Finding Ever After Read online

  During my brief conversation with Derek, the crowd had shifted, and now a table full of guys was visible. I could see his profile, laughing at something one of the others must have said. They were facing the stage, so I could make my way toward them without him noticing right away.

  The guy sitting next to him was the first to notice my approach and as he shifted his attention toward me I was met with a dark pair of eyes that held a mischievous twinkle, and a close shaven head. I could see the markings of a tattoo peaking out around the collar of his long sleeved flannel. When I continued to move toward them, now just two feet away, a cocky grin spread across his face causing the other three to notice his attention. had shifted They all looked to see what, or who, had caught his gaze.

  “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you come over here and sit on my lap.” He offered just as the last pair of eyes met mine, and I didn‘t even acknowledge the other guy’s pass. Recognition was immediate and he was out of his chair and standing there right in front of me a second later.

  “Jazz.” His voice was a mixture of shock and apprehension. It wasn’t the warm, enthusiastic reunion I had hoped for, but I knew walking in here how unlikely that was. My name caused a few whispers of recognition at the table. I guess they knew who I was.

  “Hey Bas.” I released a breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding.

  “Hey Bas?” He echoed. “What the fuck Jazz?” I could see the anger building in those ochre eyes. I knew I deserved it, but it still hurt.

  “I know.” I whispered meekly.

  “The fuck you do, Jazz. The fuck you do.” His jaw tensed and he burned with a barely suppressed fury that I knew was going to be unleashed on me any second. I wasn’t the only to detect it.

  “So you’re the infamous Jazz?” Mr. cocky smirk asked trying to cut in before things escalated. I had to force my eyes away from Bas’ searing gaze.

  “No, I’m Jaxyn.” Nobody but Bas calls me Jazz.

  “But he called you Jazz.”

  “Yeah he does. You don’t.”

  “Whatever you say sweetheart. I’m Damien, but everyone calls me Spade. I don’t much care what you call me, but I look forward to hearing you scream it later.” My eyebrows shot up and my jaw dropped. I didn’t even know what to say to that. Thankfully Bas saved me from having to say anything, otherwise I would have stood there with my mouth wide open, speechless.

  “Watch it Spade.” Bas growled.

  “What man? Your girl’s got a body that was made for-”

  “Shut the hell up man and leave the poor girl alone.” The guy sitting in the seat opposite, cut him off. While he continued my eyes took in his features. “Sorry about that jackass, his mama didn’t teach him any manners.” His smile was nice, and genuine. I immediately liked him better than Spade. He had long black hair tied back at the nape of his neck and sported several piercings on his pretty face.

  “I’m Andrew, but everyone calls me Ace and this is my cousin Danny.” He said, indicating the third guy at the table, with just as much metal in his face and several wicked looking tattoos extending up his neck and covering his shaved head. He gave a terse nod but didn’t have the chance to speak.

  “I prefer wiseass, and my mother did teach me manners,” Spade contradicted, “I just didn’t listen.” He winked at me as if I would find him charming. I glanced back at Bas who was still standing beside me glowering at Spade.

  “It’s great to meet you Jaxyn, our boy has told us a lot about you. Of course we all thought he was just making you up. He talked about you so much we actually joked about you being a rare mythical creature, like a unicorn. It’s nice to know you really do exist. He would never show us any pictures, but now I see why.” Ace grinned but it wasn’t the same as Spade’s lecherous one.

  “Yeah, because she’s a fucking hot, rainbow unicorn. Tell me, do you taste like skittles?” Spade winked at me again, this guy clearly had no shame.

  “Okay, that’s enough.” Sebastian interjected. “You and me need to talk, outside. Now.” I gave a dejected wave as he dragged me toward the exit and the verbal smack down I knew was coming. Once we made it through the crowd and out the doors he prodded me past the smokers around the side of the building.

