Laura Carroll Butler Read online

  “Johanna, isn’t it enough that we give each other pleasure? Why does it have to be more?”

  It would make her life so much easier if she could hate him. He was right; there could be no more. Davis would never allow her to marry Michael even if he wanted her. She could live off her income and Davis would never let her starve or be homeless. But she needed to marry well to enjoy the life she was accustomed to.

  “You knew who I was before this started, Johanna. I never promised anything.”

  Damn him, he was right! But why let that get in the way? “You don’t have to be so reasonable,” she said peevishly.

  “Would you rather I lie and make professions of love to you?”

  “There are worse things.”

  “You don’t want me to lie. You want someone honorable and decent who also knows how to thrill you. Those men don’t exist.”

  Johanna got out of bed and started to dress. “It is depressing to think that you may be right.”

  Michael folded his hands behind his head, his enjoyment in watching Johanna dress almost as great as watching her undress. She was physically lovely, but her sensuality was her most attractive feature. Too bad other men never had an opportunity to see her the way he did.

  “You will marry a gentleman,” he said, “And our time together will be just a memory that gives you a devilish smile and he will never understand why.”

  “You’re a bastard, Michael.”

  “You’re right,” he said rising to dress. “I should have left you alone when you came here. I’m sorry that I didn’t make it clear enough to you that nothing had changed.” Too much said, he realized, as he ducked from the candlestick that dented the wall. “Well then,” he said gathering the rest of his clothes. “I’ll finish getting dressed in my own room.”

  *************************

  That evening, Johanna had dinner in her room, citing a headache as her reason for not coming downstairs. Rebecca, still aglow from the time that she had spent with Davis had her dinner brought to Johanna’s room in order to keep her company. But Johanna was quiet throughout the meal and Rebecca didn’t linger, expecting Johanna wanted to rest.

  The next morning, Johanna remained in bed; by the afternoon, Davis was concerned enough to question if he should send for a doctor. “I suppose that it is grief over Father, but why so suddenly?” he asked in what Rebecca recognized as his concerned posture, one arm folded over his chest and rubbing his chin with the other hand.

  “If she is sick from grief, what can a doctor do for her?” Rebecca wondered.

  Before a decision was made, Michael suggested that he check on Johanna. When he went into her room, he saw that she was asleep. He sat next to her on the bed and touched her gently. She woke up and looked at him, torn between wanting to pull him closer and asking him to leave.

  “I am a cad,” Michael simply said. “I knew how vulnerable you were and I took advantage of you.”

  He was stroking her hand and it felt so good; she started to cry. “I am so frightened that I will be alone,” she said.

  “You will never be alone,” he protested pulling her into his warm arms. “Davis will always be there for you and—“

  “He is getting married and I have no one now that Father is gone,” she said bitterly.

  “Johanna, you slaved for that man and now you miss him? You have always deserved so much more! Don’t you understand how he kept you from finding someone who can love you the way you deserve to be loved?”

  Michael knew the machinations of Lord Edderle. During the years Johanna should have been dancing, courting and finding a husband, he had demanded that she care for him. There had been the second son of an Earl who loved her and would have made her happy. Edderle withheld his permission until she was 21, then refused to pay her dowry. The young man had no choice but to marry someone else. Now she was almost 30 and her time to be carefree was past. It broke Michael’s heart to know she was so miserable.

  “I love you, Johanna, just not the way you want to be loved; I would make you so unhappy if we married. You deserve to have some joy in your life.”

  “But who would have me now? I am not a young woman anymore. What if I have missed my chance?”

  “You have more than youth to offer. Not all men are shallow ruffians like me.” She smiled sadly at his self-deprecation. “Some are gentlemen,” he continued. “They will want a lady to settle with. You, Johanna, are a lady, title or no.” He kissed her tear-stained cheeks and her forehead. “You have your own life finally.”

  “It is not so easy for women, Michael.”

