Louise Rennison_Georgia Nicolson 06 Read online

  Table of Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Dedication

  Contents

  A Note from Georgia

  Jas, Your Spaceship has Arrived, Please Get in

  Let the Nuddy-Pants Bison-Disco-Inferno Dance Commence!

  Howdy, Hamburger-A-Gogo Land, Brace Yourselves for a Knicker Invasion

  Bum Bum Bum, Bum-Oley Bum Bum, and Good Afternoon, Officer

  But Soft, What Pants Through Yonder Window Breaks

  The Big Furry Paw of Fate

  Glossary

  About the Author

  Other Books by Georgia Nicolson

  Credits

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  Louise Rennison

  Then He Ate My Boy Entrancers

  Confessions of Georgia Nicolson

  In memory and love for the boys,

  Oscar Kakoschka and Arthur Hewlings.

  God bless.

  Contents

  A Note from Georgia

  Jas, Your Spaceship has Arrived, Please Get in

  Let the Nuddy-Pants Bison-Disco-Inferno Dance Commence!

  Howdy, Hamburger-A-Gogo Land, Brace Yourselves for a Knicker Invasion

  Bum Bum Bum, Bum-Oley Bum Bum, and Good Afternoon, Officer

  But Soft, What Pants Through Yonder Window Breaks

  The Big Furry Paw of Fate

  Glossary

  About the Author

  Other Books by Georgia Nicolson

  Credits

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  Luuuurve to the fabbest family a girl could have, mutti, vati, Soshie, Johnboy, Eduardo, Hons, Bibbity, Kimbo.

  Jolly, Arrow, Millie and the three remaining chickens, the Kiwi-a-gogo and Isle of Wight branches of mayhem.

  And of course to the ace mates: Salty Dog “of course you haven’t broken it, you fool, otherwise you couldn’t speak” Pringle, Mizz Morgan, Elton, Jimjams, Guildford calling, Phil and Ruth in Froggland, Jeddbox, Big Fat Bobbins, Kim “you can have that one, mate” and Sandy; Jools and the Mogul, Lozzer or Mrs. Bridges as I know you, Ian the computer, Jenks, the Hewlings and the Willans (yes, that means you, Candy), Baggy Aggiss and Jo, B and J, Mrs. H. and Dan, Alan “it’s not a perm” Davies, Jo Good(ish). And of course to Stewpot and Sue (please no more jokes about snot). Big luuurve to Mirella, Dave and the very gorgey Mattea.

  Ay up to the Northern branch: The Cock, Ann-Marie, Katy and Patrick; to the ace gang from Parklands: Rosie, Barbara, Christine C, Linda, Ali and everyone.

  Love to the Captain and thank you for letting me using your togglestick thing.

  To the St. Nicks crew for everything and in particular to Dezza the vicar for joy and love and the APPALLING jokes about farting. (And also to young Phil and family…just love, nothing to do with farting.)

  Also a big kiss to the new cruise mates: Bungalow Steve, Dancing Steve, Simon the Rock God and Adele, Ironing Tony and Marg.

  Thank you to Karen for the lovely frocks.

  Finally thank you to everyone at my work family of HarperCollins. Bye-bye, lovely Alix Reid, I’ll miss you A LOT. Thank you for being my big friend. Hello to Tara Weikum, my new editor, and to Cindy Tamasi, my on the road pal and co-inventor of the shoulder dance.

  P.S. Hahahaha, you thought I had finally shut up, didn’t you!!!! But finally thank you to all the fabby readers of my books and all of you who have sent me such lovely letters (and now and again inscribed thongs…). I luuuurve you all. I do.

  A Note from Georgia

  Dear chummettes and chums,

  I hope you are alrighty as two alrighty things. I am, though ONCE AGAIN I am full of exhaustosity. I have been to Hamburger-a-gogo land to see for myself the nation that cannot be bothered to put the “i” in the second half of words…like aluminium, for instance, which you lazy cats spell aluminum. Where would we be if none of us could be bothered to finish off our words properly? I’ll tell you where we would be, we would be up shi cree withou a padd…that’s where. However, I don’t want you to think that just because you speak a foreign language I do not luuurve you, because I do. There are many many things that I luurve you for, and they are described here in my new oeuvre.

