The Motherf**ker with the Hat Read online

  COUSIN JULIO: I was tipsy at the christening, pero, I coulda sworn I was feeding you margaritas whenever I hit the bar.

  JACKIE: For Veronica, man — not for me!

  COUSIN JULIO: If you say so.

  JACKIE: Motherfucker, I do say so! ’Cuz that’s the facts!

  RALPH D: If you had a slip, Jackie, it’s okay to say so —

  JACKIE: — Bro, I didn’t slip nothin’. Everything that motherfuckers tell me to do since I got out, I do it. You tell me don’t drink, I don’t drink. My P.O. say, “Pee in a cup,” I pee in that shit. The state say I can’t be out after 8, my ass is home 7:59. All I do is be obedient, and all motherfuckers do is doubt me!

  RALPH D: Okay. I’m just saying —

  JACKIE: All due respect, I’m a little offended you don’t believe me.

  RALPH D: Offended?

  JACKIE: A little bit. Yeah.

  RALPH D: Put it in your journal.

  JACKIE: Oh, I will.

  RALPH D: Yeah, put it in right after the part where I said, “No bullshit, no guns,” and you said, “Oh, absolutely, I’m going to a meeting.”

  JACKIE: Those are two separate issues. The gun and the drinking, they’re completely different things.

  RALPH D: It’s interesting that you see it that way.

  COUSIN JULIO: Papi, are we talking about what? Guns?

  JACKIE: (To RALPH.) It’s just: Trust, it’s a two-way street, bro.

  RALPH D: It’s funny: My sponsor used to annoy the fuck outta me too — until the day I realized maybe he knew something I didn’t.

  JACKIE: I’m just saying — I’m not drinking.

  RALPH D: Okay. And I’m just wondering how “offended” you were when I came to visit you in the prison every month for the last two years?

  JACKIE: I apologize, okay.

  RALPH D: Not too “offended” then, huh?

  JACKIE: I said I apologize.

  RALPH D: No need to apologize. I got no opinion about it one way or the other.

  COUSIN JULIO: Anyway, you know — maybe I got it wrong, I must confess I do enjoy a frothy margarita or a nice cold Beck’s beer every now and then — particularly at gatherings. That’s why I work out.

  RALPH D: I can see that. Whaddya bench?

  COUSIN JULIO: It’s not about numbers, it’s about reps.

  RALPH D: I’ve heard that. But is it really true?

  COUSIN JULIO: My trainer says the only number that matters is the time on the alarm clock when you get your ass up and hit the gym.

  RALPH D: Makes a lot of sense. I work out too. Over at the Y.

  COUSIN JULIO: I’m at David Barton’s.

  RALPH D: Cool. Yeah, I try to get Jackie to come along with me, get the blood flowing in a positive direction, but he don’t listen. Say, are you into nutritional beverages?

  COUSIN JULIO: I brew my own, papi, — wanna check out my fridge?

  RALPH D: Hey, lemme just ask: Do you take vitamins for your hair?

  COUSIN JULIO: My hair?

  RALPH D: You got great hair, that’s all. I’m a little embarrassed, but I feel like I’m going bald too quick.

  COUSIN JULIO: Really? I don’t think so. Bend your head, let me see your follicle base.

  JACKIE: Yo, can we get to the matter at hand?!

  COUSIN JULIO: Sure … Sorry … So, what’s the matter at hand?

  RALPH D: By the way, I’m Jackie’s sponsor. Ralph D.

  COUSIN JULIO: It’s a pleasure. And on the hair: elmwood bark and the paste of chermoula and fresh harissa, twice a day to the scalp.

  RALPH D: Really?

  COUSIN JULIO: Oh yeah … In ten weeks: James Brown.

  JACKIE: Yo!

  RALPH D: Anyway, yeah, I told Jackie I would be accompanying him here today, so he doesn’t try to pull the wool over your eyes.

  COUSIN JULIO: Well, glad to have you. How’s the empananda?

  RALPH D: Fuckin’ delicious. (To JACKIE.) Jackie, why don’t you tell Julio here about your present predicament?

  JACKIE: (To JULIO.) I need you to hide this gun for me, man.

  RALPH D: (To JACKIE.) Start at the beginning, Jackie.

  COUSIN JULIO: I don’t think I wanna hear this.

  JACKIE: (To JULIO.) Wait. Look, Julio: Events transpired —

  RALPH D: From the beginning, Jackie.