  “It is if you are brave. And you, Johanna, are so brave.”

  She wanted to lie in his arms forever. But Michael was right. He would never be able to give himself to only one woman and Johanna wanted to be with someone who loved her only.

  *************************

  Davis and Johanna decided that it would take time for the ghosts of St. Clare’s Abbey to dissipate. Until then, they agreed to close up the house and live in Mayfair. Rebecca sent a note to Susanne inviting her to join them at Davis’ home.

  Chapter Five

  When Susanne came to stay with Rebecca at Davis’ London home, she was in awe over the life her sister would have—the opulence, the wealth, the constant parties. She finally understood why Rebecca had worked so hard learning to be the perfect wife. She wanted to believe that she had tried very hard to learn her mother’s lessons on behaving like a lady. Success though was measured in the minutes she did not embarrass a member of the Newland family. She found it difficult to maintain modest bearing for any length of time.

  Susanne and Rebecca were complete opposites in manner, style and looks. Rebecca favored her mother, dark-haired, calm, patient and able to make others feel comfortable. She was the very image of womanly decency.

  Susanne was friendly, but sometimes too friendly and familiar for the artificial society Rebecca aspired to. Egging her along in her misbehavior was her father, Henry, who enjoyed undermining Sarah’s influence.

  She was her father’s favorite and Henry Newland made no secret of this fact. No matter how accomplished Tristan was in school, Henry criticized anything he saw in his son that he viewed as weakness. As a child, Tristan had a gift for healing. He patched up dogs, cats, horses, the occasional wild rabbit and even his sisters. But Henry saw no money in medicine and he held the purse strings. Tristan was a gentle child who grew to become a bitter and unhappy young man.

  Rebecca’s natural femininity was abhorred by Henry. She was soft like her mother and there was no place in Henry’s world for her. Rebecca was useful only if she made a decent marriage. Henry had done well himself marrying Sarah Covington, the third daughter of a baron. He used her dowry to build the profitable shoe factory Tristan now managed.

  There were six years between Tristan’s and Rebecca’s births. In between, Sarah had two miscarriages and two infants who lived only days. Henry blamed Sarah for her feebleness in not providing him with the large family he desired. His cruelty was more mental than physical, though he was not above the occasional slap. It hurt, but more because she had truly loved Henry when he courted her. It wasn’t until they were married that she realized his pretty speech and soft words were a façade and a means to her dowry.

  After Sarah gave birth to Rebecca, she finally bolted her door to keep Henry from visiting her bed. It was a small matter for him as there were plenty of women willing to take his abuse in return for the money and support he provided. He viewed it as a measure of his masculine importance that he kept these women fed as well as gifted them with the honor of lying with him.

  His favorite paramour was Susanne’s mother, Vanessa. Buxom and blonde, though pockmarked, Henry found her as lusty as he. Shortly after Rebecca was born, she became pregnant. Henry expected to raise this child alongside Tristan and Rebecca. Vanessa had no say in the matter, believing that she too would be installed in the household.

  Though the pregnancy and delivery w
ere uneventful, she died immediately after giving birth. Gossips whispered that Henry had her poisoned so he could have Sarah raise the child as her own. Regardless, he presented their daughter to his wife making it clear that if Susanne ever learned of her maternity, he would hold Sarah accountable. It was just another way to control Sarah.

  Sarah should have hated the child, should have treated her poorly, but it was not her nature. After all, it wasn’t Susanne’s fault her father was a bastard and her mother a cheap whore. Tristan and Rebecca were too young to remember anything more than having a baby sister whom their father preferred. Somehow they were shielded from the truth.

  Rebecca and Susanne were close as sisters, but as they matured young men were drawn to them for different reasons. Rebecca was beautiful, warm when she needed to be, but icy if a man was not courteous. Susanne was eager to please and willing to let the boys look and, sometimes, touch.