  As you will see, I have reached new heights of sophisticosity in this latest of my oeuvres…boys, lipstick, snogging, red bottomosity, jokes about sausages and pants…the list is endless.

  I do this, as I said, because I love you.

  P.S.

  You don’t know what oeuvre means, do you? It has probably got too many vowels in it for your liking.

  P.P.S.

  You think it is French for eggs, don’t you? Like oeuf.

  P.P.P.S.

  You think I have been saying that I have just finished writing my new egg.

  P.P.P.P.S.

  Look it up in the glossary, you lazy minxes, I am far too tired to explain. I have to go and have a lie-down on my snogging emporium (bean bag)…zzzzzzzzzzzz

  jas, your spaceship has arrived, please get in

  saturday may 7th

  10:05 a.m.

  Sun shining like a big yellow shining…er, warmey planet on fire thing.

  Yesssssssss!

  I am quite literally not wandering lonely as a clud, in fact I am treading lightly in the Universe of the Very Nearly Quite Happy.

  10:10 a.m.

  Something full of miraculosity has happened. My vati, world-renowned fool and paid-up member of the Big Twit Club, has for once in his entire life accidentally done something good. We are going to Hamburger-a-gogo land! Honestly.

  And guess who is there already? Besides a lot of people in huge psychedelic shorts and that bloke who is half chicken, half colonel. I’ll tell you who is there, the Luuurve God is there!!! Masimo, the Italian Stallion, has gone to visit his olds, leaving me, his new, lurker-free-almost-nearly girlfriend back here in Billy Shakespeare land. So he thinks! Imagine how thrilled he will be when I pop up and say “Howdy!” Or whatever it is they say over there.

  Let the overseas Snog Fest begin!

  10:15 a.m.

  The only fly in the ointmosity of life is that Vati is making us go to some crap clown-car convention.

  10:20 a.m.

  And Uncle Eddie, the baldest man on the planet, is coming with us.

  10:25 a.m.

  Still, with a bit of luck they will both be arrested for indecent exposure when they don their leather motoring trousers.

  10:30 a.m.

  Filled with the joie de vivre that is so much a part of my attractive but modest personality, I phoned my bestest pally.

  “Jas, it is mich, your sehr guttest pally; I am calling you mit wunderbar news!”

  “Oh God. Look, it’s only a week till Tom leaves and we were just sorting out my—”

  “Jas, I cannot waste time discussing your knicker collection; that is between you and Tom…quite literally…hahahahaha. Do you get it? Do you get it? Knickers…between you and Hunky…Do you…”

  But as I should have known from long and tiring experience, it is useless to waste my wit on Jassy. So I cut to my nub and gist.

  “I am going to Hamburger-a-gogo land to meet Masimo the Luuurve God of the Universe and Beyond. And back.”

  “No you’re not.”

  “I am.”

  “How?”

  I explained to Jas about the trip and the “Howdy!” business and everything, but as usual she displayed cold waterosity.

  “Where is Masimo going to be in Hamburger-a-gogo land?”

  “Ahaha!!!”


  “You don’t know, do you?’

  “Well, not yet, but—”

  “He could be anywhere.”

  “I know, but how big can America be???”

  “It’s huge.”

  I laughed. Nothing was going to spoil my peachy mood, let alone swotty nit-picking from Ms. Big Pantaloonies.

  I said, “Is it as huge as your gym knickers?”

  There was silence.

  “Jas, come on, be happy for me.”

  “It’s all very well for you, you can just fancy anyone, but it’s different with Tom and me—he’s off to Kiwi-a-gogo and I will be left here all on my owney.”

  Oh good grief.

  Hunky is only going to the Land of the Big White Clots for a couple of weeks, but I am still going to have to listen to her moaning and rambling on about the twig-collecting years. However, before she could start raving on about mollusks and cuckoo spit, I had a flash of inspirationosity.

  “Jas, listen, I have a plan of such geniosity that I have even surprised myself, and might give myself some sort of award.”

  She didn’t even say “What is it?” There was just silence.

  I said, “Aren’t you even going to ask me what it is, Jas?”

  “It’s bound to be stupid.”

