The Wit And Wisdom Of Discworld Read online
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First published in Great Britain in 2007 by Doubleday an imprint of Transworld Publishers
Copyright © Terry and Lyn Pratchett and Stephen Briggs 2007
Terry Pratchett has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.
Discworld ® is a trademark registered by Terry Pratchett
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
ISBN 9780385611770
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Quotations from the first twenty-one Discworld novels and The Last Hero reproduced by kind permission of Victor Gollancz Ltd. Quotations from The Amazing Maurice and his Educated Rodents, The Wee Free Men, A Hat Full of Sky and Wintersmith reproduced by kind permission of Random House Children’s Books.
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CONTENTS
Cover
Title
Copyright
Indroduction
THROUGH THE WARDROBE INTO DISCWORLD
1 THE COLOUR OF MAGIC
2 THE LIGHT FANTASTIC
3 EQUAL RITES
4 MORT
5 SOURCERY
6 WYRD SISTERS
7 PYRAMIDS
8 GUARDS! GUARDS!
9 ERIC
10 MOVING PICTURES
11 REAPER MAN
12 WITCHES ABROAD
13 SMALL GODS
14 LORDS AND LADIES
15 MEN AT ARMS
16 SOUL MUSIC
17 INTERESTING TIMES
18 MASKERADE
19 FEET OF CLAY
20 HOGFATHER
21 JINGO
22 THE LAST CONTINENT
23 CARPE JUGULUM
24 THE FIFTH ELEPHANT
26 THE TRUTH
26 THIEF OF TIME
27 THE LAST HERO
28 NIGHT WATCH
29 THE AMAZING MAURICE AND HIS EDUCATED RODENTS
30 THE WEE FREE MEN
31 MONSTROUS REGIMENT
32 A HAT FULL OF SKY
33 GOING POSTAL
34 THUD!
35 WINTERSMITH
36 MAKING MONEY
Index
BOOKS BY TERRY PRATCHETT
FOR YOUNGER READERS
THE BROMELIAD TRILOGY
(containing Truckers, Diggers and Wings)
TRUCKERS
DIGGERS
WINGS
THE CARPET PEOPLE
ONLY YOU CAN
SAVE MANKIND
JOHNNY AND THE DEAD
JOHNNY AND THE BOMB
THE JOHNNY MAXWELL TRILOGY
(containing Only You Can Save Mankind,
Johnny and the Dead and Johnny and the Bomb)
JOHNNY AND THE DEAD
playscript (adapted by Stephen Briggs)
DISCWORLD FOR YOUNGER READERS
THE AMAZING MAURICE AND HIS EDUCATED RODENTS
THE AMAZING MAURICE AND HIS EDUCATED RODENTS
playscript (adapted by Stephen Briggs)
THE WEE FREE MEN
A HAT FULL OF SKY
WINTERSMITH
FOR ADULTS OF ALL AGES THE DISCWORLD® SERIES
THE COLOUR OF MAGIC
THE LIGHT FANTASTIC
EQUAL RITES
MORT
SOURCERY
WYRD SISTERS
PYRAMIDS
GUARDS! GUARDS!
ERIC
MOVING PICTURES
REAPER MAN
WITCHES ABROAD
SMALL GODS
LORDS AND LADIES
MEN AT ARMS
SOUL MUSIC
INTERESTING TIMES
MASKERADE
FEET OF CLAY
HOGFATHER
JINGO
THE LAST CONTINENT
CARPE JUGULUM
THE FIFTH ELEPHANT
THE TRUTH
THIEF OF TIME
NIGHT WATCH
MONSTROUS REGIMENT
GOING POSTAL
THUD!
MAKING MONEY
THE COLOUR OF MAGIC – GRAPHIC NOVEL
THE LIGHT FANTASTIC – GRAPHIC NOVEL
MORT: A DISCWORLD BIG COMIC
(illustrated by Graham Higgins)
GUARDS! GUARDS!: A DISCWORLD BIG COMIC
(adapted by Stephen Briggs, illustrated by Graham Higgins)
SOUL MUSIC: THE ILLUSTRATED SCREENPLAY
WYRD SISTERS: THE ILLUSTRATED SCREENPLAY MORT – THE PLAY
(adapted by Stephen Briggs)
WYRD SISTERS – THE PLAY
(adapted by Stephen Briggs)
GUARDS! GUARDS! – THE PLAY
(adapted by Stephen Briggs)
MEN AT ARMS – THE PLAY
(adapted by Stephen Briggs)
MASKERADE
(adapted for the stage by Stephen Briggs)
CARPE JUGULUM
(adapted for the stage by Stephen Briggs)
LORDS AND LADIES
(adapted for the stage by Irana Brown)
INTERESTING TIMES
(adapted for the stage by Stephen Briggs)
THE FIFTH ELEPHANT
(adapted for the stage by Stephen Briggs)
THE TRUTH
(adapted for the stage by Stephen Briggs)
THE SCIENCE OF DISCWORLD
(with Ian Stewart and Jack Cohen)
THE SCIENCE OF DISCWORLD II: THE GLOBE
(with Ian Stewart and Jack Cohen)
THE DISCWORLD COMPANION
(with Stephen Briggs)
THE STREETS OF ANKH-MORPORK
(with Stephen Briggs)
THE DISCWORLD MAPP
(with Stephen Briggs)
A TOURIST GUIDE TO LANCRE – A DISCWORLD MAPP
(with Stephen Briggs and Paul Kidby)
DEATH’S DOMAIN
(with Paul Kidby)
NANNY OGG’S COOKBOOK
(with Stephen Briggs, Tina Hannan and Paul Kidby)
THE PRATCHETT PORTFOLIO
(with Paul Kidby)
THE LAST HERO
(with Paul Kidby)
T
HE CELEBRATED DISCWORLD ALMANAK
(with Bernard Pearson)
THE ART OF DISCWORLD
(with Paul Kidby)
WHERE’S MY COW?