  JACKIE: Aaight. A coupla months ago, when I first got out, me and Ralph here had a fight —

  RALPH D: — A disagreement

  JACKIE: — A disagreement. We had a disagreement, and he fired me as his sponsee.

  RALPH D: You fired yourself.

  JACKIE: Okay, for the sake of fuckin’ brevity, I fired myself, and then I needed a new sponsor — you know what a sponsor is?

  COUSIN JULIO: I was in a sex addiction fellowship, so, yeah, I know.

  JACKIE: Sex addiction?

  COUSIN JULIO: It’s all behind me now — no pun intended.

  JACKIE: Anyway, I needed a new sponsor so I got this woman, which, everyone said don’t get a girl as a sponsor for a guy, but I was in a pinch —

  RALPH D: — You were attracted to her.

  JACKIE: — She had a very strong program —

  RALPH D: (To JULIO.) Strong set of “C” cups, Julio — Betty Boop with a big book, believe me —

  COUSIN JULIO: — I see —

  JACKIE: — Anyway, nothing happened, but Veronica fuckin’ hated her, threatened to — quote — “rip the bitch’s vagina out from out her fuckin’ mouth” — so I had to lie and say I wasn’t working with her no more; and lying about it led to doing things on the DL, and the DL led to, like, feeling like something was going on, and then feeling like something was going on led to —

  COUSIN JULIO: You fucked her.

  JACKIE: I didn’t fuck her. She fucked me.

  RALPH D: Yeah, you know how that goes, Julio: Women overpower men through sheer physical force and pin them down and ride them like ponies all the fuckin’ time — it’s in the papers everyday.

  JACKIE: Whatever — something fuckin’ miniscule happened. And I immediately ended it, and apologized to Ralph who took me back, but then this crazy AA girl started calling the house — and even though she never said nothing about we fucked, like, on tape, Veronica got in her head that we had — which — for all she knew, we hadn’t!

  COUSIN JULIO: But you did.

  JACKIE: But she didn’t know that! And really, the whole thing was like a dream — not a dream that I, like, aspired to, but like a nightmare where you wake up all fucked up, and you’re like, “Did that just fuckin’ happen?!” But unfortunately, in this particular, completely unintended instance —

  COUSIN JULIO: It did.

  JACKIE: Kinda. Yeah.

  COUSIN JULIO: You fucked her.

  JACKIE: Technically! And that’s my cross. But in reality, Julio — in the fuckin’ dimension outside of temporary insanity — IN MY HEART? In my heart — YOU GOTTA BELIEVE ME — dat shit never happened!

  COUSIN JULIO: Okay: Except for the fact that it actually happened, it didn’t really happen.

  JACKIE: Exactly!

  RALPH D: Good to see we’re all on the same page here.

  COUSIN JULIO: Yeah, man, I get it. I do. It happened to me once before I got married to Marisol. And I’ll tell you —

  JACKIE: Anyway, because of this crazy AA woman, which, I had a part in it, I’m not trying to make it like I’m a saint even though I’m straight up more or less not guilty — but the point — the point — is this: Do you know that motherfuckah with the hat that lives downstairs from me?

  COUSIN JULIO: A man with a hat?

  JACKIE: You know him. You seent him. He’s, like, fake dapper, his pants got creases an’ shit, only wears brand-new white T-shirts, then throws them out after one day — you know, that “thinking he’s a GQ” motherfucker — and all the time sportin’ a brim to cover his big fuckin’ head?!

  COUSIN JULIO: I don’t know.

  RALPH D: Anyway.

  JACKIE: Anyway, V
eronica, I think, was upset about the AA woman even though for all she knows nothing happened, and so, my belief is she started fuckin’ the motherfucker with the hat so she could prove to herself that she don’t love me, but, of course, we all know she do love me, but now, I found out about it ’cuz the motherfucker left his hat on my table — so — I got upset, I got a gun from Chuchi, and I took the hat and the gun to the motherfucker with the hat’s apartment downstairs, and … that’s when a incident happened.

  COUSIN JULIO: Dios mio, you didn’t shoot him, did you?

  JACKIE: See, that’s what Veronica woulda done! She woulda just knocked on a door and started capping bodies an’ shit! But that ain’t me. You known me since Chinese handball, Julio — is that me?

  COUSIN JULIO: (To RALPH.) It’s not him. It’s really not.

  JACKIE: All I did: I knocked on the door. Motherfucker with the hat answered. I didn’t say nothing. I just took the hat — the hat from my house, tossed it on his carpet, stared him straight in his eye, cocked the gun, and shot the fuckin’ hat on the carpet. Dass all I did.