  “Oh cheers, thanks a lot. Well, I won’t bother you with it, then. Even though it involves you and your happiness and is très bon and also vair vair gut. Au revoir. Bonne chance.”

  And I put the phone down. Even Jas cannot spoil my mood. Lalalalalalala.

  11:00 a.m.

  Better start planning my wardrobe for the Luuurve trail. What do the Hamburgese wear? Cowboy hats, I suppose.

  11:10 a.m.

  From what I hear, the Hamburgese are a bit strict hygiene-wise. They’re always in the shower and so on. It is to be hoped the customs man doesn’t glance inside Libby’s bag and find her nighttime blankie, otherwise we will all be buggered.

  Oh, so many things to worry about, I think I will have a little zizz to relax myself and then plan my cosmetic routine.

  11:11 a.m.

  Fat chance.

  “Gingey! Gingey, it’s meeeeeeee!!! I have just been to the lavatreeeeee!”

  My darling sister has kicked open my bedroom door. Hurrah.

  11:13 a.m.

  Oh good, and she has her “fwends” with her, Scuba Diving Barbie, Charlie Horse, a parsnip and cross-eyed Gordy. Gordy is under house arrest because he has not had the immunization injections he needs before he is set loose into the wild jungle world of our street. I’d like to see the germ hard enough to take him on.

  As they all snuggled comfortably into my bed the phone rang downstairs and Dad answered it.

  Vati yelled up: “Georgia, quickly, one of your mates wants to talk rubbish with you for an hour or two on her father’s phone.”

  He has not got the flare of charm, my vati; but on the other hand, what he has got are my tickets to paradise. I must remember that, however ludicrous he is, he has bought me a passage to the Luuurve Machine.

  Masimo-a-gogo!!!

  I shouted down: “Thank you, Papa, I’ll be down immediately and perhaps later I will entertain you with my piano playing.”

  We haven’t got a piano, but it is the thought that counts.

  11:15 a.m.

  It was Jazzy Spazzy…tee-hee. I knew she would crumble and want to know my plan.

  I said, “So, now do you want to know what my plan is?”

  “If you like.”

  “No, Jas, you are still not showing enthusiosity. Try harder.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Yes, you can: gird your loins and so on, laugh and the world laughs at you. Come on, you do really want to know my plan, especially as it concerns you, my little hairy pally.”

  “I’m not hairy.”

  “Have it your own way, but don’t go near any circuses.”

  “Shut up. Go on, then, tell me your plan. Although unless you are going to give me the money to go to Kiwi-a-gogo with Tom, I don’t—”

  “Jas, forget about Hunky, he will be too busy lying around in streams with Robbie and hugging marsupials to get up to anything. This is about you and me on the road.”

  “What road?”

  “OK, this is it: when I go to Hamburger-a-gogo…you come with me! Do you see??? Driving across America, you and me. We will be like Thelma and Louise!!!”

  “We’re not called Thelma and Louise.”

  “I know that, I am just saying we will be LIKE THEM.”

  “And we’re not American.”

  “I know that, but I—”

  “And neither of us can drive.”

  Oh dear God.

  I said, “Jas, your spaceship has arrived, please get in.”

  12:00 p.m.

  Aha, ha, ha. Jazzy Spazzy has finally come to her senses (ish). She has got the scent of funosity in her nostrils and wants to come to Hamburger-a-gogo land A LOT. So now all we have to do is get our parents to let us. We have a two-pronged plan.

  Prong One is a charm offensive on our muttis and vatis to persuade them to let Jas come to America with me. (And also to give her squillions of squids for spenderoonies.) We are going to be really nice and sweet and listen to them ramble on about the Beatles. I’ve been practicing my pleading and they would have to be made of stone not to give me the entire contents of their wallets.

  However, if that fails and they say no, we launch Prong Two: Relentless Moaning. You know the kind of thing.

  “All my other friends are allowed to take a mate on holiday with them. How come I am the ONLY person in the universe who is not allowed to take a mate on holiday? Why is it just me? Why? Why oh why oh why?”

  “Why?”

  “It is sooo unfair.”

  “Why?”

  9:10 p.m.

  Outside the front-room door.