  When Susanne was 14, a former schoolmate of Tristan’s, Perry Wilborn stayed for a long holiday. He was a friendly young man, dashing and mysterious. Rebecca was polite but she kept him at a respectful distance for two reasons: she was not ready to look for a husband and he did not have the pedigree she sought.

  Susanne, on the other hand, was very interested and though not as finessed as Rebecca, she possessed a natural sensuality that Perry found more attractive. She made herself available to Perry, standing a little too close and touching him with a little too much intimacy. Perry was naturally flattered.

  Susanne was immediately receptive to his kisses and caresses, but anything more required days of persuasion for Perry. With declarations of love and the promise of a future together, she gave herself to him fully one evening after the household was asleep. His room was on the opposite side of the hall and she slipped into his bed wearing only a nightgown.

  His kisses were delicious, but when it came time for the actual act, she was tense and in pain as he tore into her. She had not expected to hurt. She also hadn’t expected to bleed. When she snuck back to her room, she was a sticky mess of blood and semen. The tears came after she had cleaned herself up when she remembered that in all the grunting and noise, “love” was never mentioned.

  The next morning at breakfast, Perry sat at the table acting as though nothing extraordinary had happened between them. For the first time in her young life, Susanne was ashamed of herself. For the rest of his visit, he begged her to come back to his bed, promising that it would be different, that he would be gentler. He never spoke again of love or the promises he had made, so she was not as easily duped. It was a relief when he left, but not for long.

  Perry enjoyed sharing the story of his conquest of the virginity of Tristan Newland’s sister. Of course, Tristan found out, but said nothing to the family on his next visit home. His only acknowledgement was a withering glare to Susanne, who he would treat as a person of no account for years to come.

  He never brought another friend home again.

  *************************

  Susanne was more careful after Perry. She didn’t mind kissing or teasing caresses, but anything below the waist was off limits. Nevertheless, the damage was done within their small circle. Lies were spread as no man wished to be the only one who hadn’t lain with Henry Newland’s daughter. But London was a large city and she prayed that she could make a new start.

  In the past, Susanne’s suitors tended to own nothing and would inherit even less. They were content with having enough money to gamble and drink with no real plan of what to do when the money ran out.

  Because of her success in landing Davis Edderle, Rebecca would lack nothing. She would become Baroness Edderle when she married and people would clamor to be part of her circle. She would mix with dukes and duchesses and maybe even the king and queen! It was a life that Susanne suddenly found quite enticing.

  Davis insisted that Rebecca and Susanne live with him rather than with their cousin, Martha. Johanna could act as a chaperone; more importantly, she could help Rebecca become familiar with her duties as mistress of the house. Davis, who was usually alone while in London, was happy to finally have a family around.

  Shortly after she arrived in London, the young lieutenant Susanne had befriended at the engagement party, Gordon Wilborn, visited her at Davis’ house. They had corresponded over the summer, but hadn’t seen each other since the birthday party. His barracks were in London and at the first opportunity, Davis, at Rebecca’s prompting, invited him over for supper.

  Susanne was delighted and played hostess so well that even Johanna was impressed. Johanna was relaxed and enjoying her newfound freedom. With Martha Toles encouragement, she optimistically entertained her own possibilities of marriage. She also warmed up to Susanne, though it took longer for her than for Davis. To Davis, Susanne was a part of Rebecca and therefore his family as well.

  Supper was interrupted at the end by the arrival of Michael. He left for Elysian Fields when Johanna returned to London, partly to give her space and partly to finagle money from his father. The advance from his publisher was generous, but not enough to cover the living expenses he refused to curtail.

  Though Susanne was hostess, it was Rebecca who warmly received Michael, which Davis duly noted. Susanne remembered him, but her focus was Gordon. Settling into the drawing room after supper, Susanne served cordials and the conversation, which had been light-hearted before, turned serious.

