The Way Back Read online

  I smile.

  “She’s a smart lady,” I say with a smile. “So, what’d ya bring?”

  “Uh, some canned yams and a couple of bags of popcorn,” he says with a sheepish shrug. I bust out laughing, and he follows my lead. “Hey, I never really learned to cook, okay?”

  When I finally get myself together, I put my hand on his arm.

  “No, no. Canned yams and popcorn are absolutely perfect for a Wellsworth Christmas,” I say. He looks down at my hand on his arm, and we both suddenly become aware that we’re making physical contact again.

  He clears his throat as I remove my hand.

  “So, uh, these lights giving you some trouble?” he asks. I nod. “May I?”

  I gladly hand the string over, and with one quick tug, he magically has them all apart, in a perfectly straight line.

  “What the…” I say. “I guess I just loosened it up for you.”

  He smiles again, and my knees shake a little.

  “Guess so.”

  “So, you heading over to see your mom?” I ask, and the air between us grows a little thicker.

  “Yeah. I haven’t been back in a few months. It gets a little harder each time, because it feels more and more like I’m visiting a stranger.”

  I nod. I can’t imagine. He looks down at the ground for a moment, then his eyes flick back up to mine.

  “You wouldn’t want to, uh… You wouldn’t want to come with me, would you?”

  My eyes grow wide at his question, and I don’t even realize I’m staring at him.

  “I’m sorry, that was...that was crazy of me. It’s Christmas Eve, and you probably—”

  “I’d love to visit your mom,” I say, and I can visibly see the relief loosen his shoulders. I really do want to go. Partially because I want to get out of here. I want to escape the memories for a little bit. But I also don’t want Liam to go on his own.

  “Oh, really?”

  I nod and smile.

  We walk back around the front of the house, and most of the family has made their way inside, except for my parents.

  “Hey, Mom, Dad, I’m gonna ride with Liam to see Mrs. Crane,” I tell them matter-of-factly. They both smile.

  “Oh, honey, that will be so nice. Please tell Delilah Merry Christmas from us,” Mom says.

  We all look to the ground, because we know that Mrs. Crane won’t know who we’re talking about. In fact, she probably won’t even know who we are.

  The ride to the nursing home is quiet, as if we are both preparing ourselves for what we’re about to endure. I’ve only been to the Piedmont Nursing Home one other time, and that was right after Mrs. Crane was admitted. And right after Liam left.

  I had gone to see her to try and understand how bad it was.

  And I’d left with her having no idea who I was and a wedge driven even further into my heart. Because when I mentioned Liam to her, she had no clue who I was talking about.

  Her own son.

  Early-onset Alzheimer’s runs in their family. Mrs. Crane was only fifty-two when she was permanently moved.

  We sign in at the front desk. There are decorations and trees all over the lobby, strings of lights everywhere, but the atmosphere is anything but festive. Every resident we pass looks sad and miserable, a shell of who I imagine they used to be. Liam leads me down a long hallway and stops at the last door on the left. He takes in a breath and closes his eyes for a moment, then he turns to look at me.

  “I’m just warning you, this could be pretty ugly,” he says. I reach over and take his hand in mine for the briefest moment.

  “I’m here,” is all I whisper. He knocks on the door, and a slender, model-esque nurse opens it.

  “Oh, Liam, Merry Christmas!” she cries, wrapping him in a hug.

  “Merry Christmas, Tanya,” he says. He holds a hand out to me. “This is my friend Fiona. We were coming to take mom to the tree decorating.”

  “Hi, Fiona,” Tanya says. Then, she looks over to the corner of the room where Mrs. Crane is sitting in a recliner. She’s wrapped in a knit blanket, staring blankly out the window next to her.

  “She’s having a rough day,” Tanya says. “I’m not so sure she will be up for the decorating.” She lays a hand on Liam’s shoulder that says I’m sorry.

  “If you need anything, just give me a ring,” Tanya says before ducking out into the hallway.

  Liam leads me to the corner of the room where he sets down the bouquet of roses he had bought the night before and a wrapped box.

