Mort tds-4 Read online

  'I hope you are not hurt, sir,' he said politely.

  The skull grinned. Of course, Mort thought, it hasn't much of a choice.

  NO HARM DONE, I AM SURE. The skull looked around and seemed to see Lezek, who appeared to be frozen to the spot, for the first time. Mort thought an explanation was called for.

  'My father,' he said, trying to move protectively in front of Exhibit A without causing any offence. 'Excuse me, sir, but are you Death?'

  CORRECT. FULL MARKS FOR OBSERVATION, THAT BOY.

  Mort swallowed.

  'My father is a good man,' he said. He thought for a while, and added, 'Quite good. I'd rather you left him alone, if it's all the same to you. I don't know what you have done to him, but I'd like you to stop it. No offence meant.'

  Death stepped back, his skull on one side.

  I HAVE MERELY PUT US OUTSIDE TIME FOR A MOMENT , he said . HE WILL SEE AND HEAR NOTHING THAT DISTURBS HIM. NO, BOY, IT WAS YOU I CAME FOR.

  'Me?'

  YOU ARE HERE SEEKING EMPLOYMENT?

  Light dawned on Mort. 'You are looking for an apprentice?' he said.

  The eyesockets turned towards him, their actinic pinpoints flaring.

  OF COURSE.

  Death waved a bony hand. There was a wash of purple light, a sort of visible 'pop', and Lezek unfroze. Above his head the clockwork automatons got on with the job of proclaiming midnight, as Time was allowed to come creeping back.

  Lezek blinked.

  'Didn't see you there for a minute,' he said. 'Sorry — mind must have been elsewhere.'

  I WAS OFFERING YOUR BOY A POSITION, said Death. I TRUST THAT MEETS WITH YOUR APPROVAL?

  'What was your job again?' said Lezek, talking to a black-robed skeleton without showing even a flicker of surprise.

  I USHER SOULS INTO THE NEXT WORLD, said Death.

  'Ah,' said Lezek, 'of course, sorry, should have guessed from the clothes. Very necessary work, very steady. Established business?'

  I HAVE BEEN GOING FOR SOME TIME, YES, said Death.

  'Good. Good. Never really thought of it as a job for Mort, you know, but it's good work, good work, always very reliable. What's your name?'

  DEATH.

  'Dad —' said Mort urgently.

  'Can't say I recognize the firm,' said Lezek. 'Where are you based exactly?'

  FROM THE UTTERMOST DEPTHS OF THE SEA TO THE HEIGHTS WHERE EVEN THE EAGLE MAY NOT GO , said Death.

  'That's fair enough,' nodded Lezek. 'Well, I —'

  'Dad —' said Mort, pulling at his father's coat.

  Death laid a hand on Mort's shoulder.

  WHAT YOUR FATHER SEES AND HEARS IS NOT WHAT YOU SEE AND HEAR, he said . DO NOT WORRY HIM. DO YOU THINK HE WOULD WANT TO SEE ME — IN THE FLESH, AS IT WERE?

  'But you're Death,' said Mort. 'You go around killing people!'

  I? KILL? said Death, obviously offended. CERTAINLY NOT. PEOPLE GET KILLED, BUT THAT'S THEIR BUSINESS. I JUST TAKE OVER FROM THEN ON. AFTER ALL, IT'D BE A BLOODY STUPID WORLD IF PEOPLE GOT KILLED WITHOUT DYING, WOULDN'T IT?

  'Well, yes —' said Mort, doubtfully.

  Mort had never heard the word 'intrigued'. It was not in regular use in the family vocabulary. But a spark in his soul told him that here was something weird and fascinating and not entirely horrible, and that if he let this moment go he'd spend the rest of his life regretting it. And he remembered the humiliations of the day, and the long walk back home. . . .

  'Er,' he began, 'I don't have to die to get the job, do I?'

  BEING DEAD IS NOT COMPULSORY.

  'And ... the bones ...?'

  NOT IF YOU DON'T WANT TO.

  Mort breathed out again. It had been starting to prey on his mind.

  'If father says it's all right,' he said.

  They looked at Lezek, who was scratching his beard.

  'How do you feel about this, Mort?' he said, with the brittle brightness of a fever victim. 'It's not everyone's idea of an occupation. It's not what I had in mind, I admit. But they do say that undertaking is an honoured profession. It's your choice.'

  'Undertaking?' said Mort. Death nodded, and raised his finger to his lips in a conspiratorial gesture.

  'It's interesting,' said Mort slowly. 'I think I'd like to try it.'

