The Motherf**ker with the Hat Read online

  THE MOTHERFUCKER WITH THE HAT

  Stephen Adly Guirgis

  THE MOTHERFUCKER

  WITH THE HAT

  OBERON BOOKS

  LONDON

  WWW.OBERONBOOKS.COM

  This edition first published in 2015 by Oberon Books Ltd

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  Copyright © 2011, by Stephen Adly Guirgis

  Stephen Adly Guirgis is hereby identified as author of this play in accordance with section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. The author has asserted his moral rights.

  CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that performance of THE MOTHERFUCKER WITH THE HAT is subject to payment of a royalty. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, and of all countries covered by the International Copyright Union (including the Dominion of Canada and the rest of the British Commonwealth), and of all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention, the Universal Copyright Convention, the Berne Convention, and of all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights, including without limitation professional/amateur stage rights, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television. video or sound recording, all other forms of mechanical, electronic and digital reproduction, transmission and distribution, such as CD, DVD, the Internet, private and file-sharing networks, information storage and retrieval systems, photocopying, and the rights of translation into foreign languages are strictly reserved. Particular emphasis is placed upon the matter of readings, permission for which must be secured from the Author’s agent in writing.

  Inquiries concerning rights should be addressed to William Morris Endeavor Entertainment, LLC, 1325 Avenue of the Americas, 15th Floor, New York, NY 10019. Attn: John Buzzetti.

  THE MOTHERFUCKER WITH THE HAT, Original Broadway Production Produced by Scott Rudin, Public Theater Productions (Oskar Eustis, Artistic Director; Joey Parnes, Executive Producer), LAByrinth Theater Company, Fabula Media Partners LLC, Jean Doumanian, Ruth Hendel, Carl Moellenberg, Jon B. Platt and Tulchin Bartner/Jamie de Roy.

  A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

  PB ISBN: 9781783198085

  EPUB ISBN: 9781783198849

  Cover design by Graphic Design Studio at National Theatre

  Printed, bound and converted

  by CPI Group (UK) Ltd, Croydon, CR0 4YY.

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  Contents

  Characters

  Production Team

  National Theatre

  Cast

  Scene 1

  Scene 2

  Scene 3

  Scene 4

  Scene 5

  Scene 6

  Scene 7

  Scene 8

  Scene 9

  Characters

  JACKIE

  RALPH D.

  VERONICA

  VICTORIA

  COUSIN JULIO

  Place

  New York City.

  THE MOTHERFUCKER WITH THE HAT

  by STEPHEN ADLY GUIRGIS

  Original Broadway production produced by Scott Rudin Stuart Thompson Public Theater Productions LAByrinth Theater Company Fabula Media Partners LLC Jean Doumanian Ruth Hendel Carl Moellenberg Jon B Platt Tulchin Bartner/Jamie de Roy

  The Motherfucker with the Hat was developed at the Ojai Playwrights Company and LAByrinth Theater Company

  ***

  Jackie RICARDO CHAVIRA

  Veronica FLOR DE LIZ PEREZ

  Ralph ALEC NEWMAN

  Victoria NATHALIE ARMIN

  Cousin Julio YUL VÁZQUEZ

  Ricardo Chavira, Flor De Liz Perez, and Yul Vázquez are appearing with the support of UK Equity, incorporating the Variety Artistes’ Federation, pursuant to an exchange programme between American Equity and UK Equity.

  Understudies

  Martin Behrman (Jackie/Julio)

  Lisa Caruccio Came (Veronica/Victoria)

  Tom Peters (Ralph)

  Director INDHU RUBASINGHAM

  Designer ROBERT JONES

  Lighting Designer OLIVER FENWICK

  Sound Designer CAROLYN DOWNING

  Fight Director KEV McCURDY

  Dialect Coach CECILIE O’REILLY

  Company Voice Work JEANNETTE NELSON

  Staff Director HARRY MACKRILL

  OPENING

  Lyttelton Theatre 17 June 2015

  The National Theatre, where this play had its UK premiere in June 2015, is dedicated to making the very best theatre and sharing it with as many people as possible.

  We stage up to 30 productions at our South Bank home each year, ranging from re-imagined classics – such as Greek tragedy and Shakespeare – to modern masterpieces and new work by contemporary writers and theatre-makers. The work we make strives to be as open, as diverse, as collaborative and as national as possible. We want to inspire artists and audiences to think in new ways, to constantly re-imagine the act of making theatre. Much of that new work is researched and developed at the NT Studio: we are committed to nurturing innovative work from new writers, directors, creative artists and performers.

