Anywhere With You Read online

  “I’ll talk to Kellen. Tomorrow morning I’ll hang the ‘Now Hiring’ sign in the window. We’ll leave on the twelfth.” I’d already mapped out the trip to St. Louis with Kellen for that week. I just had to hope he’d be willing to extend it a couple thousand miles beyond St. Louis, or I would be the third wheel, but there was no way I was missing out on that many days in a car with the two of them. If nothing else, it promised to be entertaining as hell.

  Three

  Cici

  Two weeks later

  Road Trip to Hell Day 1

  How had I let Shae talk me into this again?

  Oh yeah, she dared me and my pride wouldn’t let me back down. How did that saying go? Pride before the fall?

  That, and clearly, I had to be a masochist. It was the only plausible explanation for why I was loading my bags into the back of Luke’s Range Rover.

  Shae tossed her bag in behind me, a smile on her face, and then she bounced off with a little extra pep in her step. Everyone was all sunshine and daisies this morning. I was the only one who seemed to get that we weren’t going to Disneyland. Highway to Hell was already playing in my head.

  So why was I really doing it? Dare or no dare, what was I thinking agreeing to this?

  If I was honest with myself, part of me wanted to prove to my parents and the rest of my family that I wasn’t the girl I’d been at nineteen when I left California. I wasn’t the screw-up they said I was. I didn’t need them to make something of myself. I wanted them to see that. I wanted them to eat their words and show them all that they were wrong about me.

  I wanted them to taste even the tiniest bit of the regret I’d known.

  And I just hoped that maybe after all this time they might …

  Ugh!

  That was the crux of it. Hope; it’s a bitch that leads you on and just when you think you’re about to get lucky– Bam! Instead you get a big fat, ‘sorry fucker, today’s not your day.’ Didn’t stop me from holding out for the impossible, even though I was never going to be what they wanted.

  “It’s not too late to back out of this,” Luke appeared at my back, “or change the destination. My brother reserved the villa at the Mexico resort.” He reached around me to situate the luggage and make more room. For a second, I let myself imagine myself stretched out on a beach in Mexico, lapping up the luxury at his family’s resort, drinking Pina Coladas instead of sipping wine at the vineyard.

  “Will there be cabana boys in thongs to fan me, rub me down in oil and feed me fruit?”

  “You can forget about the thong, unless you’re the one wearing it, but I’ll give you a rub down,” he smirked.

  I rolled my eyes. “Fine, if you won’t wear the thong, you have to buy all my alcohol.”

  “Deal, should I book the flights?”

  I deflated. “I wish. But I sent the damn RSVP and I received a call from my mother after they got it. They’re expecting us now.” Not that she’d sounded the least bit thrilled about it.

  “Then California it is, but don’t look so down. You might as well enjoy the ride, honey.” He winked much to my chagrin.

  “You don’t have to start that shit for about ten days.”

  “Just practicing, sweetie-bear.”

  I glared.

  “Too much?” he laughed.

  Kellen appeared with two bricks of ice before I could smack Luke, or hell, do something really shocking to wipe that smirk off his face like kiss him. Ha! He wouldn’t know what to do. He definitely wouldn’t have a smart retort for that. Then again, that seemed like a really bad idea, because I wasn’t sure I’d know what to do if I kissed him either. It wouldn’t be the first time, but those memories were better not dredged up.

  That catastrophe was back before we drew the lines and promised not to ever cross them again. The only reason we’d managed to stay friends all these years was that no matter how much we flirted, or how hot the sexual tension got after a few drinks, we just didn’t go there. Ever.

  “You call me sweetie-bear one more time and I’ll start calling you shnookums.”

  He cringed and I turned to saunter off and see if Shae needed any help while they filled the cooler with the ice. I was stopped before I made it more than a few feet.

  “Hey, Ci,” Luke had gotten rid of the playful smile, his features much softer. “All kidding and thongs aside, are you sure you really want to go through with this trip? I wasn’t kidding that it’s not too late to back out. Screw the RSVP and your mom. Tell me where you want to go and I’ll make it happen.”