  COUSIN JULIO: You opened fire in his residence?

  JACKIE: I shot his hat. Dass all. And — BELIEVE ME — the motherfucker KNEW what that was about! The problem is, the bullet went through his hat, ricko-shayed off his floor, blew out his big screen TV, and put a hole into the guy next door’s apartment who was home at the time, so, I had to, like, flee … And now I gotta return the gun to fuckin’ Chuchi, but he ain’t around, so could you please hide the fuckin’ gun until, like, Chuchi could be located, please?

  COUSIN JULIO: You borrowed a gun from Chuchi?

  JACKIE: I know —

  COUSIN JULIO: Chuchi?!

  JACKIE: I wasn’t thinkin’ right.

  COUSIN JULIO: You borrowed a gun from Chuchi Alvarado, you did bad things with it, and now, you want me to hide the gun of Chuchi Alvarado.

  JACKIE: I’ll understand if you say no. (Beat.)

  COUSIN JULIO: Can I be honest with you?

  JACKIE: Ah, man, c’mon — please?

  COUSIN JULIO: No, Jackie. It’s okay. I’ll hide the gun.

  JACKIE: Thank you —

  COUSIN JULIO: — All’s I want to say to you is that I’m happy to help you out because you’re my cousin — you’re my blood — but really, I’m doing it in memory of your mom more than for you and I’d like to tell you why.

  JACKIE: Okay, whatever.

  RALPH D: Julio, would you like some privacy for this — I could wait in the kitchen or on the stoop outside?

  COUSIN JULIO: Ay, no. Thanks, though. And if you ever need a massage or some waxing, here’s my card.

  RALPH D: Thanks.

  COUSIN JULIO: Rolfing is my specialty. And Brazilian.

  RALPH D: Cool.

  COUSIN JULIO: I’m also a notary public.

  RALPH D: I’m in nutritional beverages, take a card.

  COUSIN JULIO: Great. Give me a few to pass out — I’m all about networking.

  RALPH D: That’s kind of you. Gimme a few more of yours.

  COUSIN JULIO: Ay, bless you!

  JACKIE: Yo — y’all got any more cards need passing out, or can you tell me what you wanna tell me, Julio, so’s I can be on my way?!

  COUSIN JULIO: Oh, I’m sorry — I didn’t realize you were in a rush to get what you want and leave.

  JACKIE: I’m not. Yes, papi.

  COUSIN JULIO: Yeah. You are. And that’s okay. The reason I said I’m doing this more for your mother’s memory than for you is because, maybe I never said this before, but, I don’t like you very much. And the reason I don’t like you very much is because you think you’re a nice guy, but really Jackie, you’re not that nice. You’ve basically made fun of me my whole life, you talk a lot of shit, you fuck people over — not all the time but sometimes — and really, the space between who you think you are and who you actually are is a pretty embarrassingly wide gap. I hope this AA thing works out for you. Because the cousin I loved and hung out with and played Booties Up with when I was 8 — he bears no resemblance to the little cabroncito I’m looking at right now. When I first came to the States from PR, you had my back, and, really, you were a hero to me. And now, dios perdona, the hero is a zero, mijo! My Marisol was right about you: It’s always all about Jackie. We’ve been married three years now, and whenever you come by our home, you don’t even bring so much as a bag of pistachios. And yet, you see nothing wrong with jeopardizing my relationship and my apartment and our safety by bringing criminal things like this caca into our home. You’re not a good friend, and you’re not a good relative. My Marisol called it: You’re a user. But thass okay. And that’s all I got to say on that, so you can get out of my apartment now, and go do all those very more important things than spending time with your cousin Julio, okay?

  JACKIE: Yo, Julio, it’s —

  COUSIN JULIO: No, no! Go. Pa fuera … Leave the gun. Take the empanadas.

  SCENE 4

  The next day. Early evening.VERONICA’s apartment. VERONICA is in the living room getting dressed, smoking a joint, and talking to someone in the bathroom.

  VERONICA: I can’t do this no more, okay?! It’s over for real! So please don’t gimme no static about it, ’cuz I’ll wrap a fuckin’ bedsheet ’round my head and go straight up Bin Laden on you — I’ll fuckin’ destroy you! And I don’t wanna do that, but if you ever fuckin’ come back here again, that’s how it’s gonna be! And I’m being nice about this ’cuz it ain’t like we had nothin’, it was something. It was messed up, and it messed me up, and basically I’m ready to hurl myself off a building any fuckin’ minute now, but I’m not saying what we had was nothin’ because it wasn’t nothin’, but now it’s over, so leggo my Eggo and have a nice life nowhere the fuck near me, okay?! Don’t say goodbye. Just go … (A man emerges from the bathroom. It’s RALPH. Naked.)