  “Three years Jazz. Three years of nothing, not a letter or a phone call or even a damn text message to let me know you were alright, and then you walk in here with your puppy dog eyes and your ‘Hey Bas.’ like I’m just supposed to accept that and go on like this hasn’t been the most awful three years of my life.”

  “Don’t you think you’re being just a little dramatic Bas?”

  “Are you serious right now?”

  “Yeah. I know you worried, and I’m sorry for that, but you’re life couldn’t have been that awful while I was gone. You’re doing so well in school, I saw you made the Dean’s list every semester and you’ve been tearing it up on the Lacrosse team, I’m so proud of you Bas. I heard you‘ve even got a serious girlfriend.”

  “Oh so you got to check up on me, but you didn’t think I deserved to even know where you were. Well you don’t know shit Jazz. I had to throw myself into school and Lacrosse to stop myself from spending every damn minute worrying about my best friend. You know how many times Chris or my Dad had to talk me down from just saying screw it all and taking off to look for you? I didn’t have a damn clue where to even start. They can tell you what a grade a jackass and moody bastard I was for the entire first year you were gone.

  “So much happened Jazz, and you were supposed to be here for it. You were supposed to be there on move in day at the dorms, and you should have been there when I failed my first exam and thought I was going to have to change my major because there was no way I was cut out for it, and you should have been in those fucking stands screaming your head off every time I scored on the field. But you weren’t. You weren’t here. You were God knows where.” He wasn’t holding anything back, and I could finally see the depth of betrayal he felt.

  “Oregon.” I muttered.

  “What?”

  “I was in Oregon. Well I was in a lot of places at first but I ended up in Portland and that’s where I was for most of the time.” I knew it didn’t count for much now. It was a little late, but I just needed him to stop so I could figure out where to start my apology and how to explain the choices I made; why I had to do it the way I did.

  My feeble proclamation seemed to have the desired effect. Residual indignation burned in his eyes, but he was attempting to reign in his temper. More than anything his expression was on of exasperation.

  “Please just tell me. Make me understand how you could do that to me, to all of us who care about you. You know I wasn’t the only you left behind, Vi was pretty torn up too. So how could you leave us waiting for you to show up at that party while you snuck out town like you were fleeing hell?”

  “I was.” He frowned.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I was fleeing hell, Bas. My life had been hell for a long time.”

  “I know sperm donor’s place was bad,” He had always refused to refer to Jack as my dad, and he was right, he wasn’t much of a father at all. “But you were practically living with us after …” Yeah we both knew all about the ‘after’.

  “You say you know, but Bas, really you don’t. It wasn’t just my dad or Connor. It was everything, I couldn’t hardly breathe. I think it had been that way since the day my mom died and it just got worse until I was suffocating. I never grieved her. After her funeral I was so scared, I didn’t know what was going to happen to me. I just buried everything down to deal with later. Only later never came. I was twelve years old and had to process going from a loving home with my mother to that group housing. For two months I was just a case number while they tried to figure out who my father was. Then going to live with him; the man I had despised my entire life, who had nothing but disdain for me. I was shattered Bas, and I stayed that way. You saw how I changed. I know you did. I wasn’t living, I was barely just existing.”<
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  “What you went through would change anyone. Why didn’t you talk to me before it got that bad, or hell even after it got that bad, I could’ve …”

  “Could’ve what Bas?”

  “I don’t know, done something. I would’ve done anything to make it better for you.”

  “I know Bas, and that’s exactly why I couldn’t. You were always saving me, trying to protect me and keep anything bad from coming at me, and I love you for that Bas, I do. You and your dad and Chris were all I had left after Mom, but by trying to keep all the bad away and shelter me, I never faced any of it. That didn’t mean it wasn’t still all there. You couldn’t keep stuff that bad away. I just hid behind you.

