget this and start over,” he pleaded with a gentleness I rarely heard.

  I did not see how it would be possible to ever forget being struck by my husband, nor did I think I could forgive him, even if he were to ask for forgiveness. Yet I reasoned that perhaps I had brought this down on myself.

  Before I married, I had been instructed not to question my husband’s judgement, or say anything he might interpret as criticism. It was not supposed to be the place of a wife to do so, and a man whose pride was wounded was apt to become angry. I thought that was unjust, but it was the way of a wife, my mother said.

  “It is true that I took a vow to obey you, Gregory. But did you not also vow to protect me? I should not have said what I did, and for that I am sorry. Please, just take me to bed. I don’t feel well.”

  Gregory frowned at my reply, but said, as he lifted me carefully in his arms, “Is there anyone I can send for to stay with you? I must go back out.”

  I felt dizzy and kept my eyes closed. “My sister. Bring my sister to me,” I murmured before darkness swept over me again.

  Hours later I heard someone calling my name. “Julia. Julia, please talk to me,” a woman’s gentle voice coaxed. I pulled myself towards the voice. “That’s right, Julia. Wake up.”

  “Crystal,” I mumbled, cracking my eyes open. There was a cool wet washcloth on my forehead. My sister’s face came into focus.

  “Aye. It is I. Are you all right? You have been asleep for hours. What happened?” she asked.

  I stared at her and rubbed my eyes. “Gregory hit me.” My throat was parched and I could barely speak.

  “He hit you?” Crystal hissed, horrified. “Why?”

  “I made him angry. He does not allow me to go out, and when he was not home I went to the market. I was defiant when he rebuked me. I said he was wrong to forbid me. I provoked him.”

  “Julia, I disagree. You do not deserve that. Of course he should not have hit you.”

  I slowly sat up. My head still throbbed, but the pain was tolerable now. “It does not matter. I need to learn to behave as a good wife is expected to.”

  Crystal shook her head. “It is not right. Your husband should not strike you. I am sure Papa has never struck our mother.”

  I nodded. “I know. But he apologized. And I should have spoken more carefully. I do not think he will do it again.”

  Crystal frowned. “I hope you’re right, Julia. In any case, if you are well enough, I will leave. Gregory is downstairs in the parlor. I discouraged him from coming up because I wanted to speak with you alone first. Can you stand?”

  “I shall try.” I swung my legs over the side of the bed. Slowly I rose to my feet. Pain throbbed on the right side of my face. But I could stand, and that was good. I moved slowly past my sister to the desk across the room. I took a small piece of paper and ink well, but paused. “I saw Adam today,” I whispered. “He was selling fruit at the market.”

  “Did you speak with him?” Crystal asked, moving to my side. She put a hand on my shoulder.

  I nodded. “It was not exactly a happy meeting. We spoke unkindly to one another. He said I should be happy with my life because I have everything handed to me, when he was to work to feed his family,” I said lightly, not wanting Crystal to know how much Adam’s words had hurt me.

  Crystal shook her head. “Surely, he did not mean it, Juliana. He is just upset over what happened.”

  “He is not the only one who did not mean what they said. I spoke harshly to him, too. I don’t know if he will be willing to talk to me again, but I shall give you a note. Will you bring it to him, Crystal?” I began to write, but my sister laid her hand on my arm.

  “You mustn’t, Julia! You are a married woman. And if your husband struck you for a little disrespect, what would he do if he knew about a note to Adam?”

  How could my little sister have more wisdom than I? But she did. “Perhaps you are right, Sister. How foolish of me. But, would you speak to him tomorrow and give him a message for me, at least?”

  She assented.

  “Tell him I am sorry, and I would like to meet him one more time, so as to part on better terms. You will be able to arrange with him a safe place for us to meet, will you not?”

  “I shall try. Tomorrow.”

  I nodded, smiling. But then I remembered and pled with Crystal not to tell Adam about Gregory having hit me.

  Crystal looked at me strangely for a minute. “As you wish, Julia.”

  “Thank you,” I said with a sigh of relief as Crystal left the room. Gregory came in a minute or two later. Had he been listening at the door? I looked at him, and thought perhaps the concern in his eyes and manner was sincere. That gave me hope.

  “Julia, how are you?”

  I turned away. “I am feeling a little better, not that it is any thanks to you, my husband.”

  “Juliana,” he whispered, “if you behave, it won’t happen again.” He touched my shoulder gently. In spite of the gentleness of the action, his words caused me to doubt his previous apology.

  I moved away pointedly and turned towards the stairs. I had slept all afternoon. It was evening now and I wanted some food. “Aye, dear. I suppose that is true. I want some food.” I answered and proceeded carefully down the stairs. Gregory followed me.

  “Of course, Natalie, bring some food for Juliana,” he called down to our cook. I ignored everyone and slowly sat down at the table. Natalie brought a plate filled with food into the dining room. I ate eagerly.

  After a while, I slowed my pace and looked up at my husband. “Well. Are you going to let me go out when I wish to?” I asked conversationally.

  Gregory sighed. “Aye. You may, but only under certain conditions, my wife. You may go with a escort and may not go every day.”

  I nodded and shoved some more food down my throat. It was not my normal manner of eating, but I was famished. “An improvement at least,” I said quietly after swallowing.

  Gregory smiled. “Good,” he said.

  About an hour later, we retired. Gregory fell asleep quickly, but I lay awake long afterwards. I tried to sleep, but the day’s events disturbed me too much. I relived the pain and shock I had felt when Gregory struck me. Even the sound of his fist against my flesh and bone echoed in my mind. The still-persistent pain also played its part in making sleep elusive. Then too, I remembered the quarrel with Adam. I had no idea how he wa
s going to react to my message but I felt compelled to do something to leave things in a more amicable state between us. I just hoped he was willing to talk to me. I also prayed to God that my sister kept her word and said nothing to him about what happened between Gregory and me. I didn’t want him to know we were already having problems. And I certainly didn’t want his pity. My eyes closed again and eventually sleep came.

  ***

  The next morning I woke long after Gregory had left. I dragged myself out of bed and put on a blue dress. A maid helped me with my hair and I proceeded downstairs. David looked at me with curiosity; and I knew it was because the right side of my face was black and blue. I was just finishing my breakfast when Crystal arrived. I waved the servants out of the room and forced my mouth to make a painful smile.

  “Sit down, Crystal. Did you deliver my message?” I asked quietly.

  “Aye. I have just come from the market. He also thought it best not to write his reply. He said this evening at the fountain, after twilight.”

  The thought made me smile until the movement brought me pain. “This evening at the fountain after twilight.” Somehow repeating it made it more real. “I shall tell Gregory that I am meeting you there.”

  Crystal nodded. “And I shall meet you there, so no one has reason to be suspicious.”

  “Thank you, Crystal. That would be prudent.”

  I walked with my sister to the gate. “Until this evening then,” she said. “Be careful, Julia.”

  When I entered the house my husband’s valet stood in the hallway. David seemed to have been watching me walk up the stone path and he was smiling. His smile, however was not at all a pleasant one. “Mistress Julia,” he said with a slight incline of his head. It was odd; though he would not have dared ask me about my plans, the question seemed implicit in his manner. I did deign to reply, nor pause as I entered.