  Teasing, playful Luke was fun, although sometimes an annoying dick, but this was the guy who’d become my best friend. This was the reason he was the only person I truly trusted and let myself rely on, because I knew he’d never let me down. He’d been looking out for me since the moment I walked into his club, six years ago. That’s also why I would never let sex mess it up. It almost did once, I’d never risk that again. He was more than that to me. It wasn’t what Shae thought, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t everything to me.

  The problem was, when it came to this real shit, I just wasn’t good at doing the talking thing. Even with him, I felt too exposed. The words were always there in my head, but somehow, they got lost or jumbled up on the way to my mouth and stupid shit came out or nothing at all, or my natural defense mechanism of spitting out inappropriate remarks kicked in.

  “I need to do this,” I managed with resolve, realizing that dammit, Shae was right all along. I needed to make this trip whether I wanted to or not.

  Luke nodded and tugged a lock of my hair affectionately. “I’m proud of you.” Without another word, he went back to helping Kellen finish loading the back end. I slipped away to give Shae a hand. She was half hanging out of the car, her cute ass in the air, stuffing pillows and blankets everywhere.

  I smacked her butt, and she jumped. “Anything left to pack?” I asked with a laugh.

  “There are some snacks on the counter in the kitchen. Other than that, the guys just have to secure the rooftop carrier and we’re good to go.” She slid her phone out of her pocket. “And look at that, we might just get out of here by nine after all.”

  By the time the last of it was loaded and the luggage carrier was strapped down securely, stuffed full of everything that wasn’t deemed necessary to have accessible in the back, we were pushing nine o’clock. We had a long drive ahead of us, one of the longest days we’d spend on the road.

  Luke climbed into the driver’s seat and Shae piled into the back. Kellen didn’t hesitate to climb in after her, which meant I didn’t have to rock, paper, scissors anyone for shotgun.

  Luke cast a sideways smile at me. “You ready pookie?”

  I flashed him a dopey smile and batted my lashes. “You bet, shnookums. Let’s do this.”

  For a brief moment, I let myself imagine that he was the real deal. My gasp boyfriend. In my head, I cringed. It was such an innocent word; maybe a little too innocent for me. In the last six years, I’d had hook-ups, flings, casual affairs, but no boyfriends. Boyfriends meant commitment and emotional attachments and sappy feelings that had you listening to T Swift all day long. Just mark me down as no thanks.

  Make no mistake, Luke was definitely boyfriend material, that wasn’t the problem. The guy was like one-hundred percent boyfriend material with a fifteen hundred-thread count. The finest shit out there and you definitely wanted it on your bed to wrap your body around. That just wasn’t for me. I wasn’t girlfriend material. I’d sooner get horizontal with a clown, and I hated clowns.

  Luke reached into a sack that was at me feet and pulled out a bag of Twizzlers and tossed them on my lap, then a container of blueberry muffins, which he set on top of the Twizzlers, a bottle of iced tea which he placed in his cup holder and last, a can of clementine sparkling juice which he set in mine.

  “Bet you’re feeling pretty bad for threatening to give my mother a key to my house now,” he smirked.

  “Not really.” I popped open the muff
ins.

  “Onward to Nashville!” Shae smacked the back of my seat excitedly as Luke pulled out of her driveway and I tore into the container of muffins. Blueberry happened to be my favorite, just as Twizzlers were my candy of choice, and I felt about clementine sparkling juice the same way I did about my frou-frou lattes as Luke called them. As long as I had one or the other in my hand, I was happy. I tore off a piece of my muffin and shoved it against Luke’s lips. They twitched before parting and accepting the bit of tasty muffin.

  I went through two muffins, tearing off the occasional bite and feeding it to him, before Luke cut me off from the carb overload. I was three Twizzlers deep before he snatched that bag away as well.

  “Hey! Give those back!”

  “I didn’t buy them so you could them all at once. I thought you were cutting back on the sugar. This does not look like cutting back.”

