The Way Back Read online

  THE WAY BACK

  Copyright © 2019 Taylor Danae Colbert

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form, including electronic or mechanical, without written permission from the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations in reviews. This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, numerous places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination, or are used fictitiously. This book may not be resold or given away in any manner.

  Published: Taylor Danae Colbert 2019

  www.taylordanaecolbert.com

  Editing: Jenn Lockwood Editing

  Cover Design: Elle Maxwell

  ISBN: 9781707954445

  Contents

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  7. December, Four Years Earlier

  Chapter 8

  9. Last December

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Epilogue - One Year Later

  Acknowledgments

  About Taylor

  Other Books by Taylor:

  Note From the Author

  For my wild, wonderful, huge, loud, and endlessly loving family. For every joy we’ve celebrated and every heartbreak we have gotten through together. I love you all.

  1

  It’s been exactly 354 days since I’ve been back in Blue River. It’s been 354 days since I’ve seen a single member of my family. It’s been 354 days since I’ve been here, in this giant house, drowning out the insane volumes of my freakishly-large family.

  354 days.

  And now, Christmas is in two days, and it’s been a whole seven minutes that I’ve been sitting in this driveway, staring at the big white house in front of me. The big porch steps up to the giant wraparound where Graham and I used to chase each other every day. The bush that I fell into when Donovan was chasing me with a spider. The big round driveway where Emma and I used to draw hopscotch boards in chalk day in and day out.

  And the big old porch swing where I almost had my first kiss.

  I should have had it there. It should have been with him.

  But he chickened out. And then everything happened.

  And then he was gone. Leaving me broken-hearted. And kiss-less. And then, shortly after that, I left, and I never looked back.

  I look into the kitchen window and see Audrey stirring a big pot on the stove while talking to someone over her shoulder. I see Donovan come in with Bella on his shoulders, zooming into the room. He stops when he reaches Dad and hands Bella off.

  Then, the little traitor points out the window. I’ve been spotted.

  I take a deep breath then smile and wave like a madwoman. I see them all disappear from the window, then the driveway is flooded with light from the front door.

  “She’s here!” Audrey calls back into the house behind her.

  Audrey’s the oldest of the seven of us.

  You heard me. Seven. Seven kids, one house. Granted, it’s a big house. But with seven kids and two dogs, it felt anything but big. And after the last two years, it felt like it was getting smaller and smaller…until I couldn’t breathe. Until I needed to get out. I was suffocating, right here, in this house that used to be my whole heart.

  Well, most of it, anyway.

  My parents used to say they always knew they wanted a ton of kids. A “shitload,” Mom used to say. To keep it easy, they kept it alphabetical.

  Audrey, the oldest. Then Barrett, followed by Chloe, Donovan, Emmaline. Then, there’s me, Fi. It’s pronounced like “fee.” Short for Fiona. But when I was eight, I told my parents Fiona was an old lady’s name. And that was that. Fi it was, and Fi it has stayed.

  Then there was Graham.

  My sweet Graham. The only one who made me a big sister. We were Irish twins, less than a year apart. My throat grows dry with the very thought of him. I quickly swallow down the lump while my car is engulfed by Wellsworths on every side.

  Donovan rushes to the driver’s side door, opening it and practically yanking me from the seat. He’s the second oldest boy in the family, but he was always much more of a protective, typical big brother than Barrett.

  He’s a personal trainer, and I swear, every time I see him, he doubles in size. Given that it’s almost been a year since I last saw him, I swear he’s tripled.

  “Fi,” he whispers as he wraps his big arms around me. He holds me tight, inches off the ground, and I don’t want him to let me go. I’ve missed my big brother. Jamie, his girlfriend, follows close behind, wrapping me in another hug. She’s been in and out of Donovan’s life since they were fifteen. She comes and goes, but I think we all know she’ll be with him when all is said and done.

  “Okay, okay, share her,” my mom says, pushing through the crowd of her offspring. She wraps me in a hug, and Dad joins, swallowing us both up in his grasp. I drink in my mother’s perfume. It’s been so long since I’ve smelled it.

  It used to mean home. It used to mean this house.

  Now, it means everything that’s missing.

  “Barrett’s gonna be upset that he wasn’t here to greet you,” Chloe says. “He just ran out for a few last-minute things at the store.”

  The rest of my siblings and their partners and spouses swarm in for their hugs and kisses, and I’m doing my best to plaster a big smile on my face. My little niece, Bella, shimmies her way through them and wraps her arms around my knees, and I realize she’s not so little anymore. She’s nine-and-a-half, but sometimes, it feels like she’s going on twenty. I scoop her up and kiss her nose, holding her close. It’s funny how we guard children from everything—even our own emotions.

  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve missed the living shit out of these people. They are all I’ve ever needed in life. Well, mostly.

  As big as the Wellsworth family was, we were tight-knit.

  To be fair, they still are tight-knit. I’m the only one who has loosened up a bit.

  Donovan grabs my bags, and Dad moves my car into the garage.

  “We’re supposed to have another bad storm tonight,” he tells me.

