Ruby Rogers is a Waste of Space Read online

  A wave of heat exploded in my tummy. I wanted to kill Joe. But he wasn’t available. I brought my fist down on the bird boat and it splintered into pieces.

  Instantly I felt sick. I felt sorry. The bird’s neck had snapped and its head had fallen off. No matter how horrible Joe was, the little model itself looked sad and wrecked. It wasn’t to blame. I backed off quickly and rushed back to my own room and hid in the wardrobe, my heart thudding.

  How was I ever going to be a gangster? This was my first crime (not counting the sweets I stole from Harry Mills’ lunchbox), and I felt totally limp and horror-struck with guilt. I was going to have to toughen up, no question. Here I was, in a terrible state, and I’d only attacked a piece of wood.

  Eventually I heard Joe come out of the bathroom and go into his room. There was a kind of pause when he must have seen what I’d done. I cringed in horror and ate a mouthful of my own winter coat. I knew he’d find me in the wardrobe in about three seconds flat.

  His bedroom door burst open and I heard him storm out. My bedroom door burst open and I heard him storm in. I cringed so hard, my entire body shrank to the size of a two-year-old. Even Joe wouldn’t lay a finger on a toddler, surely. But Joe didn’t open the wardrobe door.

  I heard a thump and a thud and a sort of scuffling noise, and after a moment he went out again and slammed my door. I waited in dreadful suspense. What had he done? Was he coming back for a second attack? Would he hit me this time?

  I heard loud nasty music start up in his room. Phew! It seemed his raid was over. Gingerly, I ventured out to survey the damage. The first thing I saw was some wild red writing scrawled all over my dressing-table mirror. It read: Ruby Rogers is a waste of space.

  Then I saw something ten times worse! Ohmigawd! Stinker’s head had been pulled right off! It just lay there on the bed, staring at me, miles away from his poor bald fat old bod!

  I was just about to burst into tears, when above the sound of Joe’s music, I heard Mum’s voice down in the hall.

  ‘Ruby! It’s Yasmin on the phone!’

  I raced downstairs. Yasmin’s my best friend. Everything was kind of hectic today. Whatever next?

  ‘Ruby! Listen!’ said Yasmin. ‘Guess who my sister brought home this afternoon? Holly Helvellyn!’

  This was exciting! Holly Hellcat is a really weird girl who looks as if she might be our town’s very own teenage witch.

  ‘Tell me more!’ I demanded. ‘What’s she like?’

  ‘She didn’t say much,’ said Yasmin. ‘But she’s coming back tomorrow. She and Zerrin have got a holiday job just across the road. She’s going to have lunch with us every day! Come over tomorrow and see for yourself!’

  This was breathtaking. Holly Hellcat doing lunch at Yasmin’s? I decided not to waste time crying about Stinker’s head. I knew Mum would fix it back on, like she had when Joe had last ripped it off. I couldn’t even think about monkeys at a time like this.

  OK, so my main monkey was temporarily headless and my tree house plan was in ruins, but tomorrow I would go to Yasmin’s and actually meet the amazing, the super cool, the fabulous Holly Helvellyn.

  Chapter 5

  She’s so cooooool!

  Next day I was over at Yasmin’s like a shot. She lives in a town house near the city centre. On one side there’s a car park. At the back they’ve got a huge garden with several really big trees. But we’re not allowed to climb them. It’s such a waste. One of Yasmin’s uncles fell out of a tree once and broke his leg or something. And Yasmin’s parents are quite strict about things like that.

  Yasmin’s more into dolls anyway. She’s a bit clumsy, to be honest, and if she even tried to climb a tree, she’d probably end up with a branch up her jumper and a bird’s nest on her head.

  Yasmin’s mum, Mrs Saffet, opened the door. She’s beautiful, with black shiny shoulder-length hair. She always wears fabulous clothes. Today she was in a long grey dress and a billowing purple scarf. She is a big lady, though. If you were pretending to be her, you’d have to shove a whole pillow up your jumper.

  ‘Ruby!’ she cooed. She has a soft voice like a dove, and she says ‘Ooooo!’ quite a lot. ‘Come in! Yasmin’s just doing a liddle bit of tidying in her room. Go on up! Yasmin! Ruby’s here!’ (Yasmin’s mum always says ‘a liddle bit’ of this and that. Perhaps it’s because she’s so big.)

  I dived in, ducking under her enormous bosom, and ran upstairs. Yasmin’s mum padded upstairs after me on her big velvety slippers. She has a study on the top floor where she works. She’s a translator and she spends all day tapping away at her PC, surrounded by dictionaries.