  The National’s work is also seen on tour throughout the UK and internationally, and in collaborations and co-productions with regional theatres. Popular shows transfer to the West End and occasionally to Broadway; and through the National Theatre Live programme, we broadcast live performances to 1500 cinemas in 40 countries around the world.

  Our extensive Learning programme offers talks, events and workshops for people of all ages in the new Clore Learning Centre, and reaches nationwide through programmes such as Connections, our annual festival of new plays for schools and youth theatres. From September, National Theatre: On Demand In Schools will make three acclaimed, curriculum-linked productions free to stream on demand in every secondary school in the country. Online, you’ll find a rich variety of innovative digital content on every aspect of theatre.

  We do all we can to keep ticket prices low and to reach a wide audience, and use our public funding to maintain artistic risk-taking, accessibility and diversity.

  The National Theatre building first opened in 1976. Designed by architect Denys Lasdun, it houses three auditoriums: the Olivier, Lyttelton and Dorfman theatres. A fourth – temporary – theatre was added in 2013. Like a theatre factory, the building also houses departments skilled in making costumes, wigs, scenery, props and everything else required to bring productions to the stage.

  Information: +44(0) 20 7452 3400

  Box Office: +44(0) 20 7452 3000

  National Theatre, South Bank, London SE1 9PX

  nationaltheatre.org.uk

  Registered Charity No: 224223

  Director Rufus Norris

  Executive Director Lisa Burger

  The Motherfucker with the Hat received its Broadway debut on April 11, 2011, presented by LAByrinth and the Public Theatre at the Gerald Schoenfeld Theatre. It was directed by Anna D. Shapiro; the scenic design was by Todd Rosenthal; the costume design was by Mimi O’Donnell; the lighting design was by Donald Holder; the original music was by Terence Blanchard; and the stage manager was Charles Means. The cast was as follows:

  JACKIE Bobby Cannavale

  RALPH D. Chris Rock

  VERONICA Elizabeth Rodrigue
z

  VICTORIA Annabella Sciorra

  COUSIN JULIO Yul Vázquez

  SCENE 1

  Late afternoon. A single room in a residential hotel in Times Square. Bottles. Ashtrays. Underwear. VERONICA is cleaning up. She talks on the phone, cleaning as she goes.

  VERONICA: Yeah … Um-hm … Nah, Ma, I’m listening. I’m just cleaning … Cleaning! … ’Cuz Jackie don’t clean, and I like my shit clean, Ma — alright? Um-hmm … Um-hmm … Yeah, well, you know my opinion on that, Ma — you should dump his ass! … Ma – the guy’s an angry, bald, deadbeat alcoholic crook who looks like a fuckin’ fish, I’m sorry! … Yeah, well, I’m sure Attila the Hun had his good points too, but that don’t mean I’d wanna shack up in his hut! … Attila the Hun. You know, he was a Hun? … A Hun, Ma, a Hun, I dunno, a fucked-up guy — a fuckin’ Hun! … I am speaking louder … It’s ’cuz you drink too much, you shouldn’t do that – hold on a sec. (She spots a line of blow and snorts it.) Ma, let’s talk in the morning … Ma? … Ma? Okay, look, for the last time, my opinion, you’re still a good-lookin’ woman with a huge, lovin’ heart and you’re not hard to please — clearly — but you’re dating a fuckin’ big-time loser with a head like a actual fuckin’ fish! … Okay, look, please, alls I’m gonna say, Ma, when you see him tonight: Take a moment. Take a breath. Take a real good look and just ax yourself in all honesty — “Do I wanna fuck him — or fry him up with a little adobo and paprika an’ feed him to fuckin’ Buster and Negrito, okay?!” … I love you too. I miss him too. Kiss Buster and Negrito for me. I got your check for the cable on Thursday, we’ll eat ice cream … love you, okay … (JACKIE enters with flowers. She hangs up.) Oh my God, are those for me?!

  JACKIE: I dunno! These flowers are for my “Beautiful Boriqua Taino Mamacita Love Me Long Time Princess fuckin’ Beauty Queen”! Are you my “Beautiful Boriqua Taino Mamacita Love Me Long Time Princess fuckin’ Beauty Queen”?!