  As I watch them all make their way back inside, I take in a long breath. The freezing New England air pierces my lungs, making it feel like I can’t breathe. I look up at the sky. I know a storm is coming, but right now, everything is quiet. The sky is a deep navy, speckled in bright stars. A blanket of snow is already on the ground, and I have to admit, I’ve missed Blue River. I’ve missed home.

  But that’s just the thing. This doesn’t really feel like home anymore.

  Nothing does.

  When I get inside, I’m hit with a wave of familiarity that both makes my heart swell and tears it at its seams.

  “Mom’s already makin’ the works,” Donovan tells me as he comes down from putting my bags upstairs.

  “Yep. And they already have our room all made up for us,” Chloe tells me with a big smile as she wraps her arm around my shoulders. I nod. Even though Emmaline and I were closer in age, Chloe and I always got along better, so we shared a room. And had no problems at all, I might add. Now, Chloe and I are both “in between relationships,” as Mom tells people. So we are happy to get clumped together when we are all back home. But I’ve been gone. I know she’s missed me.

  The Wellsworth house has been in my family for three generations. It started as a modest Victorian when my dad’s grandfather bought it. Then, he passed it down to my grandpa, and Mom and Dad bought it from him.

  When Wellsworth Contracting took off right after Audrey was born, Mom and Dad did some renovating. And when it took off again, they added another addition—and a few more kids. And then finally, they added the guest house when we were in high school for friends and family from out of town.

  And then for him.

  I shake my head at the thought of him. I can’t afford to think about him. Not now.

  The house is big and open and warm and wooded. There are candles and the smell of cinnamon everywhere. In the corner of the huge living room sits the most perfect blue spruce.

  “We waited for you to decorate,” Mom says, coming up next to me and snaking her fingers between mine. “We know it’s your favorite part.”

  I pause as I stare up at the tree.

  It was our favorite part.

  Somewhere off behind us, in the massive chef’s kitchen Dad had built for Mom, a timer is ringing relentlessly.

  But all I hear is the sound of screeching brakes. And all I can see are the flashes of headlights headed right toward us.

  “Come on, kiddo,” Mom says, tugging my hand. “Made loaded potato soup, just for you.”

  We all gather around the dining room table, Audrey and Mom laying everything out for us.

  “So, Fi, how is the new job?” Dad asks once everyone is settled and digging into their soup and salad.

  “It’s great,” I lie. “I really like my coworkers,” I lie again.

  After everything happened last year, I applied for a new job in the interior design department of an architecture firm in Jersey. It was just far enough away from Massachusetts that I felt like I could forget.

  But I was wrong.

  I miss my job with Wellsworth. I miss going on jobs with my dad and brothers, surveying the new builds, coming up with palettes and room layouts for the model homes they build.

  I miss lying with my mom. I miss rocking Bella to sleep while Audrey works the night shift.

&nbs
p; I miss everything. But nothing can ever be the same.

  Just then, the big oak front door opens, the bells around the handle jingling as it moves. And then, I’m brought back down to Earth. Because in walks my brother Barrett. And right behind him is the man who went away four years ago and took my heart with him.

  2

  “What in the world?” my mother shrieks as she jumps up from the table with a huge smile on her face.

  “Look who I found down at Save ‘n’ Shop, everyone!” Barrett says with a smile, holding his hand out and clapping Liam on the back.

  “Well, goddamn!” Dad says, standing up behind Mom. Then comes the train of Wellsworths, lining up to hug him like he’s the goddamn pope. From across the table, I feel Chloe and Donovan staring back at me, both uneasy. They want to hug him, but unlike the rest of the traitors, they don’t want to betray me. I sigh and roll my eyes, giving them permission. They stand up from the table and make their way to the foyer.

  “It’s good to see you, man,” Donovan says, pulling Liam in for a hug. Donovan and Liam had been close friends for years but lost touch after Liam left. When we were kids, Liam was a staple in this house.

  “Yeah, man, yeah, you too,” Liam says, and his voice sends a small electric shock through my body.

  Then, there’s no one left to greet but me.

  His skin is still tan, despite the fact that it’s winter in New England. Last I heard, he was still living in Connecticut with his aunt, working at her restaurant. But he looks like he’s been spending his time on some tropical island, surfing the days away or something.

  His hair is dark, laying in short, perfect waves on his head.

  His jaw is thick and square and lined with sophisticated stubble, an older version of the one I kissed once.

  And his eyes. Damn his eyes. Still as dark blue as the Blue River night sky. Still looking right through me.

  Everyone gets quiet as I stand slowly from the table.

  That was then, this is now, I tell myself. You’re an adult, Fiona. Act like it.

  I walk slowly toward him, and I can feel every pair of eyes on me as I do.

  “Fi,” he says, his voice quiet, his eyes trained on me.

  “Liam,” I say. We both freeze for a minute, not sure of what to do. If I don’t hug him, it’ll look like I’m still holding onto something. After all, it wasn’t his fault. He had to leave.

  But things changed. So much changed after he left.

  And then Graham…

  Too many things were broken. Too many things had to be fixed.