  Yasmin’s bedroom door opened and Yasmin stood there grinning at me. She flung out her arms to hug me and banged her hand quite hard on the door.

  ‘Ow! Stinking Sickbags!’ she said, rubbing her hand. Yasmin swears quite a lot. I knew she wasn’t hurt too badly, though, because her worst swear word of all is, ‘Blood and Guts and Dog Muck!’

  Yasmin’s room is cheerful and white, and has wonderful sparkly cushions and turquoise curtains, and lovely mobiles hanging from the ceiling. My bedroom is basically a dump.

  ‘Where’s The Hellcat?’ I whispered. Yasmin grinned.

  ‘She and Zerrin have gone to work,’ she said. ‘They’ll be back for lunch, though. She looks amazing! She’s had another piercing – it’s in her eyebrow. It’s wicked!’

  Yasmin and I had first noticed Holly Hellcat a few weeks ago in the park. A gang of us from our class were all playing cricket. It was a slightly insane version of cricket, with martial arts overtones. And suddenly this Vision in Black strolled up and sat down under a tree to watch us.

  She was quite tall, with dyed black hair arranged in a strange off-centre kind of rocket shape on top of her head, and carrying a camera. She had about a zillion bracelets and six earrings at least in each ear. Oh, and loads of silver rings. Her make-up was straight out of a horror movie. Best of all I liked her lips: bright scarlet and shiny in the white mask of her face.

  I was so distracted that for a moment I forgot to look out for the ball. It whizzed past my bat and the stumps flew everywhere.

  ‘Out!’ yelled the umpire. I didn’t mind being out. Yasmin was out already. We spent the rest of the afternoon under a tree, watching the Vision in Black.

  She was listening to her iPod. Sometimes she read a great big thick book with a picture of daggers on the front of it. Sometimes she wandered around and took photographs. And sometimes she watched the cricket in a distant, slightly mocking way.

  Later Yasmin’s big sister Zerrin told us she was a mate of hers from school and her name was Holly Helvellyn. So she had to be The Hellcat, obviously.

  She’s so cooooool! I thought. And today I was actually going to have lunch with her!

  ‘What’s she like?’ I asked.

  ‘She’s quite nice really,’ said Yasmin. I felt a bit disappointed. ‘She said, “Hi, how are you, Yasmin?” this morning and smiled at me. They’ll be back at lunchtime. You can see for yourself.’

  I couldn’t wait for lunchtime. I helped Yasmin tidy her room. We even arranged all Yasmin’s dolls in rows.

  ‘Wanna play snakes and ladders?’ asked Yasmin.

  ‘Couldn’t we play gangsters?’ I asked. Yasmin frowned.

  ‘Last time we played gangsters my mum was cross afterwards,’ she said, ‘because of the dolls being thrown about everywhere and the curtains being on the floor.’

  ‘Look, it was a major crime scene,’ I said. ‘You can’t use explosives without making a bit of a mess. OK, a few guys got hurt,’ I started to drift into my gangster voice, ‘but they was askin’ for trouble. They was Big Al’s henchmen.’

  ‘I was the one who had to tidy up afterwards,’ said Yasmin, pulling her stroppy face. She has a fiery temper and I try to avoid stirring her up.

  We played Snakes and Ladders. After a while, she had a run of luck, went soaring up the biggest ladder and stopped frowning.

  At last Yasmin’s mum came
down from her study. She stuck her head round the door and admired the room.

  ‘Oooo, lovely!’ she cooed. ‘I’ve never seen Yasmin’s room look so tidy! It’s a total make-over! Thanks for helping, Ruby! There’ll be a liddle bit of lunch in ten minutes.’

  Then she went off downstairs and soon a yummy smell of soup came wafting up. We heard the front door slam and girls’ voices downstairs. Zerrin and The Hellcat were back!

  Chapter 6

  Don’t mess with him, babe!

  We bounded downstairs and ran into the kitchen.

  ‘Hi, Ruby!’ said Zerrin with a charming smile. She is so nice. Amazingly pretty, with the family hair: long, black and shiny. Her teeth stick out a little bit, but she’s got a brace at the moment so that will be sorted. I love it when she shakes her long hair about. My own hair is what Joe calls ‘mousy rats’ tails’.

  The Hellcat looked at me and smiled. Her lips were redder than ever.

  ‘This is Holly,’ said Zerrin graciously. Although she’s very shy and gentle, she’s always polite. ‘Holly, this is Yasmin’s friend Ruby.’