  Right, this is it. I’ve got my old Teletubbies jimjams on for maximosity on the lovablenosity front.

  Mutti and Vati were on the sofa curled round each other; I could clearly see Mum’s knickers. Erlack. And the curtains were open; anyone could see in. A fat bloke passing by might think it was a brothel for the porkier gentleman. I was going to say that, but then I remembered my prongs. So I said, “Good evening, Mother, Father.”

  Vati said, “How much?” without even looking at me. I laughed attractively.

  “Oh, Papa, this is not a material matter, it is to do with friendship and love and—”

  Mum said, “I don’t care how many of your friends have had their navels pierced; you are not.”

  “But I—”

  But she was still rambling on.

  “Ditto tattoos.”

  “But I—”

  Vati joined in.

  “And no, you cannot have a flat in Paris and a manservant to help with your homework.”

  Oh, how I nearly laughed. Not. I thought about telling Dad that Rosie said he looked like a brothel madam in his flying helmet and leather jacket, but then I remembered my charm prong and forced a little grin to play around my mouth.

  “You two!!! Always kidding about, you cheeky minxes! Anyway, all it is really is that, well, you know, Jas is all miz because of Tom going to Kiwi-a-gogo and, well…You know she is my pal, and…well, it would be nice for me if, you know…Anyway, can she?”

  Vati said, “Can she what? Move in? Levitate? What?”

  I bit the whatsit.

  “Can she come with us to Hamburger-a-gogo land?”

  10:00 p.m.

  Both of our parents have said yes. Unbelievable. Actually, I am not that amazed that Jas’s parents said yes because they are on the whole not entirely mad. But my parents? Weird.

  It is a miracle for which I would normally thank Jesus—he does seem to be coming up trumps lately. I lost Robbie to the snogging possums but then Jesus sent me a replacement Luuurve God. Hurray! As I say, I would normally thank Jesus personally by laying gi
fts at his feet—or foot, actually, because one of his feet snapped off—however, there is a bit of a problem. Libby has been rifling around in my room and she has nicked my statue of him. I’m afraid Jesus is not quite himself since. The last time I saw him he had a frock on and Libby was calling him Sandra, Barbie’s new bestest pal.

  I don’t think God will hold it against us, as he is, after all, a merciful God.

  10:10 p.m.

  Unless you happen to be that snake in the Garden of Eden. Snakey only asked “Anyone fancy a bit of apple?” and then God made him crawl around on his belly for eternity. Seems a bit harsh. (Although, as I pointed out to Miss Wilson in our interesting talks in R.E., if you were a snake in the first place, being made to crawl around on your belly for the rest of your days doesn’t actually seem that bad. Almost like being a snake in fact. I mean this with all reverencosity. I just have a lively mind.)

  Oooohhhhh, I am so excited, I can’t wait to tell the ace gang.

  I even kissed my own father AGAIN. This is twice in two days. I must be a bit feverish.

  in my bedroom

  Libby, Gordy, Sandra and Barbie are all snoozing. They look so lovely and cozy. Our Lord, now heavily rouged, is next to Libby’s feet. I don’t know why she likes to sleep upside down. Perhaps because it is very scary waking up to see Gordy looking cross-eyed at you.

  I looked out the window as I did my alternate-nostril breathing.

  It is vair vair calming. You pinch one nostril closed and then breathe in through the other one and then hold your breath and then let the pinched-up one go and breathe out of that. And then you…well, anyway, all I can say is that Lord Buddha did it and he didn’t just do it for nothing.

  one minute later

  I hope it is not like bodybuilding. I don’t want to be really calm and have massive nostrils.

  two minutes later

  For once Mr. Next Door has done something nice. He has built a sort of anti-cat fence out of barbed wire on the top of his wall. Angus will really like it. He gets a bit bored with leaping down onto the Prat Poodles and riding them round. He is the sort of cat who needs a bit of a challenge.

  five minutes later

  Oh, here comes Supercat with Naomi. As usual with his head up her bottom.

  one minute later

  Aha! He has removed his head and he has seen the new fencey. He luuurves the fencey.

  four minutes later

  Old Nimble Paws did this beyond-fabby thing. He did a vertical jump! From standing on the wall he just shot straight up in the air and over the fence.