  'Where did you say your business was?' said Lezek. 'Is it far?'

  NO FURTHER THAN THE THICKNESS OF A SHADOW, said Death. WHERE THE FIRST PRIMAL CELL WAS, THERE WAS I ALSO. WHERE MAN IS, THERE AM I. WHEN THE LAST LIFE CRAWLS UNDER FREEZING STARS, THERE WILL I BE.

  'Ah,' said Lezek, 'you get about a bit, then.' He looked puzzled, like a man struggling to remember something important, and then obviously gave up.

  Death patted him on the shoulder in a friendly fashion and turned to Mort.

  HAVE YOU ANY POSSESSIONS, BOY?

  'Yes,' said Mort, and then remembered. 'Only I think I left them in the shop. Dad, we left the sack in the clothes shop!'

  'It'll be shut,' said Lezek. 'Shops don't open on Hogswatch Day. You'll have to go back the day after tomorrow — well, tomorrow now.'

  IT IS OF LITTLE ACCOUNT, said Death. WE WILL LEAVE NOW. NO DOUBT I WILL HAVE BUSINESS HERE SOON ENOUGH.

  'I hope you'll be able to drop in and see us soon,' said Lezek. He seemed to be struggling with his thoughts.

  'I'm not sure that will be a good idea,' said Mort.

  'Well, goodbye, lad,' said Lezek. 'You're to do what you're told, you understand? And — excuse me, sir, do you have a son?'

  Death looked rather taken aback.

  NO, he said, I HAVE NO SONS .

  'I'll just have a last word with my boy, if you've no objection.'

  THEN I WILL GO AND SEE TO THE HORSE, said Death, with more than normal tact.

  Lezek put his arm around his son's shoulders, with some difficulty in view of their difference in height, and gently propelled him across the square.

  'Mort, you know your uncle Hemesh told me about this prenticing business?' he whispered.

  'Yes?'

  'Well, he told me something else,' the old man confided. 'He said it's not unknown for an apprentice to inherit his master's business. What do you think of that, then?'

  'Uh. I'm not sure,' said Mort.

  'It's worth thinking about,' said Lezek.

  'I am thinking about it, father.'

  'Many a young lad has started out that way, Hemesh said. He makes himself useful, earns his master's confidence, and, well, if there's any daughters in the house . . . did Mr, er, Mr say anything about daughters?'

  'Mr who?' said Mort.

  'Mr . . . your new master.'

  'Oh. Him. No. No, I don't think so,' said Mort slowly. 'I don't think he's the marrying type.'

  'Many a keen young man owes his advancement to his nuptials,' said Lezek.

  'He does?'

  'Mort, I don't think you're really listening.'

  'What?'

  Lezek came to a halt on the frosty cobbles and spun the boy around to face him.

  'You're really going to have to do better than this,' he said. 'Don't you understand, boy? If you're going to amount to anything in this world then you've got to listen. I'm your father telling you these things.'

  Mort looked down at his father's face. He wanted to say a lot of things: he wanted to say how much he loved him, how worried he was; he wanted to ask what his father really thought he'd just seen and heard. He wanted to say that he felt as though he stepped on a molehill and found that it was really a volcano. He wanted to ask what 'nuptials' meant.

  What he actually said was, 'Yes. Thank you. I'd better be going. I'll try and write you a letter.'

  'There's bound to be someone passing who can read it to us,' said Lezek. 'Goodbye, Mort.' He blew his nose.

  'Goodbye, dad. I'll come back to visit,' said Mort. Death coughed tactfully, although it sounded like the pistol-crack of an ancient beam full of death-watch beetle.

  WE HAD BETTER BE GOING , he said. HOP UP, MORT.

  As Mort scrambled behind the orna
te silver saddle Death leaned down and shook Lezek's hand.

  THANK YOU, he said.

  'He's a good lad at heart,' said Lezek. 'A bit dreamy, that's all. I suppose we were all young once.'

  Death considered this.

  No, he said, I DON'T THINK SO.

  He gathered up the reins and turned the horse towards the Rim road. From his perch behind the black-robed figure Mort waved desperately.

  Lezek waved back. Then, as the horse and its two riders disappeared from view, he lowered his hand and looked at it. The handshake . . . it had felt strange. But, somehow, he couldn't remember exactly why.

  Mort listened to the clatter of stone under the horse's hooves. Then there was the soft thud of packed earth as they reached the road, and then there was nothing at all.