  ‘Hi,’ said Holly. Now she really looked amazing. She had the usual white face and red lips, and she was wearing a black lacy top that looked like a spider’s web, and a purple velvet skirt.

  ‘Hi,’ I said, and – stupidly – blushed. It was like being introduced to the Queen or something. Up close, I could see that one of her rings was in the shape of a skull. Somehow I felt she ought to be living in a high tower overlooking a spooky lake, not sitting down at Yasmin’s kitchen table and saying she was ‘absolutely starving’.

  The soup was great. Zerrin and Holly told us all about their new job packing airline meals.

  ‘God, it’s exciting!’ said Holly sarcastically. ‘I’m so tempted to snack on the little bits of cheese. And we get to wear these fabulous protective clothes – shower caps and white coats. So Ralph Lauren!’

  I had somehow imagined Holly would be rather grand and silent, and not say much. But once she started chatting, she barely stopped for breath. Even Yasmin’s mum couldn’t compete.

  ‘Your brother’s going to art school, right?’ she said, suddenly looking straight at me. I almost choked on my soup.

  ‘My brother?’

  ‘Joe Rogers is your brother, isn’t he?’ asked Holly.

  ‘Yes,’ I admitted, my heart sinking. Joe is so awful I really didn’t want people to know we’re related.

  ‘Holly worships Joe,’ said Zerrin with a sly grin. ‘What with him being in the sixth form and everything.’

  ‘He’s a legend,’ said Holly. I was shocked. They had clearly never smelt his socks. ‘How old is he?’ Holly asked.

  ‘Seventeen,’ I said. It sounded so terribly, terribly old.

  ‘When’s his birthday?’ asked Zerrin with a giggle.

  ‘May 15th. Just a couple of months ago.’ Holly and Zerrin exchanged a strange smile.

  ‘I told you!’ said Zerrin. ‘He’s a Taurus!’

  ‘Wow!’ Holly raised one of her perfect eyebrows. ‘A bull! Watch out! Don’t mess with him, babe! You could end up being gored!’ They laughed again. In fact, they went into giggle overdrive.

  ‘Steady on!’ said Yasmin’s mum, collecting the soup dishes. ‘Don’t get hysterical. It could lead to indigestion. My uncle Sultan was laughing at a joke once, and he choked on an almond and nearly died.’

  Everybody went a bit quiet at this story. I just hoped there weren’t any almonds for pudding. It was nut-free, thank goodness: fruit salad.

  ‘Now you girls can relax,’ said Mrs Saffet, ‘because you’ve had your five pieces of fruit and veg for the day.’

  ‘I could eat fruit all day,’ said Holly. ‘I so adore it! I’m going to be a monkey when I grow up.’

  Everybody laughed. I could hardly believe it. A monkey! We were obviously soulmates. She could certainly join my gang up in the canopy.

  ‘Zerrin’s going to be an astrologer when she leaves school,’ said Yasmin.

  ‘Oh, wow!’ I said.

  ‘Well, actually, of course, I’m going to do business studies,’ said Zerrin in a sensible voice. ‘But I’m going to do people’s charts in my spare time.’

  ‘Zerrin can tell what sign people are just by looking at them,’ said Yasmin.

  ‘Really?’ I said. ‘How amazing! What sign am I, then?’

  Zerrin looked at me and frowned a bit, as if she was trying to read my mind. Holly watched, fascinated.

  ‘I can’t always do it,’ said Zerrin, tossing her long black hair back off her face. ‘But I think you’re either a Gemini or a Leo. Yes?’

  ‘Wow!’ I said, astonished. ‘Yes! You did it! I’m a Leo. In fact, my birthday’s in two weeks’ time.’

  ‘What are you going to get for your birthday?’ asked Holly. ‘Or is it a surprise?’

  Suddenly I felt a little bit sad, even though Yasmin’s kitchen was so bright and sunny and cheerful.

  ‘I wanted a tree house,’ I said. ‘But my parents said no.’

  ‘Harsh,’ said Holly. ‘Never mind. The same thing happened to me. I wanted a pet iguana, and my parents said no. But I’m going to get one anyway. That’s why I’ve got this job. I’m saving up for an iguana.’

  ‘Can we have an iguana, Mum?’ asked Yasmin.

  ‘NO!’ said Yasmin’s mum, laughing. ‘You know the rules. No animals in the house. Not even a liddle tiny one.’