  “Hey, Mama,” he says, sitting on the coffee table directly in front of her chair. I take a seat on the couch next to him. “It’s me. Merry Christmas.”

  Mrs. Crane doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t even budge.

  Liam looks over to me.

  “Mama, I brought someone with me today. Fiona Wellsworth. You remember the Wellsworths, right? Mr. and Mrs. Wellsworth send their best wishes,” he says. But it’s like his words flow right past her, right out the window. He clears his throat nervously, and I wonder if he regrets asking me to come.

  But I don’t want him to regret it. I want him to be thankful he asked me. I want him to know that I’m here, just like the first night she was admitted.

  “Mrs. Crane, it’s so good to see you,” I say, scooting toward the front of the couch. “I’m so happy Liam asked me to come.”

  Liam lifts his eyes to mine. I keep going.

  “It was so good to see him again last night. It had been a long, long time,” I say, my voice growing quieter. “He’s really grown into a pretty cool guy. You should be very proud of him.”

  Liam’s eyes are trained on mine, and the slightest smile pulls at his lips.

  We sit with her for a few hours, talking as if she’s a part of the conversation. I open a tin of cookies on her counter and bring a few over to the table. Liam checks his phone then looks at me.

  “We should probably head over to your parents’ soon. And Mama needs to rest,” he says. I nod slowly. I can’t imagine leaving my mom on Christmas, and I know he feels the same.

  “Well, Mama, we’re going to head out and let you get some sleep,” he says. He stands up and kneels down in front of her chair, leaving a long kiss on her forehead. I can see the pain in his eyes, even though they’re closed. I can see how much it hurts him, and all I want is to take it away. I walk over to her when he gets up and kneel down. I place my hands on hers.

  “Mrs. Crane, it was so good to see you today,” I whisper. “And I hope you have a Merry Christmas.”

  Slowly, she turns to me, her dark-gray eyes finding mine. She pulls her hands out from under mine then, to my surprise, places them on my cheeks.

  “And a Happy New Year!” she says, and I’m smiling and tearing up at the same time.

  “Ma? You’re talking!” Liam says, kneeling down in front of her and kissing her hand. “Oh, Ma. Merry Christmas,” he whispers, holding her tight.

  We say our goodbyes again and make our way back to his car. It’s snowing a lot harder now, and there’s very little daylight left. We ride in silence for a few minutes until he starts to laugh.

  “Unbelievable,” he says, shaking his head.

  “What?”

  “I come and see her all the time, and nothing. Not so much as an eyebrow raise or even a glance in my direction. And then, the one time I bring you...man. It was good to see her smile.”

  He reaches down and takes my hand in his. “Thank you.”

  I squeeze his hand back just as we pull into my parents’ driveway.

  5

  When we get inside, dinner has already started. Everyone is running around the kitchen and dining room, setting platters on the table, unfolding napkins, and pouring drinks. We slip out of our coats and boots and walk toward the entryway of the dining room.

  “You ready for another Wellsworth Christmas?” I ask. He smiles down at me.

  “Those are the best kind.”

  “There you two are!” Mom says, putting down the turkey in the middle of the table. “We thought we were gonna have to start without you!”

  “We’re here, Mom,” I say. I make my way around the table and sit in my seat. Liam walks around to the seat next to Bella and pulls out his chair.

  “How was your mother?” Dad asks, stabbing a few pieces of turkey pretty forcefully with his fork.

  “She, uh, she really lit up with Fi there. Yeah, she was really happy to see her,” Liam says, smiling across at me. Mom “awws” and puts her hand to her heart.

  “I’m so glad to hear that. So glad she could go with you,” Mom says. There’s a long pause at the table, and it’s like, all at once, everyone is feeling the heaviness of Graham’s absence.

  “It’s so funny that you two are back in each other’s lives again,” Audrey says matter-of-factly. Liam and I look at each other nervously.

  “Yeah. Mom says you two had a thing,” Bella says from across the table, and my eyes grow wide. Audrey is staring down at her plate, the words “oh shit” basically plastered on her forehead.

  There’s a dead silence again.