  He looked down and saw the landscape spread out below him, the night etched with moonlight silver. If he fell off, the only thing he'd hit was air.

  He redoubled his grip on the saddle.

  Then Death said, ARE YOU HUNGRY, BOY?

  'Yes, sir.' The words came straight from his stomach without the intervention of his brain.

  Death nodded, and reined in the horse. It stood on the air, the great circular panorama of the Disc glittering below it. Here and there a city was an range glow; in the warm seas nearer the Rim there was a hint of phosphorescence. In some of the deep valleys the trapped daylight of the Disc, which is slow and slightly heavy[1] was evaporating like silver steam.

  But it was outshone by the glow that rose towards the stars from the Rim itself. Vast streamers of light shimmered and glittered across the night. Great golden walls surrounded the world.

  'It's beautiful,' said Mort softly. 'What is it?'

  THE SUN is UNDER THE DISK , said Death.

  'Is it like this every night?'

  EVERY NIGHT , said Death. NATURE'S LIKE THAT.

  'Doesn't anyone know?'

  ME. You. THE GODS. GOOD, IS IT?

  'Gosh!'

  Death leaned over the saddle and looked down at the kingdoms of the world.

  I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU , he said, BUT I COULD MURDER A CURRY.

  Although it was well after midnight the twin city of Ankh-Morpork was roaring with life. Mort had thought Sheepridge looked busy, but compared to the turmoil of the street around him the town was, well, a morgue.

  Poets have tried to describe Ankh-Morpork. They have failed. Perhaps it's the sheer zestful vitality of the place, or maybe it's just that a city with a million inhabitants and no sewers is rather robust for poets, who prefer daffodils and no wonder. So let's just say that Ankh-Morpork is as full of life as an old cheese on a hot day, as loud as a curse in a cathedral, as bright as an oil slick, as colourful as a bruise and as full of activity, industry, bustle and sheer exuberant busyness as a dead dog on a termite mound.

  There were temples, their doors wide open, filling the streets with the sounds of gongs, cymbals and, in the case of some of the more conservative fundamentalist religions, the brief screams of the victims. There were shops whose strange wares spilled out on to the pavement. There seemed to be rather a lot of friendly young ladies who couldn't afford many clothes. There were flares, and jugglers, and assorted sellers of instant transcendence.

  And Death stalked through it all. Mort had half expected him to pass through the crowds like smoke, but it wasn't like that at all. The simple truth was that wherever Death walked, people just drifted out of the way.

  It didn't work like that for Mort. The crowds that gently parted for his new master closed again just in time to get in his way. His toes got trodden on, his ribs were bruised, people kept trying to sell him unpleasant spices and suggestively-shaped vegetables, and a rather elderly lady said, against all the evidence, that he looked a well set-up young lad who would like a nice tune.

  He thanked her very much, and said that he hoped he was having a nice tune already.

  Death reached the street corner, the light from the flares raising brilliant highlights on the polished dome of his skull, and sniffed the air. A drunk staggered up, and without quite realizing why made a slight detour in his erratic passage for no visible reason. THIS IS THE CITY, BOY, said Death. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

  'It's very big,' said Mort, uncertainly. 'I mean, why does everyone want to live all squeezed together like this?'

  Death shrugged.

  I LIKE IT , he said. IT'S FULL OF LIFE.

  'Sir?'

  YES?

  'What's a curry?'

  The blue fires flared deep in the eyes of Death.

  HAVE YOU EVER BITTEN A RED-HOT ICE CUBE?

  'No, sir,' said Mort.

  CURRY'S LIKE THAT .

  'Sir?'

  YES?

  Mort swallowed hard. 'Excuse me, sir, but my dad said, if I don't understand, I was to ask questions, sir?'

  VERY COMMENDABLE , said Death. He set off down a side street, the crowds parting in front of him like random molecules.

  'Well, sir, I can't help noticing, the point is, well, the plain fact of it, sir, is —'

  OUT WITH IT, BOY .

  'How can you eat things, sir?'

  Death pulled up short, so that Mort walked into him. When the boy started to speak he waved him into silence. He appeared to be listening to something.

  THERE ARE TIMES, YOU KNOW , he said, half to himself, WHEN I GET REALLY UPSET.

  He turned on one heel and set off down an alleyway at high speed, his cloak flying out behind him. The alley wound between dark walls and sleeping buildings, not so much a thoroughfare as a meandering gap.

  Death stopped by a decrepit water butt and plunged his arm in at full length, bringing out a small sack with a brick tied to it. He drew his sword, a line of flickering blue fire in the darkness, and sliced through the string.