THE UNSEEN UNIVERSITY CUT-OUT BOOK
(with Bernard Pearson)
GOOD OMENS
(with Neil Gaiman)
STRATA
THE DARK SIDE OF THE SUN
THE UNADULTERATED CAT
(cartoons by Gray Jolliffe)
also available in audio/CD published by Victor Gollancz
published by Samuel French published by Methuen Drama
published by Ebury Press published by Oxford University Press
THROUGH THE WARDROBE INTO DISCWORLD
IT WAS THE WIT OF TERRY PRATCHETT THAT FIRST ATTRACTED ME to the books, and which then led to my pushing past the fur coats and finding myself in his magical world - thankfully devoid of Turkish delight and talking beavers.
One of the big questions about Discworld for a newcomer is ‘Where do I start?’ This is a tricky one. For every diehard fan of Rincewind there’s an advocate for Small Gods. For everyone who loves the ‘Witch’ or ‘City Watch’ books, there is another who prefers the ‘one theme’ books, such as Soul Music and Moving Pictures. I, as it happens, kicked off with Mort.
Terry writes fantasy - but his books are grounded firmly in reality. They contain heroes (not many), cowards, villains, bigots, crooks, the strong-willed and the weak-willed. Sometimes they are human. A lot of the time they are not. The series extends across many genres and deals with real issues. But Terry uses his wit to sharpen his pen; the humour in the books can be dark, and it can be so corny you may groan out loud as you read him on the train.
In producing this book, I have not tried to extract every single gag and witty exchange from the series. There are too many, and to do that, I might just as well have tied a set of the novels up with string and added a tag: ‘The Complete Wit of Pratchett’.
What I have done is re-read every book in the canon, and pull out the extracts that appealed to me. Sometimes they’ll be a page long, sometimes they’ll be a single line of text. Sometimes a really good gag has been omitted because it needs the buildup that the novel can give but which would take too long to set up in a book of quotations. Here and there, I’ve had to change the odd word, or omit the occasional phrase, to help the quotation work outside its context in the novel.
The extracts are presented book by book, in the order in which they were published. Each book’s section starts with the cover blurb (which in most cases was written by Terry), to give you the same sort of idea of the novel’s plot as you’d get if you were browsing the shelves of your local bookstore.
IT’S A BIG BOOK
DO I HAVE TO READ IT ALL AT ONCE?
Don’t panic: you don’t need to sit and read this book section by section, from cover to cover. This is more of a ‘dip into’ book. If you’re new to Terry’s novels, this cornucopia of snippets may inspire you to go out and buy and read one - or more - of them. Oh, and the maps, diaries, audio books, scarf… As for you keen Discworld readers, what I hope is that, as you browse through this book - by torchlight under the covers last thing at night, smeared with sun lotion on a beach in Greece, on a long coach trip, sat on the privy - you’ll find some of your favourite pieces from the Discworld canon. I haven’t had the luxury of doing my research in any of these exotic locations - but I enjoyed the opportunity to wander once more through the roughly four million words which currently make up the series … around twice the complete wordage of the Bible and all Shakespeare’s plays.
Stephen Briggs
www.stephenbriggs.com / www.studiotheatreclub.com
ON a world supported on the back of a giant turtle (sex (sex unknown), a gleeful, explosive, wickedly eccentric expedition sets out. There’s an avaricious but inept wizard [Rincewind], a naive tourist [Twoflower] whose luggage moves on hundreds of dear little legs, dragons who only exist if you believe in them, and of course The Edge of the planet…
How it all began:
In a distant and second-hand set of dimensions, in an astral plane that was never meant to fly, the curling star-mists waver and part…
*
There was the theory that A’ Tuin had come from nowhere and would continue at a uniform crawl, or steady gait, into nowhere, for all time. This theory was popular among academics.
An alternative, favoured by those of a religious persuasion, was that A’ ‘Tuin was crawling from the Birthplace to the Time of Mating, as were all the stars in the sky which were, obviously, also carried by giant turtles. When they arrived they would briefly and passionately mate, for the first and only time, and from that fiery union new turtles would be born to carry a new pattern of worlds. This was known as the Big Bang hypothesis.