  “I know you didn’t mean for it to happen, but by treating me like a fragile china doll, that’s exactly what I became. I was timid and I gave in, I quit living and just went through the motions. You can’t imagine what it was like to look in the mirror senior year and realize I hadn’t even participated in my own life, to not be able to find any trace of the vibrant girl I used to be. I looked back on those four years, and really every year since I lost Mom, and realized it was just a blur, one big canvas tinged with loneliness, confusion and apathy. I wouldn’t have even gone out for the soccer team if you hadn’t forced me to be there at the beginning of every season.”

  Every year I told him I was done, that it would be my last season. He wouldn’t say a word, but then he would be outside my house every morning all summer long, making me run and conditioning me, so that I would be ready when he dragged my butt to the first day of practices just before school started back up.

  “I know you tried Bas, you did everything you could to keep me going, and you were my rock, but nobody could force me to want more out of life. Not even you could make me change if I didn’t want it myself, and I didn’t know how to want it anymore, or where to even start the healing, but I knew it wasn’t going to happen in Boston. My father wouldn’t let it. I was so scared of who I would become if I continued on like that, I couldn’t let myself turn into him, I just couldn’t. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you guys I was leaving or where I was going or even say goodbye, but I knew if I tried, I wouldn’t be strong enough to go, and I had to go.”

  “If I had known that’s how you felt I wouldn’t have tried to make you stay, but I could’ve gone with you so you weren’t completely alone out there.”

  “I know you would’ve, and I was so tempted to ask you to come with me, but I couldn’t let myself be that weak. I couldn’t do that to you, you were so excited about starting B U, you had your plan all mapped out and you were going after your dream. I couldn’t ask you to change that or put it on hold without hating myself more than I already did.”

  “Fuck.” He breathed out. “I guess I get why you had to go, but I don’t understand why you couldn’t have called once you got where you were going.”

  “I would’ve come home the second I heard your voice. I wasn’t in the best place, alone with my thoughts and nightmares most of the time. Just about every day that was almost enough to send me running back to what was familiar and comfortable. I don’t know how to make it make sense for you, but I had to learn how to be okay with just me. I needed time to figure out who that even was before I could ever hope to work through my issues.”

  “It makes sense, I still don’t like it, but I do understand. I wish things could’ve been different, maybe if I had been a better friend I could’ve seen what it was doing to you.”

  “Don’t you dare Bas. It was never about you so don‘t even think about taking the blame for this. Without you, I might not even be here. Without you I would have given up a long time ago. I know how much you love me and that there wasn’t anything you wouldn’t have done for me, but I needed to be able to love myself again.” He smiled, but there was still sadness in his eyes.

  “You’re good now though? You did your soul searching and you came back here with your newfound sense of self oh wise, Obi Wan?” I couldn’t help but smile back at him and roll my eyes, which earned me a real Sebastian smile.

  “Ha, not quite, I’m still a long way from good, but I‘m a lot closer to figuring out who I want to be, but more importantly I know where I want to be, and that’s here, home.”

  “So you had to leave to realize you wanted to be home? That’s some logic you‘ve got there.” It was nice to have him joking again instead of biting my head off.

  “Yes. Shut up, it makes sense to me.” I shoved him playfully.

  “Come here.” He pulled me into his chest, and whispered against my hair. “I probably should’ve said this first, but damn I missed you Jazz. I’m glad you’re back.” I stayed tucked in at his side as we headed back inside. “You better never do that again.”

  “Don’t worry, I won’t be leaving anytime soon. Besides I’m gonna have to be here for you when, whoever the poor girl is you think you’re gonna convince to marry you, comes to her senses and you’re left a blubbering mess.”

  “Very funny, how the hell do you know I’m proposing to Lissa?”

  “I saw your dad when I stopped by the house, but hold up did you say Lissa? Lissa fricken Dawson?”

  “Yeah, Lissa Dawson. I‘m offended that you’re so shocked.”

  “I’m just shocked you finally got the balls to ask her out. You had it bad for her all through high school, you used to stare at her like she was she was a burrito from El Pelon, and you hadn’t eaten in a week.”