  Then, Donovan starts to laugh. He starts to laugh hard. Then, Barrett’s laughing, too. Audrey covers her mouth with her hand, but she’s laughing, too. Mom’s cackling now, and Dad’s following suit. Chloe is covering her face with her hands, and Liam and I are staring at each other from across the table, both busting out into a laugh ourselves.

  Because we did have a thing. We knew. Everyone else knew it. It just never got to become anything real.

  After dinner, I volunteer for dish duty again, and to my surprise, I find myself alone in the kitchen with Liam.

  He rolls up the sleeves to his sweater, revealing some heavenly toned forearms.

  “Mind if I help?” he asks.
br />   “Oh, sure,” I say, feeling flushed from having all eyes on us at dinner.

  I’m up against the sink, washing the plates and stacking them next to me. He reaches around me to grab the stack and a towel, and my breath catches when I smell his cologne.

  “I’m really glad I ran into Barrett yesterday,” he says after a few moments of silence.

  “Yeah?” I say.

  “Yeah. It’s a blast being back at this house with these people. You have a really special family, Fi.”

  I smile.

  “Yeah, I do,” I say. It’s true. And even though I’ve been avoiding them for the last year, it’s because I don’t want to admit how badly I need them. How much I love them. How scared I am to lose another one of them.

  “I also don’t think I realized how much good it would do me to see you again, until I saw you last night,” he says. He’s leaned up against the counter now, and I swallow and turn slowly to face him. I wipe my forehead on my sleeve then look up to meet his big blue eyes.

  “I’ve missed you since the day you left Blue River, Liam,” I say then lay the towel on the counter and walk out into the living room.

  We open a few gifts and eat more cookies and pie by the fireplace. But all I can see is the damn tree with no star on it.

  Finally, at quarter to twelve, Liam stands up.

  “Well, I should be getting back,” he says. “I’ll let you guys get ready for Santa.” He winks at Bella who is practically shaking with excitement. He starts to say his goodbyes when Mom calls to us from the window.

  “I don’t think you’re going anywhere tonight, Liam,” she says, pulling the curtain back. The snow is relentless, and Dad and Barrett’s fresh shoveling job is already covered in a thick layer.

  “The guest house is all made up. Why don’t you stay there tonight?” Dad says. “This isn’t safe to drive in.”

  “Oh, yes! Please do. It’ll be like old times!” Mom says, wrapping him in a hug. “And besides, no one should wake up alone on Christmas.”

  Liam looks from Mom, to Dad, to the window, to me.

  “Oh, wow. Well, if you don’t mind,” he says. I swallow nervously.

  “Of course not. Donovan, go grab Liam some extra clothes upstairs. There’s already sheets and towels out there. And you remember how to turn on the fireplace?” Mom asks. Liam smiles.

  “Yep, third switch,” he says with a smile. Donovan is back down in a moment’s time, and Liam tucks the clothes under his arm. “Well, thank you all so much. Man, you all really are the family I never had. Goodnight.”

  Everyone mutters their goodnights back to him, then he makes his way to the foyer where I’m standing.

  “Goodnight, Fi. I hope you sleep well,” he says.

  “Goodnight, Liam,” I say, and as I watch him walk out the door, I know that old wound is reopened, because my heart is skipping right along behind him.

  The Wellsworth crowd is shrinking as, one by one, they make their way upstairs to bed. Finally, all that’s left is me, Donovan, and Chloe.

  Chloe has her head in my lap, and Donovan is poking at the fire.

  “Can I ask you something, Fi?” Donovan asks.

  “Hmm?”

  “Are you happy in Jersey? Do you like working for that firm?”

  I wasn’t ready for that question. But that’s sort of the Wellsworth way. We don’t beat around any bush. Straight to the point, every time. Which, in retrospect, is why I moved all those months ago. I have trouble lying or hiding anything from anyone in this house. I couldn’t stick around while they pulled the sadness from me.

  “I...yeah? I guess so,” I mutter sheepishly, staring up at the tree. Lie. And they know it.

  “Convincing,” Donovan snuffs. I shrug but don’t say anything.