  I GET VERY ANGRY INDEED , he said. He upended the sack and Mort watched the pathetic scraps of sodden fur slide out, to lie in their spreading puddle on the cobbles. Death reached out with his white fingers and stroked them gently.

  After a while something like grey smoke curled up from the kittens and formed three small cat-shaped clouds in the air. They billowed occasionally, unsure of their shape, and blinked at Mort with puzzled grey eyes. When he tried to touch one his hand went straight through it, and tingled.

  YOU DON'T SEE PEOPLE AT THEIR BEST IN THIS JOB , aid Death. He blew on a kitten, sending it gently tumbling. Its miaow of complaint sounded as though it had come from a long way away via a tin tube.

  They're souls, aren't they?' said Mort. 'What do people look like?'

  PEOPLE SHAPED , said Death. IT'S BASICALLY ALL OWN TO THE CHARACTERISTIC MORPHOGENETIC FIELD.

  He sighed like the swish of a shroud, picked the kittens out of the air, and carefully stowed them away somewhere in the dark recesses of his robe. He stood up.

  CURRY TIME , he said.

  It was crowded in the Curry Gardens on the corner of God Street and Blood Alley, but only with the cream of society — at least, with those people who are found floating on the top and who, therefore, it's wisest to call the cream. Fragrant bushes planted among the tables nearly concealed the basic smell of the city itself, which has been likened to the nasal equivalent of a foghorn.

  Mort ate ravenously, but curbed his curiosity and didn't watch to see how Death could possibly eat anything. The food was there to start with and wasn't there later, so presumably something must have happened in between. Mort got the feeling that Death wasn't really used to all this but was doing it to put him at his ease, like an elderly bachelor uncle who has been landed with his nephew for a holiday and is terrified of getting it wrong.

  The other diners didn't take much notice, even when Death leaned back and lit a rather fine pipe. Someone with smoke curling out of their eye sockets takes some ignoring, but everyone managed it.

  'Is it magic?' said Mort.

  WHAT DO YOU THINK ? said Death. AM I REALLY HERE, BOY?

  'Yes,' said Mort slowly. 'I . . . I've watched people. They look at you b
ut they don't see you, I think. You do something to their minds.'

  Death shook his head.

  THEY DO IT ALL THEMSELVES , he said. THERE'S NO MAGIC. PEOPLE CAN'T SEE ME, THEY SIMPLY WON'T ALLOW THEMSELVES TO DO IT. UNTIL IT'S TIME, OF COURSE. WIZARDS CAN SEE ME, AND CATS. BUT YOUR AVERAGE HUMAN . . . NO, NEVER. He blew a smoke ring at the sky, and added, STRANGE BUT TRUE.

  Mort watched the smoke ring wobble into the sky and drift away towards the river.

  'I can see you,' he said.

  THAT'S DIFFERENT.

  The Klatchian waiter arrived with the bill, and placed it in front of Death. The man was squat and brown, with a hairstyle like a coconut gone nova, and his round face creased into a puzzled frown when Death nodded politely to him. He shook his head like someone trying to dislodge soap from his ears, and walked away.

  Death reached into the depths of his robe and brought out a large leather bag full of assorted copper coinage, most of it blue and green with age. He inspected the bill carefully. Then he counted out a dozen coins.

  COME , he said, standing up. WE MUST GO.

  Mort trotted along behind him as he stalked out of the garden and into the street, which was still fairly busy even though there were the first suggestions of dawn on the horizon.

  'What are we going to do now?'

  BUY YOU SOME NEW CLOTHES .

  'These were new today — yesterday, I mean.

  ' REALLY?

  'Father said the shop was famous for its budget clothing,' said Mort, running to keep up.

  IT CERTAINLY ADDS A NEW TERROR TO POVERTY.

  They turned into a wider street leading into a more affluent part of the city (the torches were closer together and the middens further apart). There were no stalls and alley corner traders here, but proper buildings with signs hanging outside. They weren't mere shops, they were emporia; they had purveyors in them, and chairs, and spittoons. Most of them were open even at this time of night, because the average Ankhian trader can't sleep for thinking of the money he's not making.

  'Doesn't anyone ever go to bed around here?' said Mort.

  THIS IS A CITY , said Death, and pushed open the door of a clothing store. When they came out twenty minutes later Mort was wearing a neatly fitting black robe with faint silver embroidery, and the shopkeeper was looking at a handful of antique copper coins and wondering precisely how he came to have them.