  ‘Apart from Dad, of course,’ said Zerrin. We all laughed. Dads are rather animal-like sometimes. I’m a bit afraid of Yasmin’s dad, to be honest. It’s his moustache. But he’s also quite strict. Thank goodness he was out at work. He’s rich. He sells fitted kitchens (which is one reason why Yasmin’s kitchen is so beautiful). My dad is a bit of a wimp compared to Yasmin’s dad, but I wouldn’t swap them for anything.

  I felt more cheerful as we finished lunch. Holly had inspired me. I wasn’t going to give up my plan just yet. There had to be a way to make it come true. There just had to.

  Chapter 7

  I’ve had a brilliant idea!

  After lunch we went out into Yasmin’s back garden and made a den. There’s a table out there where they have meals sometimes in hot weather. Yasmin’s mum gave us some old curtains and we draped them over the table so they hung down the sides. We put a blanket on the floor. It was like a tent.

  ‘You be the footballer going out to work,’ said Yasmin. ‘I’ll be the wife – wait! I’ll go and get some dolls. We’ll have seventeen sons and twenty-three daughters.’ She ran off. I stayed in the den. I didn’t want to get into an argument over the size of our family. Soon she reappeared, carrying all our children in a box. I tried hard to look interested.

  ‘OK,’ said Yasmin. ‘They’re called David, Victoria, Britney, Beyoncé, Jude, Jason, Kylie, Vince, Harry … er …’

  ‘OK, OK,’ I said. ‘I’m off to practice now. Apparently the manager’s thinking of selling me to Chelsea so by the end of the week we could be celebrating!’

  ‘Great,’ said Yasmin. ‘I’ll book a table at the Ritz. I’m going to relax on the patio all day.’

  ‘Fine,’ I said. ‘I’m off, then.’ And I went off down the garden and pretended to kick a ball about. I could hear Yasmin in the den, talking to the dolls. She seemed to be telling them off. I feel sorry for her future children.

  After a while I completely forgot I was supposed to be a footballer. I looked up into a tree. It was beautiful up there. I almost envied the birds. My tree house seemed a total impossibility.

  But then I thought of Holly. She had her heart set on an iguana. She was earning money to buy one. She hadn’t taken ‘no’ for an answer. She was lucky though. Teenagers get jobs all the time. It’s so unfair. If only I could go to work in the factory with Zerrin and Holly, I might earn enough money to pay for a tree house. But I was too young.

  I wanted to get rid of this sad mood, so I strolled over to the hedge and peeped through into the car park. There was nothing exciting to see: just rows
of parked cars. Some of them looked dusty in the sunlight. There was one which was so dirty, somebody had written ‘clean me’ in the dust.

  Suddenly I almost jumped out of my skin. That was it! We could clean cars! There wasn’t a law against small kids cleaning cars. I might make enough money to buy a tree house – or build one somewhere.

  ‘Hey, David! When are you coming home?’ Yasmin called. She was kneeling at the entrance to the tent. I ran back to her. She threw her arms around me and gave me a smacking kiss.

  ‘Get off!’ I yelled. ‘I’ve had a brilliant idea!’

  ‘Where are we going for dinner?’ asked Yasmin. ‘The Ritz? Or shall we nip over to Paris? Shall I ask Jeeves to get the plane out?’

  ‘No, never mind that!’ I said excitedly. ‘Listen! We could wash cars for money!’

  Yasmin looked puzzled.

  ‘What for?’ she asked.

  ‘If I can make enough money during the school holidays, I might be able to get a tree house!’ I said.

  Yasmin looked a bit bored and cross. ‘Look, Ruby, I’m really sorry that you can’t have your tree house,’ she said. ‘But you haven’t even got a tree. I mean, where do you start?’

  ‘There are lots of trees out in the country,’ I said.

  ‘But trees out in the country still belong to somebody,’ said Yasmin with a slight scowl. ‘Farmers or whatever.’

  ‘Well, I’ll rent a tree from the farmer then. Have you got a bucket? Let’s start now!’

  And I ran straight indoors and upstairs to Yasmin’s mum’s study. Yasmin followed. We burst in, panting. Yasmin’s mum was sitting at her computer.

  Pleasecanwehaveabucketofwater?’ I yelled. ‘So we can washcarsformoney?’

  ‘Steady on!’ said Yasmin’s mum, laughing. ‘Now, slow down a liddle bit, get your breath back and start again.’

  Once she’d understood what we were asking, Yasmin’s mum sort of sighed, smiled, and tried to look kind and sympathetic. I just knew she was going to say NO.