  It was true that I was a sugar whore; I couldn’t say no. “It’s not like they have meetings for this sort of thing, and sometimes late at night the Oreos and cookie dough ice cream just call to me. Anyway, you’re the enabler who brought the candy in the car.”

  “Yeah, well now I’m unenabling. I’ll ration the Twizzlers from here on out.”

  “That’s cold.”

  I’d almost forgotten Shae and Kellen in the back seat until Shae asked if I wanted an orange, as if that made up for my stolen Twizzlers. Hardly, but I accepted anyway and shared that as well with Luke, already anxious for the first leg of this trip to be over with. We’d barely made it out of city limits, but by tonight we’d be in the land of country music.

  Music. Bars. Beer. Cowboy boots. Cowboys.

  “You going to ride a mechanical bull if we find one?” I asked Luke with a wicked smile.

  He glanced over. “Only if you do.”

  “A beer says I stay on longer than you.”

  He shook his head, a sexy grin playing with his lips. “Not a chance.”

  “This will be fun,” Shae laughed from the back seat. “Now all we need is some music to make this road trip official. Ci, can you plug in this auxiliary cord. I made a playlist on my phone for each day.”

  “Hold up, my car, my music.” Luke tossed a scowl over his shoulder, but we ignored his objections and I hooked her phone to the car. Old school Dixie Chicks blared from the expensive sound system.

  “Man, why did we agree to this?” Luke found Kellen’s gaze in the rearview. I twisted in my seat as Kellen chuckled and then his eyes were drawn to Shae. “I know why I’m here. So, the only one you gotta ask is yourself man.”

  “Obviously, I’m expecting to be paid in sexual favors for my time.”

  “You wish.” I smacked his shoulder. He took one hand off the wheel and caught mine, linking our fingers together. “Oh, come on Pooh Bear, you know I’m only playing. I expect to be paid in beer. The sexual favors you’ll throw in as a bonus.” He winked.

  “Keep dreaming, shnookums.” I started to tug my hand free of his, but he kept a tight hold on it even as his eyes returned to the road. Unfazed by this, I relaxed my hand in his. Touch was normal and comfortable between us and I wouldn’t have thought anything of it if I hadn’t caught Shae eyeing our joined hands in the rearview like she was catching us in the act of something more illicit.

  Only then did my hand in his begin to feel awkward. For crying out loud, it wasn’t like I was giving him a hand job. I dragged my eyes away and forced them to the road that stretched out in front of us. After a second, Luke released my hand and I pulled it back into my lap.

  Shae didn’t get my relationship with Luke, but I didn’t get her and Kellen either. Those two had really done a number on each other. I read the book, and I’d heard the firsthand accounts. The kind of hurt those two inflicted on each other wasn’t the kind you got over. Yet here they were. Why would you give someone a second chance to do that? As much as I loved them both, and hoped they got that elusive happily ever after this time around, I wasn’t sure I even believed in it. Mark me down as skeptical. It just didn’t seem worth the risk to me.

  Dixie Chicks transitioned to Tim McGraw and I softly hummed along as Tim sang about the first time he saw the girl in the song, right down to what she was wearing. I was pretty sure songs and movies were the only place that kind of love genuinely existed. For their sake, I hoped the two in the backseat proved me wrong.

  Something made me think back to the first night I met Luke and wondered how differently things might have turned out between us if I hadn’t already tossed all notions of romance out the window long before then. Maybe if I’d been a different girl, made a different choice, then I’d be able to fall for someone like Luke. If that were the case, would we still be sitting here? Would Luke be holding my hand for real? Or maybe he’d set his hand on my leg the way Kellen’s rested intimately on Shae’s thigh in the back.

  I’d never know. If I were a different girl, I probably never would have walked into the club six years ago. I never would have met Luke. Best not to wonder about could have beens and might have beens.

  My work wardrobe might have changed, but I was what I was and one thing I would never be was that girl. I could have been her once, maybe, if I’d made different choices, or events had played out differently. Or maybe I was kidding myself and I never had a chance. Maybe every road lead to here.