*
The twin city of Ankh-Morpork, foremost of all the cities bounding the Circle Sea, was as a matter of course the home of a large number of gangs, thieves’ guilds, syndicates and similar organizations. This was one of the reasons for its wealth.
*
The stranger smiled widely and fumbled yet again in the pouch. This time his hand came out holding a large gold coin. It was in fact slightly larger than an 8,000-dollar Ankhian crown and the design on it was unfamiliar, but it spoke inside Hugh’s mind in a language he understood perfectly. My current owner, it said, is in need of succour and assistance; why not give it to him, so you and me can go off somewhere and enjoy ourselves?
*
If complete and utter chaos was lightning, then he’d be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting ‘All gods are bastards’.
Tourist, Rincewind had decided, Meant ‘idiot’.
At about this time a hitherto unsuccessful fortune-teller living on the other side of the block chanced to glance into her scrying bowl, gave a small scream and, within the hour, had sold her jewellery, various magical accoutrements, most of her clothes and almost all her other possessions that could not be conveniently carried on the fastest horse she could buy. The fact that later on, when herhouse collapsed in flames, she herself died in a freak landslide in the Morpork Mountains, proves that Death, too, has a sense of humour.
*
The Patrician of Ankh-Morpork smiled, but with his mouth only.
*
‘I’m sure you won’t dream of trying to escape from your obligations by fleeing the city …’
‘I assure you the thought never even crossed my mind, lord.’
‘Indeed? Then if I were you I’d sue my face for slander.’
*
‘Ah, Gorphal,’ said the Patrician pleasantly. ‘Come in. Sit down. Can I press you to a candied starfish?’
‘I am yours to command, master,’ said the old man calmly. ‘Save, perhaps, in the matter of preserved echinoderms.’
*
There are said to be some mystic rivers - one drop of which can steal a man’s life away. After its turbid passage through the twin cities the Ankh could have been one of them.
*
That’s what’s so stupid about the whole magic thing … You spend twenty years learning the spell that makes nude virgins appear in your bedroom, and then you’re so poisoned by quicksilver fumes and half-blind from reading old grimoires that you can’t remember what happens next.
*
Death, on Discworld, is a character in his own right, and throughout the series is recognizable by always speaking IN BLOCK CAPITALS.
Death, insofar as it was possible in a face with no movable features, looked surprised. RLNCEWLND? … WHY ARE YOU HERE?
‘Urn, why not?’ said Rincewind.
I WAS SURPRISED THAT YOU JOSTLED ME, RINCEWIND. FOR I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT WITH THEE THIS VERY NIGHT.
‘Oh no, not—’
OF COURSE, WHAT’S SO BLOODY VEXING ABOUT THE WHOLE BUSINESS IS THAT I WAS EXPECTING TO MEET THEE IN PSEUDOPOLIS.
‘But that’s five hundred miles away!’
YO
U DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME, THE WHOLE SYSTEM’S GOT SCREWED UP AGAIN. I CAN SEE THAT.
*
I’LL GET YOU YET, CULLY, said Death, in a voice like the slamming of leaden coffin lids.
*
Death sat in His garden, running a whetstone along the edge of His scythe. It was already so sharp that any passing breeze that blew across it was sliced smoothly into two puzzled zephyrs.
*
‘Run away and leave Hrun with that thing?’ Twoflower said.
Rincewind looked blank. ‘Why not?’ he said. ‘It’s his job.’
‘But it’ll kill him!’
‘It could be worse,’ said Rincewind.
‘What?’
‘It could be us,’ Rincewind pointed out logically.
*
‘We’ve strayed into a zone with a high magical index,’ Rincewind said. ‘Don’t ask me how. Once upon a time a really powerful magic field must have been generated here, and we’re feeling the after-effects.’
‘Precisely’ said a passing bush.
*
‘You don’t understand!’ screamed the tourist, above the terrible noise of the wingbeats. ‘All my life I’ve wanted to see dragons!’
‘From the inside?’ shouted Rincewind.
*
‘You’re your own worst enemy, Rincewind,’ said the sword.
Rincewind looked up at grinning men.
‘Bet?’ he said wearily.
*
‘Well,’ said the voice. ‘You see, one of the disadvantages of being dead is that one is released as it were from the bonds of time and therefore I can see everything that has happened or will happen, all at the same time except that of course I now know that Time does not, for all practical purposes, exist.’
‘That doesn’t sound like a disadvantage,’ said Twoflower.
You don’t think so? Imagine every moment being at one and the same time a distant memory and a nasty surprise and you’ll see what I mean.’
I’d rather be a slave than a corpse.
Plants on the Disc, while including the categories known commonly as annuals, … and perennials, … also included a few rare reannuals which, because of an unusual four-dimensional twist in their genes, could be planted this year to come up last year. The vul nut vine was particularly exceptional in that it could flourish as many as eight years prior to its seed actually being sown. Vul nut wine was reputed to give certain drinkers an insight into the future which was, from the nut’s point of view, the past. Strange but true.