  RALPH D: … You know that woman sponsor he had when he first got out? He fucked her. (Pause.)

  VERONICA: I know.

  RALPH D: Yeah. He told me after being with her, physically, that the thought of being with you for life felt like he was settling. I told him he ought to have his head examined.

  VERONICA: … Why would you tell me that?

  RALPH D: Because it’s true. Because you deserve to know it.

  VERONICA: Oh please! You fake AA motherfuckers make me sick. Y’all all the time preaching honesty and selflessness, meanwhile y’all more dishonest and selfish than half of C Block at fuckin’ Rikers. Just get out of here, alright?

  RALPH D: That’s your excuse to stay fucked up? That’s the best you can do?

  VERONICA: Bitch, I hold down a job, I pay the rent, and I mostly don’t act the fool or be nasty for no reason, so in my book, if giving up my substances means I gotta turn into the navel-gazing, fake-recovered, self-satisfied clown like the bitches I see up at your meetings, then you know what — pass the joint, shake me a margarita, and kiss my ass while I blow a fuckin’ crack pipe, Ralph! Go put that in your fuckin’ big book, bitch.

  RALPH D: … I’ll miss you.

  VERONICA: Yeah, well, I missed the Easter Bunny, but I got over it. (A beat. RALPH begins dressing.)

  RALPH D: … So … which salon are you cutting hair at now?

  VERONICA: It’s a little place off 7th called “None of your fuckin’ business.”

  RALPH D: Well, if you need money for rehab — or an exorcism — let me know.

  VERONICA: Oh doan worry. The little money you helped me out with, that you hold over my head like you donated a fuckin’ kidney, it will all be paid back in full.

  RALPH D: That’s not necessary. I was glad to help.

  VERONICA: Whatever.

  RALPH D: … I’m thinking about leaving my wife.

  VERONICA: Good. Think about it more on your way out.

  RALPH D: I’m serious. What if I told you I’d leave her? That I’d be your man full-time, no bullshit?

  VERONICA: You was never my man part-time, Ralph. You was never nothin’ but an emo
tional fuckin’ escape hatch, and a free ride upstate once a month to see my man — and dass the all of it. We fucked five times in two years, and this makes six, and we done now — so please, for the last time, leave quietly before I get agitational on your ass — ’cuz believe me, right now, I got nothin’ better to do than to go Buck on a motherfucker — and if you keep trying me, that exactly what I’m gonna fuckin’ do!

  RALPH D: Your bravado, Veronica — it’s a lotta transparently ignorant, defensive nonsense and you know it. It feels so good when you’re spewing it, right? Because it’s so “how we do,” “in your face,” “talk to the hand,” fuckin’ “you go girl!”, and all that schoolyard, jailhouse, hood rat buncha bullshit? But what happens when the rush of acting like a fuckin’ animal passes, Veronica — and you’ve vented all your shit, and there’s nothing and no one left to lash out at, and no more drugs till morning, and you’re just all alone, by yourself — with nothing to feel except how fucked up your life is and how you basically just wanna die? … Again?! Yeah, that’s right. And the one person you know with the actual means to help you, who actually got a real feeling in his heart for you, who thinks being with you would be nothing like “settling”; the one guy who’s been there for you for the last two years 24/7 whatever you need, who jeopardized his marriage for you, who picked you up out of bars when you were stumbling like a fuckin’ suicidal, homeless zombie, who took you home and didn’t fuck you? That guy?! Me?! Well, you just went “Buck” on him, so forget about that guy.

  VERONICA: I already have. (Beat.)

  RALPH D: It ain’t never gonna work between you and Jackie — you know that, right? People attract who they’re ready for — and the two of you ain’t ready for nothing but more of this same type spinning your wheels bullshit …

  VERONICA: … You’re not gonna say anything to him about any of this, are you?

  RALPH D: … No. That would be helping no one. He’s staying at my place, you know. Jackie.

  VERONICA: … That’s nice.

  RALPH D: Hey, we do what we can.

  VERONICA: … Good … Bye.

  RALPH D: You could do a lot better though. And you always got my number.

  VERONICA: You’re all class, Ralph.

  RALPH D: It takes courage to change …