  I didn’t truly know anymore. I only knew that six years ago, I’d been young, naïve, and full of rebellion. I’d held up two middle fingers to the world and my parents. Well I sure showed them.

  Funny how when we’re young we don’t think about the long-term effects of the choices we make. We’re too busy living in the now. But here I was, a twenty-six-year-old, retired stripper, sitting next to a man I could have maybe loved if I wasn’t me and he wasn’t someone who knew better than anyone the lows I’d sunk to over the years.

  I had no shame, but I did have regrets. I’d owned them for a long time. Held my head high and took no shit from anyone, but ever since I got that damn invitation in the mail, it’s like the only thing I could hear in my head were my mother’s words dragging me back to another time and place.

  “I didn’t raise you to be this way.”

  “I don’t know where your father and I went so wrong.”

  “Such a waste of potential.”

  “Such a disappointment you turned out to be.”

  “At least you have a pretty face to get you through life.”

  That last one was her favorite. She’d say it every time I screwed up, which in her eyes was often. I wasn’t as smart or gifted or well-behaved as my sister. As charismatic or savvy as my brother. But I was pretty.

  Which was ironic given that I felt wholly inadequate every time I looked in the mirror.

  They’re just words, but when your mother is the one saying them, they carry extra weight. They cut deeper and hurt more. I could still hear her like it was yesterday and I had to ask myself, had I really proved her wrong?

  Four

  Celia

  7 years ago

  June

  My hands trembled and unease swirled in my stomach making me feel like I might be sick. I knew I was doing the right thing for myself, but that did nothing for the anxiety and nausea churning in my stomach and clogging my throat. There would be no going back after today. I knew that. It’s what I wanted.

  So why was standing up to my mother so hard?

  After everything, why did I still crave her support and approval?

  When she strode into the sitting room in my aunt’s house with her typical air of purpose and importance, I rose from the settee and all the words I’d rehearsed beforehand fled. I needed to keep my calm or this would turn into yet another one of our shouting matches.

  “Mother,” I swallowed.

  “Cecilia.” Her voice held no more affection than if she were speaking to one of the maids. One about to be sacked.

  She was still mad. I understood. I really did, but she wasn’t the only one who’d been unhappy this past y
ear. And my unhappiness went back a lot further than just this past year. I had an entire lifetime of it to lay at her feet.

  I straightened my shoulders and tried to keep my chin high. “I asked you to come today because there’s something I need to discuss with you.” How sad was it that I’d had to make an appointment to get time with my mother? That should tell you everything you need to know about Regina Rhoades.

  “It’s about time. I assume your bags are packed. I can have Emile load them into the car.”

  “No, that’s not–” My mother’s sharp eyes narrowed on me and I struggled to continue. “I’m– I’m not moving back home.”

  “Then why did I drive all the way out here? Your father and I were pretty clear that we did not want to hear from you until you stopped this foolishness and came to your senses. It’s time for you to grow up and accept responsibility for your actions.”

  “I know.” I worried the hem of my blouse in my fingers, the one I’d chosen for her–an elegant silk blouse with a light floral print that was more something my sister would wear–and forced myself to keep her gaze. “That’s what I’m trying to do, but,” I drew in a steadying breath, “I think I need a fresh start.”

  “I’m listening.” She folded her spindly arms across her chest. My mother was all sharp angles and delicate edges. My own curves disgusted her, but no matter what diet or exercise regimen she forced on me, I’d never been able to shed the extra padding around my ass, hips, and chest. I just didn’t have the same bone structure or build that she and Tabbi had. Tabbi was everything my parents could ask for in a daughter. Sweet, soft spoken, sensible, elegant, and regal. I was not.

  I was too loud and crass for a lady. Too opinionated and hot tempered and wild. Tabbi lived her life in soft, pastel colors, never calling too much attention to herself or ruffling anyone’s feathers. I, on the other hand, was vixen red and hot pink and neon orange and I ruffled everyone’s feathers. Boldly and unapologetically so. There was no place for that in our family. But maybe there was somewhere I would fit.