  Finally, I reach my arms out, and he does the same. He pulls me into him, and for a brief moment, I’m completely lost. I feel this swirl of emotions, from warm, sweet, teenage innocence to the panic of vulnerability.

  “You look amazing,” he whispers, and I feel my cheeks flush.

  “Well, we were just eating,” Audrey says, knowing the moment needs to end. “Come on in and sit down, Liam. I’ll get you a bowl.”

  “Oh, thank you so much,” he says. “It’s so good to see you all.”

  We all make our way back to the table, and Liam pauses for a moment, looking for a spot to sit down.

  “You can sit here, Liam,” Bella says. “This seat’s empty.”

  Suddenly, the room grows quiet.

  Because that seat will always be empty for every Christmas.

  Liam looks around to each of us. Donovan pulls the chair out and pats it, imploring him to sit down.

  Liam pulls off his scarf and coat and lays them on the chair behind him. His broad chest and shoulders pull tight on the fabric of his dark red sweater, and I feel a warm wave ripple through my body.

  He clears his throat.

  “I just wanted to say, I was so sorry to hear about Graham,” he says, his voice smooth but sharp enough to cut me up to pieces. He looks directly at me. “I know how much he meant to you. I wish I could have been here.”

  “Oh, you stop that, hon,” Mom says, waving her hand and handing Liam the bowl of salad. “You have your own hands full.”

  Liam nods and looks down at his plate.

  “Speaking of which, how is your mother, son?” Dad asks from the head of the table. Liam clears his throat again.

  “She’s doing alright, sir, thanks for asking,” Liam says. “That’s actually why I’m in town. Visiting her for Christmas.”

  My father nods.

  “And they are still treating her good?” Mom asks.

  “Yes, ma’am.” He nods. “Thanks for checking in on her.”

  “Of course. You know if you have any problems over there to just talk to Tanya. She knows to keep a special eye on your mama.”

  “Yes, thanks, Mrs. Wellsworth. Tanya’s great. The best nurse we’ve ever had,” Liam says. Our eyes meet again before I drop mine down to my soup that has gotten cold.

  After dinner, Audrey, Barrett, and I are doing the dishes. Mom and Dad always divvied up the chores evenly. The boys had to do the dishes just like the girls did, and the girls had to do yard work just like the boys did. Dad said we all needed to learn how to do everything, in case we never found a spouse.

  In my case, he was right. And in my tiny little rambler in Jersey, I do the weeding, the dishes, the mowing, and the toilet scrubbing.

  It’s glorious.

  “So, is this awkward?” Barrett asks, handing me another plate to dry.

  “Yep,” I say. He chuckles.

  “You didn’t really think that one through, bringing him home, Barrett,” Audrey says, putting away the plate I just handed her. Audrey is the epitome of “older and wiser.” She’s got her head on straight and always has an answer for everything. She has Mom’s “get shit done” attitude. We’re ten years apart, and I’ve always thought of her as another mom.

  “Well, I didn’t know what to do. He was all alone with a case of beer and a can of chicken noodle soup. I knew Mom would kill me if I just left him there,” Barrett says. My heart breaks a little—as if there’s any heart left to break.

  “Where is he staying?” I ask.

  “Not sure, my guess is the motel,” Barrett says.

  “Poor guy. A motel for Christmas. How festive,” Audrey says. I clear my throat.

  “So, Audrey, Bella’s with you for all of Christmas?” I ask. Audrey went to college late because she wanted to make money first. She got into nursing school, kicked ass, and then got pregnant her senior year with Bella. It was a one-night stand. She graduated then went into labor the next day. She and Bella still live at home with my parents, and Mom gets Bella off the bus every day. I’m proud of my sister. She works her ass off for her daughter. And after everything last year, my parents needed Bella to brighten things up a bit. We all did.

  “Yep, Kurt had a work conference in Colorado and decided to stay out there with his new fling,” Audrey says, the tiniest bit of bitterness in her voice. She gave Kurt an out when she first broke the news to him. He was a big shot in the business school in college, top of his class. He totally could have taken it. But he didn’t. Audrey has full custody, but he tries. Bella sometimes spends weekends with Kurt, but he doesn’t exactly know what to do with her. Last year, for Christmas, she came home from his house with an alarm clock and a pen.

  “Well, that sucks. But that’s good for us,” I say. “My Bella girl. And what about you, Barrett? Are you seeing Lauren for Christmas?” I ask. He’s been dating this Lauren girl for a few months but keeps it very under wraps. At least, that’s what Mom says whenever I make time to call her.

  “That’s the plan. I’m meeting her family tomorrow,” he says, nerves making his voice shake a bit. I squeeze his shoulder.

  “They’ll love ya,” I say. He smiles.

  “Kids, hurry up in there!” Mom calls from the living room. “We’re playing games and decorating!”

  “Well, time for Awkward Christmas Eve Eve, Part Two.” Barrett shrugs. Audrey giggles and whacks him with a dish towel as they make their way out of the big swinging door.

  I take in a deep breath and stare out the window that sits just over the kitchen sink. I look at the guest house, all lit up with a wreath on the door.