  VERONICA: Yes, Mr. Man — I am your big, beautiful, whatever the fuck you just said Princess Queen!

  JACKIE: Then I guess these are yours! And this chocolate bar, and this lotto ticket, and this little tiny fuzzy bear that grips an’ shit, AND — Hold up! — AND these two movie tickets to see the movie that’s playing at the movie theater later when we go see the movie and eat popcorn and Junior Mints and whatever the fuck else you want ’cuz you’re my fuckin’ “Beautiful Boriqua Taino Mamacita Love Me Long Time Princess Goddess Supergirl Queen” — who happens to be eyeballing the newest member of this city’s fine-ass working-class workforce!

  VERONICA: You got a job?!

  JACKIE: Yo! Lemme tell you something about the man you share a Bed of Love with: When he says; “Baby, I’m a come home with a job today — ”

  VERONICA: — The motherfucker delivers?!

  JACKIE: Like FedEx, baby!

  VERONICA: I am so proud of you!

  JACKIE: I think I’m hyperventilating!

  VERONICA: Me too!

  JACKIE: I got a job today!

  VERONICA: I know you did!

  JACKIE: I did it because of you, Veronica!

  VERONICA: Nah baby, you did it ’cuz you’re the fuckin’ MAN — that’s why you did that shit!

  JACKIE: I ain’t saying I’m not the MAN — ’cuz clearly I AM the fuckin’ MAN — but, it’s because of you, Veronica — ’cuz you wanna know why?

  VERONICA: Why?

  JACKIE: Because get in this bed right now and lemme show you why!

  VERONICA: … Lemme shower first.

  JACKIE: I don’t care about that.

  VERONICA: But I wanna shower.

  JACKIE: But I like it like that.

  VERONICA: Jackie. I’ll be quick.

  JACKIE: … I love you, Veronica … (Beat.)

  VERONICA: Lemme shower, stoopid … (Beat.)

  JACKIE: Veronica?

  VERONICA: Yeah?

  JACKIE: Why you gettin’ all misty over there?

  VERONICA: I can’t get misty when my man warms my heart?

  JACKIE: Nah, yeah, you could get misty.

  VERONICA: You’re sober. You got a job. You got me a little fuzzy bear that grips an’ shit — what? — I can’t get misty if I’m feelin’ like that?

  JACKIE: Nah, yo, mist away — I’m good with dat.

  VERONICA: … I’m gonna go to Carvel after we finish our business, and I’m gonna get you a fuckin’ cake, baby.

  JACKIE: Yeah?

  VERONICA: A big-ass Wally The Whale cake wit’ chocolate and sprinkles and icing and Carvel goodness and Carvel love all up in it.

  JACKIE: Take a shower, mami — ’cuz I’m ready to do work!

  VERONICA: Oh yeah?

  JACKIE: Yo: When I’m done with that ass, that ass gonna levitate three feet off the mattress! And you gonna be like, “Yo, Jackie: Why me and my ass floatin’ in the air like this?” And I’ll be like —

  VERONICA: Hold that thought. I’ll be back in a minute.

  VERONICA exits to the shower.

  JACKIE: Oh! And yo, I didn’t even tell you about the best part!

  VERONICA: Did you tell your P.O. yet?

  JACKIE: What?

  VERONICA: Your parole officer, you told him about your job?

  JACKIE: Yeah. He told me, “Whaddya want? A medal for doing what you’re supposed to be doing?” — but I could tell his ass was happy …

  VERONICA: … I’m gettin’ in the shower now.

  JACKIE: Okay … Can you hear me?

  VERONICA: Mmm-hmm. (JACKIE strips. Gets in bed.)

  JACKIE: Yo, the best part: career advancement! This guy, Veronica — the boss an’ shit — he talked to me just like one human being to another, Veronica. He tol’ me; “We only got two rules here: Be polite to the tenants, and be polite to each other.” … And I thought about it, and I was like, “Those are good rules, sir,” and then he was like, “Good enough. Start Monday.” … And after I left, I was like, “That motherfucker was right.” ’Cuz, really, life is too short, ya know?” Why shouldn’t we all be nice, or at least, like try … Ya know? An’ yo — career advancement! If I hook this up right, these people got like five buildings. I could go from porter to maybe even a super ’cuz I already got the repair shit down, and then you get free rent and cable and even free Internet for like emails an’ shit, and union benefits — and they got a strong-ass union — and anyway, I started thinkin’, Veronica, ya know, and I started makin’ plans, you know? Like — grown-up plans, like “you and me” plans, happy plans, like, “next step”plans, Veronica, you know, like how you been saying? And I juss

  …

  He stops. He notices a hat on the table. He fixates on it. Beat. He crosses to the hat and examines it. He picks up the hat and sniffs it. Beat. He looks around the room. Then goes back to the bed. He smells the sheets and pillows. Beat. VERONICA enters from out the shower. She looks good and she knows it.