  The truth is, I love home. I love Blue River. I love being close to my family. But nothing feels the same without Graham. There’s a heavy silence in the room, then Donovan speaks.

  “This is weird,” he finally says. “He should be here.”

  Chloe sits up just as we see Donovan’s shoulder shudder. We scoot up and wrap our arms around him, the three of us crying together.

  Finally, Donovan stands, kissing each of us on our heads, and walks toward the stairs. Before he starts his way up, he looks at me.

  “Don’t run from us, little sister,” he says. “We need you, too.”

  His words hit me like a punch to the gut. Chloe stands, too, but not before turning to me.

  “I know this is the first Christmas without G,” she says, “but this is also the first Christmas that Liam has been back. That can’t just be a coincidence, Fi.”

  I raise an eyebrow at her.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t know...I just mean… He’s here. He’s finally back here after all these years. The year when you might need him the most.”

  She kisses my head, too, and goes upstairs.

  And then it’s just me, alone in the dark on Christmas Eve, staring up at a perfect tree with no topper. I look out the side window to the little guest house. And there’s a light on.

  6

  I slip my boots on and walk out into the blustery wind and snow. I’m shaking, but it’s not from the cold. It’s from years of pent-up emotions now overflowing in the form of nerves.

  I step in front of the front door and raise my fist. I hold my breath and knock twice. I wait a beat, shivering in the wind. And then I hear the click and see the turn of the knob.

  He’s standing in a t-shirt and baggy sweatpants. His hair is tousled; his eyes are bright.

  “Hey,” he says, his voice low. “I was hoping you’d come by.”

  I smile, and he lets me inside. He was waiting for me. I look around the room. It’s been so long since I’ve been in here. The last time I was here was the last time I knocked, late at night. He let me in. We kissed. We even ended up on the bed. But then he broke down. He pushed away from me physically, and then I felt him pull away emotionally. And then, a few days later, he left.

  I know all that. I know what I’m risking, getting my hopes up, being here with him again tonight. But right now, I don’t care. Right now, a few moments with him is the only thing I know that can fix me.

  “I obviously don’t have the fridge stocked like I used to,” he says with a shrug. “But if you’re hungry, I can sneak back in the house and steal you something.” I chuckle and sit down on the small loveseat.

  “I’m good, thanks.”

  He sits down next to me, leaving just enough space that would make it clear who made the first move. If any move is actually made tonight.

  “I’m glad you came by,” he says. “I actually have something for you.”

  I raise an eyebrow.

  “You...what?”

  He stands up from the couch and walks over to the corner of the room and kneels down next to the bed. He picks up a small box wrapped in wrinkled, shimmering paper. He walks over and sets it down on the couch next to me. There’s masking tape all over the green-and-red paper, so much so that I’m not sure I could get it open if I tried.

  “If you can’t tell, I wrapped it myself,” he says with a shy chuckle.

  “What...what is this? You didn’t need to get me anything,” I say, feeling my heart rate accelerate again.

  “Just open it,” he says. I swallow and tear at the paper, letting it fall to the floor.

  My eyes open wide again as I stare down at the small village piece in my hands. It’s a tiny park scene, complete with a frozen pond and a little bench, just like the one we sat on just last night.

  “Oh my…” My voice trails off.

  “I thought it looked like Elbert Park,” he says. “I didn’t want you to miss a year. I thought Graham would want to keep the tradition going.”

  I’m completely speechless. In just a day and a half, Liam has somehow managed to mend pieces of me that I thought were broken beyond repair.

  For months since Graham’s death, I haven’t felt anything. Just cold, lonely numbness. But now, tonight, in this tiny guest house, Liam Crane has found every last emotion inside of me and put it to work.

  “Liam,” I whisper before setting the little park on the end table next to me. I stand up and move directly in front of him. I see him swallow as he looks up at me. I place my hands on either side of his face, stroking his cheeks with my thumbs.

  I lean down and let my lips land on his gently. I pull back to look at him, and I can see the pain behind his eyes. I recognize it, because it’s like mine.