  “Did you just compare my girlfriend to a burrito?”

  “You know their burritos are freaking delicious. In fact I want one right now.”

  “I really missed your stupid, ridiculous ass.”

  “My butt is fine, not ridiculous.”

  “I don’t know, it kind of looks like you let yourself go while you were gone. I’m not sure you need any burritos.”

  “That’s bull, I was running every day and even took yoga classes.”

  “You did yoga?” He chuckled. “You have the grace of an elephant.”

  “Yeah I did. That stuff’s real big there, but I didn’t say I was good at it. I tried quite a few things that would probably surprise you while I was off soul searching as you put it.”

  “Like what, don’t tell me you were a stripper?” He knew me well enough to know that there wasn’t any universe in which that would ever happen.

  “Very funny, but no. I took a pottery class”

  “How did that go? And before you try to lie to me remember I saw the clay pot and the turtle you made in junior high.”

  “Yeah, I was about as successful at the pottery as I was at the yoga and learning to play guitar.” He laughed, full on, from the belly laughter.

  “I feel sorry for the poor fool who tried to teach you to play an instrument. I could’ve saved you that money and told ya that you don’t have the patience for it.”

  “I’ll have you know I did awesome in the painting class and the kickboxing class though.”

  “Okay the painting I can see. You can’t sculpt for shit but you’ve always been able to draw well, but kickboxing? No way! You’re about as ferocious as a kitten.” He was barely able to contain his amusement but it was wiped away when I got serious again.

  “I wanted to learn some kind of self defense. I didn’t ever want to feel so helpless again.“ I could see in his eyes that his pain at being reminded of that night was almost as strong as my own. I immediately regretted bringing it up, and tried to lighten the mood again. “Let’s see if you’re still cracking jokes when I knock you out, Chuckles. I’m actually pretty good” My ridiculous threat broke through his somber demeanor and he cracked a grin once again.

  “The only person you could knock out is yourself Shorty.”

  “I’m not short, you’re just freakishly tall, Gigantor. That’s not going to stop me from kicking you in your face.” This only caused him to snicker harder, and I couldn’t help but giggle myself. I admit that all my 125 pounds was less than a match for his six feet and four inche
s of lean muscle.

  We were both still teasing and trading insults as we neared the table where we left the guys. In our absence they’d been joined by a couple of girls. A tiny blonde thing was sitting on Spade’s lap with her lips attached to his neck, he didn’t seem to mind. The other was a curvy redhead who was pressed up against Ace. His attention wasn’t on her, but the intense debate going on between him and Danny over the outcome of a battle between Iron Man and Batman. Stupid argument really, Batman, hands down. Another reason I knew I would get along with Ace just fine.

  Red who was looking extremely displeased at being ignored, snapped her head up in an instant as a newcomer approached just in front of us. Her entire face beamed as he pulled up a stool next to Spade and his tongue wrestling partner, just as Bas and I were coming up behind him.

  Even from the back I could tell he must be attractive; broad shoulders, narrow waist; lean but not skinny. He stood over the table and his presence demanded everyone’s attention, like he was a magnet drawing people in.. He was at least six foot, probably a couple inches over, with snug fitting jeans hanging low on his hips, accentuating a very nice bottom. Yeah I peaked at it before he slid onto the stool. I couldn’t help myself. If that wasn’t enough to convince me he was hot, the “do me” eyes Red was giving him would’ve done it. Even Blondie peeled her lips from Spade long enough to give the new guy an appreciative glance.

  Bas and I moved up right beside him, and just as my gaze was met by the most gorgeous emerald eyes I’d ever seen, I felt a shove from behind and fell right into the lap of their owner. Sprawled out over him, I could feel the hard muscles he had in all the places a guy should; strong thighs and well defined abs. The fitted tee he wore showed off strong pecs and thick biceps as well. His left arm was completely inked all the way down making a full sleeve, and his right hand rested on my hip where he caught me.