  VERONICA: … Hey.

  JACKIE: Hey. (She moves towards him.)

  VERONICA: I look good, right? …

  JACKIE: … Um … Yeah.

  VERONICA: You had to think about it?

  JACKIE: Nah.

  VERONICA: … What?

  JACKIE: Um … Was someone here?

  VERONICA: No. Why?

  JACKIE: Nah, just … Nobody was here?

  VERONICA: I thought I just answered that.

  JACKIE: Um … Wass up with the hat?

  VERONICA: What hat?

  JACKIE: That hat over there. That man hat that ain’t my hat that’s right over there.

  VERONICA: Dass not your hat? (Pause.)

  JACKIE: … Anything you need to say?

  VERONICA: ’Bout what?

  JACKIE: You don’t need to say nothin’?

  VERONICA: Jackie —

  JACKIE: — Don’t “Jackie” me, okay? I’m calm, I’m civil, I’m polite.

  VERONICA: … And?

  JACKIE: You know my mother gave us this bed, right?

  VERONICA: If you got something to say, why donchu just
leave your fuckin’ mother out of it and say what you gotta say.

  JACKIE: The hat: It ain’t mine.

  VERONICA: So? It’s prolly your friend’s. Or your fuckin’ sponsor’s. Or whoever the fuck else comes up here sometimes — that old man down the hall you always got coming the fuck by. I don’t know.

  JACKIE: You don’t know?

  VERONICA: You know what? Go fuck yourself. I don’t know what your problem is, and I don’t know why you’re buggin’ the fuck out over a hat could belong to anybody —

  JACKIE: — You’re right.

  VERONICA: I know I’m fuckin’ right —

  JACKIE: Fuck the hat.

  VERONICA: Fuck the hat?

  JACKIE: Dass what I said. Fuck the hat.

  VERONICA: Good. Fuck it.

  JACKIE: Dass right: The hat, fuck it!

  VERONICA: Okay then.

  JACKIE: That hat: Dass a hat I got no interest in.

  VERONICA: How about my apology now? You got any interest in that?

  JACKIE: The bed.

  VERONICA: The bed what?

  JACKIE: Aqua Velva and dick. Why the bed smells like Aqua Velva and dick? Huh?! Why?!

  VERONICA: Jackie —

  JACKIE: — Stay away from me!

  VERONICA: You’re crazy, you know that?

  JACKIE: I’m crazy? Yo, head of the bed: Aqua Velva! Mid bed: fuckin’ dick! Here. Smell it. Smell that shit and tell me it ain’t dick!

  VERONICA: You’re acting fuckin’ retarded —

  JACKIE: Maybe I am retarded! Maybe I’m fuckin’, you know — like the guy from the bodega who sits on the milk crate and asks you if you like Batman and Ritz Crackers every fuckin’ day! Maybe I’m that fuckin’ guy!

  VERONICA: You actin’ like that guy —

  JACKIE: — ’Cuz I’m trying very hard not to leap to conclusions, Veronica, but I’m a bit — I don’t know — unable to figure the fuck out why this bed — my mother’s fuckin’ bed —

  VERONICA: — Again with your fuckin’ mother—

  JACKIE: —You watch your mouth about my mother—

  VERONICA: Watch my mouth about your mother? No. YOU watch my mouth about your mother! Fuck your mother! Okay? Fuck your fuckin’ bitch-ass mother, and her bitch-ass big deal second-hand bed, and fuck her bitch-ass son, okay?! If your mother — rest in peace — was here right now, I’d strap on a fuckin’ dildo and fuck the two of youse right in your little faggot-ass, les-bionic asses, you little fuckin’ bitch — okay?! “Over, the end, don’t like you no more!” Get the fuck out! (VERONICA goes to the table, does a line of blow.)