  At Lord Edderle’s death, Davis resigned from Commons and assumed his position in the House of Lords. Talk of the Tea Act in the American colonies, its fairness and whether it was generating more ill-will than it was worth, simmered in the halls of both Houses. Davis dutifully paid close attention. As a shareholder, he had a vested interest in the profitability of the East India Company; as a Lord, he had a responsibility to ensure that laws were followed. He could sympathize with some of the colonist’s frustration, but in his mind, the law didn’t hurt them. The tea was cheaper now and of better quality than Dutch tea. In time, they would understand this, but for now they were behaving unreasonably.

  “The colonists are short-sighted,” Davis declared when Gordon mentioned the Tea Act.

  Gordon had correctly assumed that Davis would take this opinion. He himself didn’t care about the nuances of the law. He knew that taxes raised revenue and revenue paid salaries, his own included. To him, the colonists enjoyed the protection of the Crown; they just didn’t want to pay for it. “Their position doesn’t make sense to a rational man,” Gordon agreed sipping at his cordial.

  Rebecca had paid close attention to the events since arriving in London. She was becoming accustomed to offering her opinions to Davis, mostly by following Johanna’s lead. Johanna never hesitated to speak openly to Davis. So she thought nothing of contributing to the conversation. “I really don’t believe that it’s as simple as that, Lt. Wilborn. Whether we agree with them or not, they feel that the Act is nothing more than the government imposing its will, without considering their voices.”

  Davis was impressed with the gentle, but intelligent way she had disagreed. But Gordon turned sharply to Rebecca and boorishly said, “This is why politics is best left to men who ‘think’ as opposed to women who ‘feel’.”

  Johanna and Michael, who were engaged in a game of chess, suddenly looked up at Gordon, surprised at his insolence to his host’s fiancé. Rebecca was furious, but said nothing. Susanne started to speak, but Davis spoke first.

  “I believe, Lt. Wilborn that you have spent too much time around simple men. I am sure that you did not mean to suggest that Miss Newland is not capable of understanding the motivations of others whether she agrees with them or not. On the contrary, she is quite good at discerning other’s motives. And character,” he added.

  “I apologize,” Gordon stammered, blushing in embarrassment, “I am not familiar with opinionated women. I mean,” he added realizing that he had insulted Rebecca further, “I don’t usually discuss these things with ladies.”

  At this Michael stood and took
Johanna’s hand. “Maybe we would all be interested in something other than politics.” And with that, he led Johanna to a comfortable chair and suggested charades.

  Rebecca gazed adoringly at Davis. He was her champion. Though the smile remained on her face, her eyes changed when she shifted her look to Gordon. She didn’t like him, but she could tolerate him until Susanne came to her senses and became bored with him.

  *************************

  Susanne did not become bored with Gordon. He was the most respectable man who had ever paid her mind. Though he would never be as wealthy as Davis, his future income was assured. To Susanne, Gordon, dressed in his bright red uniform, was a dashing adventurer. No amount of suggestion from Rebecca of the reality of marriage to a soldier, even an officer, altered her fantasies.

  Other than Susanne’s stubbornness to defend a man clearly not suitable, life for Rebecca in London was close to paradise. Johanna happily turned her keys over to Rebecca allowing her to run the household to her standards. She worked hard making their home into a respite for Davis from the demands of the day. At first, there were minor issues with the staff; officially, Rebecca was not Lady Edderle. But they soon learned that Rebecca’s voice carried as much authority as Johanna’s and Davis’. With her placid demeanor the rough patches were smoothed over easily.

  She became closer to Johanna, viewing her as a sister and confidante. Initially, Johanna was a little jealous at being replaced as the most important woman in Davis’ life. But when Rebecca joined her cousin Martha in some good-hearted matchmaking, she was happy to focus her attention on a new man.

  Rebecca even enjoyed Michael who had been so cool to her when they first met. During their time at St. Clare’s, he saw how much Rebecca truly cared about Davis, and became warmer. He was unlike anyone Rebecca had ever met. He liked tweaking his fellow nobles, though he was clever with his sarcasm.